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worrying myself silly

(18 Posts)
Theresa7 Sun 22-Dec-19 23:41:30

I honestly don't know what I am expecting but I would be appreciative of any words of advice.

My 9 year old granddaughter has been living with me for all of this year and her mother has now announced that she is taking her away for 2 nights in January.

The reason I have her living with me is that her mother is a drug addict and drinks heavily, if I hadn't taken her she would be in care, police and social services (useless) have been involved.

I am very much against this little 'holiday' as I cannot trust her mother to stay clean and sober.

Any advice please

Evie64 Sun 22-Dec-19 23:47:02

Firstly, I'm so so sorry to hear of your predicament, how awful for you. Contact Social Services. Tell them you have safeguarding concerns and let them advise you. If you don't want them involved, then say no to your daughter and tell her why? Last resort I suppose would be to go with them or lie and say your GD is unwell, vomiting or something? I'll be thinking of you.

Theresa7 Mon 23-Dec-19 00:00:57

Thank you Evie64,

I will have to contact social services I think, it's the only way really and as they have already been involved hopefully it will be a fairly easy call.

I just needed some confirmation I guess that I am doing the right thing

GagaJo Mon 23-Dec-19 00:08:50

I agree with Evie64.

Evie64 Mon 23-Dec-19 00:20:16

Good luck Theresa, you have your GD best interests at heart and that's all that matters.

Stella14 Mon 23-Dec-19 00:26:34

Theresa7, I absolutely think you are doing the right thing if sge is still drinking/using. Perhaps the threat of involving Social Services if she doesn’t abandon the idea would be enough? Did the matter go to Family court? Do you have a residence order? Were formal contact arrangements agreed? I imagine if all this was done, given her substance use, the arrangement would be supervised contact. If for any reason these formalities were undertaken, you should probably contact Social Services again, explain and request that the situation is put before the family court.

Naty Mon 23-Dec-19 10:43:41

Protect your grandchild. The mother sounds negligent. If she threatens you, get family services involved but obviously don't get her taken away. Maybe you could offer a compromise? Make it a family weekend. Like offer to go with them or pay for a part of the weekend or cook something delicious to share. Best of luck. My heart goes out to you.

jacq10 Mon 23-Dec-19 11:00:36

I think there are a lot of factors to be taken into consideration. What kind of trip is DD planning - visiting relatives, fun time with DGD? Does DGD want to go? At 9yr old she will be mature enough (especially after experiencing her mother's lifestyle before she came to you) to say how she feels about it.

NotSpaghetti Mon 23-Dec-19 11:04:47

I think Jacq10 has some good points.
If it seems unlikely to be safe, can you volunteer to go too?

lavenderzen Mon 23-Dec-19 11:15:16

Theresa so sorry to hear about this, I really do understand from past experiences. Personally I wouldn't let her go it sounds too risky. 2 days is too long. Could you take her just for a visit and explain why to your daughter. These are difficult situations.

Lots of good advice here. You are doing what is best for your grand daughter and just to be on the safe side contact your Social Worker and explain.

I send my best wishes to you all.

leyla Mon 23-Dec-19 11:17:28

It would be a no from me, unless you go too.

Tedber Mon 23-Dec-19 11:40:53

Depends! Is the mother your daughter? Has she undergone any programs. I’d she making any attempt to get clean? Do you know for certain she will consume when she has her daughter or are you assuming she will? Where does she intend going? Has she lost parental responsibility? Are you officially GD guardian?

Well done for stepping up but I think if the mother is taking appropriate steps then the relationship should be encouraged by you. Small steps at a time.

What am trying to say is Don’t veto it simply because you don’t like it. Been in a similar situation with a son in law. Hated the kids seeing him but they were so unhappy not seeing him and now he has turned things around and become a superb father! Everyone is happy. It can happen! Good luck.

wildswan16 Mon 23-Dec-19 12:36:26

How difficult for you. I think it does depend on a lot of things that we don't know. You say you can't trust your daughter so I presume you are fairly certain she is not yet free of drugs/alcohol. If that is the case, then your GD's safety must come first.

It may also depend on where they were going - back to her house, or to another relative etc. Will there be another adult around to keep an eye on things.

How does your GD feel about the idea - is she comfortable spending time alone with her mum.

You certainly need to discuss it with SS and listen to your GD feelings. She is so lucky to have you looking after her well-being.

Theresa7 Mon 23-Dec-19 15:55:22

Thanks for all your replies and advice.

whilst we haven't been to court all the authorities know about the case, mum isn't even allowed to pick the child up from school. There have been regular multi disciplinary meetings at the school but her mother hasn't attended despite being invited.

I am going to refuse and will deal with any fallout, in the new year I will look at making things more official.

Thank you everybody, have a nice Christmas

notanan2 Mon 23-Dec-19 15:58:12

Stick to your guns. It'll be hard/heartbreaking, but if you let her mum take her then child services wont consider you a safe alternative to official foster care any more. Ring the police if you need help. Hope you get some moments of peace and joy in between all of this x

endlessstrife Mon 23-Dec-19 16:10:33

Who is the legal guardian? If her mum isn’t allowed to pick her up from school, then she surely can’t take her away. Protect your GD whatever the cost.

notanan2 Mon 23-Dec-19 16:17:50

Parents who are not allowed to be alone with children can still be the one with PR and still get to have a say re schooling etc when the child is fostered so its not as simple as that.

Children sometimes dont even live with their legal guardians and others are under childrens court. Its not black n white.

To prove herself as an appropriate alternative to official foster care the OP has to prove that she wont put the child at RISK of potential future harm (incl emotional). So even if the mum took her and all was fine, the GM could then lose the option to family foster.

Alishka Mon 23-Dec-19 18:03:26

Theresa7, I'm sure you've come to the right conclusionsmile So I'm going to wish you and your granddaughter a really happy christmas, is she excited? Do you have a tree?
I so admire that you stepped up to the plate and I hope that this christmas is stress free for you. Time to consolidate the paperwork is a job for early next year.
All the very very best.