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All or Nothing.

(9 Posts)
Brayve Tue 17-Sep-19 08:54:22

I am a 50 year grandmother of three children. My eldest Grandchild is three and her Mum is my younger daughter. My other grandchildren are two and a half and one. Their Mum is my older daughter and we live next door.

I have multiple health conditions. I have an autoimmune condition that has been particularly problematic for the last year. I have osteoarthristis and am expecting a hip replacement shortly.

I also work full time, I am self employed, am studying part time and have an active life in my church community.

My daughter and son in law have a lot of serious financial problems and with due credit are doing their utmost to resolve them.

The issue that has arisen is that although I am available to help with the children to save them the cost of a babysitter, I need forewarning. She called me on Saturday evening asking me to babysit on Sunday after Church. I told her I could be available after 2.30 as we had a lay clerks event but not before. She threw a really big tantrum and I got a mouthful about how she has always been last in line for everything and her children are second best.

My younger daughter was a single Mum and she went back to work when her baby was 7 months old. I looked after my granddaughter and restructured the way I worked so that I could help as my daughter worked shifts. She was alone as her husband was still studying abroad. It worked because it was very carefully planned.

My older daughter doesnt know what days she is working from one week to the next. I cant run a small business and help her out without the capacity to plan.

I also cant handle both her baby son and her toddler at the same time because of my mobility problems. My partner has tried to highlight this to her. I go to collect my granddaughter from next door to come over and play, because she can walk. I dont have to pick her up or run around keeping her safe. She listens, can tell me in basic words what her needs are and the physical load is something I've worked out.

My daughter says I should take them both, it's not fair to the baby that I only take one. An all or nothing situation. I sometimes take the baby on his own too, and will babysit at night while they are asleep because I can provide for each of their needs individually.

She doesn't seem to understand that I'm trying to make her life easier by taking one when I can. Now shes angry with me and doesnt me to see the children unless I take them both or see them when it suits her. I dont think she can respect that I work during the week, study and have a, aggravated by a condition that makes me incredibly tired and My mobility is compromised. There is a real expectation for me to be available with little or no notice and when I am not, she plays the card that she was eldest and always last in line for anything.

Anyone else experienced this. Right now she has cut me off and it hurts because I live next door.

Persistentdonor Tue 17-Sep-19 09:27:26

Oh dear. sad This all sounds very hurtful and upsetting.

Some people will never listen to what they do not wish to hear. I am sure D1 will simmer down very soon.

In the meantime, hugs to you. flowers

crazyH Tue 17-Sep-19 09:37:22

Difficult situation. I helped with my daughter's children because both parents were working. Her in-laws also helped. But, none of us worked so it was no big deal. And Ofcourse the childcare was shared, and more importantly , we had our designated days, so we knew where we were.
I feel so much for you, with a business to run and health issues.
I hope you and your manage to sort things out. Daughters do
huff and puff a lot, but they will 'simmer down' as earlier poster said . Good luck ....

Tedber Tue 17-Sep-19 18:01:44

Just stick to your guns Brayve. Do what you can when you can and when it suits you.

It is a form of blackmail! I have had the huffing. I just ignore it! I love them all (large family) but won’t be blackmailed. Heavens if I did I would have no time to myself ever. There is a sense of ‘entitlement’ in this generation- like they expect grandparents to co-parent or something.

Although am mindful that some GP’s are exiled and would probably love to be in this position, my heart goes out to them- some sad stories. But I still want to control my own life! Not be controlled by AC lol

M0nica Tue 17-Sep-19 18:41:12

It seems to me that at the heart of this is sibling rivalry.

Some how or in some way you elder daughter is jealous of the younger and uses childcare as a measure of how much you care for her.

Sit down with both your daughters by themselves and discuss this issue then have a meeting with both of them. Explain your problems and then the three of you together agree how much you can have each daughter's children and what the perimeters ar.

Tangerine Tue 17-Sep-19 19:55:41

It sounds to me as if your daughter is being unkind and unreasonable.

Hope things get resolved. Don't let her put upon you.

kircubbin2000 Tue 17-Sep-19 21:53:59

My dil is getting more considerate when she sees how tired I get looking after gs. She has been coming home earlier and now works one day at home. She was really apologetic tonight when she didn't get home till 7.30.

bingo12 Tue 17-Sep-19 22:24:32

It's not really logical for your daughter to say ''it's not fair on the baby'' if you do not baby sit both children together. I suppose the problem is if you don't have the baby too then she is not free to go work or do whatever she wants. But you have to stress your poor health to the daughters as that is your main and very real concern. Perhaps DD should have considered planning only one child?!

bingo12 Tue 17-Sep-19 22:39:10

P.S. Have you tried Turmeric for the arthritis? See some groups on facebook. Best is the recipe - organic turmeric mixed with coconut oil or olive oil, water and black pepper. This mixture is simmered for 7- 10 mins. It is called - golden paste. Lookup exact recipe. Really helps with arthritis pain. A lot of people use it-also for animals.