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D in law doesn't fit in.

(12 Posts)
kircubbin2000 Sun 02-Jun-19 16:18:25

Last year my 40ish son married a lovely girl from another culture. She says she has no friends here as she has little in common with his friends wives.She won't speak to strangers and at work hasn't met anyone. I introduced her to a couple of activity groups but she won't go unless son or I go too.she is very conscious of being different and when people ask where she is fro she thinks they are racist when they are just being friendly.

Nonnie Sun 02-Jun-19 16:29:43

It must be hard for her so perhaps take it gently? Make sure she is happy and can talk freely with you and the rest of the family and, when she is comfortable with that, perhaps take her shopping or to a music event where words are not so important. I think she needs support to build her confidence. You sound caring so just keep encouraging her would be my advice but don't pressure her.

Florence64 Sun 02-Jun-19 16:35:32

Are there any groups she could go to for women of her culture? I don't think she should isolate herself to this group only, but she might feel more confident if she knows she can speak to people who will understand her in different ways? Perhaps there might be someone who understands her, but who could also guide her and you so that she feels more able to interact with others and you understand her better, as you are obviously very caring.

M0nica Sun 02-Jun-19 16:48:17

If she is married to your DS, have you talked to him about it and has he discussed it with his wife?

Grammaretto Sun 02-Jun-19 17:12:27

She sounds oversensitive to me but I don't know her.
What activities do you go to where people seem racist?
Try something she really likes and can excel at .
I remember when a friend went to live abroad years ago and she was very lonely, isolated and homesick.
In her case she had to come home but I'm sure if she had persevered she'd have met some nice friends eventually.
What about volunteering?

EllanVannin Sun 02-Jun-19 17:42:54

Why does she feel that people are racist just because they ask her where she comes from ? Who's put that in her head ?

kircubbin2000 Sun 02-Jun-19 18:17:19

People here are usually interested in strangers. It's not racist. There are only 2 other families from her country and she seems unwilling to introduce herself to them.She joined a music group and an art class but I think she is maybe happier on her own.Im hoping this new job will fulfil her.

paddyann Sun 02-Jun-19 18:23:50

just give her time,most people aren't racist just nosy.Make sure she knows that,we like to find out about new people in our midst.I hope she finds some folk she can bond with

BlueBelle Sun 02-Jun-19 18:27:46

Look she may be very sensitive and rightly so if you are the only person in a group who is ‘different’ it’s very easy to feel singled out even if there is no intention of that at all We are not all hardened to the world, some people are just more sensitive and shy or self conscious than others
My goodness I ve been there in my own country with my own folks
There have been plenty of threads about shyness or being reserved we dont all find it easy in a group of strangers

I have a very shy teenage granddaughter who is dreading going to an event next week as she ‘won’t know anybody they will all look at her and she ll end up in the toilet crying’ ( her words)
Has your daughter in law been in this country long ? Maybe don’t worry about her joining things for now if she’s starting a new job that will be enough for her to cope with I would think, hopefully it will slot into place as she gets more confident Don’t push her or rush her or worry if she isn’t dashing about with others

kircubbin2000 Sun 02-Jun-19 18:33:05

She lived in London where things were more multicultural.I think she probably is a bit over sensitive and hopefully will settle here.

Cold Sun 02-Jun-19 18:44:36

I think a lot depends on what you mean by "fit in". Are you trying to solve a problem that doesn't exist? has she asked for help in finding friends? It could be she is feeling overwhelmed by being forced to "fit into" someone else's social life.

Perhaps she would prefer to find her own way, perhaps she's an introvert, perhaps she would prefer to find her own interests perhaps she is struggling more than you think with the language (a very common issue in groups where everyone talks at once) and doesn't actually understand.

I married a man from a different country and found some of the behaviour of family and friends a bit off putting. They would say hello but then switch to a language that they knew I didn't speak thereby excluding me. So I went to language lessons - but it was still very hard as people would make no allowances and speak extremely fast/using lots of slang - as though they were trying to catch me (they spoke faster to me than they did to DH). I found it very isolating.

I'm not sure which culture she is from but sometimes people can be a little insensitive. Not everyone wants to spend every social occasion having to justify what they are doing living here. Sometimes people make assumptions about people based on their culture and that can be irritating.

M0nica Sun 02-Jun-19 22:01:34

You do not say what culture she comes from and how different it is form the one she is familiar with. She could be suffering from 'Culture Shock'. Google it. It is a complex condition felt by some people when they move from one culture to another and can last for months, some people cannot cope with it and return to their home culture.

It is quite reasonable not to want to meet other people just because they are from the same culture, they may have absolutely nothing in common with each other apart their origins. Imagine yourself in her position in a foreign country and someone says you should get to know someone just because they are British, it doesn't follow that you have anything in common and that you will not loathe each other on sight.

Your DS is the one to talk to his wife and support her through the transition phase. You need only stay friendly and welcoming.