To relocate or not?

Thank you everyone for your replies. You have given me some great advice and much food for thought. I will probably read and re-read your comments to back up whatever decision I make. I don’t do things rashly and will take my time over this. I’m now thinking of buying a touring caravan and having it on a long term pitch in the area I am thinking of moving to so that I can have many holidays there and suss out all the positive and negative things about it. If I decide it’s not the right place, I can always move it somewhere else and if everything is right, I can then look into moving permanently. Thanks again for taking the time to answer me. ?

we too in our mid and late 60s are selling our family home and moving to to pastures new, retirement has arrived, our children and grandchildren live abroad,Middle East, we see them once or twice a year and love every moment of those visit and trips.It’s their lives, and this is ours, our time to enjoy together, so we’re off to Spain, to an area we’ve been going to for years and years . You must do what’s feels right for you, hopefully with your family’s support and backing.
Enjoy.

I don't need to make your decision (family closeby-ish) but do know that as grandchildren grow into teenagers, one is not needed as much as before so I would not base any proposed move on the basis of purely seeing your grandchildren. As they grow up, children have their own lives to lead.

The best suggestion is that made by many Gransnet-ers, to rent your home out and rent a house in your desired location. That way you can taste the local ambience, check out facilities: public transport (for when you can no longer drive), GP surgeries (are they accepting new patients?), local hospitals, supermarkets, libraries, clubs and societies etc. etc.

I would suggest at least six to twelve months so you can experience various seasons (everything looks rosy in the sunshine but what about a wet week-end in November?).

Good luck with your decision!

We too are planning to leave our family home for pastures new. We currently live in rather remote part of Lincolnshire, husband newly retired from o life in agriculture. Our children and grandchildren live away, Middle East and London. We are moving to Spain, while we’re able to enjoy the chance, big leap but would rather jump than be pushed. Been going to the same place for years and years, have a network of friends there.
You must do what’s best for you, not based on where you’re children are, they too may move. Ours did and I’m happy for them. Yes I envy friends who see grandchildren weekly instead of once or twice a year. But...this is our time now, and they can come to visit whenever and wherever we are.

tillybelle..i have dogs too. what great conversation starters they are i do enjoy walking them. I chat along to them like they are people and all the while they are probably thinking..for goodness sake woman will you shut up...i have a cat too. I did have 2 cats

Tillybelle, I know someone, a very savvy and competent lady who sold her car, opened an account and put the money she saved on running her car into this new taxi account along with the money she got for the car.
Then she went and did her weekly shopping. £30 round trip! She then started to depend on her neighbour. The neighbour died. She had no computer so no on line shopping. Now she depends on the DD of a friend.
My point being that this woman with good intentions and plenty of money couldn’t cope with the concept of her taxi fare costing almost as much as her shopping.

DH & moved from Surrey to Somerset as we needed to downsize & wanted somewhere half way between my DD & DH's DD, his S had moved away & we were never close. Luckily we sold our house & found our new home easily but DH did find it stressful. Just short of 12 months after our move DH was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was a widow 15 months after our move, I was only 57, not working as I was DH's carer, still able to drive.

One year on I made the decision to move closer to DD (with her agreement). Took over a year to sell my property then a cash buyer came along, 3 weeks to get organised so I had nowhere to actually move to. However I had looked at various properties in a 10 mile radius from DD. So it was put furniture etc in storage, 2 weeks with DD & then I rented a holiday flat for a few weeks.

I was lucky enough to view a Mobile Home (we had one in Somerset) on my 2nd day in Devon which I loved. Few complications before I could move in but it happened.

I live in a small Town with nice shops, Doctor's Surgery, Library, several Pubs & Cafes, decent bus service & Train Station in nearby Town which is where I do my main shopping. GP Surgery has a volunteer driver service who (for a donation) will provide transport for Doctor/Dentist/Hospital appointments. I am about 10 miles from my DD, her OH & 2DGSs, I don't see lots of them as they have busy lives but it is easier for me to visit or them to visit me. I am close enough but not too close, I have made lots of friends, have lovely neighbours & at the moment despite health issues very independent. It's the best move I could have made. I am not required for childcare as DD had built a network of friends before I moved but DD is near enough if I should require more care as I age.

Meanwhile my DM still lives in Yorkshire, she's 90 & still independent but it's a 300 mile journey, I have to drive to see her as she lives in a small village with no ammeneties, luckily she has good friends who take her shopping, to WI etc but DD & I worry about her future.

Dear Tillybelle & HildaW - & others, I do so appreciate your advice & comments. Thank you so much .

Yes I think we shall be taking control of the situation & walking away, as we just can’t cope with it. The trouble is we do love the area & the house, but I think we will try & sell as soon as we can, & see what happens. Son & DIL are coming down to see us tomorrow, & a decision will be made.

But once again thank you for your replies . I seldom post on this forum but having had such positive & helpful replies I will do in future. I do read many of the posts daily, but I will be looking in & joining in more now.

dear nanny2507. My heart goes out to you. I keep saying how I am good at being on my own but I dread seeing my DC and DGC because I can't bear it when we say goodbye.

This may be a stupid suggestion so I do apologise if it is, but I am lucky enough to have little dogs. Without them I probably would be a complete depression case. Would it be possible for you to have a cat or even a bird? I do realise there are lots of reasons why this is probably not a good idea so I hope it hasn't upset you.

Of course when we can't keep our car we shall have a lot of extra money as they are expensive to run. So don't forget that and think of putting the car money into a taxi fund to enable you to see friends.

At least we can talk to each other here on Gnet! I find people here very kind. (Mostly - the vast majority!)

i would love to do this. but i cant afford to. How I miss my family. I have no friends in my tiny village. They have just cut one of the bus routes as it was uneconomical. My gp is wonderful but if at any time i cant drive ...i,m stuck. I would rather give up what i have now for my family even if it were only for a few years...what wonderful years they would be.

We did what you are contemplating in July last year. We are both 70 with one daughter in Canada and the other was a 3 hour drive away. We had been thinking we needed to move closer to her for some time,she has a serious heart condition and for the last two years has been in and out of hospital, the drive up the motorway to help and support our grandchildren was getting too much for DH. We found a new house we liked in a small market town, walking distance to shops,library doctors etc and just 30 mins away from our daughter. The move was very hard work and it has taken us some time to recover from the upheaval but it was definitely the right decision for us. We can now spend more time with our daughter who is now much better following an operation although her condition will eventually deteriorate again but at least for now we are all able to visit each other easily when needed. I realise we had a specific reason for relocating that spurred us into action but once the decision was made we never dithered over if we should do it just got it over with as quickly as possible and settled into a new stage of life- not easy but do- able with no looking back. Good luck with whatever you decide.

This is a kind of reverse situation. My elderly Mum lived an hour from us. We kept asking her to move closer but she didn’t want to because of friends and her pretty cottage. Ten years down the line and most of her friends have died or are in homes. Mum started to fall, not wash, not eat properly. She was in and out of hospital which meant us constantly travelling over an hour each way to see her or sort things out - sometimes 3 times a week. The distance she lived from us meant constant worry and constant travelling which caused us lots of stress and expense. Now she is actually living with us. Had she moved closer when we’d asked her to she might still be able to cope in a home of her own with us or DD popping round daily. So what I’m saying is that my advice is to move near your children.

As long as my DD doesn’t move we won’t need to, she is 2 miles away. The other one is in Aus, now that would be a big move.
I am putting in my two pennorth (sorry pedants!) because I have a lot of clients that should have moved years ago.
It is so hard for their children to help them, be there to accompany them to hospital appointments ect. I see the anxiety that these lovely people suffer but their children don’t.
They are on their best behaviour when the children visit. They don’t mention problems, don’t want to worry them.
In an ideal world we will never need them to worry about us and be able to cope admirably.
Or we won’t .
There is no need to live in their pockets but I would want to live near one of our DD’s. Just in case.

Tillybelle ....wise words and thanks for being a bit more blunt about the builder....I was trying to be tactful. In today's market a builder should be jumping to do everything a prospective buyer asks for. Ours have been brilliant. The snag list was minimal but we found a couple if little things after a few weeks and we have just had to send an e-mail and in a few days the former site manager (who is now at another small development) drives over, makes a note and the trade person responsible is dispatched within a few days. Its all done with a smile and we are never made to feel as if we are a nuisance. That's how it should be. There are 4 out of this small development still without firm offers as its a tough market - the builders are going to do everything they can to sell them and meet any prospective purchasers needs.

By the way my family encouraged me to move fr the point of view I found help them and when I was older they could help me

I moved on my own to be near both daughters nearly 3 years ago. I don’t regret it. I am a big part of their lives and see them and the grandchildren all the time. It did take a bit of time to make new friends . I work 1.5 days a week and do some volunteering. I do miss my previous area 150 miles away but I drive back regularly to see friends and my best friend drives to see me. It’s different but this is home now. I moved from South Wales (lived there all my life) to the SE

Dear Barleysugar. (I love your name!)
Yes I did read your message -easily! Far easier to read than my awful ramblings!

I had to say how much I feel for you and your husband. Moving and buying a house is agonising. But mainly I know all too well what living with anxiety and depression is like. I was plunged into both after the death of the friend I mentioned above. I am not afraid of taking anti-anxiety medication. I found it the only thing that really made a difference and helped me feel and think like my old self. I had PTSD.

I admire you for thinking of moving. I thought of it a lot and had a plan for it. However I have learned a great deal during the work I was doing preparing to move and finding the right area. I have temporarily decided to put it on hold. The reason? I was messed around, in fact defrauded by a builder. It threw me off-balance and made me lose confidence.

Is there any chance you can find a different place to move to? I would like to see you released of the burden of this builder. A person who messes you about and "moves goalposts" sets alarm bells ringing for me. I would see if you can find out more about him at least. I let myself be strung along for over a year. It is a long story but I learned to walk away. Now I won't have any dealings with anyone the moment I am not happy about them. I would rather walk away from the house I am buying than later on find that I have been defrauded and something terrible has happened.

Now, please listen! You are NOT "two old daft people"! It is so easy to be made to feel like this! I have had it happen to me. The evil builder I had was like that but it was he who was stupid, not I. He was in fact very dishonest, a fraudster and thief, a criminal.

If you need time to think about something, you are the Customer, you tell them you need time. If they say you haven't got time you must do it now you walk away telling them in that case you will leave it. only your Solicitor will tell you when there is an actual deadline once the Contracts have been exchanged and you are no where near that yet from what you have said. You have not even agreed a price.

You are in control here. If they want to sell the house then they will get the market rate from you. Once you have agreed to the price you remain unequivocal. Do not be bullied. Tell them flatly that all the fiddling around around and changing about is putting you off. They need to agree a sensible price - make them an offer (below what you are prepared to pay). They come back with higher offer of too much. You say no, and offer another amount below your final offer. They probably refuse and make another offer. You offer your final offer and say it is final and that is it, and the offer is for the house with all the finishing you have agreed. For example if they are supposed to lay the floor surfaces, and make the garden level and grass it, they do not decide not to do at the last moment. Have all these details written down. If your offer under these circumstances is refused, walk away. Make sure your offer is the market rate so they can't call you any silly names.

I would really start looking for another house if that is at all possible. If the builder gets a sniff that you are looking elsewhere he might become more sensible. But I do not like the sound of him. He bothers me.

Above anything else, if you go ahead with this builder, make sure your Solicitor looks into every aspect of the builder's dealings with you and checks that everything is right. Don't be shy to question your Solicitor and tell him you are not happy with the Builder's ways.

I do hope you find somewhere that will make you both relaxed and happy, Barleysugar! Wishing you both a very happy future, Elle

Barlysugar, Feel for you and fully understand. My DH carried me through this recent move as I'm the one with the anxiety problems. Every time the phone rang or he opened his e-mail page I'd go into a panic attack suspecting the worst at all times. I know he found it tedious but was always kind and supportive. He's not always understood how I could 'flip' so easily, but thankfully he has been very sweet all this time.
My only advise would be to try and keep everything simple as possible. We bought a new build but from a small development of 10 through a very highly respected Estate Agents and we sold through a similar very good EA. It was our way of making sure there were as few hitches as possible. I am not sure I'd be negotiating with someone who keeps 'moving the goal posts'....my nerves would not stand too many variables. You are a buyer and its a buyers market - you should be able to make the running. I do hope things settle down for you, its such a trial and you do need support, hope you get it.

We too are in a similar position. We are both in out late seventies, reasonably fit, but both with cancer problems - ‘which are treatable - for the time being anyway.

Our DS & DIL are very keen for us to move near them, only a 2 hour drive away, but we are finding the actual moving process a nightmare. My DH suffers from depression & gets extremely anxious about everything, the slightest little hiccup upsets him so much that I am beginning to wonder if it is all worth it, as I have to shoulder everything.

We have found a new house, & are in discussions with the builders, but can’t agree a price. They keep moving the goalposts which is very distressing as we don’t know where we are. I expect they think we are 2 old daft people! Which we probably are!

Perhaps we have left it too late to move now, it’s something we should have done 10 years ago, but then the family weren’t settled themselves. It’s such a conundrum.

If you have read this, thank you. I just felt I needed to put my feelings in writing to try & sort things out in my head .

Some good advice. If your son and partner have suggested you move closer could you spend some time kin the area.. Possibly renting something or in a B and B to give you an opportunity to look around and see what is available and areas that would suit you and you interests. Would there be a chance that your son could move away and how would you feel. You would benefit from increased contact with family and grandchildren and warmer climate.

We were in the same position as you, we lived in a beautiful small village in East Yorkshire, opposite a small church surrounded by fields and good neighbours. We could leave our door open and still feel safe.
My husband has a chronic illness and our family lived some distance away in West Yorkshire, the East Midlands and Kent. Last year we moved to the East Midlands to make things easier, in doing so my daughter and grandchildren moved from Kent and my mum moved from West Yorkshire, my sister was already in the East Midlands, we are now all within a short distance of each other.
I won’t pretend that it’s been easy, it hasn’t and I miss my small Yorkshire village like crazy but we visit and speak to old friends regularly. After a year of living here I still don’t feel like this is home, hopefully that will come with time but we have the support that only our family could give.
I might have missed this but what has your son said about your idea of moving to be closer to him?
Whatever you do I hope all goes well

Perhaps try renting in the area first to see what it's like. Have you ever lived in southern England before?

Is your son definitely settled where he currently lives? It would be a pity to move there and he then moves somewhere else for his work!!

What does your son think? I suppose you could discuss it with him. I think a move could be very successful provided you make new friends and don't rely on your son and his family for companionship.

There's no right or wrong answer. Good luck.

TenaciousB I too live at a distance, but not as great as yours, from my children and DGC.

I have so far decided to remain where I am as I am well served with services and friends. This is not where I have always lived but I came here about 20 years ago. I am a widow - widowed at 41. I am used to being on my own since the children left home. I used to see a friend almost daily until I found him dead some ten years ago. I may find physical things hard to manage but mentally I can manage without company so long as I have the dogs. I live simply because of coping with limited physical ability. This means I don't make elaborate meals but it's amazing how little we really need regarding food. I eat very simply and am very happy that way. My worst fear is dying and no one knowing to feed the dogs so I have an arrangement to phone someone at least every 2 days - usually daily.

I can see your dilemma about moving. It really is a very big decision. I did talk about it to my DD whom I thought was the least likely to move in the next 10 years and she said that she could not honestly guarantee that her husband's work would stay put. So firstly, check that your DC are going to stay where you might go to be near them!

You will need to look at budget. I have no idea of the price differential between your present home and possible future location but I am sure you have covered this.

I am well covered here for access to the hospital for example and although it is not perfect it is not a journey round country lanes. I am a country person and would live as a hermit in a remote cave (well... with some heating..) but having been in acute pain I know I don't want to have a long ambulance journey round twisting lanes. This could be a consideration for you. Think ahead to when you may not have your own car.

Friends matter but again I have made lovely friends in the relatively short time I have lived her. So much so that I do not want to leave as I like the people so much. You would undoubtedly make friends. But you do not want to stop contact with old friends, especially at our age. Have you talked to friends about this? Sometimes their views help.

My children, late 30s to late 40s, are all working Professionals with children in school. They have extraordinarily busy lives. Apart from work - and their husbands have to travel abroad too - they do a lot in their communities. I sometimes don't see much of them when I visit because they have meetings etc and their commitments are, imo a bit overwhelming. But it's the old adage - if you want a job done, ask a busy person! The DGC also take up a lot of their time in that they need collecting from school, one DD has children in 3 different schools as they are different ages and then there are school plays, parents' evenings, dealing with homework, games kit,- the list of organising the children is a full-time job in itself!

So - are your DC there to help you or are you going there to help them? When you are older will they be able to help you? Would you get on if they came into your day to day life to help you? With the best will in the world, and we love each other so much, my 3 DDs have grown up to reveal there is a generation gap to me, with different ways of doing things. They do not understand my life properly now I am disabled, possibly my fault for not communicating things well, but they do not appreciate the life of a disabled old woman living alone in pain. They can't understand the corners I am forced to cut because I can't mange to do things. The young can't take it in somehow. They find it hard to be objective about their Mum. I think they need us to be the strong dependable mum we always were. What I mean is, you need to look at your relationship with your children and see if it would work as you age and while they manage their families and careers. They are not the same people they were at 18, 25, or even 30+

As nannypiano says " so expecting to see more of family when living closer doesn't always work that way."

Regarding above - your relationship between the generations, I suspect you will get on fine because you sound able-bodied and have each other. I know a man who moved north to be near his son and that appears to work well despite the dad being somewhat demanding I noticed, when I was invited to visit, but as yet the dad is very fit and spritely.

I would try going down to the area for a good stay - hire a cottage if you can. Explore the area and get the feel of it. If you love it for its own sake then you will not be losing anything even if your children are so busy you don't see them as much as you hoped. It might be a wonderful move! I do think moving gives us a fillip. To move near the sea might feel like a holiday!

I have to say, if I could move to Scotland, and not just because of my life-long love of all of its beauty, but because of its politics too, then I would be tempted to go tomorrow nay today! However, the South of England can be warmer. I don't know where you are looking at but it is very pretty and in parts is stunningly beautiful. Property can be astronomically expensive e.g. Poole, and I have found some parts (my home ground - nameless) can be narrow-minded, snobbish about money, very right-wing and not afraid to make racist comments. That was my experience the last couple of times I ventured to a particular area in the countryside somewhere quite away beyond the south of London. I now live in the East Midlands which has beautiful countryside and wonderful people and I only encountered racism here when certain persons from the south used to visit.

I would try and get the best of both worlds - I like living just by the countryside near the city where I have easy access to both and can enjoy the glorious things my delightful little city has to offer! It brings me all the orchestras, the opera, indeed the music I love and I can park and ride on the tram using my disability scooter almost straight to my theatre seat!

Living south of London especially with the bad roads in the Home Counties, does not offer any of this. You have to get into London itself. Also every beautiful town has its run-down area too. There are very rich towns, especially in the South, with dire poverty right next to them in the poor area(s) and you may not know where these are until you do some research.

There are though, many places in the South of England that I would recommend as beautiful and friendly and I have friends who are involved in many musical and arts pursuits there. Before thinking of moving I would research everything about an area; from the Tourist Information to anything discussing issues about the area, cost of living, employment levels, crime figures, school records, hospital reports, medical provision, etc. I know employment and schools do not immediately concern us but the figures tell us a lot about the area.

I think GabriellaG54 makes good points and so nice and concisely!

Wishing you much good luck! Do let us know how you get on please!

Greta8, your scenario sounds very similar to ours. Listed property with off grid drainage sold (phew!) Smaller very well appointed modern cottage style house in a small but very community centred village with good links to 'civilisation' but far enough away to still hear the birds and wander by the river with the dog.
All this 'Escape to the Country' business is lovely but once you have had a real health scare (thankfully resolved) you realise that you do need to take the rose tinted specs off. Oh and far less dust and housework....yay!

The idea of renting first is a good one TenaciousB get a proper feel for the area. Have you talked to your family about the proposed move? You need to ensure neither party has unrealistic expectations.
Families can be really supportive but they can also move on and you wouldn't want to hold them back,. Grandchildren are a joy but they grow up quickly. Think carefully about your reasons, there needs to be more for you than just being near family, Good luck.