Alone time with grandparents.

I have two grandchildren that live very close by with my son and daughter in law who have been wonderful in sharing their children with us and with my daughter in laws parents. We have the eldest boy every Thursday, it suited them and us...he is three years old and we have had him from 6 months. He loves coming to spend the day, we take him into town and feed the ducks, visit the playground, park and library....we have lunch out and often he has supper here. We have a fabulous relationship with him, same as I had with my grandma...who I stayed with most weekends. We have started having the youngest child who is 6 months. I don't understand your reluctance to let your parents have time with the grandchildren. Did you spend time with your grandparents? its not a case of needing or not needing help...its a case of having a relationship. Your children will go to school even if they don't go to nursery and will be unprepared to be away from you if you don't let them go and be with other people without your presence. When you are a granny, how would you feel if your children didn't allow you one to one time?

BlueBelle I was actually hoping that nursery would ease me into “letting him go” for the next year.
Then school will be full time so that will further ease my anxiety. School age is always when I’d imagined being comfortable with sending him off for the day, not just to someone’s house (because I am happy to do that now) but for day trips.
I enjoyed time with my grandparents but the days out only really started from about 6 maybe 5 at the youngest. And I cherish those memories, and have a lovely bond with both sets of grandparents. I saw both sets regularly before this but it was always with my parents around and our bond wasn’t effected by the early years being “supervised”

Thank you to everyone for their views, it’s obviously a divided topic. Thank you to those who disagree with me for giving me another perspective to think about. Thank you you to those who have told me to do these things in my own time.
I am willing to give them time alone if that’s what they want, it won’t be fixed conditions but more often than they get at the moment.

Sorry I haven’t replied to everyone but I have read everything and took a lot in.

I’m not sure why some GPs want / demand “alone” time with a young GC, ok if the parent asks it as a favour - but it must be because they want to play “mummy” all over again - what’s wrong with seeing them with their parents? If a parent doesn’t want to leave their child unnecessarily then that’s up to them.

Annsixty I kno,w not all DGPs are sensible, but they already do childcare for the 3 year old.

Tillybelle

I agree 100%. We very rarely stayed alone with our GPs given the distances that were involved. But of course we knew them and had a bond with them.

Isn’t this sad?
I take the point that not all GP’s are capable of looking after a child. Only the OP can judge her parents.
I had a wonderful relationship with my paternal grandparents and stayed with them a lot until we moved abroad when I was 5. I think that is why I loved them so much even though I only saw them every 3 years after that.
I stayed with them when at college.
We get such a lot from our GS and, I feel, he gets a lot from us. The relationship between the child and parents is different to the one they have with grandparents. Of course the parental bond is the most important but why wouldn’t you want the child to have both.
I know the OP sees her parents with her child but the dynamics are different even if they all get on really well.
Just sad that this is an issue. We have so many issues these days.

Why is it any of their business whether or not Mum lets anyone baby-sit?

Her parenting is not up for discussion. Refusing to leave your child alone with someone does not constitute abuse; therefore, there is not need to report it. They do not have a right to criticize how she cares for her son.

BlueBelle. It's not about "letting him out her sight". Just because you cared for a child under two who would actually have been easier, does not mean that this mother is "clinging" to her child!
She gave us reasons:
It's I just don’t see the need to drop him off just for the sake of it
and
I really don’t want to live on someone else’s schedule

The Grandparents and the rest of the family should mind their own business. This is a mother who knows what is best for her son, for herself, her family and their weekly schedule. She is being bullied into an unnecessary arrangement just to please Granny. He is only just 3. There is plenty of time for Playgroup/Nursery etc before starting school.

kookim. Suspicious? Not necessarily. But do you not think the GP's constant going on at their daughter to leave her only just 3yr old with them when she has no reason to do so and it is rather inconvenient for her, very odd?

Surely having once been told there is no need for him to stay on his own, that she does not want him to and it's inconvenient; then any normal, well-intentioned and loving parent and grand parent would stop pestering?

I think they are being unreasonable. Also to get the rest of the family "on their side" too, is unkind and unfair.

I am sure the OP would not want to, but in her place I would give them a miss for a couple of weeks and go out doing other things instead of calling on them. They just seem to upset her and not respect her or have her best interests at heart.

To drive a young mum to have to ask help from a public forum because her family are all ganging up on her to
make her leave her 3 year old with them once a week when she does not want to, shows the strength of their attitude towards her and just how alone and desperate she feels.

I am suspecting that she is being bullied. Nobody should be coerced to leave their child with someone in this way against their will. It's outrageous. That her mother is doing it makes it worse. How heartless!

When my granddaughter was 14 months old her parents asked me to have her whilst they went on a belated honeymoon in Cuba we didn’t know each other that well as I live in a different country but my daughter totally trusted me, after all I d brought her up successfully, we had a wonderful time and cemented our relationship for ever I only see her a couple of times a year but at 19 we are still good friends
Oh for goodness sake Agnurse what a daft thing to say I m sure they just feel that the daughter is being unnecessarily clingy and are thinking for both them and the child it would be a good situation
How will you manage when he goes to school do you really think you anxiety will subside in the next year Frenchfrog without practicing letting him out of your sight with familiar people

I don't think there's anything strange about their request frenchfrogz.

I agree that making it a regular weekly event would not be a good idea but a more casual approach perhaps at your behest rather than their request would be OK.

At 3 years old and having his GP's babysit anyway there's no reason to believe that he wouldn't feel safe and secure with them.

Hello agnurse I'm trying not to form an opinion but when you said you see their request for the child without his mother and the fact that they keep repeating the request as a red flag, well, I must say that my gut feelings are not really good about this. These Gparents or the granny at least, are very undermining of their daughter. No wonder she had anxiety!
I'd keep away for a while if I were her. Play it cool. The minute the pestering about the visits starts... say "I have made my arrangements for my son in that regard clear. There is no more to say." If they persist then pack up and leave.

frenchfrogz.
He's your child! You decide!

I am a granny. I would never think of saying I want "unsupervised" time with my grandchildren!

I have looked after them from time to time to help my children out but only ever on my children's terms and have followed everything my children tell me to do. I strongly believe this is important. Not because I can't look after children without being told what to do - I'm well qualified to look after them in fact. But it is very important that my children know that I respect them as parents.

It is important to me that my children know I see them as the parents of the grandchildren and I know they know what is best for them. Because they are my children they might still have this residual feeling of doing what I tell them, so I try to make sure they know that, where their children are concerned, I take orders from them - they are the Boss!

You know what is best for your child. If you do not want or need a regular arrangement for your son to see his Grand Ps with or without you, then don't feel under pressure to arrange one! Do not do anything regarding your children that you do not want to do. Do not do things with the children just to please your parents!

You might be your mother's child but you are grown up now and you're in charge! Don't worry about the anxiety! You coped with it! Well done! Loads of us get it. Don't let anyone tell you that they must help you because of it! You will ask them to look after the child/ren if and when you want to, for whatever reason you want. Tell them that.

Practise what you are going to say as your answers, in front of the mirror if necessary, so you get used to this firm voice of yours telling your mother "Thank you, I will let you know when I'd like you to baby-st / have my son with you." or "when we shall visit you." and "There is no need for him to stay with you without me, I am not too busy." or say whatever you need to say.

Just out of interest, when my second baby was born, I didn't want my first, who was 3, to be taken away and "looked after" as everyone kept thinking I did. It annoyed me that so many people kept turning up and saying "I'll take little G back with me to give you some peace." or my SiL saying "I'm taking little G to the Park to get her off your hands." It absolutely annoyed me! My dear little girl was not "On my hands" and she did not stop me having "peace". I enjoyed her company, more than I enjoyed theirs! I wanted her there, with me and our new baby!

So do not be bullied into letting DS1 go away to be looked after when the baby arrives. If you do not want him to go away, say firmly that he is staying with you. My first child was a real help with the baby and absolutely loved her baby sister!

I hope I've helped. Please only do what you want. Do what is right fo your family, your children. It doesn't matter what others do or say or what your mother wants. You are the mother of your children. You organise life in your home (with their father obviously!) Everyone else (your mother) has to start recognising this and stop speaking to you as if you are a child.
You put it so well: "I really don’t want to live on someone else’s schedule." Just tell them that - preferably saying "*I will not live on* ...." and say it's not negotiable. Your son is not an object of amusement for his Granny, he lives his own life.

As for sending him away for a once a week "unsupervised" visit just to please the granny! That is rubbish!
Rather than saying; "^I just don’t see the need^ to drop him off just for the sake of it". Say "*I shall not* drop him off just for the sake of it." and when they start saying "Oh it's not for the sake of it he will be ...." you turn away and say "There is no more to say. He is not being dropped off and collected later. There is no need. If there is a need or emergency at some point, then I will ask."

She should be jolly glad she sees him as often as she does! Mine live hundreds of miles away! I haven't seen them for about a year! Indeed you could say that you don't want to hear any more about it or you won't be visiting as often in the future! Start taking the upper hand. I think the problem is that she is bossing you about and you feel cowed by her because you have been used to her doing this all your life. Now you have changed! You are the mother! You give the orders! She does as you tell her!

agnurse what a suspicious mind you must have.

I have my grandkids all the time and they all sleep over butIi would never ask for "unsupervised time" They are welcome to come with or without their parents /siblings. My baby grandson has never stayed over night yet and I would never push it. This must only happen when you feel sure and ready to leave him.

Why not treat yourself to something like a trip to the hairdresser or beautician and drop the little one with the grandparents for an hour or two? Explain to them that you don't want specific days, but that it would be nice for you to have a few hours to yourself at times. I have 6 grandchildren and they've all been alone with me at some point since they were around 6 weeks old. It's wonderful to have their parents there sometimes as well, but time alone with grandchildren is wonderful.

I too have had my Grandchildren from a very early age. Most parents I know are pleased to have a little time for themselves. I have a really lovely relationship with them.Feel very lucky.

I find the request for a weekly set in stone visit a bit disturbing. What do they want to do with your child that they can't do with you there?

If you've said no and they won't stop asking, that's even more of a red flag to me.

You have done nothing wrong OP for sure! You have just done what your siblings did, and by chance it worked out as less time in your case.

I think your suggestion of nursery pick-up then tea is an excellent one.

I still find it strange that they should specifically have asked for time alone with your DS. As with your siblings and their Mum, my role as grandparent has been to help when needed and when approached. The impetus has only ever come from me when I have spotted that they might be in a fix and I have offered to help by having the children.

Just as an aside, I would never have let my DDs stay with my parents, because I would not have wanted them to have to endure being piggy-in-the-middle between the warring factions that constituted my parents' marriage.

I think that’s all well and good and agree but it shouldn’t be fixed and should be when it suits op and dh. GP are retired generally and have all the time they want whereas parents of young kids get their quality time with their family at weekends. Gp should not be dictating how things should be run. Having grandkids on their own should be an ad-hoc thing and helpful to the op. I think most gp have gkids to help out not for selfish reasons because they want more time with their gc.

I think your parents would be delighted with that suggestion frenchfrogz.

Wow. I did not expect so many replies and I appreciate all of them. I have been reading through, I would never want to come across as only thinking about myself.
I think because my siblings need a lot of extra help with childcare and go out much more than I do it probably comes across as I don’t trust them or don’t want him to be without me. But really I’ve only ever done the same as my siblings, which is ask for Parents to look after him when I need them too. It’s just much less than the other siblings ask for. I hope you see what I mean.
I am happy for him to go over for a few hours and I will make more of an effort to do that. It must have been building up for years because this is the first they’ve spoken about it with me. Also why it shocked me, because I had never thought I was doing anything wrong. I would make sure they had lots of contact with him be it me visiting them or having them over here.
I could suggest they pick him up from nursery once a week to go for tea.

Bluebell....”the best gift you can give your child is to allow it to explore the environment away from you.....”

Totally agree with you!

I think nanaandgrampy hit the mail on the head again for me!