Opinions please

Lynker

Maybe in an ideal world it would be great to hand out large sums of money to all your children, but for some people, it would put them into financial hardship themselves, you never know what’s coming, maybe in a few years another child will need help, and you’ll be handing out cheques all around again

We have given when we’ve been able to ... one financially, another with time and the third still lives at home while completing her Masters but has a chronic illness and needs much support at times. That support has often been from her older brother and sister and their families now we their parents are getting older. I also feel that inheritance should be a bonus not an expectation or right!

I remember years ago, when my sister's marriage broke up and she was struggling to bring up two children, our mother gave her the money to buy herself a new coat. She then felt obliged to offer me the same. I refused as I did not need the money, we argued a bit but when I told her I would just give it to my sister she had to accept that.
We have helped our own ACs as and when they needed it. We paid for their wedding breakfasts, although the actual costs were different, they each had what they wanted.They will inherit equally when we go.

Thank you all for your comments.
It seems that opinions are divided. My situation is slightly complicated, in that we have 2 children each. It is one of my husband's that is struggling. He wants to give them a lump sum, but doesn't want to give an equal amount of money to his other AC and he wants to keep it secret. I just know there will be huge upset if it ever comes out......and then there are my children who are both working hard to make ends meet.
I think we should give them all an equal amount....it seems unfair to penalise those who work hard and manage. It will just be less to divide 4 ways later.

Forgot to say in my will they will all be treated the same

Sodapop and Sara I am the same with children and gc, they get help when and as needed. Sometimes it big things like driving lessons others is just buying the travel insurance for a holiday for one of them. They all know they are much love however much or little they get.

I would say no you don't. Help which ever one is struggling, not with vast amounts of money but with smaller amounts here and there. You never know fortunes could reverse and the others may need help one of these days. My daughters understand my feelings and they frequently help each other financially, again not with vast amounts but with day to day living.

We will leave our DC the same in our will but have always tried to help them out as needed. When they were very young and we had the inevitable 'it's not fair' we always said life wasn't fair and they would never be treated exactly the same as they weren't identical. I think they accept that they have all received help from us, monetary and otherwise, when they needed it, but we've never tried to give all the same (we couldn't afford it anyway).

Were the adult children all given the same opportunities? Did you provide as equally as possible for them when they were under your care?
I would not give the “struggling” adult special treatment. I would offer to help them help themselves. But no freebies or handouts.
Everyone is wired differently. Some people don’t have drive and are just fine with barely squeaking by. It is unfortunate when these people have children.
But you can give and give and give but all they will do is take and take and take.
It will never be enough, and you will cripple them for the future. Don’t let them become dependent or even reliant on you. And once you pass your other children will have to pick up where you left off. Don’t put that burden on them.
Adults must stand on their own two feet.

I agree cheeky . Some people manage their finances proudly. Others just keep making the same mistakes...

Most of my 5 have needed a bit of help from time to time. They not only received what we could spare, but they have also chipped in with help for each other, as required. No-one keeps tabs, knowing that ‘what goes around, comes around. I am very proud of them all.

I always think what you do for one you should do for the others. I was one of three children and my father always favoured my younger sister. Over the years he has bailed her out with money on numerous occasions somewhere to the tune of at least 20000 thousand pounds. This caused extreme resentment with me and my brother who were struggling with high interest mortgages and young family. However my dad's attitude which I could never understand was well you have a husband and my brother a wife. To this day this whole issue had caused a rift in the family. So whatever you do try not to fall out over money matters.

I don’t agree with treating AC differently. As parents, we don’t necessarily know our children’s financial position. The flashy car and big house might be on credit, and the family who maybe walk everywhere and live in a small property could well have plenty of cash in the bank.

We have four children and have helped them all out one way or another, at different times and in different ways when the need has arisen. The other three mostly don't know what each one has had, but why should they - this is not to say there is anything secret it's just not come up.

I would just say do what you think needs doing - another thing, whatever you do and however they differ in wealth, give them equal shares in your will.

Agree with all the 'give as needed comments". Much depends on your own financial situation at the time of the need arising. I completely agree with ReadyMeals. I was so proud of the AC who instructed us to do what we could to help their sibling AC to get on to the property ladder. You can't put a price on everything and treating them the same isn't necessarily fair IMO. I guess we're lucky to be a close family not troubled by sibling rivalry. We are thankful for that.

I've had to help one child more than the other, and what I did is explained it to the self-sufficient one to check her reaction. Had she shown any sign of being upset at the unfairness I'd have had to reconsider, but she thought it made sense.

A friend of ours has two daughters. One is well off and secure. The other has four children and always struggles. She has given her a lot of financial support but has rewritten her will to make it clear that the daughter has already received a lot of her share.
Our son is married and well off, our daughter is single and works for a charity. We give her much bigger presents at birthdays and have bought her a car. We have discussed this with our son and DiL and they are quite comfortable with the situation. They also know that our daughter will be left more with it eventually going to their children.

I agree with the "give as needed" mindset. IMO, it's ok to give the others the same amount - if you (general) can afford it - but as PPs have said, what if they really need it later? If they don't, towards the end of life, you can always "make it up" to them or in your will. Personally, if I felt a need to make it up, I would do it while still living, if I could, and let my will divide the rest equally, but that's just me. IMO, so much depends on what parents can afford and still stay solvent themselves. AC need to realize this and not act like babies.

But if two AC find themselves in need and the parents only want to help one, IMO, that's totally lopsided. Fizzers, what you describe sounds very unfair. I am so sorry! I'm not clear, however, on whether your mother just complained while helping you or refused to help you at all. If she still gave you the money, despite her gripes, maybe she did the same with your sister and nieces? Helped them out but complained while doing it?

I wonder if your place in the family has any bearing on your level of dependency, sometimes I think my youngest daughter behaves like she’s never grown up, it’s not just about money, it’s about everything, she still thinks she’s the baby sister and the little girl

I have two adult daughters and treat them the same as much as I am able, albeit their circumstances are different. If, hypothetically, one had children and lived on benefits, I wouldn't 'reward' her for that choice by helping out more financially, neither would I 'punish' the other, who may have done well in her career, by not helping out as much. What message does that send out! I do help them out in different ways, as and when needed e.g. pet sitting, but financially they are both treated the same, as are their partners and all grandchildren.

When I look back at what we did from the age of 11 onwards it was different for each one and I couldn't go back and calculate it all. Perhaps that is why none of them mind now. One of them keeps telling us to go and spend it all now while we can still enjoy it so I don't feel there is any issue at all

We gave DS money for a deposit on a property when he lived in the south but did not give DD the same amount.
When DD went to live abroad we paid off her mortgage here so that she could keep the property, we did not give DS the same amout as we had already agreed that we would be paying school fees for GC.
DD has told me that she does not mind the GC getting money spent on them as it was her choice not to have children.

I always felt resentment when I was younger, I struggled finacially to raise my daughter single handed, I worked a full time job with no help from anyone, my sister on the otherhand went to my mother all of the time to bail her out of whatever difficulties she had gotten herself into - and believe me there were plenty! If I ever went to my mother in dire need I was made to feel guilty about it and I got the 'well you're in full time work, you shouldn't be struggling' whatever my sister wanted, she got, this also spread to my nieces, they used to go to my mother to bail them out too, used to make my blood boil!

Sodapop

We never treated them the same either, and we don’t necessarily treat our grandchildren the same.

Christmas I would always try and have roughly the same amount of presents, but the value varied year to year, depending on who wanted what.

We are like Nansnet, we give as needed. We have two children, we paid for two weddings and two house deposits. When our son was very ill we supported him but I did not give our daughter the same amount. We talked about it and she understood. She knows we are there if she needs us but I don’t add it all up or make provision in our wills.