Don't like elderly mother living with me

Imm6 you sound a lovely daughter. Haven’t had Mam live with me but did loads for her while poorly and having to place her in a care home. Sadly she died three years ago. I can relate to the not being loved or liked oh yes indeed and having counselling for that right now.

wow.. still waiting for more details on this family situation.

Me? I was in my early 30`s, recently married for the second time, 2 year old son from first marriage, then got pregnant with baby with this marriage, deliberately!

mum had heart issues, told "new" husband, marry me, my mother comes too... he was good, he was able.. mum lived with us for about 5 years, before she died. not easy two women sharing a home.. but we managed..

told my two boys, do NOT have me living with you when I get old.. now I am old and often "dream" of living with or very near, Granny flat, ideal, but know it won`t happen, don`t really want it to... never recommend,,

strange I was thinking during last night, how back in the day, families did live together, more than one generation,, wonder how they managed... seems we have lost something...

aggie, You start by saying ‘cut her some slack’ and finish by saying that you couldn’t live any nearer to your daughter. You are lucky to have the grannie flat option it’s tge perfect solution. My mum lived with us for 16 years until she died aged 84. She had her own sitting room as we had a bedroom we could make into a cosy space. She was a kind, lovely person, however there were times when I had a feeling rise within me that ‘there is always someone else in our house’ and it made me feel resentful. After she died I felt guilt for those feelings so lmm6, you are not alone in how you feel. I hope you can find ways round it soon. ?

Sympathise. Having experienced living at close quarters with an elderly relative, I would suggest only do it if each household had their own front door. Own space is vital, for me.

Yes you are being unreasonable..you invited her into your home and now shes there you're resenting it.
You should have really thought this through as I guess she was unable to stay in her own home.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you created this situation.
She had probably improved due to being in a home and having people around. What you could see is if there is any suitable placrd nearby where she could move to as it sounds as though she needs company.
Look for lunch clubs, other day clubs that she could go to

Two people I know found themselves in a similar situation. Both time (and we have no idea of the circumstances of this case here) - they persuaded mum to sell their home, and join finances to buy a much bigger place they would share. Mum sold up and got rid of precious posessions and moved in the new home (one abroad, where she knew no-one, in the sticks and not speaking the language at all) - and it turned sour after a few weeks. No way for the mum to go back to her own home as it had been sold and all the money ploughed in to the new place- it was a desperate situation for all- but I sided with the mum, as she had been encouraged, arm bent very hard behind back + emotional blackmail, to sell up and move. I was VERY close to my parents, we moved nearby to be there, but not way would have I moved them in.

Hi yes I was in your exact position. After my husband died my mother had another of her ‘deaths door’ syndromes and moved in with me (where she lived until her death 13 years later). Like you we had never been close, the apple of her eye (son) wanted nothing to do with her most if the time. Following s breakage of hip & shoulder she couldn’t manage the stairs at my house - what to do? I sold up and bought a bungalow (I hate bungalow living). Like you there were constant interruptions when I was working, she kicked up at day care and when she had to go into respite if I had to be away. Anyway she passed away peacefully at home 12 months after the move (after receiving 24:7 care from me as there was no help available). After she passed her papers revealed that my thoughts about her not liking me were well founded. Thank heavens I had a career to sustain me. It was a costly, time consuming experience and has really coloured my views of my mother. Having people tell me that no-one could have been better cared for doesn’t help. If I sound selfish or resentful I’m not just very very sad that do much time and energy was expended in someone who to the end still idolised the son who ignored her. Given my time over again I would not have done it. I do hope your experience gets better. Others please don’t comment on this just take it as an honest appraisal of a situation more and more of us find ourselves in.

My Mum & I couldn't share a home, a week long visit is enough for both of us, Mum is 90 & independent, I'm 63, widowed 6 years ago & love my "single" life.

My DD & I have already agreed we could not share a home.

As a teenager my Granddad came to live with us, he loved gardening & helped out around the house, maybe it's different with a male relative. I would hate to be the cause of resentment in my family

So empathise with you as this would be me if we ever had to take my mum in. Lucky ladies who have had loving close relationships with their Mums will find this all hard to understand. Mostly, our Mums set the tone of how our relationships will be, and it is so different if you end up doing things out of love, than out of duty. I went away with my Mum for 5 weeks on holidays she wanted to do after Dad died. I went away determined to bond, become close etc I eventually just accepted that it can never be, as she has so many narcisstic tendencies, so I don’t actually exist as a person in my own right ! Just a daughter who must obey her mother ..... I flatly refuse, so I see her weekly out of duty and that’s the only way that I can cope with it.

I guess what is done, is done. She is with you so the best way to deal with it is to manage the situation. She sounds as if she needs to find her own space as well - maybe Age Concern can help - and boundaries need setting up.

I’m with absent and Maw on this one I’d give anything to have my mum back, she grated on me and I was closer to my dad than my mum but would still love to have her here with me.

If you mother has carers coming I presume she is paying for them. What she does appear to need is a carer who can take her out. So get a review of her needs and switch to a different kind of care. Also I think she should move into supported living as someone else has suggested. Though you might like to move house to one that has room for her to have her own bed sit/granny flat. You cannot share space and hope to have a life of your own.

Wondering, did your mother sell her home to move in with you?

How I agree with Absent, having cared for my mother for several years at the same time as caring for my late husband, both in wheel chairs and paralysed, mother blind. So very much 24/7 but I would not have changed one minute and would love to be caring for them both again. Caring should be a privilege and done from love, everyone has a choice.
Your statement "she does not really need Carers" puzzles me, you don't usually have Carers unless you really have the needs and qualify.
Can your mother afford to pay for Care in which case she could have a companion living with her, if the match it good it works really well.
Your poor mother must feel you resent her being there, it is not doing either of you any good if that is really the case. She deserves some respect and dignity in her later life in my view.
Please do not do anything you will not be able to live with once she has died.

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. it sounds like she is trying to become close. I don't know. It is very tough to be in your situation. But she's your mother. Mine died last year and even though she didn't completely know me and family due to Alzheimer's, I miss her. Don't do somehing to regret this tome with her and her time on earth.

I do not think we can judge the OP on the basis of our own relationships with our mothers. Some have been lucky enough to have a good relationship - others have been less fortunate. In the latter case, living cheek by jowl is bound to be very difficult; and maybe OP needs to rethink the whole situation, as this is not working out well for either party.

Very hard once the deed is done; but a salutary warning to others who might be thinking to do the same thing.

Sometimes it is easier to get on with a relative if they live nearby and have other sources of support, so that when you visit you can find things to enjoy rather than feeling overburdened.

I do sympathise about prattling on. The old lady obviously doesn't understand how boring she can be. Some young people are terrible prattlers too.

Would she notice if you wore ear plugs? All you would have to do then is smile and nod in a friendly manner from time to time.

Imagine how it must feel to be her.
I hope that I am never in a position to have to live with my children.
I had my grandmother living with me after my parents both died. I was 28. Granny was 80. I was married with two small children. She lived with me until she was 92 and I was 40. Then the struggle of coping with family life, two young teenagers, being a partner in three businesses and looking after Granny led me to a bit of a breakdown. Granny had to go and live with her daughter in Ireland. She had done nothing wrong. I could and should have been more patient with her and with everyone. She lived until she was a hundred and three quarters. I live with the guilt of not being good enough to cope .

I managed a residential home some years ago, this happened on a fairly regular basis, older people went to live with family, this on nearly all cases was to save money mostly it did not work, greed for money knows no bounds, some worked very well remember one family who had some learning difficulties they were so caring for older mother, they lived very happily together even though the social worker felt it was not a good placement

I have always said, I will not live with any of my children (not that anyone has asked me) . I have a daughter and 2 sons. I am very independent and when the time comes that I cannot manage the stairs, I will have a stair lift installed here. I wouldnt want to give my children a reason to resent my presence or even my existence. Ofcourse, there are the 'perfect' children, who will sacrifice their entire lives for their parents. I have a lovely young lady living near me, about 50 years old, who has never married because she feels she has to look after her sick mother. What's her life going to be like, once her mother passes away?

I'm the same, CrazyH. I chose my present house twenty years ago partly because it had downstairs facilities for when I became old which I am now.

I do think a granny annex is ideal when the granny is very dependent but only if the family's door is locked and the granny expects to visit by invitation only.

Alexa, I have a downstairs toilet, but not a shower. I could possibly squeeze in a shower cubicle in the garage, but the cheaper option would be a stairlift, I think .

crazyH I am sure you are right about the stair lift most especially if your staircase is straight or only bends once. second hand stair lifts are a good buy as first owners have been old and have died before the lift got much use.

Even with my downstairs wetroom I though nice to retain my upstairs space as well and I had a lift man come out to look at my stairs. My house is an odd design and the stairs have two half landings plus a bend so would need a quite expensive stair lift system.

If the parent was abusive ( mine were) it sparks up a complex and painful set of emotions when the tables are turned. The once powerful perpetrator is now weakened and needy.

Sadly Maw, some people didn't have " unequivocal" care, it was at best dependent on certain behaviours from a small child and at worst very wrong.

It's not easy for sure. We feel compassion but other things along side that too.

Looking after your 94 year old mother ( not much longer to go then) for 4 months irritates you.... try looking after someone you don’t even like ,for the past 23 YEARS .I was about to leave my husband and he knew it , the day my son went to university at 18..... my kids said the move was long overdue!! Two months before my son was due to go to uni , my husband had ‘his’ stroke.... it was mild but it meant he lost his job ( due to safety issues)... when he realised his job/ hobby had gone the way of the dodo he decided not to recover and never to work again. So for 23 years he’s sat in an armchair watching tv 16 hours a day. I had to go full time in a heavy job... I have three prolapsed discs in my lower back, sciatica down my left leg (semi permanent) .... I have an ulcer ( stress related).... AND I’ve had two strokes myself in this time frame... which i managed to take just 6 weeks and 3 weeks from work respectively. All this went unacknowledged from this ‘man’ I live with. His doctors say he’s outlived all their expectations. I smile ruefully!! Feeling bitter and resentful over your mother..... i’ll swap places all day long. I wish to heck I couldve looked after my 92 year old mum before she died for longer than I did (2 months). I found it a privelage.