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Love them all the same?

(25 Posts)
Flounder35 Wed 03-Jul-19 09:52:42

Hi all,
New nanny here to absolutely stunning 2 month old grandson.
As above just became a grandmother for the 1st and love the bones of him, was there when he was born, have a fantastic relationship with daughter and her husband and see them every other day, DD is our eldest followed by 4 DS's, DS3 him and his girlfriend rae expecting a baby at Christmas, girlfriend has quite a volatile relationship with the mother, the mother has upset my DS3 and DS4 on a few occasions, telling lies and hitting the girlfriend and actually throwing out both DS3 and girlfriend who ended up living with my mom, so she leans on us as her family.
Sorry to have waffled, but please tell me I will love this 2nd grandchild as much, not in the same way I suppose as although I love all children equally they are special to me in different ways, oldest, youngest, rainbow baby etc... Will this be the same way, I know I will have a special bond with GS as I was there when he was born and very much doubt girlfriends/wives of sons will have me there.
Thanks all x

GrannyGravy13 Wed 03-Jul-19 09:58:40

Please do not worry, you will love all your grandchildren, like you loved all your own children when they were born.

Ilovecheese Wed 03-Jul-19 09:59:10

You will love them all the same if you allow yourself to. If you project your feelings towards your daughter in law on to a baby, you will be setting yourself up to not love the baby as much as your first grandchild.
It is lovely to be at the birth of a grandchild but it does not mean you will have more of a bond with that child than others, as long as you don't allow that to happen. It really is up to you.

KatyK Wed 03-Jul-19 12:14:50

We only have one grandchild. She is a teenager now. I can't imagine loving another one as much as I love her but I know that I would.

Starlady Wed 03-Jul-19 12:22:20

Congratulations on your growing family!

Trust me, you will love your second GB (grandbaby) as much as you love your first, unless, as Ilovecheese says, you project your feelings about GF and her mother onto the 2nd GB. If you're around your DD's child more (and I imagine you will be since you see her and SIL so often), you might be closer to him in some ways, but you will still love the other one and any others that come along.

Regardless, please make sure you treat them all the same, no matter how you feel. Equal treatment is key here, IMO. You (general) can't always help how you feel, but you can help how you act.

Hetty58 Wed 03-Jul-19 12:39:22

Very sound advice Starlady. I have six grandkids so far. I'd say I'm closest to the eldest as he lived with me until he was ten but I do love them all. I'm delighted by how much they love me too. I enjoy their company and appreciate them more than I did my own children. There's more fun and less responsibility and household drudgery involved, I suppose!

A relative blatantly favours the kids of her favourite child, is cool with the kids of the next and has fallen out completely with the partner of her third child so doesn't see them. It's painful to watch their family gatherings and a terrible shame for all the kids, not seeing or knowing their cousins and being well aware of the different treatment.

Willow500 Wed 03-Jul-19 12:39:41

I'm sure you'll love all your GC the same as they arrive. I fell in love with my eldest son's daughter as soon as I saw her just a couple of hours after she was born nearly 22 years ago - her younger sister was a totally different child but I loved her just as much .

Strangely I loved my youngest son's son who is nearly 6 the minute I was sent his first scan - a weird feeling but I knew by then that his parents were emigrating before he was born and he became even more precious. The fact that his second son is his dad's double makes him so special too!

Don't worry about it - there's enough love to go round all children.

stella1949 Wed 03-Jul-19 12:49:57

I know how you feel - I've got 4 grandchildren and I have to (secretly) admit that I do feel more deeply towards my daughter's first child, my dear M. Like you I was there when M was born and she holds a special bond in my heart. She has a disability which makes her even more precious to me - she just needs that extra love and understanding which stabs me in the heart whenever I'm with her.

I treat my other three grandchildren just the same as I do her, and I don't believe that any of them would perceive that I'd love them any less. In fact I see them a lot more than I do M, since their dad ( my DS) is a single father and he relies on me for much of the children's care, school runs twice a day, health issues, all that mothering stuff .

Like Willow500 has said, there is always enough love to go around ! Just take them as they come and show your love - no matter what your relationship with their mother, you'll develop your own special bonds with your grandchildren.

Sara65 Wed 03-Jul-19 13:07:09

I can positively assure you, you have nothing to worry about

We dislike one of our daughters partners intensely, we have no relationship at all, but have remained very close to our daughter.

My husband was really worried that because of his loathing of the father, he’d struggle to love the children in the same way as the other grandchildren

Fast forward five years, he absolutely adores them, they have a very close and loving relationship

I have to admit I have a special soft spot for one granddaughter, but I try not to let it show!

Pantglas1 Wed 03-Jul-19 13:46:00

There is something special about the first which isn’t replicated to the same degree with all that come after but of course you don’t have to show that. All of ours have had the same birthday/Christmas money and in fact I make a point of going up to t’others for a hug first whenever I see them.

I firmly believe that babies bring their love with them and all we do is reciprocate.

Flounder35 Wed 03-Jul-19 14:00:42

Thank you all so much, feel much happier now, am glad we have a good relationship with the girlfriend, just wish for her sake that she one with her mother, as for the baby I do intend to treat them the same, have bought some fabric to make a Christmas stocking for DGS, and did show girlfriend today and said I will make the little and matching one just incase baby arrives before Xmas x
Thanks again xxx

SueH49 Wed 03-Jul-19 14:02:45

You will love them all, the first one is always special but there will be something that makes the next one/s special in their own way.

Doodle Wed 03-Jul-19 14:11:49

stella do you really feel more deeply about your dear M than your other DGC or is it that you care more about her feelings and worry more about her because of her disability?
I am lucky that I love my sons and my 3 DGC equally. My sons are totally different to each other and so are my DGC. I worry a lot about one of my DGC due to being autistic and having to deal with a lot of problems because of it. This one has a special place in my heart but then so too does my eldest who has a heart of gold and my middle one who is happy and bubbly. Each has their own special place in my heart as they are all special in their own unique way.

Grammaretto Wed 03-Jul-19 14:21:34

You have had good advice. I think we can develop a special, different, closer relationship with some that we can with others. Sometimes this changes over time but for example one of my DS reminded my DM so much of her deceased husband, that she couldn't help having an affinity with him.
I see more of some than I do others but I hope and try to love them equally. I think of them each day.

M0nica Wed 03-Jul-19 14:25:07

How can anyone with more than one child ask this question?

You answered your own question in your OP.

Septimia Wed 03-Jul-19 15:22:43

You aren't born with set limit to the amount of love you have to give.

Love expands to take in everyone it needs to, just as a gas expands to fill the space available.

knickas63 Wed 03-Jul-19 16:52:38

I have 4 grandchildren, two of whom I saw being born. I adore them all! They are each unique. When my DD was expecting her second child, she had this worry. I told her you heart just expands! No less love for one at the expense of another. Seeing them born didn't make the bond any stronger. I must admit though - I have yet to have a grandchild from my son, so I don't know if that will be different. He is much more independant that his sisters. But i fully expect to be just as in love with his children too!

kircubbin2000 Fri 05-Jul-19 20:03:04

I think you will feel closer to the ones you see most. I have an estranged gs of 20 and I rarely think about him now.The youngest 2 are real characters and liven up the house when they come but the older gd is special in her own quiet way too.

Sara65 Fri 05-Jul-19 20:12:56


I agree, it’s a lot to do with the amount of time you spend with them. I love them all the same, but I have a closer relationship with my local ones. I always said I loved my friends children who were in and out of my house every day, more than the nieces and nephews I rarely saw, I’ve also developed strong bonds with other children completely unrelated to me for various reasons, children are just children, as others have said, plenty of love to go around

annep1 Fri 05-Jul-19 20:21:16

I am closer to the ones I see most which still is only a few days a year. How can I feel close to gc whom I haven't seen for years and whose only communication is thank you for the present/ money and a happy birthday text? I once booked flights and hotel and their dad rang the day before to say he couldn't get time off work.

Dawn22 Fri 05-Jul-19 22:41:27

Just think lucky me.

annep1 Sat 06-Jul-19 04:07:09

It's comforting to know I am not alone.

stella1949 Sat 06-Jul-19 05:53:29

Doodle I guess it's always hard to untangle our feelings for our grandchildren. My dear M is my daughter's first child - her disability was obvious from Day 1 so of course my heart just broke with pain and love from the first moment I saw her . She is so strong and brave, and is also such a loving child, it's hard for me to know how much my "special love" is a result of her disability and how much would have been there anyway.

My son's children are the result of a relationship he had with a really nasty and toxic girl, who I can't stand. The children spent a lot of time just with her, since there was a very acrimonious break-up period of several years. The children are 10 and 14 now and in many ways, although they now live with their Dad, they are highly influenced by their mother's personality and attitudes. They are also very independent because of their times spent either alone or very unsupervised . They have prickly personalities ! I love them dearly , but they are hard to get close to .

I guess that love comes in many forms - like our other family members, grandchildren come in all shapes and sizes. We just love them all in different ways.

Sara65 Sat 06-Jul-19 08:02:03


I completely agree, the feelings we have for our grandchildren are often affected by lots of other factors, whereas with our children, it’s all a lot more straightforward.

As you say, when children become influenced by people you dislike or disapprove of, you still love them, but it’s sometimes harder

I have a special soft spot for one grandchild whose father is totally disinterested in her, his mother, who my grandchild loves very much, also seems to be distancing herself, it’s like they want to air brush her out as a mistake! I wouldn’t say I love her more, but I worry about her more

But I do realise, from reading such sad stories here, that I am blessed to have them all around

stella1949 Sat 06-Jul-19 08:06:26

Sara65 Yes, at the end of the day we're all so lucky to have our grandchildren. It's heartbreaking to read the many stories of "no contact" and estrangement that we see on these pages.