Opinions please

I just help as required, not always with finances but in other ways too. I have never believed in making an issue of treating children equally, sometimes one had a treat sometimes the other. I had a relative who took things to extremes even down to measuring the amount of liquid in glasses so her children didn't argue. I said I would never go down that road.

We have helped one child more than the others, she works really hard, juggles goodness knows how many balls in the air with her three children and their various commitments, but it’s all been brought about by her bad choices, not once but twice!

We don’t do as much for the other two, our son is fine, our other daughter is a bit sniffy at times, but knows we’d do the same for any of them if necessary.

It’s an awkward situation , because our younger daughter was on the verge of a very good career, after a first rate education, but she threw everything away, and now her life is quite hard, but whatever she’s done, we love her, and try and ease her burden as much as possible

I think my son has also helped her out occasionally, it worries me that she’ll always be dependent on us

In the past, we've helped out both our son and daughter. As long as we can afford it, we'll help them if need be, but we don't then give the other one the same, as you never know if/when they may need help themselves in the future. We can't afford to give out to both of them, when only one needs help, and they understand that. They'll both get an equal share of inheritance when we're gone, regardless of the fact that one may have had more help than the other ... we don't keep tabs on how much. Although, if one of them needed a very large amount, then of course we would take that into account, and make sure that the other had extra.

Help the ones who need it now. You never know the future, the others may fall on hard times; then you can help them too.

The other one is a single parent, has 3 children, works only 16 hours a week and claims benefits

She's doing amazingly well. Life isn't easy, in any sense for solo parents who get such a bad and usually unjust press for claiming benefits.

I had such a struggle even with two boys and wasn't entitled to much benefit as my husband was at home but too sick to work. Not that the authorities cared too hoots about that.

Be careful how you help though because unless things have changed drastically in the UK (and I live in hope), any monetary contributions, even from parents, has to be declared. Then its deducted from benefit.

When I lived in Cornwall I worked in a wholefood-health shop. I was paid no wage but could take bread, lentils, fruit etc. The DHSS made me add up the value - then they took it off my benefit.

My daughter went back to University to train in a different professional sphere.
After a couple of years it became apparent that they were struggling financially, with three children and were talking of selling their house and renting, so I stepped in and paid their mortgage until she graduated.
My Son was aware of this and agreed at the time that it was the right thing for me to do for his Sister.
I think he might have been a little bit miffed though but "swings and roundabouts", five years later he became ill and unable to work, so I did the same for twelve months for him and his family, not just mortgage but more or less everything.
When everything got on an even keel again, he told me how grateful he was and I told him, it was nothing, we are a family and if one of us are floundering the others will step in and do whatever they possibly can.
He said, "I know Mum", with tears in his eyes.
My goodness!
Family!
That is all it is about, at the end of the day.

We have three adult children. We have been blessed to be able to help each one at different times financially. If we provided for the other two evenly during the one who is currently in need, we would go broke. So, we do what we can at the time the need is present. All three fully understand their own situations are different and require a different amount of finances for assistance. No heart-aches from anyone.

We only have one child, so no problem for us. However, my friend has two sons; one is doing well and needs no help, the other has struggled from time to time. If my friend has to help the second son she always gives the first the same amount.

Historically we have ensured our two had the same. So when we helped with a wedding the other one had an equivalent amount. Recently it has been necessary to provide a, for us, considerably amount of financial support to one. It was openly discussed and agreed that it was both necessary and the right thing to do. There is a schedule kept with our copy of our wills intended to show any future repayment and stating clearly what had not been repaid is to be deducted from any future inheritance. We can’t afford to give both the same substantial amount, wish we could. This was the fairest we could be. As with so many family issues it’s individual to the family. The important thing for us was openness and clarity.

Bridgeit we did that too. As children they were never treated the same because their needs were different so I think they grew up understanding. There was no resentment about the one getting more because they all realised he needed it. We are so lucky that we don't have competition between them, they are each supporters of the others.

jane in our case if the others needed something more in the future we would help them more too. Now that they are all settled I think they would help us out too if we needed it. They have all had the help they needed to gain the future they wanted and help with buying their homes. I think it helps that we have always been open about money.

We help out for specific needs - so there is no actual equality per se. Three different families in three quite different situations but all trying their best. When there has been a real problem we have helped. The others will know we are helping without any real specifics (unless they communicate to each other - its their business after all) but there will always be the certain knowledge that if its needed we will help if we can.
I think we are very lucky that despite varying circumstances all three are hardworking, independent minded, understand the value of money, will try their very best to solve their own problems but know if there is a real fix we will help. This has been the situation for over 15 years and there has never been any sense that anyone feels hard done by.

We always give them the same.
You never know what’s round the corner, and the ones who are ok now may not be, in the future.

That’s a brilliant idea Nonnie.
Lynsey I think I would go one step further than Nonnie & tell them all face to face, the one who is struggling will then know not to expect too much later on, hopefully realising how lucky she is to have you help, but knowing that she can’t have it twice so to speak.

We helped one more than the others and put a Letter of Wishes with our wills asking them all to take it into account when we die. This works for us as we are a very close family but for many others it would cause conflict.