Self centredness

Isn't that assertiveness, not selfishness Bradfordlass?

What strikes me in my elders' group is that they are no longer prepared to put up with the rubbish they tolerated when younger.

Good on 'em - but it can seem like selfishness.

'No, I won't drive 46km to get you from the airport at 1 am - get the shuttle!'

'No, I won't lend you $50 to pay your speeding fine - keep to the limit in future and pay this one off at $20 a week.'

'No, I won't babysit all four snotty kids, the incontinent dog and a foul-mouthed parrot.'

I think we change throughout our lives. Start off being self centred as children, then as our world and experiences expand we learn to consider others, not ignoring the influence of personality and upbringing of course. In very old age our lives start to shrink, our peers die off and we tend to be more solitary and often dependent. My mother is 94 and is totally dependent for all her needs and consequently has become very anxious, fearful, in pain, and demanding. I would say she has always been an anxious person but now she is now totally self centred, but this is caused by her cognitive decline, dependency and fear, and survival instinct kicking in. Just hope it doesn't happen to me, it's b....y hard to deal with.

Beautiful post, Monica!

Floridagirl, I'm sorry about your illness. I really do think you should put yourself first now, unless doing things like volunteer work makes you happy. And yes, I see the irony between what many people say and how they react if you follow their advice.

Mumsyface, it differs from person to person, of course, but I think often elderly people seem to be more "self-centered" b/c they know for sure what they like/dislike and aren't as tolerant of situations that make them unhappy or uncomfortable. It may be partly the sense of the shortness of time they have left.

"... how does one deal with it?"

First, I think one deals w/ it by accepting the elderly person's limits to the extent possible. If they say, for example, "No, I'm not going to the family reunion this year," then accept it, don't argue and try to think of ways to get them to change their mind, etc. If they say, "I'm not going to GD's graduation," IMO, that's a little more serious. I would tell them that GD will be hurt (if she will), but then leave it up to them. If they insist on driving when they don't really drive well anymore, that's very serious, and I would have sit down to discuss it, and ask for the car keys, even if it were a very uncomfortable conversation.

These^^ are just examples, but do you see what I'm saying? IMO, there are different scenarios, and one has to handle them all accordingly. But, overall, I think we need to respect the older person's wishes, even if we don't agree, unless they are terribly dangerous.

Oh, but, we need to have our limits, too. Sometimes, we, also, need to say no, for their health or ours, even if they complain. As a PP said, much like dealing w/ a toddler.

I'm confident you can figure out how to cope w/ DH if that's what you're wondering. Best of luck!

In answer to the original question: Yes. I think it is the survival instinct kicking in.

There are also those, not so old or with serious problems, who are used to being the centre of attention; once they retire, lose a partner, and are no longer regarded as the hub of their family they become amazingly demanding. They haunt social media in search of attention.

Katy, I'm so sorry about DH's cancer. I hope he is able to beat it.

Pam, I'm sorry about all you've been through and then getting cancer on top of if. As with Katy's DH, I hope you are able to beat it.

the older you are the more time you've had to practice and perfect techniques to manipulate people into doing your bidding

Yes. Very well said Monica!

I wouldn’t necessarily call it being self centred. After many years of looking after and worrying about children and parents it can feel pretty good to have time to yourself to do whatever YOU feel like doing. This is different from somebody who is self obsessed and has no interest in anything or anyone other than themselves. Many of us probably know someone like this. They just want to talk about themselves and their families and no other subject (books, films, current affairs etc) interests them at all. Personally i find these people can be very boring so try not to spend too much time with them. If this is becoming self centred then so be it ?

My ex hubbie was always on the selfish side. However he has definitely got far worse these days. My eldest daughter went to visit him on Fathers Day taking with her own daughter, who had just finished taking all her GCSE's. She commented on this to her father on several occasions, not once did he ask how they went, or even what A levels she was hoping to do, or anything else with regard to this, his eldest g.daughter.
Earlier this year I had to visit him several times to get his signature regarding the house sale, and mentioned to him how seriously unwell our eldest daughter was at that time (she has an auto-immune condition which makes even quite mild and normal infections potentially serious). Not once has he asked after her or lifted up the 'phone to ring her.
He is disabled and lives in sheltered housing with carers coming in 3 x daily, and seems to have not interest at all, in anyone, but himself.

When my husband was terminally ill, he became less tolerant, but not always in a bad way. His time was precious to him, and he didn't want to spend it with people he didn't like or respect, or saying things he didn't mean. I remember him saying, "I do NOT want to go round to xxx's for coffee any more, and have to admire their latest home improvements and soft furnishings, and put up with their smelly dog!" There were certain people he did want to see, and others he just had (literally) no time for. Your priorities change when you know time is running out.

Some people mellow and some do the opposite. I hope I mellow, although I have got better at saying no on some occasions. I am also better at what DH calls “not sweating the small stuff”. I think people can be much grumpier when they are frightened - of illness, old age and loneliness.

One Christmas not on

My MIL had never been a very pleasant person ( just like husband who I eventually left!) As she got older and after FIL died she became impossible. I tried to still be nice but finally flipped when she was really horrible to DD2 on Christmas
and told her if she spoke to her like that again she could leave the house and not come back, she was marginally more pleasant after that! I told the girls if I ever start to be like Grandma they can put me on the corner and shoot me!

I think as you get older you know how you want to spend your time and you don't want to waste time doing things you don't want to do. When you are young with your whole life ahead of you you think you have all the time in the world. When you are older and time is more precious you spend it more carefully

That is very true absent My husband says I have 'only child' traits and can be selfish. Better not tell him it will get worse.

I reckon people become more extremely whatever they have always been. So if they have been loving and kind when they were younger, they become more loving and kind. If they have been rude and nasty, they become ruder and nastier. Of course some medical issues, such as dementia or stroke, can interfere and what happens seems like a totally inexplicable personality change.

Yes I have, but not selfish. I was widowed at 60 and diagnosed with incurable illness the same year. I have 3 children all grown and flown, so I was family centred for many years. I am very independent, my theory, if I don’t have expectations I don’t get disappointed.
What does amaze me is since being diagnosed is people telling me to “get selfish” or this is “your time now, put yourself first” and when you put it into practice they are visibly shaken, and offended.

I dont think absolutely everyone becomes more self-centered as they get older, but it does seem to be very common. Limited mobility, poor hearing and isolation tend to make people turn in on themselves, as does illness. My neighbour, who is 92, has avoided it. When her husband was ill ten years ago she actively went out and asked for help, and gathered about five or six of us around her. She would then invite us for a thank you tea every couple of months. Now she is the one needing help the 'support team' are already in place and even better we all know each other very well. There is always someone popping in and out to keep her company or do a few chores and we still have our thank you teas, although organised by us rather than her. She remains completely engaged in all of our lives and is an absolute delight.

My children have their own lives...never contact me. I go see daughters and grand children every 2 or 3 weeks. I will see son on the morrow at his wedding. Second time in a year....hahaha. I often feel like doing something totally for me and taking off in my boat and cruising the waterways....without telling them....hahaha So...am I becoming self centred...yes....bring it on.

Or is it a case of spending all your life trying to please other people and you eventually realise it is time to do what you want!? lol!!!

Maybe we just get better at saying ‘no’ to things we don’t want to do and worry less about what people will think of us because of it.

There are so many years when caring for others makes it difficult to put yourself first. Having said that, there are plenty who would say that the younger generations are the ‘me, me, me’ ones.

Yes...of course you get more selfish....what a question...surely as individuals it’s our time to be self centred....if not when we weve done with husbands ..childcare ...grandchildren care, and all that goes with it!! I know I am , not to the point of being nasty...but I have finially learnt how to say ‘ no it doesn’t suit my plans’

I remember being at some sort of gathering with the parents of my teenage daughter's friends (so us mothers were in our forties). The subject turned to our own mothers who were in their 70's and every single one of us noted that our mothers personalities were changing, and not for the good. I have often thought of that and nearing 70 now myself, am trying very hard to remain open and caring.

I am not allowed to be selfish or self-centred.
I have a particularly self centred daughter who is fairly demanding, ie, constant baby sitting and running around after her.
So, no, not a chance.