Anxious granny to be about visiting GC

I would say don’t set up any kind of expected pattern of visits. It may work when the baby is small but family life changes all the time.

You will make friends with other families, get invited round. In a couple of years your child will get invited to parties or to do things with friends. You will either have to say no because it’s Grandmas time or you will have to tell Grandma the regular visit isn’t going to happen and that will cause even more upset.

Frequent but casual would be my advice.

Incidentally I had a Grandma who “never saw enough of me”. She was the one I visited least when I got older.

What a lovely daughter you are! You sound so sensible and loving and your gut instincts are absolutely spot on.
Your mum, whatever her problems, did a brilliant job in raising you.
I can understand both sides of this. I can empathise with how she feels and I believe that your mum's anxiety will ease once the baby is born and everything settles down but before that you have that difficult time to negotiate when the baby is new.
My son has two boys and they live quite a long way from me. I have tried and tried to be more involved in their lives but my daughter-in-law has a hands-off mum and finds it difficult to accept. The result it that if her own mum isn't involved, she doesn't want me to be.
I have learned to live with this and see them when I can.
It was a very different kettle of fish for me when my daughter announced she was pregnant. She too lives a good distance away and I went through a very anxious time feeling that this was my last chance to be a hands-on granny, not helped by the fact that son-in-law's mother lives nearby and was going to look after the baby two days a week when my daughter returned to work.
I was envious and quite sad that I couldn't see them more. Quite frankly, I still am but have accepted the situation for what it is. I feel that the most important thing is that my daughter has a happy marriage and loves her little boy to bits.
As it worked out, mother-in-law found that she was being over-ambitious having the baby two days a week and soon cut it down to one (causing all sorts of problems in the meantime!).
I suppose what I'm saying is, try to keep your mum as calm as possible - personally I think that a schedule for visits is a perfect way to allay her anxieties. If she knits, crochets or sews, give her projects that will keep her busy and make her feel valued (but make sure she sees you using them afterwards!) Eventually when the first few months of chaos are calming down, I think she will settle down too.
I accepted that my daughter didn't want me to go to stay with them when the baby was new - she wanted it to be just her and her husband - but I went to stay for a few days when her husband went back to work. I mostly stood guard over the little one while my daughter got some much-needed sleep.
Try to relax, even if your mum can't - I think all will be well

Having been a gran in the same position as your mum(2 hours away and also suffering from anxiety and depression) my dd would phone and ask me to come when she was concerned which was often in the first few months,and also to babymind while she got some much needed sleep.
Those phone calls helped as I felt wanted,needed and useful.That was the key for me.Things settled and we did too!
I hope you can enjoy your new baby without worries about your mum.

You are being quite generous with arrangements you have suggested. However her wanting to move house nearer to you sounds a bit extreme. Stick to the plans you have arranged. Start as you mean to go on, otherwise you could start to resent her. She is obviously well meaning in her intentions but you could start to feel stifled by her if she moves to close. Distance lends its charm!

I would suggest keeping to the plans you have in mind I don't agree with you DM moving closer,for one thing you and your partner may in the future move further away again.2 hrs travelling is not so bad and when she stays over you and OH can have a night on your own with DM baby-sitting.You sound a lovely thoughtful daughter x good luck

I'm with phoenix and others who think similarly.
A smothering mother...NO.
Maybe your mum has always got her own way with tears.
Time to be firm. Good luck and keep to your decision. You'll hsve no life at all if you give in.

You could get her some Rescue Remedy to help, its a mix of flower essences so safe to take even with other medication.

If your mum is suffering serious anxiety it could be down to menopause and age. I remember suddenly having panic attacks at a certain age which were completely out of my control. Perhaps you could persuade her to see her GP and it could be that counselling would be good for her.
Your mum is desperately looking for something to give meaning to her life and is in danger of becoming obsessive which would be bad for all of you. Try to persuade her to take up hobbies, join a hobby group, or volunteer in a charity shop so that she has other things to think about.
Then she can really look forward to the baby coming rather than this constant worrying, which is not about your health or the baby's health but about herself. Has she a good friend who lives near her who could talk to her.

I would just reassure your mum that she will always be part of your life but don't make any promises. Your first duty now is to your partner and baby and she needs to understand that.

Lots of good advice, remember you are not responsible for your mother’s emotions. Also it’s your and your dp baby not your mothers. She needs to let you call the shots not her. Good luck, I think you will need it!

Keep visits fluid and natural. Don't implement a routine as it sets up expectation and can quickly feel like a burden/arrangement you can't alter or stray from.

I’ll work on reassuring her

Stop. You cannot be her support system right now. You need to be relaxed and looked after yourself for your baby.

Besides which, if she is not seeking professional help for her anxiety, nothing you will say will help anyway.

I would also suggest, as someone who has suffered anxiety, that there may be something more than that going on. Anxiety doesnt necessarily .ake you irrationally demanding and needey. You may feel irrational and needy inside your head, but with "just anxiety" you havd the insight to know that that is your own issues and you filter how much of those thoughts you allow to come out in actions and words that affect others.

Supporting someone with mental health problems does not mean trying to fix them yourself as an amateur, and sometimes it means the opposite: i.e. not bending yourself around their issues as that is enabling and normalising and may delay them getting proper help.

Tell her you love her but she is crossing a line. Tell her you sympathise that she is feeling anxious right now but you are not qualified to help. Tell her you are not the appropriate person to be offloading to about her issues around your pregnancy.

It is not normal behaviour.

It IS normal to worry about where you will fit in a new GCs life, of course it is, but it is NOT normal to offload all that on the mum to be and burden her with the job of alieviating those thoughts.

She has taken normally externalised thoughts, externalised them, and made them your problem. Thats not how anxiety work, anxiety actually works in the other direction with you INTERNALISING too much!

EDIT:

She has taken normally internalised thoughts, externalised them, and made them your problem. Thats not how anxiety work, anxiety actually works in the other direction with you INTERNALISING too much!

Brilliant advice from everyone- if your mother is recently retired there may well be a big hole in her life. It can be a very difficult time. You and your family are not there to fill it- she needs to look around for new activities- volunteering in schools or charity shops - the church - joining the U3A - I found that invaluable- there is very probably a group local to her - she’ll meet new people and take part in all sorts of activities. Be firm - if course you love her but you are embarking on your own family life - you need time and space to start it off . Good luck. ?

I know it’s hardly a substitute for a GC but as your mother is now retired would it be worth her getting a dog or cat to look after/care for to help fill in her time between visits. That would though create problems when visiting you but it was just a thought.

This lady is responsible for herself. You were not put on this earth to provide her with a baby to love in her later years.

Concentrate on your health, your relationship, your family.

Try not to let your mum move near you.My mum did, without asking, and it was just awful, she was constantly on my doorstep, morning noon and night, saying how bored she was, even though she still worked part time.In the end it was causing problems between dh and me and I had to have a word, it was the hardest thing I've ever done, and we didn't speak for weeks, until I saw the for sale sign outside I breathed a sigh of relief, and we began talking again.I adore my mother, but moving so close was a mistake, and actually now I have moved anothe few miles away, which is even better, but you would think I'd moved to Australia the way she carries on sometimes, but at least this way, we have to make arrangements to see each other, I hated the popping in and out.You'll find a way with your mum, she's probably over thinking everything at the moment.But keep firm and you'll get there. Good luck.

Phoenix said it all. Be very, very careful not to agree to something that will mean you or your DH are unhappy.

I think you need to be firm and say you can't make all the arrangements before the baby comes. Whatever you do make sure she doesn't move near to you if you don't feel that you can cope with that, you may have to tell her quite strongly. Most grans to be are naturally anxious before the baby arrives but your mum does sound OTT.

OP. You sound kind and considerate but you haven't said how old your DM is or whether she's still working or if she has a partner and a social life or if she drives .. all we know (I think) is that she's highly strung, lives 2 hours away. For heaven's sake discourage her from moving near to you - do point out you might eventually move too for jobs or whatever so it could be useless. Is she computer literate and has skype/facebook/facetime? I would organise that regularly rather than regular visits.
And see how the baby goes and whether she can visit.

Please take the good advice above about not promising anything definite. Much as you love & have concern for your mother, you need to have care for your own health & family. It is demanding physically & mentally with a new baby and dealing with somebody else’s huge anxiety is too much. I speak with feeling because a friend/neighbour in a similar situation was very supportive & accommodating to GM and is now having to cope with a grandparent who has become quite obsessional about contact, placing a dreadful strain on the new family. It’s terribly distressing for everyone.

It sounds like your mother doesn't have any sort of life outside of the family which I think is unhealthy.
Getting her to spread her wings and do things other than family stuff could be difficult but I would certainly give it some thought as to what she may like to do and encourage her to try.
She may lack confidence I don't know but she is a worrier from the sounds of it.
The moving house is a bit OTT and you should discourage her from doing this, perhaps say mum we may move for jobs then where would this leave you.
Do you have siblings who could help out with this?
You shouldn't be worrying about this but looking forward to your new life with the little one.
I think some straight talking needs to be done.

Maybe I’m a ‘ hard hearted Hannah’, but to me your mother sounds like a jealous toddler looking for attention!
I’d just be saying you’ll see how things work out once baby is here.

Some great, sensible advice here. I'm a fairly new GM, and I do confess that I too felt a little anxious about how often I would see my GC, especially as we live a very long way from my DS and DiL. It didn't help constantly seeing photos of my friends with their GC, who all live very close to each other, and are very much 'hands-on' GPs. I did feel that I would be missing out. However, as the months have passed, they do visit us to stay for a few days whenever they can, and we visit them for the odd long weekend. Facetime & Skype is brilliant, and we chat a couple of times each week. Things are working out just fine now. In fact, when they leave, my husband and I breathe a little sigh of relief to have our own peace and quiet again!Lol
From my own personal experience, when I first became a mother, we did get into a regular routine of seeing GPs at weekends etc., only to find that it really restricted our own lives, when occasionally we wanted to do something different, on our own, and we began to feel trapped in a situation that we didn't know how to get out of without upsetting our parents! So, from that perspective, I would suggest not to make any definite plans about exactly when you see your mum, or have her come to stay with you at weekends ... it will be very difficult to get of, without upsetting her. Far best to have a casual arrangement, and arrange visits when it best suits you both.
Becoming a parent is such a special time, but it is also very special for GPs too. I think they way she is feeling is quite common, but it needs to be nipped in the bud before it escalates. I'd have a gentle little talk with your mum, and let her know that there is no need for her to worry about how often she gets to see the baby. Let her know that she will be an important part of her GCs life, and that her worrying about it is upsetting you when there's absolutely no need. And let her know that if/when you need advise/help, before/after baby is born, you'll be giving her a call.

Congratulations on your coming baby!

Imo, lots of great advice here! Just want to add that while you can't stop your mim from moving, you can set boundaries if she does. You do NOT have to "see her every day" just because she moves closer. You may want to let her know now that you won't see her any more often if she lives closer. That may upset her, but it may nip the moving idea in the bud.

Whatever, please try not to stress out over this. Just let mum know that no expectations can be set now and no plans made for visiting. And then "bean dip" (change the subject).