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Award moment with daughter

(23 Posts)
WOODMOUSE49 Fri 27-Sep-19 23:34:12

I'm 70 in December and my daughter is 50 next April and we talked earlier this year of doing something together. Just Mum and daughter.

She has recently separated and I'm 3 years into my 2nd marriage.

Original idea was a few days in Edinburgh (the two of us). We're both into architecture and art.

Tonight she has suggested a city break (Berlin) for three of us! Her best friend at work, who's supported her so much during her breakup wants to come with us.

Normally, I would be up for this, if I was by myself. I'm upset it isn't just the two of us. I feel for my DH. She gets on well with him and am surprised she's suggested her friend comes and not my DH as well.

I wouldn't suggest he comes as I know he isn't into hols like this.

I can't suggest she and her friend do this Berlin break and her and I do another break together. She couldn't afford two.


WOODMOUSE49 Fri 27-Sep-19 23:45:56

My thread's title should read

Awkward moment with daughter Can admin change this for me?

mosaicwarts Sat 28-Sep-19 00:07:17

My friend has just come back from Berlin, she had a ball.

Go with your daughter and her friend and make special memories for her 50ieth, it will be nice to be a girls threesome. It may well be your daughter wishes to do this as a gesture of thanks to her friend for supporting her, perhaps this friend hasn't got anyone to go on city breaks with. I am 62 and went to Venice with my 23 year old daughter, I didn't really have the energy to do everything she suggested, but felt I had to as we were only there for a few days. Having a friend along would have meant I could have rested more if they'd gone off together, the bridges killed my calves! As for your DH, you've said he isn't into holidays like this, so your DD knows this too.

I hope you decide to go, my daughter has been and loved it too.

paddyann Sat 28-Sep-19 00:13:07

taking your husband would change the whole dynamic,have agirls weekend and enjoy it.Surely he wont object

Calendargirl Sat 28-Sep-19 01:11:02


I think the OP really wanted a special few days with just her daughter. I can understand that.
The phrase “Two’s company...” comes to mind.

stella1949 Sat 28-Sep-19 03:41:02

My daughter is like this too - you make a plan for "just us two" and she is very likely to turn up with a friend which changes the dynamic entirely. However I've just had to get used to it, and many times it's turned out to be fine.

You can't do anything about this if she has already made up her mind . Just "roll with the flow" as they say, you might have a wonderful time.

Oopsminty Sat 28-Sep-19 05:31:35

I can understand. It's a very different dynamic now.

If your daughter couldn't afford to do 2 breaks then there's very little you can do.

Sorry I can't help

craftyone Sat 28-Sep-19 06:44:01

my ds is in Berlin this week, says it is lovely. Go as the threesome, it will take a little pressure off you. Turn it into a fab girlie time, make it a big memory-making positive. Maybe the two would have gone together but the fact that they are including you is lovely. Don`t turn it on its head

sodapop Sat 28-Sep-19 07:23:05

Yes craftyone is right, enjoy their company and the holiday. Don't over think this.

Maggiemaybe Sat 28-Sep-19 07:30:03

I don’t see that the OP is turning this on its head, as she and DD have been discussing doing something for their special birthdays for months and the friend is the late addition.

However, it is what it is, WOODMOUSE, and I agree with others that you’re going to have to keep smiling and make the best of it.

One suggestion though - could you ask a friend along too? You’re not going to have that one-to-one mother and daughter trip anyway and I think the dynamics of four would work better than a group of three?

Berlin is a great city. Enjoy your trip. smile

Maggiemaybe Sat 28-Sep-19 07:33:29

I wouldn’t be hurt for your DH by the way - your DD will know, just as you do, that he wouldn’t want to go anyway.

Sara65 Sat 28-Sep-19 07:51:24

I can see why you’re hurt, but maybe your daughter was put in a slightly difficult situation, with her friend saying how much she’d like to go to Berlin etc, and because she’s been so supportive, your daughter felt awkward about not asking her.

Go and enjoy, and maybe arrange a special mum/daughter day out, closer to home.

cornergran Sat 28-Sep-19 08:00:25

It is bound to be disappointing when you were looking forward to some time alone with your daughter, nothing to do though but relax and enjoy it all.

Agree with sara, plan a day closer to home or maybe a meal for just the two of you so you do get some time together. I’m sure your husband will understand and perhaps you two can have a break together doing something he does enjoy. Please don’t let the change of plan spoil your enjoyment, it will be different but can still be fun.

SirChenjin Sat 28-Sep-19 09:24:17

What an odd thing for your DD and her friend to do - it’s just not ‘done’ to invite a third party along to something as significant as this or to express a wish (as the friend has done) that you’d like to come too. I presume the friend is paying her way?

As I see it, you have some choices, eg you could accept it and say nothing; you could see if one of your friends wants to come too; you could say ‘not this time, sorry’. All are valid options.

Are they partners at all? I’m the same age as your DD and can’t imagine thinking it would be ok to go to my work colleague and her mum’s special birthday break - and I supported a colleague through a break up a couple of years ago.

KatyK Sat 28-Sep-19 10:03:36

I think it's lovely that your DD wants to do something with you at all. I would be a bit disappointed at her bringing a friend too but I would just go along and enjoy it. My DD wouldn't dream of asking me to do anything with just the two of us. sad

wildswan16 Sat 28-Sep-19 10:42:58

I would go along with your daughter and her friend. But before you go I would have a chat with your daughter saying how much you are looking forward to it but are a little worried that the two "young ones" will want to spend their time differently to you and that you will feel a bit left out.

Hope you all have a lovely time. There will be other opportunities for a "twosome".

WOODMOUSE49 Sat 28-Sep-19 10:45:47

Thanks for the comments.

It wouldn't be a girly threesome. Her friend is a male work colleague (nothing beyond a friendship/ he's gay). I've never met him.

The break was to celebrate both our BIG birthday.

We live 300 miles apart and she and my granddaughter are coming to us for my birthday in December. She does this every year since I moved to Cornwall from Derbyshire.

My DH and myself have never had a holiday in the 6 years we've been together (funds!). However, Cornwall is our holiday.

Grannyknot Sat 28-Sep-19 10:58:27

Woodmouse to get HQ admin to change the title of your post, you need to "Report" it via this thread, or email them on [email protected]

I understand how you feel re the trip. Can't you simply explain to your daughter that you are feeling awkward about it? Have a chat about the fact that the deal has now changed?

janeainsworth Sat 28-Sep-19 11:09:06

I’d be very uncomfortable going away with someone I’d never met before.
Your OP seems to suggest that DD’s friend has invited himself along.
He has put DD in an awkward position. The right thing for her to do would be to politely tell him that it is to be a special occasion for you and her.
There are other ways she could thank him for his support.

Sara65 Sat 28-Sep-19 11:13:44

I think what’s done is done, I don’t think your daughter can change things now without causing trouble with her friend.
I agree, it’s awkward for you, but it might just be fun, try and go with an open mind.

oldgimmer1 Sat 28-Sep-19 11:16:37

Personally, I'd make the most of it. Chances are it wouldn't be the dream cosy holiday anyway and having another person means there's more scope if one of you wants to do something different. It takes the pressure off. smile

Tedber Sun 29-Sep-19 16:58:05

Does seem a bit strange inviting a male colleague to what was originally a mum and daughter break but....reminds me of a time I had a similar with my eldest. Only just got to hotel and who showed up but the fiance who had dumped her unceremoniously 4 months previously! Not only did he show up but he ended up sleeping in same room as us in hotel!!! So at least you have pre-warning ha ha ha.

You do have choices though, you can either postpone your holiday with daughter and tell her you would rather go just the two of you for a special girly weekend or you can ask a friend or you can just go along with it and make your mind up to enjoy it! (I didn't suggest DH as you say it doesn't like that sort of holiday). Chances are you will have a great time anyway if you all love the same sort of things.

lemongrove Sun 29-Sep-19 17:12:22

I would do as another poster suggested and take a friend your own age.
Then, you don’t have to keep up with your DD and her friend all the time you are there.
You could do some sightseeing together, then split up for a while, and meet for dinner etc.