Feel Misunderstood

BradfordLass for me and for other posters your advice is always honest, pragmatic and kind, you seem like the kind of person who would be good in an emergency!

You can't win and you will make it harder for your son who will resent having to keep the peace between you & when pushed will always back his partner. That's what happens. Remember they have a sexual relationship,
it makes a huge difference. Heaven only knows what she did! And so quickly. Sounds like you disliked her from the start. You should bite your lip & never criticise only because it's self defeating. I really do understand it is hard & hurtful for you but we have to be pragmatic if we want to stay close. Find interesting things to do and tell him about those rather than looking for him to defend you. Poor you, it's not easy You are not alone!

So many hurting parents/GPs here! My heart goes out to you all!

Annemac, I teared up, too, just reading your post. IMO, it was insensitive of DS not to visit you in the hospital till the 3rd week. Bless DIL for coming twice - and w/ the GC! Maybe DS thought this was the same as his coming? But, IMO, it isn't. And I don't care how busy an AC is, they should always be able to find some time for a sick mum.

Twig, you seem to have the opposite problem. I imagine you feel snubbed by DIL, but perhaps she feels it's enough if DS thanks you for gifts, and if he and the GC Skype with you? After all, you and DH get a 10 day visit every year, so it doesn't seem that she dislikes you. Some people couldn't bear being around their ILs for 10 whole days! For the rest, perhaps you need to just enjoy your contact w/ DS and the kids and never mind about DIL?

Tillybelle, I'm so sorry about the way your AC and CIL treat you - and on Christmas of all times! Perhaps you'd be better off spending your holiday w/ other relatives or friends who appreciate you more? Unless there are grands you want to be around, then I could understand your putting up w/ this behavior. If so, maybe it would be better to just focus on enjoying your GC and ignoring your AC's/CIL's conversations? Just a thought...

I agree with Bridgeit. ...Try to live your own life now and not one
Through your son.

If he's happy then be happy for him
and as someone else said "Let it GO"
and create a good life for yourself.

All the best to you.

Difficult to judge here. We hear about daughters being in controlling relationships and gradually being cut off from their families but the boot can be on the other foot and a son's partner can be gradually controlling and alienating.

I am not suggesting anything so serious is happening here but either way, the best thing to do is keep stumm, say nothing that might aggravate the situation. As others say our children are adults and like us, back when we were the same age, we wouldn't have brooked interference from our parents in our private lives, certainly not on where our partners were involved and why should they.

Dear DinaLK. Just to send you many best wishes as you move forward and to congratulate you on getting through this far. It is not always easy posting on a forum for help but I'm glad people understood your unhappiness and feelings of rejection.

I have found that having my life to myself is actually very enjoyable! Being able to do what ever I want - within reason! being flexible so I can alter things if the weather isn't right... I seem to be more busy now than before! My head is always filling up with things to do and I find it hard to keep up! Then of course there are the after lunch naps that, at our age, we are entitled to take!

I hope you find the right help for your other challenges. It certainly surprised me at how many obstacles and unforeseen difficulties I had to negotiate in my old-age. Some could have happened at any time of life but I definitely could have done without them in my later years!

Finding clubs and interests was a good way forward for me. I used to swim and where I went there were classes for older people or people with injuries etc. to stretch and keep supple. I loved going to these and made such wonderful friends. I also sing with a choir and they are half made up of the university students who are gorgeous and the rest are us who somehow have a connection. There's another choir I may gravitate to which meets during the daytime. Going out at night in the Winter does not appeal to me now.

I think your post made a lot of us think. I do hope you find peace of mind and can create a truly lovely and fulfilling life for yourself.

I feel sure many people would join with me in sending you love and best wishes,
from
Elle x

Thank you all for continued support and wonderful advice. To be honest, I'm kinda glad that I didn't post the actual details of some things that were said and how I perceived them. I feel leaving out those details and reading all of your valued replies has helped me to feel a little more relaxed, so-to-speak, about moving forward.

Some of you have hit the target of how I'm feeling: rejected, unwanted, no longer needed. However, I do realize this is something that I, myself, need to figure out how to survive with peace. True, I need to focus more on my life ... not meaning self self self, but simply enjoy my life as it is now. I get that and thank you all for helping me to see that even more so. Now, to just figure out HOW to do this.

I have other challenges to express but I think I would like to start new Titles of Posts to address them. It would be too overwhelming for me to try and keep up with various concerns in one post.

Hi Dina yes this is Gransnet at its best and some great posts. I am on this journey. And it is the most painful one. The way I look at it in the drama of life we have been centre stage and it is now others turn. We must step back into the wings and be as graceful and grateful as we can whilst the main actors are on stage. And they might be really dreadful, be really nervous, be over confident, embarrassingly bad but we must stand there and applaud. That's how I'm dealing with it. I might get called on at the end and be given a bunch of flowers but of course I want to be main billing, but that is no longer in my gift in the way of things. But I might get a character part with the children...

The fact is it is his life. You should step back and let him live his life as he chooses. You have said what you have said and that is that. When you accept it is his life to live as he wants that does not mean YOU are forgotten or suddenly do not exist. My friend has recently lost his son, died suddenly aged 35, so it must be the case that your son/child has made his chosen path. You should concentrate on your life. If the girl is a bad choice or of dubious character your son will see this - one day. Stress always comes when you walk the middle line. When you take a real decision to step back and live your life with positive energy the making of that decision for you immediately lifts any anxiety and concern. He has not been hit by a Bus.. he has made choices.. thats what we all do.

Glad our posts made you feel "encouraged," Dina! Best of luck moving forward! And please keep us posted!

Yes, I read those words in paragraph 4, also:

"...do what's right, be respectful, try to not let my feelings be hurt, try not to take things personal, and just try to enjoy time with them."

And I understand making this adjustment can be hard to do, so "try" may be the most the OP can handle right now.

But she said she's "having difficulty" doing all this and said she felt very "disrespected." And that's what I, for one, was trying to address and, hopefully, ease.

Solonge, excellent comparison!

"At least your Son's still speaking to you, for now"

Missieff"s comment is so important, IMO. As long as DS is speaking to you, the door is open for you to continue the relationship, even if it means overlooking a few things.

I realize that DS' speaking to you does not seem like "enough" (my word), Nwieaa since you don't get to see the GC, I'm so sorry about that. Hugs! And I hope that will change as they get older.

Thank you Tillybelle for liking my advice in my last comment.

All your answers are good and incisive....I can’t add any words because all my married life while my MIL was alive , my husband ALWAYS put her advice and feelings first. He was an out and out mummies boy, and my father in law took me to one side ,after she had blatantly lied about me to my husband, and told me that I will never win an argument with her as long as she dragged my son into it! He was right. So your son siding with his partner is refreshing and totally expected. Bite your tongue...she may not be around long.

In life it is only One Small step from being a Dil to becoming a Mil

So many sad stories - I too feel as though I've lost my son (an only child) . Though he rings regularly, and we meet up occasionally, it's always just him rather than with his family.
My dil is a controlling person and I have no contact with my two young grandchildren which breaks my heart every single day and every sleepless night.

Thank you 3dognight - Wonderful encouragement and good advice.

Your son sounds lovely, we don't know how old he is but he has three children. Not knowing the details I can only read between the lines and assume he has met an assertive partner? Maybe he sees her as assertive and you see her as in control?

We don't know what was said at your heart to heart, but it does sound to me like you need to loosen your ties with him, maybe just a little, let go of what was said when you felt disrespected, move along with your own plans and enjoy seeing your son, grandchildren, smile nicely and do the small talk with the sons partner. Remember if he loves her, he will take her side of there are sides to be taken, not because he doesn't love his mum. He was once your little boy, now he is a father to three children, and his assertive / in control partner may well be just what he needs at this time in his life.

I hope that you can still be a wonderful granny, mother and tolerant and kind to your sons partner should the relationship be permanent.

Wow, I am flabbergasted by all the wisdom and support from every single Reply to my post. I wasn't sure what to expect, particularly since I did not present details.

Thank you ALL so much for sharing your stories. I cherish each one. I feel encouraged.

annemac101. So sorry! It is the same for me with one of my children. We were so close when she was growing up too. When my three and their husbands meet up - usually near Christmas - they are all laughing and having a great time. But in a different room from me. I go to them and they start to wander off...
I used to be so close to them! As teenagers they used to bring their mates to our house and the young ones were all so friendly and polite to me. I never imposed on them. I have never done anything unkind or embarrassing or difficult to them. When I think of how cruel my own mother was, yet I always showed her love and respect and looked after her.... I just don't understand this generation. I think they just do not like old people. I hear a lot of critical and, frankly, judgemental and wrong accusations made against our generation on TV these days.
Poor you! I feel your pain. We need to stick together, These people, your brother, your son, will never understand how hurtful they are. We must just console each other. Ooeyisit said some really helpful things about just accepting them and "going higher". I believe that, with practice, it is possible to do this.
Sending lots of love, Elle x

Ooeyisit. That is such a brilliant answer!! I love what you say and how you say it!
You have listed my "Rules for coping when life sends you an awkward person"
1) Decide to take the higher ground - (let someone know they are hurting you they win)
2) Make yourself not mind and very soon you won’t
3) Some people are born disagreeable and are always right

Your last there sentences are so helpful I'm putting them on my noticeboard - with your permission, please!

tomtom12. I am so sorry for you! Your message is so sad. Could you just go and see your Granddaughter and give her a gift? Just to see her? I would just smile at the others and say "hello" and try not to worry about their bad manners and unkindness. They may not even be aware of what they are doing, because they are so busy talking to each other.
God bless you, please try not to feel upset. You have a granddaughter who would not be here without you! Please try and see her on her birthday if possible. Be brave, you are a good kind person, do not let thoughtless and rough people affect you.

With lots of love, Elle x

As Tillybelle says so many stories all similar. I feel my son and his wife don't know me at all. They never ask what I did,how I enjoyed holidays,what do I do all week,what did I do when we had their children to stay,nothing. It all comes from me or hubby. I ask a question ,they answer in a few words,it's awful. I have spoken to my son about this and he said that's just the way he is, This isn't true he's completely different with friends and other family members.
On saying that he is just like my brother. We could never communicate. He laid scorn on anything that interested me and again never thought of asking anything about my life. It all came from me.
He passed away a few years ago and service was packed full of his friends ( he was single) all speaking about a great guy I felt I had never met. I felt even sadder he never showed his true self to me. The same as I now do with my son.

Twig14
You have hit the button that sums up her personality:
she is totally controlling.
It is quite sinister that she cut her husband's family out of his wedding. It was a huge sign that she is isolating him from friends and family.
It sounds as if she is one of that group of people who control and coerce others.
I walk on eggshells is another red flag for such people.
gifts over to them but she never acknowledges is
another bad sign, that she ignores you because you are his family.

I think you are a wonderful lady, managing to keep going with dignity for the sake of your son and grandsons. I sincerely admire you. I am glad you were given good advice. In case you need a "top up" before your next meeting, I'm sure you know, there are lots of well-written advice papers on the internet, written by Psychologists and suchlike people with experience and knowledge in this field. Did you know it is a crime in the UK for a person to coerce and control another? See "News story
Coercive or controlling behaviour now a crime" (in the UK) ;
www.gov.uk/government/news/coercive-or-controlling-behaviour-now-a-crime
The crime is usually regarded as being inflicted by a man upon a woman. However there are instances of men being victims.
Some common examples of coercive behaviour are:
•Isolating from friends and family
•Depriving of basic needs, such as food
•Monitoring their time
•Monitoring the victim via online communication tools or spyware
•Taking control over aspects of their everyday life, such as where they can go, who they can see, what they can wear and when they can sleep
•Deprivation of access to support services, such as medical services
•Repeatedly putting the victim down, such as saying they’re worthless
•Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising the victim
•Controlling their finances
•Making threats or intimidating the Victim

I think there are more examples which might apply to a woman victimising a man.
I don't know if you are aware of all this but it might be worth acquainting yourself with the extreme end of controlling behaviour so if necessary you can be there to help your son and his sons. I am so distressed by the Wedding. It demonstrates a huge amount of control over your son. One day he may need your help

Wishing you much strength and happiness and praying for better times ahead with your son and his children. Elle x

My husband had a very good relationship with both his parents, but I know, if I’d insisted I didn’t want us to have anything to do with them, he would reluctantly have agreed

I wouldn’t have done that, by the way!

At least your Son's still speaking to you, for now