MOTHER & SON RELATIONSHIPS

willa how can the daughter in law heal as you put it if she’s not there to defend herself That sounds horrendous mother father and three children and the one person they are upset with isn’t present to hear their damming stories
The son is yet again going to be influenced by his family without the wife there to support him
I think this lady is being hung out to dry as the baddie Maybe she is the baddie but even if she’s detestable she’s their sons baddie and they need to leave them to live their own life in whatever why they choose He’s not 15

In the best ordered families there are things that are unhelpful. I'm the youngest and, as such, am still treated as if I were a child by my siblings. I'm getting for seventy now.

I also am a bit clumsy and lose things, but all that is exaggerated by my family. And I, unwittingly, have pinned labels on my daughter. I think these are quite natural things to happen in a family, but when a young adult is trying to grow and change, they can be barriers to that effort.

Best of luck on therapy!

From your post, it's still not clear how things went sideways over the course of two years. Why was your son depressed? How did DIL end up hating your entire family? I hope that family therapy can give you a clearer understanding of what went wrong. You may be surprised to learn that there is room for improvement on everyone's behalf and even a chance for everyone to heal..... your son's fiancee, included, even if she's not present.

Well that’s even worse knickas as it putting a huge wedge into his relationship and keeping the daughter in law isolated from the family I m amazed at any professional agreeing to this... it’s impossible to sort out a relationship problem without ALL present
It s just more divide and control
That daughter in law doesn’t stand a chance now ...my word

Bluebelle - I read it that the son is going, but not the fiancee. She may join in at a later date. You never know. It will be very helpful as long as they all listen to each other.

The important and hardest thing in a family therapy situation is to listen and take on board what the other person says. It looks like you are capable of that, OP.

My other advice is try not to concentrate on the negatives about your future DIL. If you supported her for five years and your son is in love with her, she must have lots of positives too.

I have never, ever heard of epilepsy being caused by stress. Maybe that is why your son needs to change his career.

I don't think I'd want any loved one of mine who suffered from epilepsy working in the building trade.

predent present

Lou2019
I see that I was hasty in my judgement of the whole family dynamics having only read your OP and the ones that followed.
Since reading your further explanation and of the awkward relationship your future DiL had/has with her own family, I can now see a different picture.
Thank you for providing the colour to what was a very black and white scenario.
I offer you and your family every good wish for a very happy outcome to the predent situation and two wonderful weddings to be celebrated with all the family on good terms.
Take care. ☘??

wow we have always put our children before any of our needs our son left he family business that I have nothing to do with I supported my dil for five years as she had disfunctional relationships with her family to the point where she accused them of all sorts , she ruined my other sons relationship as she told his gf he was cheating - he wasn’t - we’ve kept quiet for years it’s been such a struggle and it was our son that asked for the therapy not me we have never ever controlled our kids they have always been encouraged to be free spirits we supported our son with a job and drive Him to and from work when diagnosed with epilepsy as he couldn’t get a building job because of his condition -

kickas69 and all those that say the Family counselling sounds a wonderful idea It’s not family counselling its the AGAINST side of the family and to me sounds like they ll all be chewing over with the counsellor this terrible woman who has taken away their son and brother
Family counselling may be good if it INCLUDED the son and wife so they can air their side of this debacle

Family therapy sounds like a really good idea. Your children should all know that, whatever happens, you love them and always will. I'd make it very clear that any squabbles between them are upsetting for you. You'd be happy to know that they'd always support each other in the future, perhaps when the older generation are long gone.

Write down all the ideas that you have and points you'd like to get across before the therapy session. Try to remain calm and discuss any difficulties then just let them get on with it. Refuse to take sides and resist showing any hostility towards your son's choice of partner. I know it's hard but try to distance yourself a little too.

I value your comments, we are not a controlling family at all, he has always had the choice to do his own thing, all of our children have and they do. My husband and I are very independent, we are still young enough to have our own lives and we do now the children have gone. Let's just hope that we can resolve our differences with professional help so it doesn't feel like anyone is ganging up on anyone.

I would also like to add to this that it was our son's choice to go to counselling, following an individual counselling session that he went to, his behaviour over the past few years has caused us all a lot of pain, so I think a few replies to my original story have possibly got the wrong end of the stick, calling me a controlling mother etc, but I will listen to all comments, that's why you put things on forums, it's very interesting to see things from another perspective when you are so involved yourself. My biggest worry tonight is that GANGING up thing and I will make sure that doesn't happen, I couldn't think of anything worse than that for our son. We asked him how we could resolve our differences and he agreed that he thought counselling would help, let's hope it does. I do love my daughter in law and I have stood by her and helped her through her difficult relationships with her father and mother and sister. But for some reason during their wedding planning year there have been difficulties. She also had terrible issues with her step mother. We do accept that this is the girl he loves, and want nothing more in the World than to see our children happy in their lives. We are only here once and whatever takes to help this situation be resolved we are working together to sort it out, fingers crossed. But thank you everyone for your replies, like some said some of the comments I might not like to hear but I have read them and digested them and perhaps I do need to stand back more and let them be grown up.

With respect, really don’t go to family therapy! Maybe have some counselling for yourself at some point but back off from your adult children and leave them to lead their own lives and choose their own partners. I’m a holistic therapist and I know from my clients, if not myself, how much pain that family dynamics can cause but there comes a time when you have to step back. Focus on other issues in your life...your family will change a lot now as your children build their own lives ...and you need to build one for yourself too that doesn’t involve them in such a close knit way. ?

Just to put into the mix, when you to the family therapy, actively listen. You will be invited to express your feelings over several sessions. Also, women, In this instance future DIL have been known to be controlling and abusive. That will out with a good cllr. Looking to the future, care for your own wellness. I hope you all work through this. It will be a high priority to hear your sons' feelings and conflicts. At 25 he is still very young so go softly as it's an awful lot to process and self awareness and confidence comes through inner struggles.

This is more or less what has happened to our family except son stills stays in contact (when she's away etc). She also lived with us but as soon as engaged and got own house the lies started. She has narcissistic tendencies and has alienated all my sons friends and most of his family (aunts /uncles no longer invite them to family parties etc). She has ruined 3 family events by showing off and shouting/crying so as no apologies forthcoming and is no longer welcome. Ive just decided to keep my distance, not engage and enjoy my sons comosny when I see him, I dont neex the negativity. Good luck x

As hard as it is op I think you are causing your sons stress not his fiancée. You are guilt tripping him on leaving the family business. You should just say you’re proud of him and not to worry. You need to step back and take a look at your controlling ways which includes the idea of counselling. . You are probably causing issues between your son and his fiancée - are you that selfish and determined to have your own way you risk your sons relationship because it doesn’t suit you? I’m going to stop now because the more I think about your attitude the more annoyed I’m getting. Put your son first not yourself.

I think you should be proud to have brought up a man that stands by his future wife over everyone else. She should now come first even above his family. There’s nothing worse than a mummy’s boy but you have brought up a real man who is making his woman happy. Probably from seeing your happy marriage. Don’t ruin it now by being needy and unreasonable. I would apologise to them both and say you’ve just found it hard to accept that he’s grown up. I talk to my kids now about making sure they have a nice husband and wife when they’re older. I want nothing more for them to find happiness and be loved. The best way to have your son in your life is keep your views to yourself (unless life threatening) and make a friend of you dil. If he loves her, and it sounds like he does, you will not win. You stand no chance. You have to do the making up and being nice. Hard as it is.

Well said ronsgranfranksgran you’ve absolutely knocked the nail on the head. I have come to accept it because it is true. A happy wife is a happy life to most men and I know my place. It is sad that I have one of those possessive DILs but she does make my son happy and that is the most important thing. The rejection from her is hard to take and it is best to try not to take it personally and if you always try to be the bigger generous person things just may get better in time, in the meantime grin and bear it.

Lou2019, you must be very worried about your son's sudden epileptic episode, I hope he has received medical advise regarding it. It probably has nothing at all to do with his fiance but imagine how scared and worried she must have felt. Sometimes an isolated fit can occur but it needs investigation.it can also affect his ability to drive legally. You never stop worrying and being concerned for your children even when they move on but it's a load you will have to carry, sometimes biting back comments & rising above hurtful comments & actions - and somehow doing it with grace. Don't say anything that will allow the door between you to slam shut and be forever bolted. Family mediation is good, be prepared for pride to be dented, rough with smooth. Don't accuse, go with an open mind, tell him you love him, be kind and listen. Don't say anything you will regret next week,month,years no matter how unfair you may feel it is. I sincerely hope it works. All very best.

It is up to your children to choose their job & their partner.
I am not sure what good family counselling will do (especially if your future DIL is not part of it).

Things I have learned the hard way!

1. Accept her lovingly or lose your son.

2. You can’t control everything

3. The umbilical cord has been cut. Your children are grown and you need to let them be free.

4. Your ‘family’ are now making their own families. They will have their own traditions and ways of living.

5. You need to reinvent yourself. If your children have arguments, let them work it out themselves.

6. Sounds like you are having adjustment difficulties. Sounds like it is all too close for comfort.

7. It will be alright in the end if you back off.

Good luck! X

I feel sorry for your son, he has met the women he is going to marry, has some changes in his health, gets a new job - in other words grows up and you all want him to go to therapy?! What are you going to talk about, not his fiancee for a start surely. I would be very careful whilst therapy can be a useful tool you may find your other children and your DH come out with things you have never heard before and can't be unsaid. Soon they will be vowing to "forsake all others" do be careful for your own sake.

What i am thinking is not written to be mean but I think you have had life mostly on your terms, with the family and family business and your future Dil wants it to be different.

Her and your DS are entitled to go their own way and you have to accept this. They are entitled to make and shape their lives.

You are adding to the stress because your DS is well aware that leaving the family business it is not what you wanted.
Just love him and accept her.

Things will change they always do and then if their marriage doe falter you will be on good terms with your son. If the marriage goes well then you will enjoy them both.

I didn't like the man my daughter married so I have had my share of "sucking it up" !