Alone time with grandparents.

I've just re-read the post again and completey missed the part where you said you don't mind him going there but didn't want a day set in stone.

I would just tell them that, also when Baby number 2 is here, Children tend to get jealous of another baby taking all mom's attention so he might not want to go. There's also Pre-school/Nursery time coming up aswell as all the Midwife/HV so having a day set in stone might not work out best for him.

I had terrible Anxiety with my first DD so I know how bad it can be

Dh not fh

Op, forget what others say that they left their child from being two minutes old, it’s up to you. Everyone is different. My next door neighbour went on and on at how her 16 year old daughter couldn’t wait to babysit my newborn. That never happened. Ever. I was, and still am, also very protective. My children went to nursery and they were babysat by gp but never stayed over as young children. That was my choice. All parents have and are entitled to different views.

...and if it’s once a week at the weekend too that impinges on your plans. I’m sorry but they don’t call the shots on your child. You do.

I think it’s nice they want to see their gp but it’s out of order that they feel they can just makes demands like that. It’s your life and your family time and up to you how you and your family (you, FH and dc). I would say that you are happy for them to have dc when it’s suits you too. I certainly wouldn’t fix it each week if you’re uncomfortable with that.

I bet they have been chatting to someone who has asked....so when do you get to see your Grandson on his own?.....and its got them wondering!

The whole Grandparent thing is full of expectations from both sides that sometimes do not match what the other side feel they should be. I blame the media and all those 'perfect' family adverts!

I will repeat myself until I'm blue in the face...Grandparenting is all about developing a relationship that works for all concerned there are no hard and fast rules. In here we get everything from the Grandparents who feel totally put upon for being expected to permanently make themselves available for all sorts of childcare - to Grandparents who are accused of interfering too much for daring to ask to visit!

If this request to have time alone feels uncomfortable then there is something out of balance. What usually happens is Mum and or Dad need time alone for something....and they ask Grandparents if they could look after the little darling. What usually happens is that Grandma jumps at the chance whilst Mum feels a mixture of anything and everything from joy to terror to guilt and relief.
Usually all goes well and Grandchild has a lovely time and wants to come again and the parents get a few hours or a day off and can be a couple again (but hopefully they are still happy to have the little darling back...otherwise what's the point of having children?)
Usually its all done amicably and to everyone's satisfaction and enjoyment and is hopefully repeated. By the time the little darling is at school it becomes those joyful little 2 or 3 day minibreaks that so many Grandmas love (but do need a fortnight to recover from - but will never admit it)
It should never feel like a demand for 'time alone' neither should it be a case of Grandparents being taken advantage of.
There needs to be a conversation here....what has started this feeling that Grandparents have a right to time alone...is it just gossip or are they misreading some signs?
If there is a new baby on the way then its certainly a good idea to have a plan B.....what happens to child if new baby arrived in the night and parents cannot look after him...that sort of thing. So perhaps a couple of visits to ensure he is familiar with being dropped of at Grandma's in an emergency. But it should not feel like they are fighting for time alone....so you really do need to have a sit down with your DH and have a think about what you want to discuss with your parents. Invite them over for tea...and start the conversation.

I think you should look at it from a different angle. It is really important that your child has alternative carers that he is happy and confident with. There may come a day when you or his father are taken to hospital, maybe as an emergency. Or many other reasons - and you will want your little one to go somewhere he has been before, knows the people etc etc.

so , reading the OPs responses this really isn't about the child at all but about her , how she feels and what she wants .

Unless her parents were abusive ( but then why would she visit and let them babysit?) and unless she feels they did the worlds worst job of raising her , I don't understand why she would be anxious?

Anxious about what? That her child will love her less? That the child wont want to come home?

I have a warm and loving relationship with all 4 of my grandchildren supported by all the parents who see that we, as grandparents, are bringing something else to the table . This is not time you can get back by deciding you're less anxious about it when they're 10.

My personal view is for the Op to work out what the problem is ( whether its the phraseology her parents use or her child not being with her ) and work to address that sooner rather than later. Not all grandparents are like those ann described - you might be surprised .

I can remember being so possessive with my two boys when they were babies. I didn't even like other people holding them, or giving them a bottle of milk. When I look back, I'm not sure of my reasoning, except anxiety. That didn't change until they were at least five. So I do understand this mum's explanation. Although I might add, that I can see now I was wrong then and probably didn't do my boys any good at all.

Frankly, I incline to your parents' side of this discussion.

A three year old should be able to spend a couple of hours alone with his grandparents who he already knows.

Unless you know or suspect that their views on child-rearing are totally opposed to yours, it seems unkind both to your parents and your child not to let them look after him for a little while alone.

However little we mothers like the thought, our children do sometimes need to be away from us. My mother was a bit like you, she never willingly let us out of her sight and it was horribly hard to move away from home at sixteen, because she hadn't prepared us to do so, to say nothing of our first day of school. She actually cried when she left me in the baby class when I was five! Please don't go down that road, but get used to letting others look after your child.

Missiseff I would never have let anyone have my children from a few weeks old. I was breastfeeding on demand and that would have been terrible and miserable for both the baby and me.

Furthermore I think it's both wrong an unkind to respond so harshly to not having gone to the grandparents by 3. Many 3 year olds are still babies and need the special care of their mothers. We do not know this little person. All children, and all families are different. It's the mother's and father's place to make decisions about who should be allowed to look after the infant and to decide when it might work best for them all.

It's not our place as grandparents to assume we will have baby "to ourselves". I am not upset or hurt that one of our grandchildren likes his own bed for example. That's his choice. And before it was his choice it was his mother's. He has stayed in an emergency situation and has understood why. The other children in the same family are always up for visits.
As someone said earlier- horses for courses.

Frenchfrogz. Three! I had my GC on their own from about 6 months! only for a couple of hours, but you do get to really bond when mum isn't there. Is he allowed to go to playschool/nursery without you? If you have a nother one dure anyday, you may need the support. Would have been better if he has been used to it before the little one comes along. It really isn't that odd!

Ah, but, SparklyGrandma all GP's aren't sensible and loving, if they are that is wonderful, otherwise, visits are better being supervised. You are all the former, the others are around I assure you.

It’s up to you to decide if and when you are ready. They’ve queered the pitch by pushing so now you feel uncomfortable. Tell them that the time will come but that they need to back off a bit and be led by you.

3 years is a long time, it’s not possibly going to happen organically. Children deserve to have a loving one to one relationship with sensible loving grandparents.

Taking them out for the day, treating them, planning trips, you say he’s 3 - all part of the fun of child- grandparents relating.

I would say, trust them, let them take him out and treat him.

It seems weird to me that the grandparents are almost demanding a set day a week that you leave your child with them. I just look after my grandchildren whenever my family need me to help them out. If I wanted to take them anywhere special e.g. the circus, I'd suggest we all went out together as a group.

Perhaps you could ask them to help out a bit more by picking up the eldest from a playgroup or babysitting while you pop out for an appointment etc. when the new baby comes; you'll appreciate the extra help then but it's up to you to decide what you feel is best. Do these grandparents feel they are in some sort of competition with their friends and their grandchildren are 'trophies' to be shown to others, are they good at enforcing the same rules you have or are they just desperate to spend more time with them?

Your child, your call. And I speak as a great GM. My mil used to practically insist in having my eldest ds for a weekend and I was too naive to say no. My exH always sided with his mum so no support there. When we collected him she was always so smug telling me what new words he had said and I used to lie and tell her that he had already said those words at home as I felt second best. I resented her territorial attitude over him especially as she didn't have the same feelings over DS2 or DD. I sometimes felt as if I had had my first born for her and the other 2 DC for me. I think your mums attitude is selfish.

Wow. 3 and not had fun alone time/day trips out with his grandparents?? Sorry, but that's very odd. I can only imagine how hurt your Mum must be by this. It would be killing me. We've had two of my husbands grandsons all day once a week from the ages of four weeks and the youngest, one week. Mainly to get them used to being left when Mum went back to work, but time with them is invaluable. My own first granchild is due soon & my daughter is keeping me very much at arms length. I haven't been involved in her pregnancy, or shown what things they've got for him so far, and have even been told I probably won't see her now til he's born because she wants 'time to chill'. I'm very hurt by that. I don't want to be in her pocket 24/7 but I do want to feel involved and excited. So from a Mothers point of you, involve yours as much as you can, do things together, let your child have alone time with his grandparents. They'll all benefit from it. Time's precious and everyone will have lovely memories x

It depends on the daughter and the children When d#1 daughter is working from home when I collect 4 yr old granddaughter from nursery and I have to give her tea and play with her and bath her, ready for supper and bed it is awful! Alone with me gd is fine, plays, loves seeing me, runs to me when I get to nursery. When we get home if mum is there she wants mum and is sometimes rude to me. Mum is a pain too! She criticizes while in her room working.

Being together with #2 daughter and young 2 yr old grandson is a pleasure. We both play with him. We both enjoy it. We have been on outings together. Older daughter wants me to take grandkids on outings alone so she can do something else. Younger daughter and I enjoy each other and the child. So horses for courses.

I think you should do what you feel comfortable with. Grandparents don't have a right to spend alone time with their grandchildren. I do spend alone time with mine but only when my daughter asks me to. That is to help her. GPs can be a great help and have a lovely bond with their grandchildren so if you think you might be comfortable for them to spend time later on with your child I would just say he is a little young at the moment but you would love him to spend alone time with them when he is a little older. Remember he is your child and you can make the decisions.

It is very useful to leave children with GPs . If there was ever an emergency when they would need to be looked after they will be used to it & not upset.
We have had all 6 of ours come to stay from a very early age & they love it- we love it & Mum & Dad can have a night out without worrying.
It is a very special bond & let's be honest - they have a lot of fun with GPs doing things Mum & Dad often do not have time for. I always cook with them & they take home cakes or biscuits to share with Mum & Dad. Grandma doesn't mind the mess made by paints or crafts as she doesn't have to clear it up every day. Grandy is a whiz with making models of dinosaurs too.
Maybe suggest they have a night out on their anniversary & let children stay over. I bet once they see children have fun they you will be in constant demand.

With older daughter's first boy I took him for walks so she could do housework or rest from a few months old. Out in the buggy for a couple of horus and back. Then grandpa and I took turns collecting from nursery and caring when she began work when he was around 2. I almost never see my daughter except when she wants me to do childcare for him or his small sister now! I don't even hear from her, she doesn't reply to most emails or texts, just when she asks about childcare, some of whichis regular days.

With #2 daughter I have only looked after my grandson alone twice Once in the house for an hour or so and once I took him for a walk in the buggy, home and stayed until she came back. He is two now and that was before he was one. They live an hour and half's drive away and i get tired with the journey. She mostly is there too when I go to play with him, only about once a month. She does trust me but said she wants me to enjoy him, not work at childcare. I am going next week though and she might go out again as she is having a long weekend toilet training him

IF Mum is not happy for whatever reason, then no, if they have time together with mum there then that is enough, mothers know their own children best. The time will come when it happens naturally. IT will probably be sooner if mother can trust the grandparents to look after the child as she wishes, it is odd I think that any grandparent would push for unsupervised access, sounds to me like there is something they would do that mum is not happy with. Learnt this the hard way, one set of grandparents would not listen to us when we asked that certain foods were avoided on medical grounds as advised by the doc, for example, son too small to say no, they also refused to clear up sheets of thin horticultural glass in their garden, which would have been dangerous had a child fallen on them, [yes we did move them ourselves, but it seemed to show a lack of concern for their safety], neither child wanted to go on their own, and it would hae had to be an overnight visit because of the distance, we didn't push them, eventually they got to an age where they were happy to go, but things were not good, they'd not worry about belting them up in the car, for example and did not put suncream on them, amnd we once got them back from a visit badly burned and feeling ill because of it, they were oof an age where they still needed help putting it on. They were not allowed to get food when they were hungry either, and got into trouble for helping themselves, they'd been brought up to be able to hae food when they were hungry, as the grandparents had late lunches and evening meals they did get hungry, they were growing. And also they had inflicted a lot of corporal punishment on their own children and saw nothing wrong with that
Not all grannies and grandads are kind and caring, and we cannot judge what is right for this mum and child

A week would IMO be far too,long if he's not used to it, so I do think it's U to ask - and you would not be at all U to say no. But one night now and then would probably be good - you never know whether his being used to it might be helpful in an emergency. Or even if you'd just enjoy a lie-in now and then!

We have had our Gdcs (just 4 and nearly 3) overnight (either at ours or at theirs) on and off since they were tiny, so they are well used to it, and are soon coming for 3 nights while dd and Sil attend a no-kids wedding abroad.

I have to say it was very helpful that Gdd was entirely used to us both day and overnight when her baby brother was in hospital 3 times for several days with bronchiolitis, so dd could stay with him without worrying about Gdd.

I think you've have some really sensible advice on here OP so it was a good idea to post and see both "sides" - I've found it very interesting how some posters here think its ok, that your parents are completely entitled, and its the entitlement that's the issue.

Its very important not to send DC1 "away" when you have a new baby, your parents could come round to your house and actually help out, take DC1 to the park then bring him back, take baby out for a stroll in the pram. But this idea of delivering your child to them for their own ends, that's not them being kind and caring GPs.

BTW interesting also that when you admitted to having anxiety at least one poster said oh that's it that's why you are "wrong" - if you tell people you have anxiety you'll have them queuing up to say you no longer know your own mind.