Alone time with grandparents.

They asked for once a week “unsupervised visit” it’s all starting to feel like a custody arrangement. Everyone in the family seems to agree with them, but I really don’t want to live on someone else’s schedule
I think it’s the formality of the phrase “unsupervised visit” that grates. It is lovely when grandchildren and their grandparents form a part of each others’ lives, like going to Granny’s for tea after school etc. My co- granny (DD’s MIL) used to have what she and her daughter called “Wonderful Wednesdays” when she would have her little grand-daughters for the day, or after nursery or after school (as they grew older) and her daughter worked part time or had a day to herself. These girls are now adults but have remained very close to their grandparents. Offering to have a grandchild for an afternoon or a sleepover has to be a “natural” thing though and notanan has expressed it well.
I used to look after my DGS in London (when he was a toddler) quite often if either of his parents had to be away or working late (DD works in the theatre) and realised on one occasion that he came to associate my arrival with Mummy’s departure and became very clingy, so we had to work on visits to both of them to help him feel secure.
The bottom line for me, is, who are these regular visits for?
If it is to foster a good relationship the the GPs , or an offer to give OP half a day to herself if she wants it, that is great, everybody benefits, but if the GPs are somehow asserting their “rights” then I am not sure.

I see quite a lot of the GC because I look after them/pick up from school etc., but have never asked to have them to myself, purely for the sake of doing so. They have only ever had time alone with us when we have been looking after them for the parents.

We also see them when they come round with their parents or we go to their homes.

It seems that this is what is happening with your family and it would seem entirely adequate to me. However, if they want time to spend with your child and you are happy that they look after him well, then I guess you might be quite glad of this when new baby appears!

But I do not think this is something a grandparent should feel entitled to.

I’ve always had ‘unsupervised ‘ visits starting when my oldest GD was 10 weeks old. I have a strong bond with all three GC and my DS once said that the children got more out of being with me than being in nursery.
Don’t you want a break? Even if you just sit at home and put your feet up.

If you aren't ready frenchfrogz, that's understandable we are all different, some mothers feel relief to grab some time alone, but if you don't well there's nothing wrong with that either imo, tell them how you feel. As others have stated up thread it sounds more like a custody demand. Whilst I think it's great for grandparents to have time with their grandchildren alone, although that wasn't always so common with previous generations, afternoon tea with grandparents with my parents are my memories, it's entirely up to you, don't be bullied. Good luck.

Frenchfrogz if your parents’ request seems to you more of a demand, then yes it seems unreasonable. No one has the right to demand unsupervised access to a child.

But just maybe, your parents saw your anxiety with DS when he was younger and see this as a way of helping you overcome it.
Perhaps they anticipate that when baby#2 arrives, you will have your hands full coping with both children and if DS has a regular visit with them, you will get some time by yourself with your new baby, or some rest, or both.
Perhaps they think DS would benefit from the confidence going somewhere without you could bring.
Perhaps they are thinking of you as much as they are thinking of themselves.

I've read similar threads over on MN and I feel for the mothers who feel coerced and pressurised by parents and PIL. The mother, or should I say primary carer, could be the father, should always be in the driving seat as to whether they want that or not.

We were always asked if we could look after our grandchildren right from when they were tiny babies, sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for a whole day. I wouldn't have asked for that though. I think the parents should have the ultimate say with that one as to what they feel comfortable with. Some mothers don't want to be separated from their very young baby and the older generation should respect that. They also may have issues as to how they perceive the grandparents will take care of their baby, maybe because of pets in the house or they have different ideas of how the baby/child will be looked after. It's the parents prerogative to decide on this matter imo.

Perfectly natural ask from grandparents. Don’t see what your problem is.

When I had my kids, I was more than happy to drop them off with either set of grandparents. It gave me an hour or two all to myself, which was great, and gave them that special time with their GC. And I knew they'd be well looked after and loved. Now I'm a grandparent myself, my son & DiL have occasionally presented me with our DGD, and asked if I'd like to have her for an hour or two. I don't think it's necessary to have a regular day each week, I agree that seems a bit strange, but on a 'now and again' basis I see no harm. Tell them you don't want a specific day arrangement, as you don't know what your own plans may be each week with friends or whatever, but if you're happy for them to have him for the odd hour or two, to keep them happy, then tell them that's what you'll do.

Frenchfrogz, congratulations on your growing family!

I'm sorry your parents seem to be pressing for alone-time w/ your DS, especially when they see him once a week, anyhow, and have been alone w/ him when they babysat. However, chances are, they do think you only leave him w/ them when you need them, even if that's not the case.

Like some of the others here, I think it's good for children to spend some time alone w/ (trustworthy, of course) GPs, so that they are comfortable w/ them if ever the parents have to leave them w/ someone. However, you don't feel ready, and, IMO, you need to follow your instincts, Since you've already told your parents you'll give them alone time when you're ready, I feel you don't need to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) any further. If they ask again, IMO, you should simply remind them you said you will when you're ready and then change the subject or (gracefully) end the conversation. Do the same every time they ask (but, hopefully, they'll stop and wait for you to be ready).

Once the baby is here for a while, you may want them to take the older one, sometimes, so each child can get some individual attention and you can focus on the baby, etc. Or not. Only time will tell.

In a few weeks my second child is due so I will welcome the help with my oldest.

frenchfrogz…..we crossed posts I think!

It must have been really hard for you suffering with anxiety and having a new baby.
I can remember the feeling of overwhelming responsibility for my first child!
Considering the stress of your anxiety, I'm surprised you allowed the sleepover at 18months, but you did.

Our little ones are so precious to us arnt they?

It's funny isn't it, there was a thread talking about the past where neighbours took babies for a walk in the 50's and 60's.

We've gone from that to not trusting gp's, full stop.

Even when there is no cause for concern.

Surly there is a middle way?

notnan…...I refer you back to nanhaandgrampy's post 2nd paragraph.

He is 3 years old, I replied to an earlier post sorry if you missed it. I came here to get a grandparents perspective, because the idea that they didn’t want me around was strange to me.
I do suffer with anxiety, especially the first year of his life. I admit I was terrible. He had his first overnight stay at 18 months. I made sure I wouldn’t need to rely on help from others, and just never got out of that habit.
I would like them to ask me when they’d like to have him, without making a formal weekly agreement.

They do see him every week, I go with him usually, not to watch over him, just to get out of the house and catch up with my parents.
I could stay at home instead and just send him if they’d prefer. Thank you for your opinions.

I’m not sure what ‘happens organically’ means

Organically:
"Hi DD/DS, theres a food festival on on Saturday, did you and GCs fancy coming"
"No mum I can't I have a tonne of house stuff to catch up on"
"Well I could take GCs myself if you and SIL cant come?"
"Yeah great"

Weird and unorgaonic: "I want to take the children out WITHOUT you on saturday"

*I do think your parents have a point.
It is good for children to find others can love them and be relied upon.*

They dont have to be "unsupervised" for that! They can feel loved just fine with the parents present, why does the GPs want the parents out of the equation?

I don’t think it’s a weird thing to ask notanan seems far weirder to not want your parents to enjoy their grandchildren away from you but happy to use them if you need to

No whats weird is you missed out there the more natural middle option: seeing the GCs WITH their parents, y'know, as a family?

Well frenchfrogz……..You don't say how old your son is?

If its really just sticking to a fixed arrangement that is troublesome for you, perhaps your parents would be happy with you starting off just now and again?
He only need to visit for a couple of hours.

I do think your parents have a point.
It is good for children to find others can love them and be relied upon.

You shouldn't do anything that you feel pressured to ofcourse, but give it some thought.

I agree with Nanaandgrampy

I’m not sure what ‘happens organically’ means. The joy on both sides that comes from a child and grandparents having time alone together is beyond price. My daughter says she loves the fact that they are so happy to have time with us and the different experiences they have.

It does sound odd doesn't it.
My DGMiL asked if I would leave each of my DC with her for a short while.
I said she could but it turned out she wanted to baptise them! I think she thought we were heathens because we didn't take them to church and they weren't christened.

He has just recently turned 3. My partner and I work alternate shifts Monday to Friday. So the weekend is our only time all together.
To say I use my parents for childcare when it suits me is far from the truth. It’s only ever been a handful of times for a couple of hours that I’ve asked for their help I ask them first as I know they WANT to spend time with him. I do have other options, and it’s times I could have taken him with me if I had to. I would never make a fuss if they couldn’t have him.
Partly I am reluctant because it comes across as more of a demand/“this is my right” I like the way notanan2 said it. I want it to happen organically and not feel forced.

How old is your DS? would he not enjoy a day out with them. Although I don't understand why they want "unsupervised visits" as you say it sounds a bit like a custody arrangement.
You have told them what you feel, as long as you don't stop them seeing him at all then as you say when you are happy that the time is right perhaps you can organise something .

Best of luck to you, don't upset the GPs but explain to them how you feel - he is your son after all.

I think it is really healthy for young ones to spend time alone with grandparents. For one thing they learn that they are safe without mum there all the time.
I have been able to have some alone time with mine and it sets us up in trusting that we will have a good time together.
It can be for just a an hour at first if the child is still a baby.
You don't want the first time to be a trauma or scary in any way and so the earlier the better as children accept that it is natural and that it is ok if they do this from when they are little.

I don't know why you wouldn't want to do this? Can you say why you are reluctant?

I don’t think it’s a weird thing to ask notanan seems far weirder to not want your parents to enjoy their grandchildren away from you but happy to use them if you need to

You don’t give the age of the little chap but I think that it’s lovely for grandparents to be able to take the grandchild off now and then You seem to think they should only have him if you need them to have him, but surely it’s about a little pleasure visit or trip as well as a ‘working’ arrangement now and then not necessarily once a week but sometimes
I met a friend today who was out with her 17 day old great grandchild, both enjoying a walk in the sun
I have certainly had time out with all my grandkids and precious times they were too