Help with MIL

Both my dearly loved daughters put it to me very early on in the arrival of their babies, that it is their turn now to be the Mummy. They ask for help/my thoughts only when required
My new role has to be of a Nanny. You wouldn’t employ a Nanny and have her tell you how to bring up your off spring. I love playing games with them but feed time, bath time and putting to bed time is for the new parents (unless they ask otherwise), Happiness all round ?!

It's not too hard to see the situation from both points of view. What is very wrong is the timing. The in-laws should have waited several months until the family had recovered from the addition of its new member and OP had got over the aftermath of its birth. Emotionally she would have been better equipped to deal with the invasion of the child-snatchers as she appears to see them. I can't help wondering about the new baby. We haven't been told if it's a boy or a girl. How has the little boy reacted? Is he showing signs of feeling supplanted?
Living far from their GC, it's natural that the I-Ls should wish to make the most of them. Every time they see them, there will be big changes and one day they will be teenagers without much time to spare for visiting GPs.

I agree Calli

'she's old and will die soon'.
Very harsh, Summerlove (not a very apt username btw!)

The MIL may be in her 50s and could live for another 40 or so years so it would be a good idea if the DIL and DS worked out some strategies and managed to convey to his parents that the rules in their house may differ somewhat from the way that their son was brought up - it may not be the right way, but it is their way. This can be done without causing acrimony or estrangement but it does need a mature attitude and tolerance on both sides, as Smileless says.

A wider family group can only be good for the grandchildren in the long term.

What I am seeing from the reasonable posts on this thread Summerlove is not the brushing aside of the OP's m.i.l.'s behaviour but a desire that the OP keep things in proportion and does not make a crisis out of a drama.

You're waiting to see why m's.i.l. and GP's in general can't compromise; really!! You, who posted that you wanted answers apart from 'she's old and will die soon'.

No one has condoned this GM's behaviour it's just that some of us don't condone the rush to come between a d.i.l. and her m.i.l. and a son and his mother.

When advice is given that will inevitably create a rift between a d.i.l. and her m.i.l. and a son or daughter with their mother then yes Danlan, it's very easy to see why perceived interfering GM's become "frozen out their GC's lives" and no wonder they whine; such intolerance and immaturity.

I don't think that most posters are jumping to defend the grandparents, GrauntyHelen or that any Gransnetters are condoning the way the GP behave.
I think they are trying to help the OP to find some way of dealing with the situation to find a way forward which maintains a good relationship for the sake of all concerned, particularly the small children, whilst letting the GP know in a reasonable way that this is how she and their son bring up their children.

It's a balancing act and the OP needed advice and she needs the support of her DH.

I must have missed the bit about the sheets - did they bring their own? At least that's a step in the right direction if they don't leave dirty bedding behind for the OP to deal with!!
Or did they expect their bed changed by the OP?

Hetty58 good post re really talking about feelings! In a non confrontational diplomatic way! And petty squabbles and real problems!

I think this MIL is being tactless, OTT and thoughtless and probably controlling! But hints and tears and such like are unlikely to really get through. Honest discussion about feelings and expectations just might if consistently applied and referred to as appropriate !

I think Nmm should be on Mumsnet not Gransnet. , , as she cannot see things from a Gran's point of view.
When I became a Gran to my son's first baby my husband and I were totally thrilled. We just wanted to buy things for him and see his little face light up. But a lot of the clothes we bought never saw the light of day and some of the toys ended up in the bin. Then the second little boy arrived. By now we rarely bought anything for them. We looked after them a lot as son and daughter in law both worked. We discovered that the older boy loved the Rugrats and one day I spotted some Rugrat pyjamas in a shop and bought both boys a pair. The older boy was so pleased, took them to his Mum and said "Look Mummy! Rugrats!" over and over, and she barely looked at them. Both boys are grown up now. I hope I can say my DIL likes me but I never quite feel she does, as if I get invited round by my son and after the meal she leaves the room to go somewhere,,,
These relationships can be difficult, but it is sad if doting grandparents cant spoil their grandchildren, and are merely seen as interfering old busy bodies.

What really bothers me here are the shoes. Shoes have to fit a child with a little growing space. How can they bring shoes with them and expect you to put them on your child. Anyway a child should not be in shoes until they start walking. Shoes that do not fit can damage feet as a babies bones are pliable...not actually bone... Oh and I would not bite my tongue I would tell them what I thought. This needs to be nipped in the bud as it will continue and get much worse as the children grow. How dare they....

GrauntyHelen I am unclear why you think that this thread suggests that the majority of gransnetters condone this type of behaviour.. ....?

I am much younger than many GNposters and perhaps that is why I don't jump to defend the grandparents on this sort of thread . When a grandparent acts in this way then that grandparents adult child needs to set the boundaries and defend their partner and children and their routines in their homes A MIL would most definitely not undermine me in my own home or disrupt my childs routine ! I myself would NEVER dream of voicing the criticism the OP is putting up with If this sort of behaviour is condoned by the majority of GN Grandparents and seen as acceptable then is it any wonder so many families are estranged? OP well done for keeping your temper next time insist these well of inlaws take themselves and their sheets to a Hotel!

I am absolutely astonished by this query, and by some of the responses. Your MIL wants to treat you and your children and you complain!!! Surely no children can have too much love. I also assume that, as she lives overseas, she won’t be around every year to steal the ‘joy’ of baking a cake? I will give you the benefit of the doubt because you’re obviously tired having two babies, but for goodness sake be grateful. I also assume your evil MIL raised your husband to be a nice enough chap, so just chill and be grateful.

Crikey goodmamma you definately have a MIL problem!!!! Some of us MIL do not interfere, are there when requested/required, dont buy stuff without asking first YET still get treated very badly by our DIL. I have been accused of not being interested after taking a step back when gc were first born and were spoken to badly whatever I did. It suits my dil we care for gc couple days a week but she wont allow me in their home so oh has to pick up from outside their house. My ds is stuck between us but I do not put any pressure on him (he has enough) as he is not the problem. She bad mouths us, then denies it but others hear it.
I have decided I am happy to see my gc when "allowed" but equally happy to spend my time doing things for me that make me happy. I think the OP should pick her arguments, accept the gifts, ignore the criticism or face it head on BUT MAINLY get her oh to entertain his parents when they visit. If my inlaws were overstepping I would speak to oh and if he didnt sort it, I did

GoodMama, I like your posts! In particular the comment about interfering grannies being frozen out of their grandchildren’s lives and then whining about it on this site.
A very wise woman warned my daughter’s MIL not to interfere, unfortunately to no avail, needless to say the marriage didn’t last a year!
This MIL sounds like an absolute nightmare too and her son needs to man up and put her firmly in her place!

10days can seem a lifetime if you are on edge. The new baby is only a month old if I have read this correctly and op is trying to keep a hard earned routine going. Op is surely in the throes of postnatal turmoil- not necessarily depression and getting to know her own new baby. Her husband has used up his paternity leave it seems. Time for op to be a bit firmer with the pil and I know it's hard to say the right thing but for her own sanity she has to say do come with me as I'm putting little one to bed or it's time for a nap now. The cake issue- you may well one day be really glad that someone makes a cake for you. There are an awful lot of cakes to be made. If you are set on making it,use her ingredients and ask her to write down the recipe for future use. I hate the idea of smashing cakes which is a trend butnyou could use her cake for this if she insists. As with the shoes and toys,eBay is your friend after they've left. And say that you like to take them to a shoe shop to be fitted ,would they like to come with you to make sure they fitted etc etc.
There are ways and means of getting your own way and much more fun without a showdown unless you want one.

Smiless, if you honestly truly can’t see where on this thread that OP is being told to suck it up and deal with it, showing you each instance isn’t going to help. I suggest you re-read.

I’m still waiting on why MIL/grandparents in general can’t compromise. Instead, I’m seeing a lot of I sucked it up and you should too.

Out of curiosity, what is the age of the grandparents and are they in good health? I'm just wondering why they didn't do their own laundry and generally helping out around the house.

If you really talk to them about how you are feeling (in general) you can get your message across in a friendly, diplomatic and non confrontational way. They should catch on and there will be no need to tell them to back off.

Making a big effort now to build a good relationship with them could pay huge dividends later and avoid upsetting your husband. Humour is a great help. Can you manage to laugh at yourself sometimes? Tell them you are tired and would love a meal out.

I really hope you have a peaceful, untroubled life, full of love. However, if you ever have real problems, in the future, you may need their friendship and support very much. Don't blow it now with petty squabbles.

(Memories of real problems I had - illness, disability and death of a much loved husband, being left with four children to bring up, compelled me to make this point.)

I feel so sad when I hear all the animosity voiced on this site and possibly mumsnet too.

Life isn't a bed of roses, life isn't perfect and we can all be annoying to whomsoever at times.

"Life is very short and there's no time for fussing and fighting my friend".

When we marry, we become part of a larger family. I don't think it is constructive the way some people try to wind up others even further with their negative comments, as if trying to pour oil on troubled waters and set one person against another.

Grandparents nowadays seem to have to walk on eggshells, from what I read. We love our own children/our children through marriage and their children - our grandchildren. We need to remember that our in-laws gave us (produced) our "other-half" and, as a result, our own wonderful children, their much-loved grandchildren.

My own mother-in-law used to turn up with an unannounced birthday cake. They would say - we are coming to stay for a fortnight. I may have been a little taken aback but never complained or let it come between my husband and myself. Neither set of in-laws lived close by. If anything I used to feel guilty for them not being able to see their grandchildren more often than they did.

I only had my grandad until I was four years old, my other grandparents had sadly passed away before I was born.

Rant and rave at me if you so wish.

Tell your h how you feel. Then tell them to back off.

The inlaws don't seem to be doing your children or you any harm.

My former MiL was very critical of some of my care re: children. I breastfed my 3 babies and she was horrified saying “only animals feed their own young these days”. Her son was a “Glaxo” baby who looked like he’d been blown up with a bicycle pump he was so fat. However, he did grow into a thin adult. I really wound her up when I was 8 months pregnant with 2nd child by joining DD1 on a bouncy castle. I thought she was going to have a heart attack.

You must stand your ground. My mil was awful at first...infact for many years when the kids came along...very critical. Over the years she softened. I didnt forget..but tolerated it. She died a month ago. Strange how you miss them. Take care ...hugs...xxx

It’s 10 days - seems a lifetime, but it’s TEN DAYS. Then they’re gone. Pick your fights, don’t disrupt your relationship with your husband, they are his parents after all. Bite your lip an remember - ITS T E N days.

I don't think that standing firm against a controlling MIL is causing a family split.
I had no controlling input from either my DM or MIL.
We all just got on. They were happy to be granny and let me ask for help when I needed to.
Yet my usual relationship with my DM was great so I guess I was very lucky.
I think it might be a cultural and a generational clash here.

It is not a new mum's role to be family peacemaker by subsuming herself to please her elders. They are not her betters.
If she sucks it up for 10 days then it will be repeated......better to nip it in the bud.

There is no desire from me to cause a rift in a family........there is a desire to see honest and respectful relationships develop in place of passive aggressive and dishonest ones.