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Siblings not talking !

(10 Posts)
Max14165 Thu 14-Nov-19 07:20:37

I will try to be brief but it's complicated .. I have 2 DDs... one 27 the other 19 both now have left home ...
Younger daughter had a relationship with a thug/ thief/ drug addict and now has two children by him ....older daughter married recently and is just expecting her first child.
Very long story short DD2s ( now ex) partner we have recently discovered has been physically, mentally and verbally abusing her for the 3 years they were together ( she was 16 when they met ) ..we have had police involvement for a while but he was recently arrested for his most recent attack when it seemed DD2 had had enough after he tried to strangle her ....supposedly called time on the relationship after the arrest ....charges however were dropped due to insufficient evidence ( despite him having previous for abh / common assault to 2 previous girlfriends )
However it now seems he is back on the scene and it transpires that whilst they are "no longer in a relationship" ( DD2s words ) they still have sex occasionally ....
Social services are involved due to the nature of their past relationship ....
Anyhow ...at the weekend it came out in conversation between the two girls that DD2 was still having involvement with her ex ( he supposedly comes to see his two daughters which is the biggest load of crap out as he has no real interest in them ...he comes because he's trying to inveigle his way back in to my daughter's life as he is a narcissistic sociopath )
DD1 who has supported her sister esp just recently following the abuse issues has now said she wants nothing more to do with her sister whilst she is still allowing her partner to be around and is still having sex with him.....
There are two children involved here ....DGD1 who is 2 and DGD2 who is just 7 months ....And my eldest adores them ....she also as I said previously is now 8 weeks pregnant ....
For my part I don't condone what DD2 is doing but after involvement with a domestic violence advisor do understand she is like an addict ...her drug is him and like any addict Needs to be weaned off of him ......however to do that she doesn't need to be having sex with him !
My question ...my plea really is this ...it's breaking my heart ..the whole thing If I'm honest ...I've had to resort to anti depressants due to the nature of the past three years ( its way more sordid and horrid believe me but I can only tell you some of it ) but my girls not talking is the crux of my despair ...how do we move on from from here ?
DD2 can't understand why her sister wants to interfere in her life and doesn't understand her need to have this animal in her life ....DD1 Can't understand why she would want anything to do with him and can't keep putting herself through the ringer emotionally dealing with the fall out every time there is an incident with him ..... I totally get where my eldest is coming from but I can't walk away from my youngest who is like someone with Stockholm syndrome
We have Christmas coming up ...we have two little girls who love their aunty and who loves them in return but I don't know, as a mum what I can do ...should do ...if anything ...to help repair this damaged relationship.
Sorry it's a long one ...I just need help please x

M0nica Thu 14-Nov-19 07:57:49

Max1465. What a difficult situation to be in, with so many problems.

Oddly enough I think the problem between your two children is the least of them. This does not sound to me as if there is a real estrangement between them, more that your older daughter, pregnant herself, is overwhelmed by her younger sister's problems and her refusal to do what is obviously necessary to all but the victim, separating from her abuser. She wants to protect her unborn child from the stress in the family so is choosing to withdraw and just not speak to her sister.

When you younger daughter breaks from her addiction to this man, I think you will find the problems between the sisters will gradually resolve.

I would suggest that for now you accept that your 2 daughters are not talking, but sit down with the elder girl and tell her this and tell her also that with Christmas coming you want to be able to see her but you also want to be able to see the two little ones, who are the completely innocent victims of this - and that you want to help your younger daughter ditch her partner finally. Ask your older daughter for advice and help and suggestions about how to deal with the arrangements for Christmas, I think that if you do this, while your 2 daughters themselves may still not speak, you can between you work out a solution that is stisfactory to all.

If your older daughter is a bit resistant at first, let the subject lie and then gently bring it up again a few days later. I am sure if she feels you want to work with her and accept how she feels about her sister you will end up with Christmas. at least, that workd for all.

jeanie99 Thu 14-Nov-19 11:55:45

Max
Oh dear how you must be suffering on many levels.
Do try and think of the positive things you can realistically do in this situation.
My main concern to start with is that DD1 does not get pregnant again and I would certainly try and have a long chat with her about this. The last thing she needs is to have another baby.
At 19 and we've all been there, we think mainly about ourselves and our needs. She loves this man and only she can make that decision to break for good from this madness she is living in.
I was in a very similar situation many years ago and I know where I was and what I had to do, it was a click that went off in my head and I never looked back after making my decision.
She is not there yet and it may take time, you can only support and help her and the children as best you can. Offer advice if she asks don't loose your temper and loose the relationship you have with her and the children.

As for the girls I don't see this as serious to be honest.
Your eldest girl is pregnant her life is going to plan so she doesn't understand the madness in her sisters life.
She thinks she can just walk away from it, unfortunately it's never as easy as that.
The girls love each other and it will work out, you could later on asked them to come over to yours with the children but never loose contact with any of them.
Look after yourself and stay strong for them.

rosecarmel Thu 14-Nov-19 12:37:05

I'd allow the sisters to work their estrangement out amongst themselves- You wouldn't encourage your one daughter to remain in an abusive relationship therefore it only stands to reason to not interfere with your other daughters decision to protect and separate herself from her sisters ongoing issues -

I understand that you want what you want as a mum for your family but wanting your daughters to want what you want too is intrusive and hypocritical and unhealthy-

Do you want your daughter to suffer as you do? Or would you rather honor her decision to step away so that she doesn't have to unnecessarily suffer as you do? Which decision is loving and which selfish and ignorant?

Bezelmoth Thu 14-Nov-19 12:43:38

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glammanana Thu 14-Nov-19 12:55:10

Max How awful for you and your family but the advice of him being a drug to your youngest DD is so right,my DD was in an abusive relationship when my eldest 2 x DGSs where small she even moved Countries to go and live with him all the while keeping the abuse secret from us all.
It was after 18mths when she found the strength to leave him and return to UK that she broke away from him so until your DD makes that decision I'm afraid she will continue to see him,just be there for her and pick up the pieces when she makes that decision as she will need you and her sister.

Kathy1959 Thu 14-Nov-19 15:27:14

So sorry to hear all this Max 14165. Is it just you dealing with this, or do you have a husband/ partner to support you? I know it’s hard, but I would tend to withdraw from your younger daughter, and let her ride through it. Obviously, you’ll want to keep tabs on the children, but try to do this from a distance. Your older daughter is right to withdraw, she is pregnant and has to take care of herself. You have to take care of yourself too. You’d be no help to anyone if you slip into ill health or have a breakdown! I think if you’ve too involved, it could make things worse. I wish you all the best.

agnurse Thu 14-Nov-19 17:01:03

I'd strongly recommend not getting involved. Your daughters are adults. This is for them to determine.

Sadly, it's very, very hard for women to break out of abusive relationships. This is true for many reasons. No abuser is abusive 100% of the time - abuse goes through cycles. She has undoubtedly invested emotional time into this relationship. She may have poor self-esteem related to the abuse. She may have become financially dependent on him. He may have threatened to harm her or those close to her if she leaves him permanently. (This is sadly not an empty threat. The risk of violence is usually the highest when the person being abused tries to leave. Some abusers have even killed their partners.) This probably doesn't apply to your daughter, but some people don't leave because they have children and/or pets with the abuser. Many shelters will not take pets, and in many cases, children can't simply leave with the parent as it can be considered parental abduction.

Your older DD does have a responsibility to keep her children safe from the abuser. Keep in mind that if she is allowing her sister around her children, her children will see that Auntie is a safe person. If she's involved with a dangerous man, she clearly isn't safe.

I've been in between my parents and my sister during a period of estrangement. It was not a fun place to be. That's why I don't suggest being piggy-in-the-middle. Your daughters will figure something out for themselves.

Max14165 Fri 15-Nov-19 11:11:25

Thankyou all so very much for the advice and support ....tho @rosecarmel I hope I'm not selfish and ignorant just maybe a little bit blindsided as to my role as a mum and grandmother ....I will take all this onboard and yes....take a step back and let the girls work this one out for themselves supporting each of them as and when they need me to .
I do have a loving husband who is my usual sounding board but on this one even he has reached his tethers end😏
I totally understand my elder daughters need to withdraw and protect herself and her own unborn child....plus her own sanity ...I just need to sit down with younger daughter and try and get her to understand her sisters own needs right now as I keep getting ' she hates me ' after various attempts by her to make amends with her sister .....
But thanks so much for taking the time to respond ...it's helped me no end flowers

rosecarmel Fri 15-Nov-19 12:33:07

Max, everyone wants what they want and nobody is immune to being selfish and ignorant- My son was in an abusive relationship, I understand how painful it is as parent- But had I not set boundaries for myself I'd have easily slipped into enabling the situation by becoming enmeshed in it instead of limiting my involvement to solely offering compassion when circumstances arose- My son's partner eventually took his own life- In front of my son-

Its wise as well as compassionate that your one daughter has chosen to distance herself from her sister's ongoing tragedy- She's leading by example - Perhaps the family could follow her lead eventually -