How to tell father I don't want to stay with him when I visit?

I think it's a great idea to spend another week with your father. You don't want to have any regrets. But maybe check with Father that it's what he would like?

I think your last post is ideal and a great solution and he will have something to look forward to You won’t have your Dad for ever I d give my right arm to have mine back just for a day even Nansnet

You are caught between two men who are both assuming their needs go first. This is how it has been since there were men and women on the earth and how it will be until women decide otherwise.

Decide what you can cope with and what you want to do. The person who suggested staying in a hotel and from which you can make visits to your father might have a good compromise.

Whatever you do, DON'T clean the house. I think your doctor has just discovered you have some vague arthritic condition which means that, however much you want to help, it will hospitalise you immediately. After all, the DF has a cleaner.

tell your dad you staying at a hotel this time. tell him you need to be away from the home for a while. kind of pretend you are the home help .a few hours each day. set a time limit..that way you could take him for a day out/ or maybe afternoon tea .that sort of thing. find out what he would really like to do. maybe visit an army museum. i assume he was in armed forces at sometime. talk to him......

Thank you all for the very helpful suggestions! I'm thinking perhaps that the solution could be for me to stay for an extra week after my husband leaves? Dad knows how busy and stressful his work life is, so I'm sure if I explained that we're going to stay in a hotel, in order that hubby can feel like he's having a proper break from it all, he would understand. We would still of course see him everyday, and take him out for the odd lunch or dinner. I could then tell him I'm going to stay with him for a week after hubby leaves, so he can have me all to himself!Lol As some of you have said, he may possibly be relieved that he won't have the disruption of us both staying, especially with just one bathroom. And the fact that they have a tendency to rub each other up the wrong way, would mean that I won't have those tensions to contend with! Thanks again for all of your advice and suggestions!

Book B and B or Hotel and problem solved. You all get some free time and will feel better when you do meet up. Good Luck.

Another one thinking your Dad may be relieved you stayed at an hotel! Not nastily at all, just because. (We always stay independently now, much better. Really wished visiting DD/DGD did too!)

My parents alway stayed at a hotel when they visited us. Wasn't the "norm" but they had their space and we had ours. I agree with Aggie. And listen to your husband and think of him. I regret some of the stuff I put him through in order to please my mother (in my situation) life is too short-

Why not do both? If you're coming for three weeks, perhaps stay two weeks in a hotel and one week with Dad. If you prefer, two weeks with Dad and one week in a hotel.

Would this be a good compromise?

I visit my Mum twice a year, she lives in Yorkshire, 300 mile journey, so a full day's drive for me, I live in Devon. I only stay a week as any longer & we're getting on each others nerves. Mum only has one tv & rightly only watches what she wants to watch. Luckily I can spend my time in the Dining Room next door with my crosswords, sudoku or a book.

We try to get out for Lunch most days, Mum pays, I drive. We go to places she wants to visit but can no longer get to as she had to give up driving due to failing eyesight.

I'm sure your Dad will not be offended & may be relieved that you are staying in a Hotel, spend lots of time with him, go out for Lunches, visit places of interest etc, not sure how old your Dad is my Mum is 90 & gets very tired so we often don't go far. I'm sure your Dad will enjoy spending time with you instead of you rushing round cleaning, shopping etc for him.

If your dad does not have WiFi, you could say your DH needs access to keep up with work, so a hotel is better. Why not stay in a hotel while your DH is visiting and then you stay on yourself with dad for a few days but no cleaning. If the cleaner needs to come in more often. Could you organise that and if necessary pay the extra?

I can only say how I feel when my children and their families come from overseas I d be so upset and very very hurt if when they came to visit they stayed somewhere else in fact I d be mortified
My house is still their home it was their home when they grew up and it still is theirs I d expect them to be out and about catching up with friends and relations and places to go and would not expect to be invited or part of any of that but I would want their base to be with me

If your dad employs a cleaner but you still need to clean and tidy from top-to-bottom as well perhaps he needs a new cleaner.

Deep down I bet he doesn't really want you there to stay either
Book the hotel and then tell him.you will spend days with him.but not nights

Ouch, that is a tricky question.

For all its worth - my ageing mum (when still alive) didn't want me and my then BF to stay with her because we weren't married and she didn't want us to sleep in separate rooms either. (My BF was then in his early 50's and I was in my mid 40's).

Mum ideally needed help 24/7 but refused to go into a care home. Anyway, in respect of her religious beliefs, my BF and I stayed in a B&B close by and saw her every day. She eventually accepted she needed to go into a care home.

Needless to say my BF proposed 3 months after her passing on, and we finally got married just under a year too late to stay with her as a married couple.

I endorse other comments re staying an hotel.
Tell your dad that you and OH will be seeing other friends and feel it will be more suitable as you can arrange dinner without having to cook and you can both relax.
Be honest, your father isn't a fool.
Say that you always find yourself tired out after shopping, cooking cleaning and your husband wants you to relax and have no responsibilities so you can enjoy your stay.
Make sure you invite him to a nice dinner or lunch at the hotel and make a fuss of him.
Don't let guilt (for all he's done in the past) colour your decision otherwise you'll feel cheated out of an enjoyable visit.
You have no need to keep paying back the things your parents did for you but your first few sentences emphasising the dutiful daughter side of you, tells me that you feel guilty for not wanting to stay with your DH.
Honesty is the best policy (or as near the truth as you are comfortable with)
Say it and smile.

You never know, maybe dad is thinking the same way you are and doesn't really like the disruption.

Nansnet, just WHY are you cleaning your dad's house? Does he ask you to do so, do you feel it's dirty (you say he hasa cleaner) or is it to 'pay' for your lodging there? Just - WHY?

Book a hotel visit a part of every day.

Tell him that you and your husband will be staying in a hotel this time as you have family things to attend to and you don't want to disrupt your father's routine by coming and going all the time.

This may not be strictly true, but it is a kind way of explaining that you don't want to stay with him.

You might like to add that you and your husband have been very busy this year and need time to relax,

ok, what about a little white lie? Say someone has given you a voucher for a hotel as a gift, but living abroad you haven't had time to use it and it's due to expire so you want to use it for the visit to stop the gifters asking you if you've used it yet.
Say you can use it at the nearest one to him, so you'll be able to see him lots and not get under his feet. You could even bring him to the hotel for morning coffee or a drink at the bar as an outing for him.

When we visit our son & his family in the Middle East, we stay in a hotel & meet up whenever - they have 5 indoor cats + a large dog which trigger my asthma. Plus I enjoy a bit of hotel luxury! Much less tension all round......

I wonder if you can stagger the visit at all? Tell dad that husband needs a good rest, especially around the 'family thing' so hotel for the time around that, some time away together 'so husband can visit... whatever he wants to visit (he's always wanted to see KnottyAsh) and then some time, on your own with dad.

I'm with the majority here in that I suspect your Father would secretly prefer it if you stayed locally and independently but, like yourself, he doesn't want to inflict hurt. We are so understandably precious about the feelings of those we love and rightly so. Sometimes we just get it wrong by not being able to discuss. Good luck with whatever you achieve here.

Yes, I agree with aggie on this one! Research for a nearby nice hotel, perhaps with a spa, tell dad your staying there rather than with him but assure him you will still be visiting all the same.

That way, DH gets to relax, you get to relax, and you all get that precious time with dad; after all you don't know how much longer dad will be around.