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Heartbroken about grandaughter

(13 Posts)
Charlie2468 Thu 25-Apr-19 12:54:44

Hi everyone.

I hope you can all help me. So my grandaughter is 16 and I adore her.
Ever since she was little I have looked after her and loved every minute.
Endless sleepovers and shopping trips since she was 4.
She is quite a deep thinker and if I'm honest can be quite sultry at times.
But no matter what I have always managed to cheer her up and spoilt her rotten but have loved every minute!
I was on my own for many years and we enjoyed a weekend together once a month. This involved a takeaway, chats, laughs and shopping trips.

I lost my mum just under 2 years ago. It rocked the whole family m. Mum was the pinnacle of our family and a second mum to both my girls and great grandparent to my grandchildren.
A wonderful lady!
After she died, my grandchildren kept me going. Sacha my grandaughter would come and stay etc.
Within 6 months of mum passing I met someone and we have since got a house together.
He is a very kind man and knows how much my family mean to me. He has been very generous and accommodating. My grandaughter has had endless shopping trips with us. Meals etc.
Recently she has been behaving very badly at home. Shouting at her parents, getting detention at school for not completing homework and bad attitude.
Six weeks ago my daughter was at her wits end and asked if my grandaughter could stay for the weekend and she had taken her phone off her too.
She really needed a break.
Of course I was fine with it but sacha was upset as she wanted to be at home.
I assured her we would sort it out but obviously explained how important it is to not be so angry at home and school. I asked her if there was anything wrong such as bullying, boys. Drugs etc. Sacha isnt a teen that goes out. She doesn't hang about the street or anything. She works every sat and has odd shopping trips,with friends but that's about it.

Anyway the second night she was with us she got really upset and said she wanted to return home. All of a sudden she ran out of the house.
I was terrified. My partner jumped in the car and we followed her and convinced her to get in the car. I rang my daughter and she said we would have to bring her home.
We did and since then sacha hasn't wanted to stay with me or anything. She has become really distant!
I am still grieving for my mum, never mind my grandaughter..
While she was with me I was really sympathetic and didn't scold her at all.
She has come for tea with her mum but won't spend any time alone with me. We had had a shopping trip arranged for the Easter hols and she txt me to cancel.
I was and still am devastated!

What can u do?? My daughter just says. Mum shes just a teenager but I'm losing sleep over it!

Advice much appreciated.

Starry123 Thu 25-Apr-19 13:09:51

I wonder if she is jealous of your new partner, she has had you to herself for a long time and perhaps she does not want to have to share you with someone else? How about just the two of you going out somewhere it may help .

KatyK Thu 25-Apr-19 13:10:46

I was going to ask if she likes your new partner.

BlueBelle Thu 25-Apr-19 13:36:54

I think you are expecting too much from a 16 year old to still be as close as she was, even one that doesn’t go out much but there must be more, perhaps she’s teased for not going out, perhaps she gets taunted on her phone, perhaps she doesn’t like your new partner, or doesn’t feel comfortable with him.
You haven’t said what she got upset over when she ran out the house something must have happened or been said to have unnerved her she wouldn’t just get up and run for no reason
But obviously what ever is wrong happened independent to you and your partner as the reason she came to you is because of her misbehaviour at home and school
It actually screams of bullying and that could be phone bullying or even just comments taken to heart
It’s a worry but you ll never know until she’s ready to talk

morethan2 Thu 25-Apr-19 15:02:46

It’s sad when our children/grandchildren don’t want to visit us as much as they used to. I had wonderful relationships with the first four my grandchildren when they were little. Oh the love and affection I gave and received was enough to last my whole life. It’s seared into my memory. Unfortunately there comes a time to let them go. Do it gracefully then there’s a better chance that they will want to come again (less frequently though!) Your love for them isn’t wasted, it is there inside them. It will sustain them long after we’re gone and of course we will live on in their memory and in the tales of how us their grandparents enriched their childhoods. I tell myself this every time I’m exhausted looking after this last bunch of grandchildren. wink

Bibbity Thu 25-Apr-19 15:08:01

She is 16 and not the child she once was.
She wanted to be at home but was forced to yours against her will.
Can you not see how that could’ve changed her perception of your home?

Also she will not be able to relax int he way she used to. I’m sure your partner is wonderful but he is not a relation who she has grown up with and at her age may not feel comfortable staying with him as much.

tanith Thu 25-Apr-19 15:11:24

Saying she’s 16 says it all really, she’s growing up and spreading her wings. My GD is 14 and she has been my rock since losing DH 6mths ago but I know the time is coming when I’ll have to stop expecting her to pop in on the way home from school and coming for sleepovers and let her spread her wings and live her life as she wants.
I know she’ll keep me in her heart forever because of all the years we’ve been so close.

Let her go without sadness and she’ll be back.

Florence64 Thu 25-Apr-19 15:15:08

Something is up. Could be bullying, boyfriends, abuse or even something relatively mild that she has built up out of proportion. Is there any chance she could be pregnant, or have been pregnant and had an abortion? I say this because I know it happens and girls don't always tell their families. She might be being bullied at school, or online, or there could be someone grooming her for abuse. She might just be going through teenage angst, or perhaps she's keeping a secret which is tearing her apart. The other thing is perhaps she is upset about losing your mum and it's made her realise that one day she will lose you too and that's hard for her to imagine as you've always been so close. Send her little cards and texts and keep letting her know you love her without putting her under pressure. Speak to her mum and encourage her to try and get to the bottom of this, as it sounds as if she's very upset about something.

jeanie99 Fri 26-Apr-19 23:04:10

Well clearly there is something wrong.
My first thought was bullying at school, is she taking exams and going on to do A levels?
If this is the case mum might suggest via you going to college instead of staying on in 6th form.
Could she have boyfriend problems.
This age group can be very secretive I know from experience with my daughter at her age.
Would she agree to go out with you, just you for coffee and cake, or ask if she could advice on some clothing for an outing.
Keep the new man out of the picture because she may be
jealous and fear loosing your friendship.
Don't loose touch with her and always let her know how special she is to you.

Namsnanny Sat 27-Apr-19 00:40:26

Charlie....I agree with jeanie99, there is clearly something wrong.
From what you have described, her behaviour has changed drastically over a short period of time, both at home and school, and now with you.

I hope this is just teen angst, but I really doubt it.

You haven't mentioned her father or if things in your daughters life have changed recently.

Your new life with your partner is quite a big change for her, especially as you were both close before.

Do you think you and your daughter can spend some time trying to pinpoint when exactly gd's behaviour changed.
Could there be anything new or different in either of your lives as well as gd's which brought extra pressure for her?

It might be wise for your daughter to speak to her school as well. Getting detentions etc., must be a swing away from her usual behaviour.

If she was just out growing your company I wouldn't have expected such a dramatic event as running away to happen.

Good luck shamrock

GrandmainOz Sat 27-Apr-19 06:26:28

It does sound like something is wrong ,particularly as you are usually so close.
I really don't want to be awful, there's no polite way of putting this, but are you sure nothing has happened to her regarding your new partner?
I'm sure I'm completely barking up the wrong tree. But it seems odd that she was so desperately (and out of character) trying to get away from your place and now won't spend time with you alone.
I honestly don't mean to be rude or offend you, which I'm sure I have, but that's a mighty big change in your GD's feelings toward you and I don't blame you for being worried.
Teens by their nature become more independent and spend less time with us oldies. We expect that if we've any sense. But this a sudden and strong aversion, not a gradual tailing off as a boyfriend comes on the scene etc

BradfordLass72 Sat 27-Apr-19 06:53:00

As others have said, there IS a problem and I suspect she ran from you because she wanted to confide in you but then, for reasons she cannot articulate, knew she couldn't because, in some way, it would (in her eyes) make things worse.

This a common pattern, though of course the problems differ.

Teenagers forget that adults can usually cope with anything and can see ways out of problems which they cannot.

But they are reluctant to make the adults they love feel ashamed. Reassure her that nothing she could ever do or say, would persuade you to be ashamed of her - NOTHING.

Unconditional love is just that and your past, shared experience is proof of your bond.

If you can, by word or letter, reassure your grand-daughter you love her and it does not matter what the problem is, you will ALWAYS be thee for her, with all your vast experience of solving problems.

She will still be reluctant to hurt you or cause you shame (as she sees it) but at least she will know you are prepared to fight for her peace of mind.

Sara65 Sat 27-Apr-19 08:12:48

I agree with jeannie99, there is clearly something wrong, beyond the usual teenage stroppiness!
Believe me, I know that getting some children to talk about their problems is like getting blood out of a stone, but you need to persevere.
As you have always had such a close bond, it does seem odd that she doesn’t want to stay with you, hate to bring it up again, but maybe she isn’t keen on your partner, or maybe just jealous of him, and the time you spend with him, which used to be just for her?
Another thing I’ve noticed with one of my own granddaughters, is that she’s fiercely loyal, and never tells tales about what’s going on at home, even though we know things aren’t always great for her
Just give her lots of love , let her know it’s unconditional, and that you’ll always be there for her, and hopefully, you’ll get to the bottom of it
Good luck