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Grandson share time.

(24 Posts)
greeneyes57 Sat 26-Jan-19 08:59:30

My D.D ,s 6 year old son stays one week with his dad one week with my D.D. I feel this is bit long to be away from his mum as he said he misses her and I know my D.D misses him terribly. She face times him often when he is with his dad. I want to suggest that he should come back to her a couple of nights of the week he is away but don't want to interfere as I'm not sure if it is my business. GS father is a great dad and his wife is a lovely lady. It upsets me that they miss each other so much. But D.D feels this is the best arrangement for G.S. Is anybody else going through this with their G.C .

MissAdventure Sat 26-Jan-19 09:03:05

I think its probably better left as it is than passing the little boy around.
Of course they miss each other, but that's as it should be.
A little child will miss his mum, (and probably his dad when he isn't there) and your daughter is an adult, so will learn to cope with missing him.

sodapop Sat 26-Jan-19 09:09:20

I'm sorry your family has had these problems Greeneyes it's difficult for everyone to deal with especially the children. In this case though things are working fairly well and both parents have reached an agreement. I don't think you should interfere at all, its up to the parents to decide how they arrange time with their child.

Iam64 Sat 26-Jan-19 09:12:32

I had a quick look at the latest research on shared residence. It's often based on research from Sweden where around half of separated parents share the care of their children on a 50% basis. The research is very positive and says that children living with parents in this way have less emotional difficulties. The key thing is obviously, the lack of conflict between parents so the children are not exposed to rows, disagreements and resentments.
It's hard for us as grandparents isn't it, we all hoped our grandchildren would live an easier life, with parents who loved each other and stayed together. Life isn't like that and I hope things work well for your grandson and his parents who sound focussed on what's right for him.

Septimia Sat 26-Jan-19 09:28:08

My gd has been living 50% with each parent since she was 3. At first it was 2 nights with dad and 5 nights with mum one week and vice versa the next. My son had always done a lot of the child care and has been pretty good at it. Gd has a proper home with each parent - she doesn't just 'stay' with them. Now she's coming up to 8 and they've changed to alternate full weeks so that there's less messing about and everyone knows where they are. Gd was OK with trying the change and seems to be coping fine with it. She's doing well at school and seems to be well-balanced. She phones the parent she's not with in the middle of the week and can message them. They found that too much facetiming just unsettled her.

Anja Sat 26-Jan-19 09:54:27

Don’t interfere. Hard though it is.

trisher Sat 26-Jan-19 10:30:16

It's nothing to do with you. They have successfully managed a split and are parenting the boy as best they can. He will miss the other parent when he is away from them, but he will adjust. You have to provide support when you can. I think one of the hardest things to let go of is the idea that our children will marry and have a happy traditional family life. I think children adapt more easily and accept change better. If you want to do something try to suppress your doubts and just reassure him that his mum and dad both still love him. Well done to your DD for putting the child's needs above her own feelings and allowing the dad to have him for a week. You obviously did a great job raising her.

BlueBelle Sat 26-Jan-19 11:05:07

Yes have to agree it has to be down to the parents but oh how I can see your and your daughters point of view a week isduch a long time isn’t it but the main thing is the little one has two competent parents and also thankfully it seems a loving step mum Count your blessings

I didn’t realise how lucky I was when my ex completely bxxxxxxx out of our lives I thought it was awful he didn’t bother to turn up for the court to arrange contact and even more upset he never gave us a penny but looking back my children had one home and one caring parent (he was a terrible father never gave a moment of his time to them ) so it could have been so much worse I Knowif mums whose husband has moved abroad and they have to send the children for the summer and sometimes Christmas holidays
That would have broken my heart

ReadyMeals Sun 27-Jan-19 10:48:25

The one thing I have against the 50/50 is - can the child identify his home? I'd hate it if I couldn't name a particular single place that was "coming home". If I had to give two addresses at the same time when someone asked "where do you live?" If half my life I had to live knowing that particular lego piece I need right now was in my other home, and the other half of my life it was that OTHER particular lego piece I couldn't use. Silly little things but I think they add up. So personally I wouldn't just do alternate weeks, I'd be more inclined to have a child stay in one place all term time, and the other place all their holidays, so that what was kept in each home could be tailored to the sort of life the child would be living while in that home.

For example, William and Harry probably had their school uniforms and clubbing gear at Diana's place, and their gumboots and rifles at Charles's

Caro57 Sun 27-Jan-19 11:13:29

Your GS may also miss his father when he is with mum - there is no easy answer to two people thinking they will be together forever and it not working out (I am divorced) and children being involved. I wish my ex had had more input with our children but he chose not to and they (ex and children - in their 30s) have a very strained relationship. 50:50 could be the best option in the long run

grandtanteJE65 Sun 27-Jan-19 12:27:05

A week with each parent is the norm here in Denmark when parents divorce.
It can be hard on the children, but seems usually to be what they prefer, as the otherwise feel they are being made to chose one parent (the one they spend most time with) over the other.

I'm sure your daughter and her husband thought long and hard before divorcing and agreeing to their child spending an equal amount of time with each parent, so please, don't rock the boat. I'm afraid that the child's parents will feel this is not your business if you say or do something, and unless the child is showing signs of actual distress and not the very natural feeling of missing his mum, I think you are best saying nothing.

I don't think it is quite fair of your daughter to keep phoning the child when he is at his dad's. He isn't really getting a chance to settle down there, is he?

Willow10 Sun 27-Jan-19 12:55:35

Maybe your daughter is passing on her anxiety to her son, by constantly messaging him? He may be feeling guilty that she is lonely without him and of course he will say he is missing her. I hope she gives the arrangement a chance, it's wonderful that they can parent 50/50 and he has lots of people to love

quizqueen Sun 27-Jan-19 13:26:43

As a grandparent , I think you should keep out of it but I do think the child is old enough now to be consulted on where he wants to live and for how long a period as he has had the experience of both for a while and can compare each living arrangement.

GreenGran78 Sun 27-Jan-19 13:31:00

He is only young. As he matures he will cope better with the arrangement. If mum keeps telling him too much that she misses him, he is bound to feel guilty. She must try to be more positive with him about the separation, and he will begin to view it as his normal way of life.

Sleepygran Sun 27-Jan-19 13:54:30

If your gs know him mum is missing him he'll feel bad for her and say he misses her.If his mum could say have a lovely time at your dads but remember you'll be back with me next week it gives him some security knowing whatever happens he's back with mum soon.
When my daughter went on school trips I used to say have a lovely time but you'll be back with me in two days or whatever,she says now she's grown up it sort of gave her permission to have a good time and not feel worried about me missing her!

HurdyGurdy Sun 27-Jan-19 14:12:24

I agree with Willow10 that your daughter is exacerbating the problem by messaging him so much. She'd be better arranging one night in the week when they definitely message (with the agreement that if the son really needs to speak to his mum at any other time, he can - but not the other way round) and then just leaving the father to parent during his week.

Sorry Greeneyes57, this sounds really harsh, but it's not for you to suggest any change to the arrangement that the parents have come to. And you've already said that your daughter feels this is the best arrangement for her child.

It's natural that the child will miss whatever parent he's not with that week. But as long as he's made to feel loved and secure (which it sounds he is) then he will be just fine. But for your daughter to "face time him often" is undermining the arrangement, and probably making the child feel anxious. She's doing that for her benefit, not for the child's.

sharon103 Sun 27-Jan-19 14:15:50

Agree with ReadyMeals.

LuckyFour Sun 27-Jan-19 16:41:45

Don't get involved and definitely don't give advice. Not your business. Just give kindness and support to all.

Flowerofthewest Sun 27-Jan-19 17:39:53

When my two eldest GC were 12 months and 24 months their mummy left my DS for his best friend. The DGC eventually lived in a week about situation. They have grown to be the most loving...caring and we'll balanced young adults. The have siblings from each parent and still stay either at their home with their dad or their home with their mum. I'm so proud of the way my DS has handled the situation. It was best for the children in this case.
Don't worry...They will adapt

jeanie99 Sun 27-Jan-19 17:42:04

Your grandson will miss his mum that goes without saying but he is now in a routine and will get used to it.
It is best not to get involved in your daughters problems you will be seen as an interfering women.

paddyann Sun 27-Jan-19 17:57:33

My son and his partner split when baby was 18 months ,she's now almost 10.She was fine with half the week with dad and half with mum although mum and dad both stayed with their parents .She was even fine when dad moved in with his new partner after 7 years because she saw our home as her home.
She still stays with us 2 or 3 nights some weeks and with dad and his new partner other weeks .She loves the new partner so no problems there.
She did have a problem when her mum moved out of other grans into a flat of their own .It meant she has FOUR bedrooms and constantly carries little things about in her school bag like a security measure.She's a fantastic,bright,funny, helpful ,well mannered girl who loves us all but it took her a few months to get over moving out with mum and her BF .I just wish people would put their children first before breaking up families for purely selfish reasons .They aren't little for that long

NanKate Sun 27-Jan-19 18:51:04

Hello Greeneyes I’m about to tread your path starting tomorrow. My DinL has left my son for another man, it has been devastating but we as grandparents are doing all we can to support our two grandsons. The 50/50 Parenting Pln involves every other weekend and half a week each with each parent. We have our reservations but are keeping schtum to see how it goes.

We have just spent the weekend with out 8 and 6 year old GSs as they weredevastated seeing their Mum move out this past week. However with lots of love an attention from our DS, Us and their other GF we have got them smiling again.

Their will be bumpy times ahead for your family and mine but with love an understanding we will get through, like thousands of other families.

Iam64 Sun 27-Jan-19 18:57:37

Family life is changing/ our role is to be supportive rather than judgemental. As grandet says, a fifty fifty share of time is the norm in Denmark. I know many posters dislike research or experts but the research from those sensible scandi countries suggests shared care is best for children

NoddingGanGan Sun 27-Jan-19 19:24:30

paddyann. "She was even fine when dad moved in with his new partner after 7 years because she saw our home as her home."
"She did have a problem when her mum moved out of other grans into a flat of their own."
"I just wish people would put their children first before breaking up families for purely selfish reasons."
Double standards, much? hmm