MOTHER & SON RELATIONSHIPS

Just to put into the mix, when you to the family therapy, actively listen. You will be invited to express your feelings over several sessions. Also, women, In this instance future DIL have been known to be controlling and abusive. That will out with a good cllr. Looking to the future, care for your own wellness. I hope you all work through this. It will be a high priority to hear your sons' feelings and conflicts. At 25 he is still very young so go softly as it's an awful lot to process and self awareness and confidence comes through inner struggles.

With respect, really don’t go to family therapy! Maybe have some counselling for yourself at some point but back off from your adult children and leave them to lead their own lives and choose their own partners. I’m a holistic therapist and I know from my clients, if not myself, how much pain that family dynamics can cause but there comes a time when you have to step back. Focus on other issues in your life...your family will change a lot now as your children build their own lives ...and you need to build one for yourself too that doesn’t involve them in such a close knit way. ?

I would also like to add to this that it was our son's choice to go to counselling, following an individual counselling session that he went to, his behaviour over the past few years has caused us all a lot of pain, so I think a few replies to my original story have possibly got the wrong end of the stick, calling me a controlling mother etc, but I will listen to all comments, that's why you put things on forums, it's very interesting to see things from another perspective when you are so involved yourself. My biggest worry tonight is that GANGING up thing and I will make sure that doesn't happen, I couldn't think of anything worse than that for our son. We asked him how we could resolve our differences and he agreed that he thought counselling would help, let's hope it does. I do love my daughter in law and I have stood by her and helped her through her difficult relationships with her father and mother and sister. But for some reason during their wedding planning year there have been difficulties. She also had terrible issues with her step mother. We do accept that this is the girl he loves, and want nothing more in the World than to see our children happy in their lives. We are only here once and whatever takes to help this situation be resolved we are working together to sort it out, fingers crossed. But thank you everyone for your replies, like some said some of the comments I might not like to hear but I have read them and digested them and perhaps I do need to stand back more and let them be grown up.

I value your comments, we are not a controlling family at all, he has always had the choice to do his own thing, all of our children have and they do. My husband and I are very independent, we are still young enough to have our own lives and we do now the children have gone. Let's just hope that we can resolve our differences with professional help so it doesn't feel like anyone is ganging up on anyone.

Family therapy sounds like a really good idea. Your children should all know that, whatever happens, you love them and always will. I'd make it very clear that any squabbles between them are upsetting for you. You'd be happy to know that they'd always support each other in the future, perhaps when the older generation are long gone.

Write down all the ideas that you have and points you'd like to get across before the therapy session. Try to remain calm and discuss any difficulties then just let them get on with it. Refuse to take sides and resist showing any hostility towards your son's choice of partner. I know it's hard but try to distance yourself a little too.

kickas69 and all those that say the Family counselling sounds a wonderful idea It’s not family counselling its the AGAINST side of the family and to me sounds like they ll all be chewing over with the counsellor this terrible woman who has taken away their son and brother
Family counselling may be good if it INCLUDED the son and wife so they can air their side of this debacle

wow we have always put our children before any of our needs our son left he family business that I have nothing to do with I supported my dil for five years as she had disfunctional relationships with her family to the point where she accused them of all sorts , she ruined my other sons relationship as she told his gf he was cheating - he wasn’t - we’ve kept quiet for years it’s been such a struggle and it was our son that asked for the therapy not me we have never ever controlled our kids they have always been encouraged to be free spirits we supported our son with a job and drive Him to and from work when diagnosed with epilepsy as he couldn’t get a building job because of his condition -

Lou2019
I see that I was hasty in my judgement of the whole family dynamics having only read your OP and the ones that followed.
Since reading your further explanation and of the awkward relationship your future DiL had/has with her own family, I can now see a different picture.
Thank you for providing the colour to what was a very black and white scenario.
I offer you and your family every good wish for a very happy outcome to the predent situation and two wonderful weddings to be celebrated with all the family on good terms.
Take care. ☘??

predent present

The important and hardest thing in a family therapy situation is to listen and take on board what the other person says. It looks like you are capable of that, OP.

My other advice is try not to concentrate on the negatives about your future DIL. If you supported her for five years and your son is in love with her, she must have lots of positives too.

I have never, ever heard of epilepsy being caused by stress. Maybe that is why your son needs to change his career.

I don't think I'd want any loved one of mine who suffered from epilepsy working in the building trade.

Bluebelle - I read it that the son is going, but not the fiancee. She may join in at a later date. You never know. It will be very helpful as long as they all listen to each other.

Well that’s even worse knickas as it putting a huge wedge into his relationship and keeping the daughter in law isolated from the family I m amazed at any professional agreeing to this... it’s impossible to sort out a relationship problem without ALL present
It s just more divide and control
That daughter in law doesn’t stand a chance now ...my word

From your post, it's still not clear how things went sideways over the course of two years. Why was your son depressed? How did DIL end up hating your entire family? I hope that family therapy can give you a clearer understanding of what went wrong. You may be surprised to learn that there is room for improvement on everyone's behalf and even a chance for everyone to heal..... your son's fiancee, included, even if she's not present.

Best of luck on therapy!

In the best ordered families there are things that are unhelpful. I'm the youngest and, as such, am still treated as if I were a child by my siblings. I'm getting for seventy now.

I also am a bit clumsy and lose things, but all that is exaggerated by my family. And I, unwittingly, have pinned labels on my daughter. I think these are quite natural things to happen in a family, but when a young adult is trying to grow and change, they can be barriers to that effort.

willa how can the daughter in law heal as you put it if she’s not there to defend herself That sounds horrendous mother father and three children and the one person they are upset with isn’t present to hear their damming stories
The son is yet again going to be influenced by his family without the wife there to support him
I think this lady is being hung out to dry as the baddie Maybe she is the baddie but even if she’s detestable she’s their sons baddie and they need to leave them to live their own life in whatever why they choose He’s not 15

Wow! I too can't understand why you need 'therapy' Sounds to me like normal family issues t.b.h.

Therapy may help if people have problems in a marriage for instance but for a whole family to go to discuss one sons choice in a partner and why he is distancing himself from the family sounds ott....sorry but it does.

When our children grow up they need to make their own choices/decisions. They won't always be what we want and maybe we can forsee problems, which may prove right, but they have to be allowed to discover this for themselves.

We, as parents, may be proved right. If you step back, give your son may come to that decision himself or he may find he is happier now than he ever was?

All you need to do as a family is be supportive. Let him know you are there if/when he needs you.

I feel uncomfortable reading you, his father, siblings are going to go to counselling to figure out....where he's gone wrong? Before you actually know IF he has? Doesn't make sense?

Yes, you want to keep the status quo but sometimes...you can't! His life, his choice.

By the way Lizzie10 please post your problem on a separate thread and you will get responses.

Lizzle10- it might be better to start a separate thread with your concern...

I m glad to read your further comments lou which I missed before I commented and glad that you aren’t the controlling family that you came over as in your first posts
May I now ask why the daughter in law is not invited to the counselling sessions, is it not important for the counsellor to be working with ALL of you involved in this tangle not just one side of it

I highly recommend you read the two books by Dr. Jonice Webb about Childhood Emotional Neglect; how to recognize it and how to heal from it. I hope it is available in the UK. Find her on the web. She has info there too.

My 31 year old son who is not a reader, but is dealing with stress and addiction in his life, began leafing through it when I handed him the first book Running On Empty, and he has read it completely, recognizing himself in various examples. I am not a bad parent, and the author does not blame anyone (!) but apparently I have not fully attuned myself to my son's needs when he was a preteen, and when all attention began to focus on his three year older sister who began to suffer from depression. Anyway...loads of good info in it for recognizing and healing relationships between couples, but also parents and children!!

it was our son's choice to go to counselling

I think family therapy can be really useful, though a lot depends on the therapist and the willingness of the participants.

Someone said that the family sounds normal. I'm sure it is, but family's can get into unhealthy dynamics. And I can't imagine that any therapist worth their salt would allow the session to descend into trashing the absent fiancée.

BlueBelle, unless I missed something to the contrary, have you considered that DIL herself may have chosen not to be there?

Nonetheless, family therapy can help everyone involved in the same way that Al Anon helps family members of alcoholics or Drug Rehab helps the families of addicts. Therapy can provide a more healthy perspective on key issues, so that conflicts can be resolved to everyone's benefit...therapy could also throw some intelligible light on DIL's behavior, even if she's not there.

I've always had a really close relationship with my DIL, I was her surrogate Mum really, as she was estranged from her own family (her choice).
There were however, lots of things that I didn't like about her nature but I kept it to myself as he obviously loved her very much and they were happy.
Well unfortunately she has now shown her true colours and continues to put my son (and their two boys) through hell.

During discussions I have had with my son since, he asked why I didn't point the things out and warn him?
My reply was that he just wouldn't have seen through her because he loved her. If I had pointed out the really unpleasant side to her nature and the very hurtful things she did, we would have ended up estranged as well.

OP good luck with the family therapy. I doubt it will improve your relationship with your future DIL but hopefully you can get across to your son that your love and support will always be there when he needs you.

willa of course that is a possibility but as we are talking about all the daughter in laws to be’s faults I would have expected to hear ‘we asked the fiancée to come too but as usual she didn’t cooperate so she’s not coming along’
It didn’t read like that at all but I may be wrong

What a wonderful family you are to be going to therapy. I really admire you. I'm sure your therapist will help you through this. Trust the process not your emotions. Wishing you well.