Mean Grandparents

Maybe just tell her every family is different and leave it at that.

It's such a shame when this happens but unfortunately it's not uncommon. Your DD will have realised that something isnt right and so I would just ask her what she thinks about what's happening.
What were your parents like with you when you were growing up? If they weren't very paternal with you then they won't be with your daughter

I don't think it's Christmas thats bothering you really, it's more that Christmas highlights the issue for you.

Maybe you need to think about what kind of relationship with your parents you want to have. No rush for anything to happen, December 25th isn't a deadline.

Think about what you had with them growing up, were they kind ? did you feel loved and valued ? did they have time for you ?

Are they in your life now ?

If the answers are yes then brilliant, that's the kind of people you want in your daughters life regardless of presents.

Now you just need to build on your relationship with your parents that include your present life and family. ... If the answers to the questions weren't positive then let it go, your daughter is no worse for not having them in your life.

I know it's all been said but I agree that it isn't very important and you can always make it up to your DD.

I was given a very rich Godmother (I suspect my DP thought I would come into good fortune!) Instead this person never gave me presents except once and I can still remember my DM watching me open the small parcel in excited anticipation only to find it was a cheap ballpoint pen!
There you go! No wonder she was rich.

I don't go in for big presents either and our DGC will open silly, funny little parcels mostly 2nd hand, from us. They have too many toys and I prefer to take them out somewhere or pay for tickets or buy a game for the whole family.
My DGS abroad has had money put into his account for later. His DP will give him a book, from "us"

You really are not alone. You won’t change then. Don’t bang on about them just be polite. Some people. give presents ,some people it does not occur to them that others do. It’s a shame but so are lots of things in life.
Some grandparents buying presents is a form of control and buying attention . That’s no better than the ones that buy next to nothing.
I know someone who asked the tight grandparents if it would help if she actually bought this years gift if they gave her the money to do it. Personally I would not be bothered to ask them because they would take offence and things would be even worse!

First of all I would ask what does your daughter make as presents for her grandparents? It should be a two-way process. this giving malarkie.
Does it really matter about presents? Surely, you can find several smallish stocking fillers and wrap those to go under the tree. The fun is seeing parcels, trying to guess from shape what is in them, and then unwrapping - not what is actually in them.
I had three grandparents alive for most of my childhood - and none of them would have dreamed of sending me or any of their other g.children presents either at christmas or at our birthdays. Indeed, a birthday card was not always sent.
Never upset me, never thought about it - usually gave them my latest school photo for christmas.
Think there is far too much emphasis on presents in the current christmas celebrations.
My ex-hubbie (not at all hard-up) never sends as much as a birthday card to any of our g.children, let alone presents. Only rarely does he manage to send a card to our adult children. At Christmas he gives each of those a money present - exactly the same amount for each of them, regardless of whether or not they have children. He says it is up to them if they use any of it for their children (his g.children).
Why do not you talk to your parents about this matter - find out how they feel and if they just feel that the whole christmas thing has got to commercialised and they do not want to be part of it - then respect their wishes.
Your daughter is on the edge of entering teenage years and then on to adulthood, there will be far greater disappointments in her life, than missing out on a few presents from her g.parents.

As long as your daughter does not get the idea in her head that your parents are like this because of something she has/hasn't done then don't worry too much. Just tell her that all families are different, and that lack of attention of presents from her grandparents does not mean they love her any less, they are just different.

If the occasion arises, I think I would have a conversation with your daughter that "it's sad granny and grandpa don't join in with birthdays and Christmas isn't it? I'm not sure why they're like that, but they miss out on all our fun. We'll just have to make our fun and happy times won't we".

They clearly aren't going to change at this stage of their lives, and one way or another your daughter is going to have to live with that.

@Davida1968 that is the most important! That little girl should never think it's her fault x

She sounds like a horrible MIL Hetty so it's probably just as well....

We had this happen and it does feel hurtful. In our case their were other grandchildren that got treated very differently.
We tried to save a little money on the lead up to Christmas so that there would be a few more presents under the tree. It resulted in us becoming a very close small family and even now my sons are adults this remains the same. I'm lucky that I now have a DGD and I have been able to spend a lot of time with her and treat her very differently to the way my sons were treated. My sons now have no contact with their grandmother but I do feel sorry they missed out on loving grandparents.

Depending on how "mature" your DD is, perhaps you could sit down together and have an honest chat about what/how/why your parents are like this, and why they are the grandparents that they are? In my experience, children can understand (and accept) a lot, if loving parents are clear and honest with them. Obviously this depends on your DD, but you might be able to outline the situation in very simple terms, making it clear that it's not her fault - they are just like that?

My neighbour was complaining about her lack of grandchildren. (I have six.) Her only son is living with a much older woman (has done so for years) and she sees no prospect whatsoever of 'the Virgin Mary' (as she calls her) ever producing a baby. She longs for a child to cuddle and spoil. Life just isn't fair, is it?

I don't think it's that important at all (unless you make it so). All families are different, and yes, your daughter will compare and notice that.

My paternal grandparents died before I was born, my maternal gran when I was five, then Grandad when I was sixteen. I remember getting 'pocket money' when we visited and little presents - but overall the love and friendship were what counted.

The blood ties are irrelevant, really. My 'uncle and aunt' (not real relations, but friends of my father) were in touch a lot more.

I had to protect my kids from my own mother (with MH problems) but my sister was loving and generous when they were little. So, families are different, that's all!

Oh yes! And I had two sets of grandparents. The maternal set were very involved. The paternal set gave us 50 dollars at christmas and we barely saw them except when my parents were separated and my dad dumped us on his mother at times. Otherwise? Nowhere to be found. Some grandparents are not good at reaching out in general and just sit and wait. They live their own lives...
Now, my only grandparents are the paternal set, and I've gravitated towards them as an adult! They make no efforts to call me, but they are very happy when I'm around. So...maybe your daughter needs to get older and if she wants, she'll forge her own relationship with them.

I would perhaps beef up her presents this year and do something special, like bake cookies or pie together.
Just shower her with love. Grandparents are an amazing addition to a full life. But they aren't necessary. I hope your parents are just very practical people, living their own lives. They might just be oblivious. Maybe you could talk to them? They don't know they are being weird. But they are unlikely to change.

I do sincerely hope they leave you their money when they are gone.

And I hope they'd run to you if you needed help.

I wasn't meaning to tell @MumofOne to use those words! Those are my words and I don't lie to my children that's all! Whatever age appropriate truth fits the situation. The deep truth in my case is much much worse so I answer questions with general truth not nasty upsetting specifics x

Grandparents don’t actually have to be interested! It’s not compulsory, it may be sad for you but you will cope!

I certainly wouldn't be telling your daughter that her grandparents are selfish and mean. When you do have to answer her questions I would just say that they are very busy and they don't really have time to spend much time with your own family. If she specifically asks about gifts just say some people don't really bother and leave it at that.

It's difficult when children are aware of the differences between families MumofOne but I'm sure if you explain as MOnica said that some grandparents are just not interested in children. Keep it low key and don't disparage the Grandparents. You will ensure your daughter has a wonderful time at Christmas, don't let the situation upset you as this will affect your daughter.

Wow notanan2 so many examples of awful grandparents! Helped me understand why some adult children get pissed off.

How awful - all about them.

My parents were a bit like this. My daughter noticed for similar reasons. My parents just couldn’t interact with children ( my upbringing is another story). However my very determined daughter decided at around eleven to write to my parents, newsy letters, send postcards and chat on the phone. She MADE my parents have a relationship with her ?. I don’t why she thought of doing this. However she did do it building a relationship and was an enormous support to me when my mother became ill. She could calm and reason with grandma. She also managed a bit of a relationship with my dad who warmed to her when she got older. He just couldn’t relate to children. Would your daughter speak on the phone occasionally when you call them, send a postcard from holiday, send the school/sport/activity photo, write a thank you letter for a gift even if it doesn’t hit the spot? Some people really need a nudge. Worth a try?

By the time I was your daughter's age all my grandparents had died. None of them were particularly keen on small children, nor were they all very generous, but they were all kind thank goodness.

I agree with some of the other posters. Keep it light, laugh it off, accept them for how they are. Some grandparents are clearly over the top and thus go to the other extreme. And go on being lovely with your daughter.

There's nothing you can do to change the way your parents are with your D MumOfOne and I agree with other posters that this is probably upsetting you more than it is your D.

If she mentions it, or asks directly I would suggest that you say that not all GP's are the same, just like not all people are. Some GP's are not as attentive as others.

I agree with BlueBell that you shouldn't tell her they're not very nice and/or mean. If you keep it light, I'm sure she'll just accept that her GP's just aren't like the GP's some of her friends have.

You are worrying about this far more than you need to in my view. Your daughter will see many things in life that are different to her circumstances and that is part of life. I would just say to her that we are all different and that her grandparents are just not into giving lots of gifts/playing games or whatever. Other people's grandparents are different!!

Out of interest what are your parents like in terms of gift buying/giving to you/your partner? Is it noticeably different to what happens with your daughter? Or what happened with you as a child?

My MIL was always very "minimal" in her present giving to our two children. We never commented really and as the children got older they just accepted that was how she was. Probably mesmerised by the second hand vivid orange nylon shortie nightie that I was presented with by her one year!!! She then said she thought it would go with my hair!!!!