pen how did you get the information that he can’t claim UC?
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Adult son advice please
(61 Posts)My son is 25 and a NEET. Not by choice but he is struggling to get anything beyond the odd day of casual work.
He underperformed at school; if you talked to him you would think him one of the brightest people you'd ever met but nevertheless an expensive education only left him with two Ds and an E at A level. I have recently discovered that he couldn't actually handwrite properly and he's been working on that. I think that he might be mildly autistic but he's never been diagnosed.
His schooling was disrupted by our move abroad when he was 12. He went then to a British International School and unfortunately found himself as part of the first cohort to take the International Baccalaureate Middle Years Programme, rather than GCSEs. It was not terrifically successful for anyone and certainly not for my son, though he did scrape a pass.
At his choice he then went to another school to do A levels. This period coincided with a marked deterioration in my husband's health and I took my eye off the ball. Son went through a bad patch, mixed with the wrong crowd, and generally didn't put his back into his work. His A level results were entirely justified.
On leaving school he did a year of basic accountancy training at evening classes but gave it up. At the same time he got a job in some sort of financial services start up but it folded. After messing about for a while he finally decided to try teaching English as a foreign language. He did a training course and then lived in Europe for a year but couldn't earn enough to keep himself and finally returned after a year, much skinnier.
His father died a few months later and son and I returned to the UK at the end of 2016. I found a reasonable job with little difficulty but he has found nothing. He has been rejected for real work, voluntary work, access courses, foundation degrees - you name it, he hasn't been able to get it.
He's not horrible. A bit shy, a bit diffident. Horribly depressed and dejected, of course. He speaks with a posh accent which might put some people off but surely not everyone. He leads a pretty blameless life nowadays.
One thing which has surfaced recently was that a websearch of his name plus our town leads to an article about a violent criminal of the same name. Not my son of course but it appears that at least one college rejected him because they thought it was him. They purported to reconsider once the mistake was pointed out to them but rejected him again.
One final point - he is apparently unable to claim Universal Credit (all that's available in our area) because I earn (just) too much. Which also seems to mean that he cannot access any governmental help to get out of this hole.
My godson is living a parallel life to your son, apart from the moving abroad, it’s pretty similar, he did finish university with a pretty poor degree, that was ten years ago, and he hasn’t done a days work since.
He applied for jobs in the first year, for which he was woefully under qualified, and then just seemed to give up, he lives at home, isn’t lazy, spends a lot of time gardening, which he’s become good at, has not a single friend, has never applied for benefits because he has a small trust fund, and at 32, leads a very strange life, never had a girlfriend, or boyfriend and is socially very awkward
My friend is worried sick about him, but just doesn’t know how to snap him out of it
OPs son is 25 - I am convinced her income is an utter and complete irrelevancy to the amount he will receive. It’s really not on to allow such false information to stand OP and maybe mislead others. It’s just not fair.
pen50
even for voluntary work, nobody wants to know him. It's very odd
Yes it is.
In the charity shop where i work we have one woman on a restraining order and one with an ASBO. We also had a volunteer with anger issues who was let go when he picked up a knife in the kitchen ?
There must be something wrong.
Could he be refused benefits because he has been working abroad and has no benefit payment history?
I think you should also consider the effect his father's death has had on him. I think even more that a psychological assessment could be the way forward.
Two points MOnica - OP says they’ve been back in UK since 2016 and secondly, he doesn’t need a contribution record to claim the means tested version of UC/JSA . And anyway, the point I’m making is that her income is irrelevant
OP are you telling us what he’s told you ie his version of reality?
I'm confused. My son who is diagnosed autistic (your son shows similar traits but that could mean anything) though only mildly compared to some, receives UC that is all that is available in our area. I don't believe our income reflects on him. What they do take into account is the fact that living at home he has no rent or utilities to pay so he does not get the maximum payment.
My son has worked inturnships but never been offered paid work. He's 28 and never worked, not for want of trying. He is currently doing an OU course for which he recieved a grant. Maybe something for your son to consider.
I checked his UC entitlement myself on a benefits calculator and at the time it definitely said that he was due nothing because of my income. It has occurred to me that now he's 25 the situation might have changed so I've asked him to go through the procedure again. Fingers crossed.
Sara the being friendless and socially awkward is the same as my son. It's heart breaking to see them suffer this.
I believe my son will never leave home. I know his sister will be a great advocate for him when we are not around as she already is but it is a worry.
He would still be entitled to a lower level under 25. Where is there a question about your income on the UC form?
I don't know where you live but if you have high immigrant numbers teaching ESOL might be an option if your son has the CELTA qualification? If no paid work he could volunteer.
I think you could be right that benefits change at 25.
I think the changes at 25 are to do with housing benefit, not benefits paid to job seekers.
There is a scheme where you can be a language assistant in Spain. The pay is OK and you can supplement it with private lessons. Meddeus or the British Council.
Something doesn't feel quite right here OP. I don't mean to be critical but at 25, should he be responsible for himself?
Perhaps the loss of his father has badly shaken him?
The UC application asks a question about household income. It defines household as including anyone who's related to you.
pen there must be something wrong with how you are interpreting the form surely. If your son were living with a partner, then her income would be taken into account in assessing his income but you are not his partner are you? Your income is irrelevant. If you were claiming housing benefit or council tax benefit ( or whatever its now called) then your benefit could be affected because you have a non- dependent living with you. Please do talk to someone about this because I’m sure I’m right
As suzie says I think household is open to interpretation. He is not part of your household as in husband/partner, dependant. In this case as an adult I would say he was for want of a better word a lodger.
As I said in my previous post DS gets UC and lives with us. I don't remember having to give any personal details on his application.
My son easily got a job in Starbucks and soon became manager.He had no A levels.
My son was in the same position, he got UC despite our household income being in excess of £80k so I think your son must be misunderstanding the form. My son did not get help with housing costs as he was living with family nor did I expect him to, I just wanted someone other than me to nag him into getting a job!
He was forced to go for interviews and worked as a kitchen porter, picking and packing, cleaning buses etc for 6 months and then got a temp to perm job with a large distributor, he's been there for a year now and is much happier. never been late and never had a day of sick plus he volunteers for any overtime going, a dream employee I would say.
Have you tried The Prince's Trust? He is coming up tothe maximum age for some things but others go up to 30. You can find details here
www.princes-trust.org.uk/help-for-young-people/programmes
OP- it might be worth getting a DBS certificate and quote the number on applications. One of my friends has an ongoing interesting situation. One of the lads in his class at school had "borrowed" his name and I think adopted this name by deed poll, this individual has a long criminal record. Friend is involved with a children's charity; everytime he needs DBS renewing there is a performance and he needs to produce extra paperwork. However he always puts on job application forms that he is not the XX with convictions for Z who lives in Y and quotes his DBS certificate number. However I am not sure how you get a DBS if an employer or charity isn't involved.
The other thing is that DS has a friend who trained as a teacher of English as a foreign language has been working in China for several years and seems to be doing very well. Comes home reguarly etc. He is roughly the same age as your DS. Would he consider this option?
Also it might be worth getting an Ed Psychologist assessment in case there is hidden dyslexia/dyspraxia. DS2 who has very high IQ was not diagnosed until he was 17- so no benefit for GSCE or AS levels but OK for A levels and University. He has an MA but has struggled to find a decent job recently.
I have had a row with my son and we have both said and done things to cause upset. I look after my GD overnight on a Wednesday and all day Thursday every week to help out with childcare costs. I tried to get him to discuss how we move forward this evening but he dropped GD off, put her to bed and went home without a word. Should we refuse to have GD until he treats us with more respect and at least gives us time to discuss an end to a repeated pattern of stubbornness and juvenile behaviour. We love having our grandchild who is almost 3, but feel totally taken for granted and can't work out how to resolve things
He might consider cooking for you both and cleaning your shared home. This at least would allow him to have some self respect.
He can learn a modern language while he is at home and that would look good on his CV . If the language was Urdu or other spoken by a minority group he could be employed as a translator. If he is slightly autistic he might be happier speaking in a foreign language than communicating in his intuitive native language.
How very strange, I have never met anyone who has not even been able to do voluntary work.
He must present as being very negative at interviews.
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