MIL's Behaviour

I think you are wasting your time trying to reason with her. If you don't see much of her then just smile sweetly and agree with what she has to say. Arguing will just frustrate you and the situation will become blown out of proportion. I wish you well.

I agree dementia could be involved here with bad behaviour. If you are ticked off about something it's best to say ok point take. It's obvious she is so stubborn you would waste your time arguing the point.

Well, I've been told I'm a wunnerful mother-in-law.

So there

My mother would have cut me off at the knees if I'd ever said "draw ring" for drawing. And when I gained weight she spoke loudly about it in front of an entire room full of people. I never knew how to deal with it at the time, but from lurking on GN I now know to say " Why do you speak to me like that ?" very loudly so others can hear you. It might just put her in her place.

Well a lack of filter can be a sign of dementia but this is somewhat different given that she has full insight into being that way and enjoys it and even takes pride in it.

"Hmm, you might be right..." in a bored distracted voice usually works on people who are goading you for a reaction.

When she says an insult could you laugh and say'Gosh I thought you said Jane was fat and needs to go on a diet. Sorry what did you really say?' Make her repeat it and act in a horrified manner and say ' That seems a really unkind think to say'

Suggest you don't visit her for a couple of weeks. If she asks why you haven't seen her you can explain that her rudeness is upsetting and you are not prepared to be spoken to in this manner and will not visit until she apologisws and modifies her behaviour. Age is no excuse.

Firstly I would wonder if she was developing dementia as we had a close family member who passed away many years after being diagnosed with it, but if she’s just being rude I would give her a taste of her own medicine, to tell a granddaughter that she was fat and to go on a diet and has let herself go is appalling. Saying she loves to upset people sounds to me as if she’s not a very happy person, why on earth would you take enjoyment out of making other people upset. Sounds a bully to me

I think I might say (pleasantly), 'Being unacceptably rude is an early sign of dementia , you know. Perhaps we'd better get you tested and put your name down for a care home, in case it's the galloping variety. I heard of someone who died of it within 2 years, and she was only in her late 60s.'

But then I am ?.

Having said that, an old aunt of dh's (no dementia) would speak her mind at the top of her voice. E.g. while we were taking her out for lunch, 'WHY DOES THAT WAITRESS WEAR SUCH A SHORT SKIRT WITH LEGS LIKE THAT??'

Or, just in the street, 'SO MANY BLACKS EVERYWHERE!!' - on seeing such a person.
Talk about cringe!

I've just realised I say draw ring

Aha! So that's who you take after?

My mouth doesn't lend itself well to the softer (I presume?) sound of lawww.

My dad used to refer to the 'intrusive R', citing the example of lawrandorder.

I imagine I probably pronounce drawing wrong, never having been told or corrected.
I'm not even sure I understand the differences in pronunciation.

I do know that should an adult correct me, they would find a few choice words that I do know how to pronounce.

My old mum got even more critical as she aged. I agree with the advice to ignore it (as far as possible) and/or laugh. I used to say 'Oh, you're so funny, you're such a joker!' which she didn't like at all.

I remember getting ticked off at school for saying "draw ring". I must admit I've not done it since. There are probably other things I say wrongly though.

I never say "different to" but always "different from" and that is because a teacher corrected me.

I used to correct my children's speech but I wouldn't say anything to an adult.

Whilst I agree that the MIL is overly forthright, I agree with her on the subject of mispronouncing drawing as draw ring. My husband was never corrected by his parents or teachers for pronouncing idea as idear, withdrawal as withdraw ral and law and order as Laura Norder, together with many other mispronunciations, so subsequently misspelled such words and many others all his life. Therefore I believe it is my duty as a parent and grandparent to correct my children and grandchildren to avoid such a repetition. I would probably (proberbly) continue to bite my tongue when I hear such mispronunciation from an adult or stranger.

Sounds just like mine..the thing I don’t get is that when they speak out like this people want to avoid them at a time when they have never needed more company or help. I have concluded that mine hasn’t got dementia, she has always had a tendency to speak out this way but is worse now she is on her own and feels sorry for herself. I think it may actually be narcissistic, a world in which they don’t recognise feelings at all beyond their own. Only thing to do is stay solid in all your family relationships. We actually chat as a broader family and try to make light of the nonsense, whilst doing our duty. We tend to try not to argue back as it doesn’t seem to help as she thinks arguing is ok..simply let her finish her rant, take 3 deep breaths and change the subject.

' now I am this age I can say what I like and I love upsetting people!' ...... well then you could say - 'I know how frank you like to be so I thought you would appreciate it when I am frank with you - did you know that speaking the way you do to people just makes you sound ugly and cruel -I'm only saying this for your own good as I wouldn't want all your family to start ostracising you which is really what has started to happen!" - see how she likes it!

If anyone is recounting something, surely it is the tale that is intriguing in its entirety and not the bits of mispronunciation; so is it just spoiling the tale? What a horrible way to behave, the way to anorexia nervosa is paved with 'fat' comments. Do not be polite, there are appropriate ways to behave and when the parameters are breached say it as it is, unpleasant, nasty, bullying, spiteful, vile - go on, why tolerate it. You could be as nasty by commenting on her illness.

Sorry Everyone, but I would be inclined to repeat the mis/pronunciation as often as I could.

I've a neighbour like this, and it really drags me down.

Last week I challenged her head on about everything she said, then told her she needs to get over herself.

She won't change though.

I'm obviously a wicked person myself as the thought that comes to me is, the next time she tells you that at her age she can say what she likes and enjoys upsetting people, you should give her a considering look and mutter, as if to yourself, "Yes, that is a symptom of Alzheimer's ... we'd best start looking for a nursing home". ? Probably not the way to go, though ... I'd just ignore her and walk away if she starts on you again. ?

My mother in law is exactly the the same . Rude , unkind and thinks the world owes her something. She has been told it she keeps on like this people won't want to visit her . Not that she has taken it on board .

My mother turned into exactly the woman you are describing, here.

I ignored as many of her hurtful remarks as I could if they were criticisms of myself or my husband. When she started on other people I pointed out as nicely as I could that I felt she was being unkind, or was mistaken in her opinion.

It didn't really do any good, but it relieved my guilty conscience about hearing her say unkind and untrue things about my sister, the home-help, my father etc.

Unfortunately, a good many women seem to become very malicious as they age. Probably because they never dared say these things when they were younger.

I hope and trust we don't turn into our mothers, or in your case, mother-in-law in our old age!

Annab....if she’s been behaving like this for a long time it doesn’t sound like the onset of dementia does it?
Which was my first thought.
Most people have suggested not to engage verbally and just give a withering look! That seems good advice as she must be looking for attention.
I don’t think it will change her after all this time though do you?
I feel foryour partner!

When my mum was in hospital very ill and on lots of morphine she constantly told us ‘the truth’ as she saw it at visiting times!!
We all came in for it, if she didn’t like someone at that moment she’d turn to me and say ‘ can’t you get rid of them, I can’t stand their breath/dirty hands/mucky clothes/boring conversation etc.!!!’
We all found out her true feelings about us!!