Help with MIL

I hate it when people say "It's Dhs aprents so he needs to say something"

You're the one who's upset so just tell her! Get rid of ehr cake and make your own. Also seeing as they're so well off, why can;t they stay in a hotel?

OP, your ILs sound like a horror to me, especially MIL! She makes my difficult MIL of years ago look like a gentle dove! And you're expected to spend 10 days w/ her twice a year? Whoa! You have my sympathies.

'I feel like she is having a hard time letting go of the mother role and transitioning into grandmother."

I agree. And I would understand that except that she doesn't even seem to be trying. That's why, for example, I wouldn't use her cake (might put it in the freezer for another day). Two cakes are all right, IMO, but not if MIL is competing w/ mum, which clearly, your MIL is.

As for the gifts, I don't get the impression you mind them so much as the bragging and criticism that comes w/ them. I agree w/ PPs (previous posters) that you should accept the gifts graciously. But call a halt to the unnecessary comments about "ingredients." Let them know you and your kids aren't interested in that.

Overall, I agree w/ PPs who say you need to set boundaries. First, IMO, you need to decide in your own mind what limits you wish to set. Then talk it over w/ DH, you may find you have to make some compromises w/ him, but don't agree to anything that makes you unhappy. Finally, you two will have to present your boundaries to your ILs.

Will they have some limits of their own that they want to assert? Perhaps. But they are in YOUR home interacting w/ You and YOUR children, so you two get the final say.

You haven't said yet if it would be possible for them to stay in a hotel or a B & B. Since they seem to be well off, I don't see why not. In fact, that may have to be one of your boundaries - Yes, they can come and stay 10 days, but it has to be in a B & B, and they can only come over every other day or for X number of hours each day, etc. (you and DH may have to do some negotiating w/ each other on that one). Make other appointments if you have to, so that you and the kids simply won't be there at certain times, etc. Be kind and gracious, but be firm.

Good luck! And please let us know how things pan out.

Your husband needs to step up to the plate on this one. Its not fair of him to be at work when his parents are visiting from such a long way. They need to see him as well, so next time he takes the time off. It is also up to him to have a word with them as well about boundaries. The birthday cake should have been baked by you as its your child. If there is a next time they come over visiting suggest he tell them to stay in a hotel nearby. He can make all sorts of reasons for this, such as he can visit them and have time with them or that the house just doesn't have the room at this stage, its more comfortable for them etc. etc. It is up to him. You have your hands well and truly full with two young children especially with a newborn. The old saying that "fish and guests go off after three days" is so true. A bit much. Good luck. Bunker down for the last few days and phew!!

pinkquartz and Oswin, yes, I was a little harsh, maybe to counteract all the messages of (unhelpful, I feel) validating 'support'. Yes, I do remember quite clearly feeling upset as a new mum, especially with the first, changing hormones, exhaustion etc. but there was no time to dwell on feelings, just notice them and a focus on looking after the kids.

She is feeling sorry for herself and obsessing about how she feels rather than taking practical steps to improve the situation.

She has the time and energy to write a long and detailed post on here when she could, instead, just ignore the minor stuff and have a little chat with MIL about needing to follow her own routine.

Oswin, she doesn't have to clean up and run around after them, she chooses to. She could decide to leave it all and get her husband to do it later instead. Maybe they'd take the hint before then.

Pinkquartz, I appear unsympathetic because sympathy just doesn't help. She can change her attitude and decide to weather the storm for the few remaining days. The initial effort to be relaxed, friendly and easygoing is well worth the rewards.

Hetty in what way is the op spoiled.
She has a month old baby, she shouldn't be in the position of hosting.
They are treating her badly.
What kind of person stays at the house of a mother with a month old and expects them to clean up after them?
You think the op is spoiled because she isn't glad to run around after them because they are her elders.

Hetty58 yes we do disagree.....
The baby is new and the older child is coming up to just 1 year old.
That is a lot for a young mum to handle. She can't be very confident or she would have asserted herself already.

I agree that she is making too much about the presents though. I would let that go.
Ditto the cake.
But I don't think she is spoilt I think she is low in mood perhaps a PND and I cannot understand why all these older women are so down on her
I just don't get that.
Have you forgotten those early days? I was surprisingly ok, but I have listened to my mother telling her story and she was so scared. Becoming a mum is a big deal and perhaps the OP need more time to get her confidence and then her MIL being so controlling is just wrong.
I really didn't like your comment about two kids not being rocket science and how will she cope when they are teenagers?
You grow into it is the answer and maybe two young kids is overwhelming at first.
I won't say anymore except that I can't believe how unsympathetic you and many other Grans are.
If the OP gets her confidence then she can have a great relationship with MIL. And that is what I wish for her.
But she is at that stage yet.
Why are you so down on her?

Pinkquartz, I disagree. Let's take another look at the original post and the list of 'crimes' the in-laws are accused of:

'being home with them 24/7, as my husband works during the day' - why not choose to go out, with or without them - and do different, interesting things?

Their comments and gifts (quality of) - choose to ignore comments and accept gifts (no need to use them though) - surely not a problem.

MIL doesn't respect decisions for child (takes over) - now that one does require polite assertiveness and a little discussion - but obviously the OP has chickened out. MIL can't do these things without being allowed to.

Birthday cake - really? Does it really matter if there's an extra cake - it's only a cake - how petty!

I think the OP is perhaps a little spoilt and having trouble adapting and being a good host. She only has two small children to look after. It's hardly rocket science. If she can't cope now how on Earth will she manage when they're teenagers?

I can't see any posts encouraging hostility.
However I think universally it is agreed that a new mum and a mum with a new born deserve support and respect. It is not the time to cater to grandparents.
Grandparents should know better than to take control.

Hetty58 you point the finger at parents but what about the older and wiser grandparents behaving harmoniously?

The OP is here because she is stressed. We don't have to know both sides to know that she needs support and as having two very small humans to love and take care of I think she is the priority.

What bothers me immensely about a lot of threads on here?

We only know part of the story, one person's view, and yet we tend to get an overwhelming response of sympathy, agreement, support and praise. The complainer is predictably reassured of the validity of her ideas, encouraged to escalate hostilities further, to act aggressively, to limit or stop contact etc. How is that helpful?

Some of us try to illustrate the other's point of view, encourage understanding, even (Heaven forbid) point out where the OP may have got things wrong and suggest compromise. We are then condemned as taking the 'other side', pronounced evil, just as bad as those complained about, agreeing with them. It's just silly!

Problems are very rarely one sided and usually both parties need to change their attitudes and behaviour. Children are very sensitive to atmospheres. They need good role models (especially from parents) to enable them to get along with others and enjoy their lives.

Parents, please be ever aware of the examples you are setting them - good or bad.

Me too Theoddbird It might seem like a small thing but it is really important that shoes are properly fitted and only worn if really necessary. The grandparents need to know that. They could always give cash to pay for leather shoes.

Pythagorusgood post which IMO was all the better for being typed when you weren't wearing your glasses.

Nmmraika I am assuming you dont live in Europe as you say you "live by the ocean" whereas here we would would mostly say live by the sea. Plus your parents live 12 hours away.
Here is what I get from your post you have an almost one year old DS and DS2 is three weeks old and your husband has gone back to work after his paternity leave. You are just getting into a routine of being mummy to two young babies who both need a lot of input from you. DS1 just getting to learn he now has to share his mummy. In come PILs for a 10 day stay. Sounds great as they could take some pressure by keeping the running of the house going while you concentrate on your babies and there's still plenty of time to enjoy the babies too. But no that's not at all what is in MIL's mind. She has come as a guest just to enjoy her GC. She is in the wrong in my opinion because when you go to stay at a home where there is a new baby you go there to help smooth the way for the new parents. It's now the weekend and hopefully you DH is at home to take the pressure off you with them. Plus the end of the visit is now in sight. I think your husband should have a word with his mother with your support that his children need regular nap and sleep times and that she should not interfere with that and perhaps a bit more support around the house would have been more helpful.
As for the presents I would thank her for them but say you would prefer that she didn't buy him shoes unless she is with you and him as you want him to have properly fitted shoes. Please dont let her make you feeel inferior by her choice of presents. Remember her son chose you. After they have gone you and DH can sit and discuss future visits from them. As you say that they have plenty of money they could easily stay in a hotel to take the pressure off you.
We live abroad and always stay in hotels when visiting our children in England because it gives us more freedom. Good luck

A Nanny is not a Grandmother though, Acer.

Have they gone home yet?

I presume that when the OP first posted on the 24th July it was not the start of the 'holiday' and she was reaching the end of her tether.

It is the reason perhaps for some estrangement but not all

World peace!

Sorry about my misspellings. Can’t find my glasses!

So reading the differing replies to this post allliws is to see why we have our other forum on ESTRANGENT! A very common problem - Brought about by misunderstandings, intolerance on both sides, lack of good gentle communication ...... what hope for work peace! We have I am sure all been guilty of thinking we are right! And the other person is being unreasonable! We have to look at the bigger picture. X

She is overstepping and should not have made the cake. i would have asked you if you want help or would like to know a family tradition. Not to take over. As for wipes...I would not worry about the environment right now with two little ones! And why do you need organic or wood toys? Ten days is too long IMO. We ask our daughter in law how long is good for a visit and what we can or can't do to help. As a young mother I wanted my kitchen and baby arrangements decided by me and my husband. My mother in law was wonderful to us and our boys and wasn't pushy. It can be a touchy situation and I hope you will voice your concerns in a caring and non defensive way-hard to do I know.

Nmmaikra . It looks to me like you have a very caring and generous MIL. People that can afford it often give more expensive gifts etc. They obviously have accepted you as their DIL and love the little ones as their own. Don't feel like they are undermining you in any way. Accept the gifts let your children wear and enjoy the toys. And when the MIL takes over the care of the children take that time to relax and appreciate that you have a MIL that loves to be of help, (some MILs don't even like the DIL. after all 10 days is a very short time and you will have the children until they leave home. Set a few boundries eg; sleep times and put them to sleep your self. Sometimes the oldies can teach us a few things if we allow ourselves to listen and not be offended with their advice.

Good Mama. Are you for real. You certainly don't sound like you would be a good mama etc, you are coming across as very bitter. You have nothing positive to say or good, would be better if you didn't say anything at all.

well firstly i agree with the outlaws. baby wipes are so bad for the enviroment.....wearing leather tell them you are vegan
...i would grit my teeth as they are only here for 10 days. kind of humour them and say oh maybe you could teach me a bit more enviromentally friendly items....you need to stand your ground ,its your house .you do it your way..how about a bit of give and take .share the children ,but say firmly this is how i do it ...

New mothers should be looked after not expected to be maids and cooks for grandparents. Kind thoughtful grandparents are more likely to be welcomed back than selfish ones whose visits are endured rather than enjoyed at best or avoided. We've had our shor at being mums, it's time to support our daughters or daughters in law. At very least do not create any extra work for the new mum. If you want to be waited in, use a hotel. , And time visits for when the older baby us likely to be awake and remember that such a young child does need his mother, when he is older things will be different, so make sure further visits will be joyful for everyone bit just you. And no criticism in anything, and no advic3 either . You did it your way let mum do it her way.

When we got married, we had three children in less than three years. My parents lived three hours away and were working full time, so we didn't see much of them. My husbands parents were retired, and were also a three hour drive. We invited my inlaws down twice a year, once at Christmas for a fortnight and then in the summer, for a fortnight. We often had them for a week at Easter too and visited their home every couple of months. My mother in law could be incredibly hard work...my father in law was a sweetie...but they were both quite old and quite strict. Early on my MIL told me to stop breast feeding after three months...I used to laugh, my youngest I fed till he was 5! I used to love them coming, made a huge fuss of them, spoiled them as much as I could.....but made sure I managed to avoid any direct interference with bringing up our children. I enjoyed them fussing the kids....but if they overstepped the mark, I would intervene. As long as you are around when they are, I really don't think your children are going to suffer by not having you to comfort them when they need you....if you feel they are being 'comforted' by their Granny when they are trying to reach you, just sweep in and say 'Time for mummy cuddles'. Honestly, grandparents are just mums and dads who have been there, brought up their kids and are now enjoying their own childrens kids. I have two grandsons and love having them here, but like most grandparents, I enjoy handing them back at the end of the day. Don't worry, they are probably just trying to spend as much time with their grandkids that they will have memories....ten days is a short period of time....don't stress it.....they will be gone soon.

I am still baffled by the comments encouraging the OP to put up with the MIL's ways...The OP has a young baby and a one year old.
She enough on her plate.
Supporting behaviour is not to be controlling it is about giving mum the help she needs .
It is not about the MIL's needs.
When the children grow a bit more then the GP's can spoil them. But not yet it is far too soon.

There should not be rift because the OP is respected in her own home, And it is up to her to decide when it is time to involve her husband.