How to get family to stop leaving everything to me

Sarah65
It is easy for daughters to stay or slip back into that role. Sounds like you had a i situation. That’s a shame about her relationship. It is hard work and I am
trying to reclaim my space.

I have let the situation go on for way too long Harrigran. I make allowances because of her med conditions and took on more with the 2 year old as daughter broke her elbow last year which took ages to mend. Unfortunately the phone charger is long and on her chair, so the phone is always accessible!

Sodapop, the situations do creep up on you. I think it is awful to go on your phone if you are with people. She has to get rid of the garage clothes before winter because they will not fair well in the garage in cold weather. I know she
will get a mental block dealing with the amount out there. I still have more stuff
to add to the boxes as well. It reached a point where I could not walk up either
side of my bed because of clothes, books, gifts etc. I so wish I was like my friends
mother who would tell the kids that if stuff was left on the floor it would be out the window and she did it. I think I would be afraid of the repercussions.
Help! When did I turn into a doormat???

There may be some sort of depression. She gets anxious and incredibly stressed over the on-going access battle with the ex. It gets to me too.

EllanVannin that must have been so hard for you seeing your D go back to a controlling husband.

D doesn’t work because of the med conditions. She does a few hours voluntary work with animals. No DH.

Thanks for the DESC Grannyknot.

Working on a list of jobs paddyann.

I worry about her room because the 2 year old shares it and she does not clean it. She doesn’t do her own laundry, or any other job. Maybe empty the dishwasher. She says she can’t be around when I hoover because of the dust. She does contribute to food for her and the kids. She has had therapy in the past.

Thanks ladies for all the help. I really appreciate this.

I think you should pick your battles. Her bedroom is her concern, so just close the door on it and let her deal with her stuff herself. Good idea to put her overflow stuff into the garage- she should not be treating your room as storage space. Then decide what you would really like to happen.
Does she do her own laundry and that of her children? If not, would you like that to happen? Does she do any of the housework in the communal rooms, e.g dusting and vacuuming the living room, cleaning the bathroom, mopping the kitchen floor? Decide what you want, then write down a list, and tell her what you expect her to do. You don’t say wether she is contributing to household expenses, but if she isn’t, she should, no matter how limited her finances. she is behaving like a child, and is not being a good role model for her children. Enlist the nine year old’s help, and give him some household tasks to do while you make the evening meal- setting the table, tidying the living room etc. Even the two year old can help tidy away his own toys. You say your daughter has medical problems, but not if she is receiving any therapy, and perhaps this is something she needs to sort out for herself. Finally, if she pays for a pizza meal once a week accept it, it will be a night off meal preparation for you.
Good luck!

You have my utmost sympathy

just tell her if she wants to behave like a teenager you'll treat her like one .Put a rota of jobs to be done on her bedroom door.A basket with a sign on it saying "your stuff -your room".We had this for a wee while when my son came back after a bad breakup.He was in an awful place ,very depressed and at one stage suicidal.We let him revert to being 13 for a few months but once the medication and chat sessions with his amazing GP started to help we started retraining him as an adult.Took a while for him to understand that I was still working full time the same as he was and looking after his daughter half the week and eventually he grew up again and the dishes got taken back to the kitchen and he ironed his own shirts for work etc .You might have left it longer than we did but it may just work.As to your 9 year old ...I feel as if his almost 10 year old daughter is mine ,she calls this home and it will be her home as long as she wants it to be .Its not the childrens fault their family disintegrated we can only give them the stability they need until its fixed .

I'm really going to stick my neck out now and say why do we always think that people are depressed when perhaps they are just ... plain lazy. However, I agree with Ellan when she says you should tell her how you feel in an assertive way.

This has worked for me in the past:

your.yale.edu/sites/default/files/files/using-DESC-to-make-your-difficult-conversations-more-effective.pdf

But mostly, I want to say you have my sympathy.

Does your DD work at all? Have you a DH at home?

There could be a mild depression going on with your daughter's unwillingness to assert herself in any way. Start by telling her how you feel and see what sort of a feedback you get. Try and get to the root of the problem.

I had this in the very distant past where I more or less took over the upbringing of the two GC at the time until much to my annoyance and dismay my D went back to her husband------and to his controlling behaviour which I saw but she sadly didn't until years later when her mental state took longer to heal.

Just figured replies don’t go where expected! The cooking reply was to mumofmadboys ?

I have asked her to cook and been met with it would be Chinese or Dominos! The suggestion of her clearing up would be a start. I do get tired and fall asleep if I get in a comfy chair.

These situations creep up on you don't they and you suddenly realise how much you have taken on. It's quite rude to be looking at your phone when someone is talking to you. I would find a time when you are not going to be disturbed and ask her to switch off the phone for a while. Another occasion for small steps, prioritise which things you want to change first and set out a time scale for completion. For example, if her stuff is not boxed up and moved after two weeks then you will put it in bags and dispose of it. You need to follow through to show you mean business. Tell your daughter you are finding things more difficult now, our adult children somehow expect we will be always be able to do things in the same way as we did when they were small children. Time for tough love Summermary

You have allowed this situation to carry on so it is going to be difficult to rectify. There should have been ground rules from day one especially with little ones to care for.
Talk to your DD while her phone is on charge so that you get her full attention.

I sympathise, I can see how easy it is to slip into this, one of our daughters came home for a year with a child after the break up of a relationship , and just slipped back into the role of daughter

I admit I let it happen, things like, I’m ironing so I may as well do hers, yes, I’m fine to put the little girl to bed if she goes out, eventually she was out every night, and I seemed to be raising baby.

She left eventually, only to embark on another doomed relationship, and I’ve always said, if it happens again, there would be a lot more rules

For you, it’s hard, because it’s gone on for so long, and your daughter has health issues, but you aren’t getting any younger, and it’s hard work

I personally wouldn’t be able to stand the mess, start with that, reclaim your space

Hope it works out for you

I think it is very easy as a mum to get into this situation. Tell her you are getting tired and need more help around the house. Does she cook any of the meals? Could you ask her to take responsibility for certain things? Could she cook meals on certain days? Could you suggest if you cook she clears up afterwards and vice versa? Try small steps. Well done on being there for your GSs and your DD.