How to get family to stop leaving everything to me

Thank you for all your replies.
Daughter is under Consultants for two serious conditions - one from birth which was diagnosed at 6. Then ME which hit her at 14 following glandular fever, leaving her bed ridden for a long time. She has to pace herself carefully now. Hence why I haven’t been as tough as I would with no med problems. At present she is struggling to deal with yet another barrage of control and harassment from ex partner over access. He would take her to Court just to prove black wasn’t black if she’d suggested it was. None of us need this additional ongoing hassle. I’m having to pick my battles right now.

I think a visit to the Dr is in order, some sort of diagnosis must be possible and hopefully some treatment. Next time you want to have a talk with her and she is waving her phone around gently lean forward and remove it. If she wishes to act like a teenager then she must expect to be treated as one. Honestly I do sympathise but you need to stand up to her and get things running your way.

Gmarie

That sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it on my grandchildren through the holidays!

Since I don't know your daughter or her medical condition, etc., I wouldn't feel right commenting on any of that but I liked a suggestion from a poster on another thread. She suggested that the OP give her loved one (in this case it was a husband) two choices to pick from - "Do you want to do "this thing" or "this other thing"?"

It reminded me of when I was raising my sons. I read somewhere that instead of having the tearful clothing battle in the morning, I could put out two outfits and ask them which of the two they wanted to wear. It worked like a charm and helped me avoid those stressful mornings before school, so I expanded it to foods (they could pick two foods that they hated to put on a "yuck" list; they didn't have to eat those two things but they had to try everything else) and TV viewing (they got to pick their top 7 weekly shows to watch after dinner), etc.

I think it works because: 1) It's an objective, simple request, and seems to derail some of the emotional stuff that comes with a more frustrated or judgemental approach and 2) It allows the other person to have some control and choice.

It sounds simplistic but I think these complex, emotional situations have to start somewhere and if you ask your daughter, for example, "I need some help; would you rather cook dinners or do dishes?" maybe that would work for a beginning and you could expand to other things like where to keep belongings, who pays for what, etc. Just a thought.

I hope it works out. These things aren't easy.

Jillybird

I too have been that daughter, and I think it’s because of the harsh way I was treated, that made me a bit of a pushover with my own daughter

I only went home as an absolute last resort, and to this day, I wish I could have found another way

But, there has to be a happy medium, I agree that you have to have boundaries, and it’s obviously better for your child, if they have to take on adult responsibilities, and also for your grandchildren, but your daughter is always your daughter, and sometimes it’s hard to get tough

It is hard when ou have a medical condition that gives you trouble, especially tiredness and their are such conditions that you can do nothing about, as I know. But with help and support your daughter could have a more ionised life. Give her a routine of jobs and include an hours rest each day. Does she contribute financially to the household or does that all fall on you. If it does all fall on you then you could ask that she pays half of some of the bills. You seem to enjoy having the gc so I understand why they are with you. Just be firm, have that talk and set down some boundaries and rules.

I really feel for you here.
My situation was almost identical with one of my DD, who moved in with me when eldest DGC was a new born. From the off unfortunately, we slipped into mother and stroppy teenage mode! And I ended up with all the house work, all the laundry, virtually all the child care and nearly no financial contribution! This went on until DGS was 7, when she moved in with new OH.
Earlier this year they separated and she is now a single parent again but this time in her own home which is a vast improvement!
My DD also has a chronic health condition too,so I do understand how easily the situation you describe can occur.
Is there any way in which you could assist DD to move into her own home (Close by) that way she may regain her independence and you get some of your life back?
With my DD having her own place has been so much better for her mental health and self esteem. Possibly your DD is feeling disenfranchised by moving back into the parental home and that is effecting her mental health?

Well, I won't pull any punches as you know and admit you've let things get to the state they're now in.
My advice would be to:
1) Get her to see a doctor about her medical issues as it's not normal to have pains, tummy upsets, headaches and tiredness without some underlying cause.
When those issues are clarified you could
2) encourage her to find her own accommodation and be a proper mum to her children.
She's an adult and should be sorting out her own life instead of telling you how unwell she is without doing anything about it.
You have 2 choices. Do nothing and live with an adult who acts like a child for whom you do everything or
Follow my advice or something approximating it.

I’m sorry I haven’t read all of the messages. What screams out at me is boundaries - you have not implemented any boundaries. Why should she make any effort if you are not setting responsibilities for her.
Would seem fair for her to do laundry and ironing. If dust gets up her nose you hoover and dust. Then share the cooking / tell her you won’t accept a takeaway and anyone can throw a chicken in the oven and cook some fresh veggies.
She’ll never pick up her responsibilities if you don’t empower her /whilst you allow her to shirk them the situation will never improve.
Cook together / do laundry together / whilst the children are your grandchildren they are her responsibility 100% not yours.
Baby steps needed here in the beginning however they need to be made.
I often take family phones away for a couple of hours so we can cook chat etc with no distraction. Personally I’d start the battle to win the war!!! Otherwise you have years of this ahead of you.
Might seem harsh and might be worth it. Stop pussy footing around.
Get her health issues /depression sorted out in the deal too.
You are actually not doing her any favours allowing her to waddle around in all of this.
Sort out access / care for children and move on. Excuse if it all seems harsh however tough love never hurt anyone. Good luck and she’s lucky having a wonderful Mum and GM in you x

I wouldn’t stand for it. She is an adult, tell her if she wants free rent she needs to do half the chores. Her older child is at school so not hard. I would tell her the housework required, and which days eg hoovering and laundry Mon, Wed and Fri. Cooking dinner Tues, Thurs and Sat. If she wants to get a takeaway then she pays and gets it. If she doesn’t do the chores then you don’t do yours. Vacuum only your room. Wash only your clothes. Cook for yourself. Shop for yourself. Sometimes tough love is needed.

Thinking about this, I was reminded of the TV programme 'Life Laundry' - and, more recently, Netflix 's tidying-up with Marie Kondo. When people are surrounded with stuff and clutter, it is very difficult for them to think straight. Could you and your daughter sit down to watch something such as these to start a discussion about how to reclaim the house do that it is an enjoyable place to live and bring up children? My other thought is the 'makeover' kind of idea: if she and the children could go away for a week, could you have a huge clear-out and and welcome her back into a tidy, well-organised home with new ground rules?

I hope the four of you can find a way to continue as a household that supports each other. Best wishes.

Listen to gingergirl

I agree with Jillybird and well done you Jillybird ?

Some people use the excuse of heath issues to just be plain lazy and others allow situations to continue for years and then wonder why they are unhappy about it. Both apply here. You know what it is that you need to do, it's the very thing you should have done from day 1 and that is to lay down the rules of living together and stick to them!

Hi and I think this will be easier for you, when you’ve really convinced yourself that she does need to be treated like an adult-even by you. Then, you will be able to lay down some ground rules, remind her, you’re getting older and energy is less these days, and if she wants to stay there, she must pull her weight by contributing with......cooking (not takeaways), cleaning, etc. If she dismisses this, I agree with a rota system. It’s regrettable but in this day and age many of us have been drawn into ‘spoiling’ (as previous generations would call it) our adult children. Think about what you want....and deserve...and stick to your guns. Don’t intervene in her personal life -she needs to learn to be independent-don’t allow her to use your own personal space any more (her things can go in the garage)....and if all else fails, you would be justified in reconsidering the whole set up. This is being a parent....encouraging our children to stand on their own two feet and be self sufficient and ultimately, fulfilled people. That will never happen, if as parents we fight all their battles, big and small, for them.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

There's an old Chinese saying: "make yourself a doormat and people will wipe their feet on you". I'm afraid this is what has happened but for good reasons on your part. Maybe being a doormat is part of being a wife and mother idk but it has happened to me too and eventually you resent it but getting out of it is easier said than done.
I am wondering if getting in a professional to help declutter might be a good idea? This way no arguing between you and your daughter and if she is feeling depressed and lethargic it won't take much effort on her part. I am sure you will all feel psychological better to have such a clear out. Then things can move on from there.

It's time she grew up, moved out and took responsibility for her own children. I know that sounds hard, but why should she take over your house like this. Yes, I get that she has health issues, I've had some terrible health issues too, and eight operations, but throughout all that I've cared for a disabled mum and a son with learning difficulties and run a business.

I don't think this situation is helping either of you. Can't she move out? She must be entitled to housing benefit or other financial assistance. Are you in a position to help her to get advice with this? Is her father still around, can he help?

This will not work long term and will just lead to increasing resentment. What will she do when you can't cope any longer? Having an illness is no excuse for a failure to grow up.

I know it's difficult but you need to tackle it now. It must be exhausting to have a child who hasn't grown up and behaves like a sulky teenager, but add in two young children, whom you take responsibility for, and I honestly don't know how you manage. You will make yourself ill if you are not careful.

I take my hat off to all you lovely mums who have welcomed your adult children back into your homes (with or without their children!) I know I couldn't live with my daughter again for any length of time.
The only advice I can offer OP is to try and divide the tasks fairly and stick to your guns. If your daughter was in her own home she would have ALL the responsibility wouldn't she?? Good luck ?

Another simple idea would be to put a lock on your bedroom door so at least you have a little place of sanctuary while dealing with everything x

I know exactly how you feel I have a 28yo DD and 2yo GD living with us I do all the babysitting house work cooking etc.. my DD doesn't even ask anymore if I'll babysit and just goes.
It's definitely hard to talk to them as they don't listen. Only plus side with us is that's she's hoping to move out soon.
The only thing I would say is you need to talk before you end up having the war and it causes an irreparable damage to your relationship. Good luck

When you cook, don't cook for her. When you do the laundry, don't do hers. If she gets in a takeaway, don't join in... and so on. Just look after yourself and your grandchildren.

Finally, tell her that if she doesn't keep the bedroom tidy, you'll take action. Then, one day when she's been particularly slovenly, take the bed out of that room and leave it out in the garden. Put all her stuff on it, and then talk about her responsibilities.

It's not going to be easy but, if you want her to face her responsibilities, you have to face yours.

Alternatively, just stop calling yourself a doormat (because you're not), and change things one unwashed mug at a time.

Your daughter may be in the downward spiral of 'the less you do, the less you want to do'. I think you have to change your behaviour to bring about changes in hers.

You need to take the initiative (kindly but firmly) - stop doing her laundry for starters. If she's well enough to go out, she's well enough to load the washing machine. Insist that the 'overflow' in your room and hers must be sorted though - a box per day shouldn't be too arduous - the keepers to go into her room, everything else to be disposed. As she is so keen on her phone, could some things be sold on EBay? Once a little space has been created, she might get into the swing of it.
If no progress is made, say you will begin to sort it out yourself and carry through the threat. It's important not to back down.
Only you can judge how much of this situation is down to her medical problems, marital problems etc but she is indulging herself somewhat and it will continue for as long as you allow it. Be strong!

Small steps and praise her for anything she does. Tough on you especially as you are by yourself. Do you have other children? Maybe keep a journal and that will hopefully record a slow and steady improvement. I guess her confidence is probably very low as well. Well done to you for being there for her and her kids.