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Grandpa overcompensating grandchildren

(6 Posts)
Sassygrandma Sat 26-Oct-19 23:24:06

Since my husband I got custody of grandchildren, and the mother is my step daughter, she comes in and out of their lives(4 children) 18 mo, 7, 14 and 16. When I discipline for skipping school, or leaving the house without permission. My husband doesn’t back me. The other grandchildren are being affected. They found out if they ask me and I say no, they will ask their mother for the “yes”. They don’t respect me and I’m the one that cares for them, dinner, clothes ect. He will always have time for them and he doesn’t want the drama. He gets to be grandpa but I have to teach values. What can I do, I’m ready to walk.

B9exchange Sat 26-Oct-19 23:43:44

Can you not have a family meeting to agree on what discipline is required and how to back each other up? Surely that way everyone can see that a common approach is the only way to help these children, who must be very confused at their channged circumstances?

BradfordLass72 Sun 27-Oct-19 03:42:00

Time for a talk, I agree. Grandad is doing the children no favours by being a Lollipop Grandpa.

YWhen children know they can break guidelines and rules with impunity, they don't feel safe.

After all, you are showing weakness if they, the children, can change your mind.

They need to believe you can protect them from everything, cope with everything (even if you think you can't smile) You are in charge.

So make your 'no' mean 'no' but not 'because I say so', they need a reason which will make sense to them.
You can certainly be honest with the two older children, and they can help you manage the younger ones.

You (and Grandad) are not there to be manipulated but to keep them safe, happy and healthy. You can only do this with a respectful and kindly set of rules which he must honour as well.

You certainly do have quite a nestful there and to be pulling against other carer-adults is the last thing you need.

Grandad1943 Sun 27-Oct-19 08:06:40

Sassygrandma, you do not say how long you and your husband have had custody of the children. I am thinking also that prior to you gaining that custody the children may have been through an awful lot with their parents.

So, it may be that your husband is feeling they just need to be "let free" for a time with just plenty of love and care.

I would be the first to agree that order will have to be brought into their lives at some point, but give it time and talk it through with your other half.

sodapop Sun 27-Oct-19 08:19:26

That's difficult sassygrandma must be so frustrating for you. I agree with B9 You must talk to your husband and stepdaughter and agree how to proceed. The children have probably had a lot of upheaval already so maybe you all need to compromise a little.
Be kind to yourself too, you have taken on a lot of responsibility.

Davidhs Sun 27-Oct-19 10:18:29

We had 3 daughters, I only disputed a decision by my wife once!

I was very quickly taken to one side and told “ I will decide how to discipline the girls, you will back me up, understood”.

So I did