Don't like elderly mother living with me

It sounds a horrible set up, I absolutely couldn’t stand it, but I’ve always known I wouldn’t be able to do it.

Like others, I don’t understand how you came to be in this situation, if she’s doing so much better, couldn’t she go back to her own home, with the help of the carers?

I really feel for you, but you must have invited her to live with you at some point

Saggi - I feel so sorry for your situation, I hope your husband finds comfort in his Christian faith.

Saggi, desperate situation for you but " Mum" is not always some sort of saint to be respected and loved. It is very hard when you have been on the receiving end of abuse from your primary carer.

Annie, I think you have referred to family discord and estrangement, so I don't see why you can't understand this may extend to elders too.

This forum is so useful for sounding out ideas. A pity perhaps OP didn't ask on here first. I'm sure if it had been around then we'd have been saved some terrible mistakes.
Mind you we don't know how we will react when the time comes. We are sensible and rational until faced with the reality.
I thought I was a grown-up when DM lived with us and it was a granny flat.
An aunt who had her DM living with her until she died just asked me if I was quite sure...with a frown.

At first, the honeymoon period, it was fine. She was self contained and although had moved 500 miles was young enough to make new friends and have new interests.

But we were both aware of eachother's movements. If I had visitors, she'd be hurt that I didn't include her. She would tell me to reprimand the children.
Yes she could be helpful, loving and good company but it became increasingly hard for me. I resented her all the time and regressed too. She treated me like a naughty child and i behaved like one. I learned a lot about myself.
When we mutually decided we would breakup the intolerable setup and DH and the DC were suffering, we bought out her share of the house and we resumed our good relationship!
We even went on holiday with her and she came to stay. She lived for another 25yrs! Those 3 years were just another episode in the life story.

We are all different . Some like their own company, some want to be with others all of the time. In addition we none of us know what any situation will be like until we are in it. I'm sure you thought that things would be ok but the reality is completely different. You don't say how big your house is, whether your mother could have more space, neither do you say what your DH makes of it all . Is he home all day or is he still working? Do you have interests that have been neglected since mother moved in? I can understand that you want/need some privacy and the chance to have a different life to the one you have. I suggest that you look into mother going to some sort of club/day care so that she gets out a bit more. Can she visit any friends or relatives for a few days every now and then?
I never had this situation as both my parents died when quite young . I do however understand that you can't carry on like this as you will end up resentful and unhappy. I don't think you are being horrible by the way, far from it, you are just in a situation that you couldn't imagine being in.

absent I understand what you are saying, but some people are easier to get on with, and less controlling, than others. It sounds like you had a good relationship with your Mum - one that could withstand certain irritations - but, sadly, not everyone is as fortunate.

anniebach I seem to recall that you have spoken of various estrangements in your family so I wonder why you feel it helpful to address the OP's obvious unhappiness and feelings of guilt with an account of your own family's admirable self-sacrifice.

Saggi I appreciate that you are, perhaps understandably, very resentful about the years you have spent with a husband you appear to despise. Why, though, do you feel it necessary imply criticism of the OP' feelings, on the grounds that her situation is, in your opinion, far easier than the one you find yourself in?

I live with my daughter and grandchildren but she works full time and I go out and about getting shopping/doing the school run/volunteering so we are not in each other's pockets all the time. She also goes away once a month with her job so we have a complete break from each other as I stay home with the grandchildren. I think that is the secret - you need a break - are there any groups your Mum could go to? Some do free transport (by volunteers) so you wouldn't necessarily be committing to driving her back and forth. Do you have a befriending scheme locally? If so perhaps you could join and get a regular visitor to come in so your Mum can enjoy a chat with them. Having a regular break apart would help - have you looked at any respite schemes in your area? If there is nothing available locally could you start up a coffee morning or book reading club for your Mum and invite some similarly aged neighbours to come along (apart from providing a room, cake and coffee/tea you could then leave them to enjoy their morning and have a few hours to yourself.. Lots of practical steps you can take to free up some time for yourself - have a think about that.

Kwest, I hope that after reading this thread, you realize that it wasn't about "not being good enough to cope." It's hard on many AC (adult children). And sometimes, it just doesn't work out for either party.

Saggi, what a sad situation. My heart goes out to you! Could you not arrange for DH to be in a care home, so you can live independently?

lmm6, as you can see, there are a lot of questions here. I hope you are reading all and will come back in to answer us.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, especially since you have never had a close relationship w/ your mum. iDK if you're looking for advice, but if so, I agree w/ those who suggest a senior day care center or a carer who will take her out, etc. Maybe one of the carers could take her back and forth to the center?

Also, I agree w/ the idea of moving your computer to the bedroom. That way, Mum won't join you every time you use it.

Perhaps establish some specific times you do spend together? To watch a favorite show on the telly or whatever? Then maybe she'll respect the time you need for yourself. IOWs, maybe it's time to establish some boundaries.

I don't understand why she has two carers if you say she "doesn't need" them. I suspect you're not really facing what her needs are or don't really know. Personally, in your situation, I think I would relish the time she spends w/ the carers, as that means that's less time she's irritating you.

If she has "perked up" since leaving the nursing home, either that's b/c of the natural course of her condition or living w/ you is really helping her psychologically. If it's the second, then you've done something good. But you still need time for yourself and to be able to call your life your own. I hope you can work that out. Keep us posted! Hugs!

OP hasn't said what her husband thinks of the situation. It must be very difficult for him. What does he want? It's his home too.

Maw, that was funny (frozen leg of lamb) ?

I would just set some boundaries around times you need to yourselves. Then maybe as suggested some day care activities for her.

frozen leg of lamb, anybody so funny Maw.

How on earth did you get into this situation? You had your mum tucked up in a home and then took her to be with you when you didn't want to!!! Most of us are unfortunately too old when we come to this point of parent caring, usually combined with GC care. Are you stuck with this arrangement now you seem to be wanting her to fall ill so you can legitimise changing the situation. Have you talked to her at all about the arrangement?

OP said she was in a Nursing Home.

Join the Carers UK forum. If a parent can no longer manage at home with carers, it's time for them to move to a care home or nursing home, then you can take them out, give them treats, and hand over the responsibility at the end of the day. Someone if this age is inevitably only going to get worse and worse until they die. Can I ask where mum was living before she moved in with you? Her own, or rented property?

Saggi I can see why you reacted like you did on the “Widowhood” thread
Not entirely seriously I am amazed he has survived so long too (, mutters “frozen leg of lamb, anybody” )
You have a very understandable point.

Relieved to see that it’s not OP that started the euthanasia thread...
Seriously, I have sympathy OP, I don’t know what I will do if mum passes before dad as he is helpless but the thought of having him move in is scary.

Saggi , I wish you could see your way to one, jolt or nag your husband into at least doing the housework. If I were in your house I'd do it for you.Has he no shame?And two, get yourself an easier job or retire.

This could be the perfect opportunity to develop a proper relationship with your mother.
It’s never too late.

I find this difficult to understand, when my mother was ill in hospital it was agreed she came to live with me when she was discharged, sadly she died in hospital.

I was born and lived some years in a three generation household.

My three sisters,if /when they cannot live alone will live with their children. If my elder daughter had lived I would
have lived with her.

One of my sisters nursed her mother in law who had cancer,
then cared for her mother in law’s sister when she had a stroke.

For us it’s what families do.

To those who say why invite her into your home if you're going to feel like that How do you know how you're going to feel prior to doing it.

Looking after your 94 year old mother ( not much longer to go then) for 4 months irritates you.... try looking after someone you don’t even like ,for the past 23 YEARS .I was about to leave my husband and he knew it , the day my son went to university at 18..... my kids said the move was long overdue!! Two months before my son was due to go to uni , my husband had ‘his’ stroke.... it was mild but it meant he lost his job ( due to safety issues)... when he realised his job/ hobby had gone the way of the dodo he decided not to recover and never to work again. So for 23 years he’s sat in an armchair watching tv 16 hours a day. I had to go full time in a heavy job... I have three prolapsed discs in my lower back, sciatica down my left leg (semi permanent) .... I have an ulcer ( stress related).... AND I’ve had two strokes myself in this time frame... which i managed to take just 6 weeks and 3 weeks from work respectively. All this went unacknowledged from this ‘man’ I live with. His doctors say he’s outlived all their expectations. I smile ruefully!! Feeling bitter and resentful over your mother..... i’ll swap places all day long. I wish to heck I couldve looked after my 92 year old mum before she died for longer than I did (2 months). I found it a privelage.

If the parent was abusive ( mine were) it sparks up a complex and painful set of emotions when the tables are turned. The once powerful perpetrator is now weakened and needy.

Sadly Maw, some people didn't have " unequivocal" care, it was at best dependent on certain behaviours from a small child and at worst very wrong.

It's not easy for sure. We feel compassion but other things along side that too.

crazyH I am sure you are right about the stair lift most especially if your staircase is straight or only bends once. second hand stair lifts are a good buy as first owners have been old and have died before the lift got much use.

Even with my downstairs wetroom I though nice to retain my upstairs space as well and I had a lift man come out to look at my stairs. My house is an odd design and the stairs have two half landings plus a bend so would need a quite expensive stair lift system.