I feel like I don't want to be friends with my lifelong friend anymore

You say you only see her once or twice a year. If I were you, I'd simply not contact her to arrange any future get-togethers, and if she contacts you, I'd simply say you're too busy right now. Maybe she'll get the message without you having to actually 'break-up' the friendship...

So true - I am trying to move on now, it's now five weeks since my friend made contact, I keep looking for an email but don't think I will ever hear from her again. I call her a friend, but it was just a nice acquaintance really - she didn't know it was my birthday in April after five years of 'friendship'.

Her life has been turned upside down by her new grandchild, and I do understand but am sad to have lost her. My late husband was my true friend, I do miss him so.

Everything, even old friendships have their 'sell-by dates'. We change - they change ...

You are truly blessed if you have a friendship that weathers all the storms that life brings. Move on, if it doesn't.

imagine

anyway just a thought ,she might be miss perfect but image her naked . might make you smile ..

could you not say .well i do things my way/its not my home you come to see its me.. and if she cannot accept you as you are ,its time to speak out or just let her fade away.. me i would say something .

That’s hard and undeserved lucky. If there are family and other friends in the scene maybe cut back a bit on your contact with her, I just know how people even good friends, drop away in these circumstances.
The family will know /fear but might choose to ignore what is happening. It’s a scary thing.

She’s married but apart from one instance where I dared to raise the subject to her husband but he didn’t really take me up on it. It’s difficult because I don’t want to cause rows between them and I don’t really see him much. She has two daughters, one is a nurse and I can’t believe that neither of them have noticed anything. She told everyone of our mutual friends about our big row and I feel unfairly blamed for it. I’m assuming one day that someone will acknowledge that the difficulty has been with my friend and not me. I realise it’s not her fault and I should be a good friend to her still but it’s difficult with such unfair criticism and aggression constantly coming my way.

Lucky legs it sounds as if your friend may have dementia, certainly what you describe could describe the symptoms. Is she on her own, does she have family support or someone close you can speak to ?
If that is the case it is not her fault, so difficult though it is, and I know how hard it can be, try to be as good a friend to her as you can.

Littleowl,

That is all good advice!
I have had my “oldest friend “ for 55 years. She was my bridesmaid. We have nothing in common now except our past.. most of which I’ve forgotten until she reminds me of something I said or did which she didn’t like .
My “friend “ lives in Canada and we keep in touch by letter and occasional visits . She never married , moved around a lot and has a demanding career .
I married young and had a family and loved my “ job “ as apparently nursing is not a career ?
If I met her now for the first time we would not be friends, I would find her boring and I’m sure she would feel the same ..,
I’m just not brave enough to call time ?

This thread is very apt as I am just in the process of tailing off an old friendship. I have considered posting on GN about it but I was too upset about it all.

We were next door neighbours and kept the friendship up since we moved away almost 30 years ago. We still did a lot together, went shopping, days out, meals out as couples, etc. We have had a couple of short breaks away together but they are very different to us, don't drink at all, love walking and climbing whereas we like sunbathing and relaxing. Our children and grandchildren feel she is part of our family, very close.

However, I think she has changed recently, is perhaps developing a dementia type illness, she has become very aggressive with me, doesn’t understand simple ideas and gets confused with things. I feel as if I want to avoid her really because she tackles me about different things, even on the phone, says I oughtn't to be interested in various subjects which she considers should be left to my husband because she feels it’s a man thing. She senses that I’m withdrawing and keeps demanding I ring her but I don’t want to!

I feel as she has been such a good kind friend in the past, I owe it to her to support her in this illness, if it is that. But I instinctively want to protect myself from the aggression and nastiness she shows towards me.

I feel sorry for the OP and can’t offer any more advice than has already been given.

She sounds quite unhappy and a bit of a control freak. If I were you I'd stop any face to face contact. It shouldn't be difficult if you only see her once or twice a year.

Go where your energy is reciprocated, celebrated and appreciated.

5 Things to Quit:
Trying to please everyone
Fearing change
living in the past
Putting yourself down
Overthinking

Just a couple of good thoughts for the day I have come across recently.

They may be helpful. xx

I remember reading this: "Don't make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option".
I think sometimes friendships just run their course. This has happened to me more than once and, eventually, I am glad that a particular person is no longer in my life. There is always someone new and interesting to meet.

I have a very nice old work friend, not known her for many years but at work she was a nice person but she has a Husband who is not a nice person, he is always putting me down whenever we visit, which thankfully is not often, he makes remarks about the English and the UK in general, tries to joke about it but it really hurts, sometimes I feel like being really rude back but I cant,I would like to end the friendship because of this awful man, but feel sorry for my friend in that case,I think one day I will explode, one can only take so much.This man is always talking about money what this cost, what that cost etc. he is a total bore. We dont live in the UK, I must add.

I certainly wouldn't want to be told there were stains on my carpet - I would probably be all too aware anyway, and who's to say I mightn't have tried to get them out?

It's bad manners and there's no excuse for it. Reminds me of being 14 with a spot on my face, and someone saying, 'Ooh, you've got a spot!' - as if I didn't know!

People who feel themselves to be superior and 'kindly' dish out unsolicited advice to those who don't want it and didn't ask for it, are right royal pains in the arse.

I would just ditch her, OP, quietly and without saying why, unless she asked - in which case I'd certainly tell her.

If you would like to keep in touch, perhaps it would be better not to allow meetings at your house. Meet somewhere neutral and time-limited, eg for lunch or for coffee, so she doesn't see your home or your parking (!), and keep the visits short and sweet. Ask her about her life and she won't have time to criticise yours. But, if she still makes comments you don't like, you can't rescue the situation, so make sure you're not available for a while and she'll soon understand.

Sometimes a friendship has run its course. A 20 year friendship came to an end, which I was sad about, but realised we had both changed so much but hadn't noticed until she returned home to live nearer her family.

I've been asked to join her for coffee, but I don't think we can start again. We should just be happy that we had a wonderful time, but those times can't be recreated.

Your friendship sounds as if it's gone stale too, but maybe worth just not meeting up.

If you have been friends since childhood and want to keep the contact, then I too would try to respond to any hurtful remarks as they occur, in a friendly way. She may have no idea that she comes across as so bossy.
If you want to let the friendship peter out, then just be busy sometimes when she wants to meet. I would not write a letter. I find that written words, whether on paper or by text/ email, can be misconstrued as the receiver doesn't hear your tone.

... and my random music selector just put on Queen's 'Friends will be Friends'

What wonderful and varied responses to the OP - really made me think of those in my life, past and present. And more to the point, about how good a friend I am to those in my life. Thanks for the opportune reminder for my personal 'taking stock'.

I am also reminded of the saying that a friend is for a reason, a season ... or a lifetime.

Niucla97 Oh you poor girl! I suspect Iona won't mind you talking about your similar situation.

Obviously I can't tell, but it crossed my mind that this "friend" might have been nagging and rude to her husband. Some people have to have a person they use like a punchbag to vent all their nasty feelings on. I just wondered if she used to do it to him, being closed doors, but now has picked on you? It was just a thought.

It's irrelevant anyway why she picked on you, but what matters here is you.

I'm afraid you do have to keep away from her in my humble opinion. As Glammy57 above said so well, life is too short to be made unhappy by unkind people. Mix with good people. You don't need such a punishing unfair person in your life.

With best wishes, Elle x

Glammy57 Yes!

Ionia. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. It is horrible when someone nit picks and puts you down. Some people do it habitually. I think it makes them feel clever or superior. A true friend is never this callous. I expect she has to know everything and have the last word too. I have a friend like that but see her very seldom so I just mentally hum a tune and smile while I think "Whatever makes you feel important..."

I do not think you should feel at all guilty for not wanting to see her and being glad when she is gone.

People change as they become adults. We cannot always see what they will be like when we become friends as children.

I do not think you deserve to go through this kind of insensitive and hurtful criticism. She sounds very unpleasant to me! I would be in great distress having someone keep criticising me like that!

I think you can quite comfortably and with no guilt feelings at all let her go. It may be easier just not to be available for her visits. If she pushes very hard maybe suggest because of your very busy life that you could meet for coffee in a place between your homes but too far from yours for her to force entry!

Good luck and do stick up for yourself! People must respect you, not criticise you! A true friend supports you and does not come to judge you and see your carpet - unless you are showing it to her for a special reason!

Maybe you could learn some "boundaries" and how to keep them. I had to learn about this to stop a bully (in fact more than one) from spoiling my life. Or maybe do an assertiveness course. It might make you feel more confident and hence happier even if you never see her again. It might help you say "Things like new carpets are just for show. I live for more important things, like genuine caring friendships."

Whatever you do, please let her go!

Wishing you lots of luck and with very best wishes, Elle x

Next time she comments on stains or your parking, tell her to mind her own b. business.

You have known each other since you were children, so presumably she can accept being put in her place by you, or was she always like this?

If so, dump her. Tell her next time she proposes coming for a visit that it isn't suitable and don't ring back to suggest she comes.