I feel like I don't want to be friends with my lifelong friend anymore

Ionia, I don’t think you need a friend like this; she seems rather obnoxious. Life is so short, spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself!

I think sometimes, sad though it is, you just have to cut someone like this out of your life altogether.

Like you my friend used to come and stay once or twice a year. Frequently during the visit she would give copious pieces of advice about me, my house, my garden etc.

The parting of the ways came when, after she had visited my elder daughter's house, she wrote her a letter informing her she was not looking after her tortoise properly and threatening her with RSPCA intervention. Not true of course. It was a long very detailed letter in which she admitted that the advice would probably sound the end of her friendship with me. Too right.

Finally I wrote her a letter letting her know how sick I had been of her bossy interfering. Made me feel a lot better.

I am much more careful who I let into my life now.

You could write it in a letter and then wait to see how she's going to handle it.

Unlike some posters I wouldn't describe these as put-downs. She is probably genuinely trying to advise. If the OP wants to tell the friend what she's getting wrong I'd explain it as "unasked for advice making me feel inadequate". If she can understand this, you might be able to save your friendship. Babies and bathwater comes to mind.

She maybe your oldest friend but she isn't your dearest. If you can't put up with her for such a short time once or twice a year then it is time to let it be.
One of my bestfriends was having an affair for years and always said when her sons get older she would leave her husband. They got older she had no desire to leave her husband so he could be free and I got tired of listening to the sordid details. Ironic to think she's now friends with an ex of mine who treated me very bad. Its
funny how she would constsntly give me advice although I never asked for it. Two bad eggs!! Do we really ever know people? And do some people care only about themselves and their own opinions?
If you can't confront your friend to give her chance to at least realise her behaviour is demeaning to you - then it's the end.

I have been friends with someone I met at work more than 20 years ago and we have met at each other's homes once a fortnight but not meeting elsewhere for any other social activities

However on 2nd April I broke my right wrist and had to have an operation- she did phone to ask how I was a couple of days later but apart from phoning 3 weeks ago to thank me for her husband'sbirthday card she has not contacted me at all.
I did eventually phone her yesterday to say I was feeling better and she was full of apologies saying she had kept meaning to phone but time had flown by but she had been thinking of me!!!

I do feel very hurt but have arranged to see her this week but intend to suggest we do not meet as regularly in future as I no longer feel the same about our so called friendship.

I appreciate she does not always feel well as she is 88 but it only takes a few seconds to pick up the phone

This is a very difficult one and something that has been on my mind for a while.

Similar situation friends since we met in school, godmother to my son. Can be one of the kindest, caring, generous person you could wish to meet. She will do anything for you. She was a wonderful support to me when my husband died. She had been through it a couple of years before when her husband died very suddenly. She not only lost her husband but all the social life that went with the position he had. She is extremely well off (but that shouldn't matter.)

Over the past couple of years she has gone very self opinionated, she is always right and also she can be hurtfully, pass remarkable.

When there are just the two of us she is normally fine. When we go out with a couple of other friends it can be a nightmare. She seems to contradict me, tries to say that i am always interrupting her. We are not at ease when we are out as we afraid to mention certain topics and talk freely. A couple of times recently she has been really horrible to me and upset me. She also tries to belittle me on occasion. She rings up a day or so later and apologies for what she said and she will say I 'm sorry I upset you. I really wasn't nice was I? Foolishly, I have kind of said well I'm used to it aren't I?

It hurts and I have sat thinking why do I put up with it? Then I think do I throw all these years of friendship away. Do I need it?

One of the friends is getting that she doesn't want to come out with us because of the way she treats me. She says I have a job to keep my mouth shut and it hurts me to see you being treated the way she does.

I am sorry it doesn't help Ionia's situation apart from the fact that she is not the only one with this problem. The answers in this post are really giving me food for thought.

Thank you

The nature of our friendships may change but our shared memories and experiences are precious and friends stay as part of our lives for ever. Drifting apart is common but in my experience inexplicable parting of the ways is hard to bear and deserves an honest explanation. Your friend in question may have no idea that her behaviour annoys you, and I can only suggest that you put her right; gently, as a friend. But we are all different, so this might not work .....!

I ended an almost 10 year friendship last year. I just could no longer bear the put downs veiled as jokes or 'I didn't mean it like that ', the casual racism or the fact I was dropped every time a new guy showed up.

Wow. That sounds familiar. Mutual ex friend maybe?

Last year I laid down my boundaries to someone just like that. I messaged them and said that I would be happy to meet to catch up, but only if they were actually going to be happy to see me and not treat me like a chore after they instigated the meet up. I said that I was getting mixed signals, they kept contacting me re meet ups, but once we met up (if they turned up) they acted like they did not enjoy my company. I also told them that I would not be taking time off or travelling to them but they were welcome to come to me, as I have been ditched for better offers too many times and my time and money isnt worthless.

They were not interested in continuing our friendship on those terms.

This is hard to face - but I agree with others who are suggesting you talk to her, if the friendship has meaning for you and you would like to get it back on a happier footing. You could try saying something like this: "When you.......(say things like.......) I feel .......(whatever you feel...) I would like......(whatever you want from her) What do you think?"
This is about being assertive instead of passive or aggressive; in my experience it really helps. I hope things work out well for you both.

I think I would just keep in touch by letters/e-mails and telephone calls. Do you ever visit her in her home?

I feel ambivalent........whilst I, too have friends I have grown apart from I also feel that life is about compromise and I see this kind of friendship as an opportunity to renegotiate and be flexible. I am not comfortable with ending friendships, personally I would see that as a some kind of failing on my part.

I sadly let go of a friend after 40 years as basically she just drained me and I just refused to allow her to do that to me anymore. I tried to talk to her 1st but couldn’t get thro her self obsession. However sad it is, at times you just have to let people go. Friendships like any relationships, should always be a 2way thing, not all about what one person wants.

I ended an almost 10 year friendship last year. I just could no longer bear the put downs veiled as jokes or 'I didn't mean it like that ', the casual racism or the fact I was dropped every time a new guy showed up.
If you feel like your friendship has ended it probably has. Don't sweat it. ?

I am so happy I joined this forum. You all rock!

I know it’s hard but it’s time to let go. You will feel so much better when you do.
Please don’t feel terrible we all change over time.
Perhaps you could write a letter sending her best wishes & say you will not be in contact for a while , it would be up to you if you choose to give a reason.
Best wishes life is to short to endure & tolerate situations we don’t need or want.

it seems that her behaviour to you is passive aggressive and you are right to be offended by it. The next step is to not put up with it. It means of course that she has passed the burden of ending the relationship over to you. We increasingly live in a society where those who think they are better, more successful etc feel they should manage the less better off. Complete rubbish. In your own particular way tell her not to patronise you, or to sling her hook. It is no more blunt than her telling you you have a stain on your carpet. (very close people can criticise you but even then it should always be reciprocal). Time to act Ionia, cheeky woman.

IT doesn't matter how old the relationship is if your not getting anything out of it cut ties. You need uplifting friends not ones who make you feel worse after a visit.

I agree with Sodapop. The next time she tells you to do something you don't like, simply raise your eyebrows at her and say warmly, "I don't appreciate you saying that - I'm happy with the way I do/have things, thanks." And continue to be warm and friendly. It won't be a big deal to her, really.

As individuals we change over the years so it's not surprising if we have little in common with someone we knew 60 years ago.
Having said that my husband has one friend from 60 years ago who he and I are still great friends with. We have common interests and the same values but I would think that is unusual.
We have a couple of married friends from our previous home location who we chat with on the phone and meet up occasionally for a meal.
We have friends met on holiday from about 15 years ago who we see more regularly.
Friends come and go for whatever reason.
How I see it is, if the friendship is not providing happiness, laughter and sharing of each others lives the friendship as faded just let it go. There is little need to explain anything.

I think it can cause problems when you equate length of frienship with the quality/value of the frienship.

I had an old school friend who I stayed friends with long after we had anything in common or enjoyed each others company. Once I realised how stupid it was to call your oldest friends your "best friends" by default we actually started getting on better. Now we catch up now and then as old AQUAINTANCES and it works much better than trying to maintain the friend title just for old times sake.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to me, including offering your experiences. I've appreciated every one of them. I will take time to reflect further, and this has provided some valuable touchstone reflection points.

Many, many thanks.

A friend ‘ghosted’ me a couple of years ago. I think that’s what it’s called when you try to get in touch and they just ignore you. There had been no fallout. We were colleagues at work and I retired a bit before her. I was so upset. I couldn’t get over it. We probably didn’t have enough in common after work related issues although we did used to lunch together in the hospital canteen.

Anyway another friend put me straight. She just said look face facts, it’s just that this 20y friendship meant more to you than it did to her.

I got over it after that.

God It's desperately sad. One of my small circle of friends is " busy" all the time. I haven't got the energy to wonder why.

After mulling it over for a couple of days, I've just deleted a friend request on Facebook sent to me from someone who was for years one of my best friends. We began to grow apart long ago and now have nothing at all in common - our joint memories don't count as she despises the little working-class Northern town we were brought up in. It's a shame really, but I see no point in our pretending to be friends on Facebook when we no longer are. I think it's best to move on.