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Morbid Thoughts

(157 Posts)
Sebstar Tue 05-Mar-19 12:08:03

I am 71 and my husband is 72. I constantly think about death. I can't enjoy the present because of worrying about what could lie ahead. I can't talk to my husband about this because he is a live for today sort of person. Does anyone else feel this way and if so how do you deal with it.

KatyK Wed 13-Mar-19 15:42:02

Followed her not here.

KatyK Wed 13-Mar-19 15:41:32

Well madmum My mother died at 58. I have followed here in everything really and I assumed I would die at 58 too. Well I'm 69 now and still here. My DH's parents died at 52 and 57. He has diabetes and will be 73 on Saturday. smile

madmum38 Wed 13-Mar-19 14:41:38

Both my mum and her mum died at 62 and the nearer that gets the more I worried also told diabetes shortens life. Worry every day I’m not going to be around long enough to see my daughters settle so can really sympathise with the OP

rosecarmel Mon 11-Mar-19 13:06:51

sebstar Thank you for initiating this thread- Morbid as it may seem to discuss, it's incredibly uplifting to read!

How positively even more morbid thoughts of death would have the potential to become if not discussed!

And thank you to all who responded, too! In fact, it's one of the healthiest threads I've read in a very, very long time-

I'm an odd duck- smile Socially awkward- But .. I'm thinking with Spring just around the corner, and everything preparing to renew itself death seems the perfect subject address- So viable is compassion as a seed that it can be planted any time of the year- And this is one seriously compassionate thread that will benefit all who read it -- especially those in the grips of bereavement-

My husband died on the first day of Spring-

One word comes to mind: Providence-


absent Mon 11-Mar-19 04:41:31

Not making the most – dammit, thinking and keying too fast!

absent Mon 11-Mar-19 04:39:30

We are pretty much all in the place where we have fewer years ahead than we have behind us and it is hardly surprising that thoughts about death pop into our minds from time to time. Of course, none of us wants to die a painfully prolonged death, although I suspect some of us will. I profoundly hope I won't and nor will any of those I love. However, what will be will be and there is no point getting into a state about it.

To let the prospect of death impinge heavily on our lives is, I think, foolish. Making the most of the years we have left – especially if we have grandchildren or even great grandchildren – is short-changing both ourselves and them. Let us rejoice that we are 60, 70, 80, 90 and we have people who love and value us. Let us remember that, sad though they may be when they have to say farewell, we shall remain figures in these young people's lives that inform and guide them and that they will inform and guide another generation whom, perhaps we shall never know, shaped by how we were. So let us be the best we have ever been in our lives in our last years so that is what they remember most clearly.

rosecarmel Mon 11-Mar-19 04:11:09

kwest Yes! Clinging results in suffering- The length of time one suffers from the results of clinging depends upon how long one holds on- For example when morbid thoughts arise and one indulges in such thoughts instead of taking notice of them when they arise and when they subside it "seems" like the thoughts are there all the time- But they are not- Which is why when one doesn't notice when they subside they feel stuck -- which happens to me often enough!

marmight fennel Thank you so much for your words of encouragement- They are greatly appreciated- Truly- smile

kwest Sun 10-Mar-19 21:19:12

My husband and I were listening to something on TV last week and one phrase jumped out at both of us.
"Clinging brings suffering".
We both agreed that the thing you cling to will eventually slip from your grasp and inevitably suffering follows, but equally if we cling onto the fear of that loss, we suffer everyday waiting for it to happen instead of living in the moment and enjoying what time we have left.

Fennel Sun 10-Mar-19 20:46:28

Condolences from me too, Rose. shock.
Can't add anything to Marmight's post. I admire your strength. x

Marmight Sun 10-Mar-19 18:02:07

Heavens rose. Condolences on all your bereavements. What an amazing person you are to cope with all that has been thrown at you with such fortitude, and then bob up on the other side. Keep floating flowers

rosecarmel Sun 10-Mar-19 16:23:11

Last year my sister died- A month after that my husband- And a month after that my brother- That in conjunction with a flood of other life changing events that my immediate family has experienced over the course of a little over a year- On good days, with my eyes blackened by stress and lack of sleep, I look like a raccoon in a state of shock- On other days, even worse- And while I've a sense a warmth within for those that prefer I be happy, by their standards, I'm grateful to be alive, to experience these very human occurrences, morbid as they may seem- Some days I feel separate, much like watching the movement of a wave, as if it weren't a part of an infinite body of water- Other days, tho .. I see I'm in the ocean, too- Along with everyone else- For which I'm immensely grateful!

gillybob Sun 10-Mar-19 15:48:59

My mum also brushed things under the table and was never explained to me

My mum and dad were both good at doing that MooM00 and avoided any subject that might make them feel uncomfortable (death, illness, sex etc) when I was young I had quite a vivid imagination and as a lifelong worrier I tended to fill in the blanks in the worst possible way . Having the horrible cousin filling my young mind with all sorts of horror stories only made things so much worse . I think these days most parents do talk to children about sensitive subjects ( death included) instead of brushing them under the carpet as they did “back then” .

Nannyliz Sun 10-Mar-19 14:13:29

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3: v16.

Binks123 Sun 10-Mar-19 09:41:19

I have been a Nurse for 43 years and l think my work has affected me, as l do have a preoccupation with my death, not all the time you understand. But in some ways as we grow older, not knowing when the merry go round is going to stop, is the big question. On a lighter note, l always remember being in a joke shop in Scarborough and seeing this game 'Know Exactly How and When You Are Going to Die`.......Did l buy it? Of course not.

Fennel Fri 08-Mar-19 17:22:13

Neither do I like the thought of leaving everything, especially my family. but b'h I've had a good life up to now, always interesting.
I wonder if we'll be able to keep up to date after we've gone?

moggie57 Fri 08-Mar-19 16:55:13

I think most of us do.I don't like the thought of leaving my daughter and gchildren. I know how I felt when my mum died. Just enjoy the time you have.make every day count

amblucgeolyd4 Fri 08-Mar-19 09:18:13

Years ago I had breast cancer and was faced with my own mortality. I remember saying to myself then that WHEN I get through this I shall not waste time worrying about trivial little things like I used too and live each day with a positive outlook and appreciate the little things. My DH and family were very supportive in this and we only focused on the positive outcome
Before I was ill I used to be more of a worrier. Death is inevitable it happens to everyone I understand that and I am a firm believer that the soul goes on and I suppose this helps me with the Death issue.

Gmamilly Fri 08-Mar-19 08:40:54

Hi everyone

I think to some extent it’s perfectly normal to contemplate our own mortality & the questions that come from this. I am a young nanna but I also think about this too, mainly from a ‘what would they do without me’ perspective. However, I try not to dwell too much. Having worked as a palliative care nurse for years I do know that we don’t get to choose at what age we die or how we die and I have nursed many people so much younger or the same age as myself. I am 45. This has taught me simply that life is precious and must be lived while you are alive. Life is for the living. Xx

annep1 Fri 08-Mar-19 07:51:27

I am glad to read this thread. It's one I would have liked to start but wasn't brave enough. I do think we should be able to talk about death, because it is a part of life. And its awful when we are stopped from doing so by family members who don't want to hear. Some books have been mentioned which I will investigate, thank you. However it's not good to dwell on it and I think Scrappydo made a good point. In the middle of enjoying a favourite programme and suddenly an advert about leaving money to help with your funeral, what kind of funeral to choose etc. I wish they could be banned.
And all the leaflets brochures you get for walk-in baths, stair lifts, aids for depressing, reminding us of how our bodies are deteriorating are not helpful. But no one seems to care about how they make older people feel, just about selling their product.
I think as Willa45 says we have to focus on being thankful for each day we wake up and making it a happy one.
Easier to say than do of course and I include myself there, but something to work towards.
I'm sorry you cant talk to your husband Sebstar . Could you try saying some little thing to judge his reaction? ( I haven't read every single comment so maybe you've tried this). I hope you find someone who can help.

Alypoole Fri 08-Mar-19 06:23:35

I think about it a great deal too. I can’t imagine being without my husband and loathe the thought of missing everyone when I’m no longer here. These thoughts occur more and more especially when I wake. I’m writing this whilst on holiday when I SHOULD be enjoying the moment.

Capie57 Fri 08-Mar-19 06:04:50

Agreed. You may also want to look at visiting a CODA group?

SalsaQueen Thu 07-Mar-19 22:52:04

Are you depressed? I, too, had had morbid thoughts, but they were always about bad things happening to my sons. I'm now on antidepressants, and I don't get these thoughts now.

I'm almost 60, and although I'm overweight, my BP and cholesterol are low, I don't smoke or drink, and I go to various exercise classes 3 or 4 times a week. I think that if something happens to me, so be it. I don't worry about anything beyond the next month.

Granless Thu 07-Mar-19 19:16:12

Now then, you have really opened up a can of worms, for me anyway. I too have your issues. Just to say that I ended up with depression and panic attacks stemming from this very subject which a funeral started off - I don’t go to funerals now, just in case! Please, please try not to dwell on death - believe me I know that is not easy - try and brush the thoughts off with another positive happy one.
This got me and my hubbie talking about our demises and what we would wish and I was very surprised what we have agreed on. Both not being religious, we have agreed that both of us want just a cremation - no funeral, no service and hope this doesn’t offend what little family we have and friends. I hope you can get your hubbie talking and that he tries to understand your issues. flowers

granh1 Thu 07-Mar-19 18:55:43

Sebstar - could I recommend you read With The End in Mind by Kathryn Maddox. Kathryn is a palliative medicine doctor and has written a sensitive and helpful book exploring the taboo of death, which is in our society.

Alexa Thu 07-Mar-19 11:52:48

Sebstar, seems to me that you may benefit greatly from CBT. Cognitive behavioural therapy.