Not how I raised mine

Well a lot of comments have been made so not much to add that’s helpful. I do think tho that children should respect the rules of another persons home whether a relative or whoever. I respect other people’s hiuse rules taking shoes off etc if they do. Wouldn’t go in and kick people and I wouldn’t want any child coming to my home and kicking !! Surely we should be able to expect a please and thank you and reasonable non aggressive behaviour.! We have to obey the law of the land and rules at school and work. And if children aren’t brought up to understand this what chaos and anarchy there will be with the future generation.! A little respect for people and property is the least one can expect of any child. And a little gratitude

Whichever posted asked where it says he had reconnected mamablue said her son had messaged thanks for daughters presents which to me seemed a small move in the right direction

Wow! Lots of food for thought on this thread. Taking me a while to read it all and understand it.

FWIW my take on it seems to be that the OP Grandmablue's eldest son, seems to be in some way blackmailing his mother! Could be wrong but seems like he is saying.....do as I ask or don't see my kids? (simplifying it!)

Whatever has gone on, whatever has been said I don't agree with any parent deliberately refusing to allow children to see their grandparents (unless of course there are extreme circumstances, not petty squabbles about who, what, when). I think she has decided that she has smoothed the way over for sake of peace once too often and now she's had enough of being manipulated with the constant threat of not seeing her GC IF she somehow, in their eyes, fails them! She is infact, safeguarding herself against the pain of withdrawal?

I would just continue doing what you are doing Grandmablue. Keep the door open. Let them know you love them, keep buying birthday gifts but don't feel you need to bend over backwards.

I wouldn't involve any of the siblings in this. Keep up with the invitations and if they are not reciprocated by your eldest and he refuses to come along, hopefully his siblings will let him know what a great time he missed and how the cousins missed seeing them etc etc.

As for the grandfather's attitude. I know my dad felt exactly the same and voiced his opinion more than once with his great grandchildren. He was of the era that 'children should be seen and not heard'. Everyone just agreed "that's grandad" lol.

I am cutting this short as don't want to ramble but I can sense your pain.

ultimately he believes I’m not a good grandmother because I don’t do everything that he expects of me.

Well, I know what my response would be if my son made his love for me and contact with his children dependent on what I did for them and it would not be polite.

Grandparents are not skivvies or on-call child carers whose services can be demanded and expected as if they were slaves.

Your son's children are his and his wife's (I assume) and it is up to the parent's to care for them.

If you choose to provide some help and care because you enjoy your grandchildren's company, that is very fortunate for your son (or daughter), but you are not your son (or your daughter's) slave. They should be duly grateful for any help you provide. Not demanding it as of right. Where did your son develop this sense of entitlement?

Goodmama, spot on.

I don't agree with goodmama, though I think it was good that she said it. Offspring aren't always angels whose only fault may be because of something their parents did or did not do. We can't read too much into a couple of paragraphs either way.

Sometimes grandparents are toxic, either mistreating the grandchildren, badmouthing their parents in front of them or wanting to take over, but sometimes the offspring can be very entitled too and use their children as a means of blackmail, which is what it sounds like in this case.

As for pleases, thank yous and not hitting, shouldn't that be part of normal childhood education?

I think the important thing to remember about grandchildren is that are not our own children and, as such, the parents wishes are paramount, and they can disappear from our lives on a whim.

nail

I’d put money on @Goodmama having hit the main in the head

You don’t seem to get young children and families OP

When you have a disagreement with somebody, do you want to be right (get support/validation) or get other perspectives to see what may have go wrong and mend the fences?

I do not understand when a poster comes here with a problem. He/she reads something she/he doesn't like.
Then it is catastrophized how mean an alternative point of view is.

I think what Goodmama. said was in good faith I may not agree with what she said and the op said it didn’t hit the nail on the head. However I think she was trying to just paly devils advocate to provoke thought sometimes that works sometimes not. it’s not my style, but nor is attacking people for contributing, nor is staying quiet when others do.
People come on here for many reasons not just to get advice and help and I really don’t think anyone should tell anyone they have no right be on a social site.

I totally agree with you. We lesser mortals should really listen to women like GOODMAMA she even calls herself Goodmama. I wonder why on Earth she’s on here. She obviously knows everything about everything. She has no reason to be on here she obviously has a wonderful life & family life.

Oh my gosh. How dare you tell this women who is obviously hurting. That EVERYTHING she’s doing is wrong!!!

She’s on here for the same reason most of us are, to get advice - NOT to be told how terrible she is and everything she’s doing is wrong.

I always send a present to all my Grandchildren on each of their Birthdays, it doesn’t cost as much a The Birthday Girl or Boy but it lets them know I’m thinking of them & it makes them happy. And even though it may be at a time when my D & Sil & I are not talking, they appreciate what I do on the Grandchildren Birthdays

Why are you on here? You obviously know everything about children & Grandchildren & you even call yourself GOODMAMA !!

I wonder if your Children & Grandchildren would say how good you are??

If you think you are always right, why do you need the help of this website.

Sorry I missed some of the most recent posts.....We're selling our house and realtors called....when I came back, I hit CTRL Enter without refreshing the page. I hope my post is still relevant.

A lot of mixed messages here....I think some excellent points have been raised about generational gaps when it comes to raising children.

Many older parents especially from other religions or cultures, seem to hang on to archaic (patriarchal) ideas and behaviors; a time when the 'elders' were empowered to judge, rule and dictate over their adult children and their families. Some of us have learned the hard way that those ideas no longer hold sway. It's an ongoing theme that seems to reverberate repeatedly on these threads.

In today's world, the 'elders' have to adapt (i.e. back off), in order to avoid conflict and estrangement.

Grandmablue, Somewhere in your heart of hearts you must have an idea of what went wrong. My advice to you is this:
Fences need to be mended first. Perhaps a heartfelt apology or an honest, quiet conversation. Going forward, have a talk with your husband too and open his eyes if you can. He needs to understand too that adults (and children) need to be treated with respect. Respect means doing your best to understand the wants and needs of others and never override them with your own.

Re:Getting along with your adult children....Best thing is to be practical! When you disagree or don't understand something, look the other way and repeat to yourself several times, "If I bite my tongue, I'll avoid
slights and squabbles and a lot of unhappiness. I will choose to stay out of this (even if I disagree), because I prefer spending more time with my grandchildren than being estranged and unhappy!"

Bingo, LOL! I know what you mean! But his turn at bathtime may be the most convenient time for ODS. He has got the kids in one place, they can't wander off as kids sometimes do during FT, and they can all talk w/ the OP together. I think he's actually trying to be considerate of the OP and facilitate her relationship w/ his kids.

Grandmablue, it's wonderful that your other AC are more flexible about time. It might be different if your other DSs had kids, of course, or if DD had to juggle the schedules of more than one. Or not. Everybody is different. If you and ODS decide to reconcile, you'll have to keep in mind that he's more rigid about time for whatever reason. If work interferes, hopefully, you can explain that it was work, and not anything personal, and he'll understand. But if he doesn't, or if you just can't deal w/ his family's time schedule, then you may have to resign yourself to less contact w/ them, sad to say.

I am not at all interested to facetime my grandchildren when they have a bath - is there something wrong with me?! I had all the child bathing I can stand first time around!

I forgot!
Just because you and your other AC have a more fluid relationship, it does not mean it will be the same case with your older son.
Everybody has different circumstances: jobs, kids' personalities and needs, spouses, etc.

It is not a one size fits all.

I think you maybe need to take a step back and not invest so much of yourself. Take time for yourself and your husband and leave them to bring up their own children according to their rules, even if you think they are wrong. Times change and the way we were brought up is very different now.

Learn to keep your mouth firmly closed and smile. We all find our own ways of parenting and none of us are right or wrong. I firmly believe in being there when needed but not interfering. I don’t necessarily always agree with the way my grandchildren are brought up but I would never say that. They are their children and they have to deal with them.

Re: schedule and your involvement

Now we have something you can work on. That's great news!

Families with kids are super busy and have very little downtime.
For everything to happen, a schedule is key. Whether you and your dh agree or not, it is what it is.
It works for them, who have to raise their kids, work full time and have relationships with others, including extended family.

You have the right to tell them that Sunday morning is way too early for you (I don't blame you), how about something else between x time and x time in y dates? Would it work for them?
It is great they are asking you to be more involved.

It’s quite fascinating how different people see the written word and interpret things do differently. Starlady, yes of course, you have read things better than most. Thank you for your thoughts. I suppose the question is, am I prepared to have the upset, anger, anxiety and worry of reaching out again. That really was what the OP was about. Hubby is fine in himself but still requires reconstructive surgery. It will happen in time.
Hithere, yes he wants me to be more involved and at their time and schedule ... always on their terms.
Gingergirl, yes first born but unlike others have stated, he was not the ‘spoiled’ one but treated the same as the others. I just had him 6 years before the others came along so we were close, he is close (mostly) to his siblings, for which I’m grateful.
Apricity, of course I read and took on board what goodnama said, unfortunately she doesn’t appear to have read or understood much about the situation.
Gabriella - oh dear lord??? Really!
It’s the night my son bathes them - his (our) quiet time ... we all enjoyed it ... and before anyone picks that to bits, no DiL was not there.
Witchypoo, nice idea. Sometimes you just have to protect yourself
Smileless, as I’ve stated before, he wants more contact not less. Thank you for the suggestion.
Shazmo, my eldest was not ever my favourite... I gave birth to 4 children and love them all equally ... as I do my GC ... again he doesn’t want me to ‘back off’ but step up more.
Pinkjj .... 7 wow ... bless you. Please stay in your ‘good place’. I work full time and part time in jobs I adore, I’ve always worked hard and like you bought cars etc. You’re very astute in how you describe ‘grieving’, yes it sent me to the point of medication, along with menopause... fun time of life, isn’t it?
Notspaghetti - thank you
Anja - bless you and thank you ... the relationship I have with my other children is so much more fluid. If we can’t meet one day, we meet another. Never any drama or criticism...I worked all week and spent yesterday with 2 and my GS at a funday I arranged for our local village, then was called in to do a night shift because someone let us down. Again no drama, ok Mum, see you tomorrow!

we are all so different :-)

I thought that GoodMama gave some sound advice.
Good advice isn’t always the same as ‘what we want to hear’.

Many families seem to have problems like this, when minor ‘transgressions’ by grandparents are taken to heart by AC.
The walking on eggshells that most of us know about.

You're welcome, Pink.

Agree with you Sodapop concerning Goodmama it must be wonderful to be so perfect!!!!

Starlady Thank you

Pink, I'm so sorry your DDs have cut you off b/c of money issues. IMO, that is selfish and cruel. It sounds as if you handle it very well, though, and I'm glad you're in "an ok place" now. Hope it stays that way!

Witchypoo, I'm sorry DS and DIL are keeping the GC away from you and the other GC. I'm not sure what he means by "that's the way things are these days." If he means the kids are busy w/ a lot of extracurricular activities or that they spend the weekends doing things as a family unit, then I understand. But if they don't want GPs in their lives at all, then I don't get it, unless maybe they have very different beliefs than you and the other GPs or very different ways of raising kids that they feel GPs will interfere with. Regardless, I'm glad you sought counseling and have learned to accept it and get on w/ your own life. IMO, you have a very good attitude! Kudos!