Help with MIL

What does Ofc stand for please?

Well, what an interesting selection of replies here... some actually made my jaw drop!

Nmmaikra, this is your home and these are your children and your MIL is out of order with the way she is behaving. I appreciate that they want to spend time with the children, as they live so far away, but your MIL knows exactly what she is doing. She is not misguided, she is being controlling, manipulative and deliberately making you feel worthless. This woman obviously has issues. Would it help if your own mother talked to her?

Your husband needs to step up here - he should be on your side first and foremost and needs to grow up - he must talk with his parents and be firm about what is acceptable while they are visiting. Do not be afraid to make this clear to your hubby. Do not accept any lame "I'm in the middle" excuses - yes, they are his parents, but they have no say over how you bring up your own children. That is for the two of you to decide.

Your in-laws can clearly afford to stay in a hotel in future, so no more simply accepting them into your home. You need space and privacy yourselves and it will be easier for you to maintain a routine you are happy with this way. Put your foot down about this. You are the one left dealing with them while your husband is at work and you have two very young children who are your priority.

As for the gifts, accept them with good grace and then dispose of them/ keep them as you wish, when they have gone. If looking at them makes you angry, just donate them to a worthy cause - mind you, quality clothes and shoes will always come in useful and your little ones will soon grow out of them - it is your choice.

Now for the cake! What a cow! How can this be a "tradition" when she has only son this for her own child? What she means is that she wants it to become a tradition. Again, this is your home and you will make your own traditions. It is completely unacceptable to impose upon you in this way - had she talked to you about this beforehand, you would have had a chance to come up with some sort of compromise, or decline with good grace. Your son is only little, so will not remember, but you are clearly very hurt by this. If I were you, I would have another celebration when they have gone, without interference, and you can make it special just for the four of you. Your son won't know which was his "real" birthday anyway.

I know it can be hard at your young age, with two tiny children to be as assertive as you need to be here - this will come with age and experience. You are right to feel injured by your MIL's behaviour and although you may have been more accommodating to her in the past, you are having the normal feelings of a mother who knows what she wants for her own children. This is the start of settling into your role as mother/protector of your children and is to be applauded.

Sorry for the long ramble, honey. You are justified in feeling the way you do now. Do not feel guilty about this. It is important that things change in the future however, so stick to your guns or your in-laws will carry on in this way for ever. Be firm...be consistent. Quite honestly, if your husband cannot see that this is a big problem, is he even right for you?

I hope you can make some progress here and reach a positive outcome. Good luck! Xx

I didn't ever understand my mother in law until I became one and then sadly it was too late to appreciate her. We can only try our best and sadly sometimes get it wrong.

I'm with CrazyH on this one. Whilst you may justly feel undermined these gifts sound wonderful - good quality and environmentally sound. Try to appreciate them on that level, after all it means that you will not need to buy as many plastic items to add to the world's pollution problem and leather shoes are better for your son's feet as they "breathe".
Wouldn't it be worse if they bought you rubbish that you couldn't make use of?
Please don't think that I am unsympathetic but I would advise making the best of the situation and putting bitter feelings aside as these will only lead to damaged relationships.

We all know that the sons mother is damned if they do and damned if they don’t! That said, these in laws sound as if they are not at all diplomatic! Sadly there is not always a correlation between age and wisdom!

If I were the poster - I would take control and manage the in-laws. Kill ‘em with kindness! Accept the gifts ..... if you dont like the things - Sell them on eBay when they are gone. A cake? Not worth the fuss. Why not make it together? Ask her to show you how to make it. Play the game ....... we all have to sometimes.
If they are well off they can help give your children things you would like them to have. You will have to be the grown up here! You can do it! X

Goodness me you have your hands full!! Two babies in just over a year and resident in-laws albeit for only 10 days. I couldn't have coped with that AT ALL. My MIL turned up whilst I was still in hospital with our first child and visited every day with my husband (we were kept in for up to 10 days then!). I burst into tears one day as I had yet to see my husband on his own since the baby was born. The midwife threw her out!!! She had left before we came home. The relationship survived although she blatantly favoured our daughter over our son. I think you are right to set boundaries even for this short time and hope it pays dividends for any future visits. However it is a drain on your reserves. I feel for you in this situation.

Nmmaikra, if I were you I'd post this on mumsnet.
Although ideally your DH should deal with the situation but if he won't then you must. This woman is showing no respect to you or your children. You need to be more assertive otherwise she will continue to treat you like this for years to come.

I think I'd be a bit annoyed with them - you didn't "invite" them to be patronised, I'd have thought they came to see both grandchildren and to some extent got carried away.
My MiL went silly when my son was born - he was 3 days old when she saw him (he was 2 weeks early and they were away on holiday at the time) and she turned up with several outfits (unfortunately not my taste) , every day I was in hospital, a flower arrangement would arrive as well as more gifts. But when I went home, I was very much left to my own devices!
It is unkind of them to treat your home like a free hotel - especially as you have a tiny baby to care for as well- they could at least clear up after themselves and get themselves (and you) some lunch or even prep, if not cook a meal at least once during their stay.
It is really up to your husband to have a word with them - they will no doubt be upset and watch out for the flack!
As far as the birthday cake - let it go - your son will not remember it! Once they leave, make another cake and invite friends round to celebrate. Future birthdays tell them you will be away on the day and they can visit later and maybe your husband could suggest that you both love that they bring presents but could they set up an account at an eco company of their choice for you to get things as needed as it would be a shame for the items not to be worn as he may grow out of them ?

At one your son wont remember his birthday cake however make yours the main one and the one in your photos and have the other one at the side. (Or as others have suggested drop it, or mess it up and start yelling from the kitchen that next doors (imaginary) cat has got in and eaten it.

As you are the one with them all day then I think it's you who has to make things change for their next visit. Your husband having had a word with them probably wont make any difference to how they behave when they are alone with you. When they've gone home why not see if you can find an on line assertiveness course?

They gave you cashmere clothes for an infant? If so, let the child wear it and get it dirty then ask her to wash it, you don't have the time.
If she won't, put it in the washer and if it hasn't shrunk to Barbie size, either tumble dry it or give it a good manual scrubbing - it obviously needs the extra cleaning! Do they have servants at their home?
Don't let them walk all over you. If your children cry, take them to your bedroom and close the door. Your husband needs to tell them what the boundaries are.
My daughter only got clothes that could go in the washing machine and tumble dryer. Her terry nappies also went through the tumble dryer to soften them up if dried on the washing line, my Mil (horrible woman) ironed them all when I was out shopping so they were like boards.

I feel for you but it will soon be over. Just make sure that they don't come over for any more of your children's birthdays, Christmas etc: 'arrange' to be going to your parents, and say that you are going vegan so leather and wool aren't acceptable.

I would have thanked her profusely for the birthday cake and immediately put it in the freezer to 'save' until HER sons birthday!
I would then have baked MY sons first birthday cake.
I would keep the shoes and toys, you can throw them away after they've gone if you really don't want them.
I think you should have a conversation with her about money - tell her if they really want to help then they could set up a savings account for your boys which you can withdraw from when they need anything. This is what I have done for all my GC.
The sheets issue made me laugh - I have been known to take my own pillow when I used to go and stay with my son and (now ex)DIL. It was a standing joke between us but my reasoning was that I am a very poor sleeper and it really does make a difference to me.
I do hope you cope ok for the rest of their visit. I honestly think you may be a bit oversensitive so soon after giving birth. Hopefully you'll be able to laugh about it all after they've gone home. Your a great Mum, you are doing a great job so hold your head high and don't let it upset you.

I can remember having in laws who upset me when the children were little. Its a sensitive time for everyone. My advice would be, don’t let this get to you. They will be gone soon and you will go back to how things were, and the children will be no worse off for their interventions. Next time they come, insist that your husband is also at home more with them if at all possible...they’re not your parents after all. Try not to focus on every little thing they say or do. Ask your husband for more support in future, when they undermine you, but think carefully about making big changes on the basis of what has occurred. Do you really want your marriage to finish because of parents in law that live a long way off, This too shall pass....

Just nicely let them know the boundaries it's only 10 days I'm sure you could ride it outsell ,tell them you need to bring your child up the way you want to,as for the birthday ? let your little boy have both cakes

*Your

Oh, it’s not for long and she loves him. I bet if your own mum made all those suggestions you would be okay with it - actually she sounds sensible, baby wipes are a nightmare for the environment, tell her you agree that organic is best but can’t afford it, ditto plastic toys and leather shoes. In fact she sounds very sensible and aware.
With the birthday cake - you shouldn’t have cried to your mum, you should have told her straight just as you said to us- no, you did the first cake for your son, I want to do it for mine - easy.
It’s only a short time - she lives her grandson, let her indulge and make sure that you communicate when offended.

GoodMama
You’re essays are absolute crap.
HTH.

I would be angry about the shoes. I don't care whether they are leather or not, they needed to be FITTED properly. I say this as the mother of 2 boys with narrow feet and most shoes were too wide for them. Properly fitted shoes are vital.
Ask her to take them back and not do it again.
Drop the cake accidentally!!!!

When I have people staying I put up the typed meal plan for the duration of the stay on the kitchen wall. This includes the timings and menu for an uncooked breakfast, lunch, tea and cocktails/aperative before the cooked evening meal. I make sure I only cook once a day and if possible in a slow cooker or in the oven then I do not have to pay much attention to the food. I expect guests to lay the table and to help clear. I have a dish washer.

In your case I would have a set of brochures from take always who will deliver. Then your visitors could always order a meal for the whole family if they wished to substitute a preferred meal.

As your son grows up he will have friends to his birthday. I would let your inlaws have a family birthday with you and then hold his birthday with his friends after they have left.

Oh for goodness sake-this young woman doesnt need a lecture on what wipes are made of or how plastic stuff is bad for environment! Or how 'bad' non- leather shoes are-Im sure lots of kids grow up wearing less expensive shoes and are quite fine!(youre as bad as her MIL Calistemon-she needs advice on how to deal with these overbearing people,who in my opinion,should be paying to stay somewhere else when they visit,as they are well off! Youre husband needs to tell them this,as they are his parents.You need the room anyway you've got a growing family,theres no room for extra visitors who stay so long.

I had a mother in law like this . Was told our baby looked like her son n not me lol used to bring him dinners, My son was favoured more as he was a boy obviously, my daughter wasn’t taken much notice of it hurt me so much. I was very young at the time, her son my husband didn’t put a stop to her unkind remarks told me to just ignore, after few years of putting up with it I left . Have a fantastic husband now who supports me as I do him, I’m not implying drastic measures like I took. But there are some disrespectful ppl out there. And these needs nipping in the bud. No way should you ever feel upset in your own home this is where it can start. Unless you have been through it you will find it hard to understand.they need to be put firmly in their place. They are in your home. Your children. Luckily your children are very young so won’t pick up on it. But they will as they get older. Good luck love

Having so recently given birth your hormones are probably all over the place and making you particularly protective of your small children. It’s sad that your in-laws haven’t thought about this. Definitely a quiet chat with your husband tonight so that he can support you over the last few days of his parents’ visit and maybe make some happier memories... all the best

If that was your mother, how would you handle this situation?

Wow stick them in a nearby hotel and tell them the truth. You want to make your own memories with your own children. Get your husband to talk to them.

I haven't read all the posts here, so forgive me if I miss something.

It's ten days. Long, I know, but not too long. Accept their gifts with a good heart. (You can either use them or not.)

No way would I do guests' washing! Don't! They either do it themselves or take home their dirty washing!

It feels, to me, that the moment they arrive, you are stepping back. Don't! This is your home, your children. They should be fitting in with you - not the other way around. You must be strong about this! The children go to bed when you say. They eat what you say they should. You are the mother and mistress of your home. They are the guests!

You shouldn't have let your MIL make your son's birthday cake! Don't let it happen again!

(Sorry to nag!)

This appears to be a battle - but a battle you must win! And you will, if you become more assertive and sure of yourself. And you must win it with a good heart and cheerfulness. (You don't want to cause upset in the family.)

Good luck!

Goodmama???? Just what??????