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Advise about days out with daughter

(23 Posts)
Juicylucy Thu 25-Jul-19 12:42:32

Firstly I’ve been on GN for few years but used to be under the name of Tessa101 but after phone upgrade I had to change my user name for some reason. Sorry just wanted to clear that up.
My lovely daughter and her family have just returned to the UK to live after living in Oz for 8 years.We have a lovely relationship and she’s moved to 5 minutes away from me.
My dilemma and it’s making me anxious when I’m not an anxious person is.
Since her return 6 weeks ago she keeps planning on things to do which involves me. I love and appreciate being involved however, they all cost money that I hadn’t budgeted for. I work part time and have small savings but I find I’m dipping into my savings more than I wanted to. Because it’s summer holidays she wants to take my 2 granddaughters to various things as they have missed out on since being in Oz. She has brought me tickets for certain events but I still have meals to pay for parking and petrol to contribute to. Do I mention it to her that it’s making me anxious in fear that she will either stop asking me or keep offering to pay for me which I don’t want either. Or do I wait till she mentions the events as they come up and say if you don’t mind I’ll give this one a miss. My other thing is I’ve waited for this moment for her to return to the family fold for 8 years and I don’t want her to feel like I’m not joining in now she is back. I can discuss things with her and she’s a sweet matured lady and very understanding but I’m trying to work out how to broach the subject without either of us feeling obliged.I like to hear any of your thoughts ideas on this as I’m getting myself in a tiss as weekend approaches there are another 2 days out planned.

Gonegirl Thu 25-Jul-19 13:06:20

Could you not try to manage the events coming up in the school holidays? Then after that, gently explain that you are feeling the pinch a little bit. So long as you will enjoy going on the trips of course.

Gonegirl Thu 25-Jul-19 13:07:59

You could alwlays make a joke of it.Something like, when presenting your paying card murmer "Gosh, hope this doesn't take me into the red". wink

Juicylucy Thu 25-Jul-19 13:12:39

Gonegirl thank you. I like the comment when going to pay. That’s subtle without raising the subject. I’ll keep that one in mind.

midgey Thu 25-Jul-19 13:38:13

I have been known to say to my family that ‘it’ll’ have to wait for payday/pension day.

Granarchist Thu 25-Jul-19 13:40:13

tell the truth. Its always worth it. Just explain as you did in your post. If you don't she will never know and you will worry.

GoodMama Thu 25-Jul-19 14:17:21

Juicylucy, i'm so happy for you that your daughter has returned and you have a close relationship.

I have to disagree with Gonegirl, being passive aggressive will only make it awkward and uncomfortable for her. Now she will be wondering and worry as well,

Midgey and Granarchist give wonderful advice. Just be honest. Let her know your situation calmy, kindly and without a hint of snark. She will no doubt inquire more about your situation and you can use that as an opportunity to explain your worries about not being invited at all anymore.

Have you suggested outings with her and the children that would be fun for all of you? A picnic in the park. A lot of times in the summers movie theaters offer deep discounted admission for matinees. Cook with the children.

I'm sure there are plenty of activities that you could come up with so you can still have quality time with them that don't involve attending the pricier events.

Juicylucy Thu 25-Jul-19 15:37:11

Thank you. Some of the things are not expensive but i think it’s the regularity in which they are becoming that is bothering me and it’s only first week of school holidays.I am steering more to having a little chat with her and being honest and explaining as we have always been honest but was just worried that she may think I don’t want to get involved.

Jane10 Thu 25-Jul-19 15:42:45

Could you suggest some activities in your house? Baking with the girls, a dominoes session? A 'girls night in' with films and popcorn?
After the summer holidays things might settle down.
It must be so wonderful to have them home again.

Sara65 Thu 25-Jul-19 15:44:14

It’s very easy to get carried away, I have one daughter, whose partner never want to do anything, and we feel sorry for our daughter and grandchildren, so regularly get involved in outings, even ones that sound inexpensive, can still cost more than you expect

I’m probably the last person to offer advice, because I’m useless at saying no. But hopefully you’ll feel better knowing you aren’t the only one

Hithere Thu 25-Jul-19 16:42:40

Your dd is clearly happy to be back to the UK and have such a close relationship with you

Is she aware about your financial situation?
You and your dd need to sit down and talk boundaries, what you expect of her, what she expects of you and reach an agreement

GoodMama Thu 25-Jul-19 16:43:32

Good luck to you Juicylucy, I'm sure it will all work out. Both you and your daughter have good intentions for each other. A little bit of communication will go along way. Good on you for stepping out of your comfort zone and discussing it with her. I'm sure she will be grateful to understand where you are coming from and that you still very much want to see them.

Fun days at your house or theirs, or a park seem like a great idea. Maybe trade off, one week yours, next week theirs, next week a park, next week an outing.

You can search Pinterest of the web for fun and inexpensive activities that are age appropriate for the children. There are tons of ideas for projects, experiments and experiences that you can do at home for very little expense.

sodapop Thu 25-Jul-19 17:00:25

Be honest with your daughter Juicylucy she is an adult and can cope with this.Several good ideas here about how to spend time with your grandchildren without spending too much money.

Juicylucy Thu 25-Jul-19 22:30:05

Thank you all so much it’s such a help. I think where the issue is, it’s that she’s choosing to take them to places they’ve missed out on being in Oz as she’s told the girls about when she went there as a child. They are 14 & 9 so both like different things but happy to go along for each other. You just don’t realise the money spent on a simple day out. But I’ve had some lovely helpful replies and I’m going to have a chat to her over the weekend. Hope you are all surviving this warm weather.

Almostemptynesty Fri 26-Jul-19 22:05:07

Be honest. Be kind.

Tell her that you're on a limited income.

My own mother was on a limited income and we often paid. It is what families do.

My mother had a strict budget ...and a set amount that she spent on presents. Frankly, it helped me bc I wasn't obligated to spend a lot on my nieces.

If you're not honest, you'll hurt her feelings bc she'll think you don't want to do things with her.

If she's newly back, she may not realize your circumstance.

Tangerine Fri 26-Jul-19 22:48:52

Just tell her the truth. She probably doesn't realise.

BradfordLass72 Sat 27-Jul-19 04:04:46

You don't need to fear she'll think you don't want to be involved because surely you will tell her you do?

I can see that this spree of excitement, showing the children the places and things she enjoyed is temporary but she still needs to be aware that your budget is limited. I'm sure you can put it in loving terms, especially if she's such a sweetheart of a girl.
I have high hopes that you'll do it. I'm sure you have been worrying for nothing smile

Maybe you can make a list of all the fun things to do which don't cost anything. Then when the girls come to stay with you, there are happy things to look forward to for you all.

Just by the way - I used to do this, having virtually no budget at all for my boys' leisure activities and one of the things they found exciting was going up to the top of the (then) tallest building in the city and looking out over the harbour, beaches and offices.
Next in line were picnics on the beach or park and the museum.

Dawn22 Sat 27-Jul-19 07:23:38

Be very very very grateful that this is your difficulty.?????

Sara65 Sat 27-Jul-19 07:27:30

You’re right Dawn, sometimes when I feel I’d love a bit of child free time, I stop and count my blessings

crystaltipps Sat 27-Jul-19 09:00:22

Is it just the expense or that you don’t want to go on so many outings to places that don’t interest you? Where are you going that’s so expensive? Couldn’t you suggest a picnic instead of eating out? Or just tell her you would rather spend time with them at home/ the park/ beach/ countryside as the outings she has planned have all been a bit too much for you.

glammanana Sat 27-Jul-19 09:29:25

JuicyLucy Your daughter will be very understanding when you have a little chat with her,and remember that your DGDs will be returning to school in 6 weeks time so time for trips and days out will be curtailed as they get settled into new schools they will be spending a lot of time doing homework and projects at the week-end. x love the new name flowers

Juicylucy Sat 27-Jul-19 20:19:13

Dawn22 I am very grateful, as I’m aware of other folks issues and struggles as opposed to mine.
Crystaltipps it’s just the expense, my DD is buying the tickets for various events and more than happy to buy mine as she wants me there, however when you add up that I contribute to petrol, parking,ice creams then lunch & dinner each outing is costly, and by the end of the week I’ve spent over £100.
Glammanana I’ve had a chat with her and as I thought she was very understanding she just wants me to share the looks on the girls faces when they experience new things. We’ve agreed that I’ll choose which outings I’ll go on before she buys the tickets and on other days I’ll have the children for a less expensive day out with me. As you say it will all die down soon as they start there new schools. So I’ll hopefully be able to top up my funds then. It’s just abit worrying when you see them depleting like they are. Bradfordlass thank you for your reply. In fact thank you for all replies I feel a lot better now.

Grammaretto Sat 27-Jul-19 21:02:49

I empathise. You want to be generous but are truly shocked by the prices especially when they are multiplied.
I see our youngest family about once a month and usually offer to take them out to lunch or tea at least once.
The place they like best costs about £60 for the 3 adults and 2 tinies. For such a simple meal it seems extortionate to me.
I gulp and pay up but I usually think this is a daft waste of money. To be fair, I haven't been for a while.

Maybe coming from Oz she has forgotten how high the prices and entrance fees are here.
I know my American cousin was surprised staggered to find she was paying £200 for a meal out for 6 of us. She was fumbling for a £40 tip because in the States you are expected to tip 20%. We stopped the high tip and gave her half back later.
Such good ideas Bradfordlass.
I hope it works out well for you Juicy