Grandma or not

Newatthis

I think it might be different if she was the step-gran but they are not married or even living together as she has only been on the scene a few weeks. She also sent cards to the other grandchildren (on SIL's side) who are mainly all teenagers, young adults and they have been very upset by it as they can remember their 'real' grandma.

Well they, or Sil need to tell her.

I have two GC by my adopted daughter, and one GD by my DD through an egg donor. My first ‘blood relation’ GS is due shortly. I don’t look on any of them other than as my dear grandchildren, and the new one will receive no different treatment than the other three.
It’s sad when children resent their parents moving on into a new relationship ( though if they appear to be ‘gold-diggers it’s understandable) My widowed friend’s sons were very suspicious of her new friend. Once they had got to know him, though, they were happy because she was happy again.
By pushing in and imposing herself as the New Nanna this woman could be shooting herself in the foot. If she is as unsuitable as the family think I hope that Grandpa will see sense before too long. There is nothing that you can do except grin and bear it. I’m confident that it won’t affect your own relationship with your GC.

grandchildren are not a possession ! I have 4 step-grandchildren they call me by my first name but I am their step gran ,I TREAT THEM AS IF THEY WERE MY BLOOD and have a better relationship with them than their actual grandmother This woman has overstepped the mark though

Agree with Naty

Don't worry about it. She's probably bizarre in every sense. Her behaviour won't be that of a true grandma. She will never be your GC's gran! Her actions will speak louder than the word "grandma".

You are right to be concerned for the wrong reasons.

This is not a grandma competition.
This is about a stranger with a dubious reputation asserting her status way too soon
You, as a good grandma with a good track record, have nothing to worry about. She is no competition to you. She is not here to replace you or give her some of your time

What do the parents of the child think? Only because she calls herself nanna means nothing.
Fil obviously likes her and doesnt mind she behaves like a 16 year old.

Let's not forget that fil is the main character in this episode - he is dating an adult teenager, with bad reputation and he is allowing her to call herself nanna.
Men don't think with their upper brains many times. They use their lower brain.

Men don't get a pass for their companion' s actions and she becomes the guilty one. I hate it.

Wouldn’t worry about what she calls herself. Nanna, Grandma,Grannies are just “names” to young children. They could be saying Mary, Harry etc. The sentiment is not there. Older children will decide for themselves what to call a “newbie”.

It’s not for you to be worried about this relationship but I hope “Dad” has got his wits about him! It may all be hearsay of course but just in case... think son should have a wee chat with him? Might not be well received though? Tough one.

It seems as if the adult understandable suspicion of this woman’s motives is spreading to the children. I can understand the upset but think probably best to simply ignore how she signs herself in cards. It will be harder for your son in law and his siblings to manage what their children actually call her when face to face. Try not to be hurt by the signature, your relationship is unique and new person truly will make no difference to your relationship with your granddaughter.

My father remarried several years after my mum died and after I had married. I had my first son a month after the wedding. My both my son's only ever knew her and I chose that they called her Nanny, I am not aware that my husbands mother ever minded. However I always called her by her Christian name and as I said it was my choice, had she decided to call herself Nanny without asking I would have viewed it differently.

I think the choice must come from the child's parents but I would suggest that, with some many broken marriages, many children are born with more than 2 sets of "grandparents". There are many variations of nana and grandad - my children were raised in France so my gc call me mamie and my husband, who is not their blood grandad, papie. I think how blessed these gcs are, loved by so many people, blood relatives or not.

I had four grannies and grandads and the only one I was wary of was the one who was a bit possessive and wanted to be the the most important, special granny.

I did sense this even as a small child and couldn’t talk to her naturally about things I enjoyed with the other grandparents. As I got older I resented having to filter what I told her and almost apologise for loving other grandparents. In the end she was the one I had least contact with - it was too much of a strain. She wasn’t nasty, just perpetually ‘hurt’.

The grandparents who lived abroad, who I didn’t see until I left school, I adored because they were so positive and rejoiced in everything I did, even though they had no physical part in it. Only now do I appreciate just how loving and emotionally generous they were.

Be careful OP. If you try to be the one and only and make your feelings clear to those around you, it may backfire on you.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oh dear, families are so complicated aren't they? I read somewhere that you can't control other people , only yourself; I think that's true. Being hurt and bitter is not a good look, although I identify with that from my own current situation.I would suggest trying to be the bigger person and carry on as normal being cheerful and supportive. I had a step-father; he came into my life when I was in my early 20s. My father died when I was 16 years old. S-F made my mother happy and was there for all of us. My children called him Grampy John and they all loved each other unreservedly. He enhanced out lives beyond measure until he died some years ago. Stay strong, be patient, be yourself and see how the situation rolls. Ultimately our families owe us very little and being bitter can alienate rather than strengthen. That's not to say I don't hear your pain. Good luck .

You cannot change the situation so you will have to change your attitude towards it or you could end up bitter and resentful.

Having another "grandparent" in the family will not change your grandchilds feelings towards you and the rest of it, no offence, is nothing to do with you.

Dear Newatthis, it takes a village to raise a child, we are told. I must say that I feel very torn and quite hurt by some of the comments here about step-grandmothers. Jealousy doesn’t become blood relations at all - although I can see that in your specific instance, your family may have some cause to be concerned.

In our case, we have been married for 15 years, and my husband was a widower with teenage children when we met.

I am called Nana Bazinga by my step grandchildren, aged 1-10, this name was the choice of their mothers. I was happy to be called Bazinga, much nicer, I feel!

But I’m afraid that one of their ‘real’ (blood) grandmothers and her family, have been very unpleasant and dismissive of me.

I also know that I have been called a gold digger by one ’real’ grandmother, although in fact it’s my money that has paid for quite a few holidays, toys and furniture, etc, for my step children and their children.

I do hope that your fears don’t come to fruition.

Don't worry about it

Just calmly carry on with your relationship with your grandchildren and don't allow yourself to get upset about her behaviour

make it clear .go visit them and send a card with your picture on it saying love from grandma.,and say i'm your grandma .that would annoy me too.my d mil calls my d her daughter and the grandma calls my d her grandaughter even gets her a christmas card with gd on it...when mil lived near by i told her that makes me your daughter which i am truly not. her answer was well she's my daughter now... least to say there was an argument .really says me well on her birth certidfficate i am her mother not you.i can see why but made me upset anyway.. as for his new wife with her silly little girl ways .he soon get fed up of it ,and people will laugh at him. have you had a word with your dad?

My husband was a widower when I married him and my step daughter asked me what I would like her two little girls )who were too young to know their real grandmother ) to call me.
I said by my first name .
( I have to say that at my age I love being called by my Christian name.
Makes me feel younger)

Newatthis I know exactly how you feel, all over Christmas I had my ex’s new wife’s role as the GCs Nanny, as in Nanny and I did this etc etc. It shouldn’t hurt but it does and we can’t do a thing about it. In time they will know who is who. Chin up.

Although I call mine step grandchildren and grandchildren to other people, I wouldn't be referred to as such by the under 10s. My husband was with me when both my actual grandchildren were born and is naturally therefore grandad. My grandson prefers him to me actually.

I bet these women read the obituary column in the news paper to find their next husband!! Modern day black widow but without the death!!

Quite a worry for you all, but quite inevitable too that the father will indeed move on..albeit sometimes, with someone that the family don’t feel drawn to.
Take heart though, you are “Grandma”, there’s only one Grandma and this lady realises this and has chosen another name to be known by..Nanna. Perhaps give her some credit for not “taking” your preferred name!
In this day and age, children may well have more than a few grandparents, nice if we get on with the others, shame if we don’t, but that is life.
Just carry on being You and enjoying your gc.

It's rare for children to have what used to be the norm, that is two sets of grandparents. Some of our grandchildren have four grannies. Better than having no grannies. Family life has changed and we have to go with that.

When I was in my 20's my Mum got with a man who tried to impose himself on our family very quickly. He would turn up to family events and was the cause of many family arguements because we snubbed him. He 'worked' on the younger children because children are easier to bend and accept. My Mum was besotted with this man and couldnt understand why we detested her 'new love'.
As a family we stood united against this man, and from what you say Newatthis, the rest of your family are united in their dislike of the gold digger. Your SILs father is probably feeling lonely and flattered that a 'lady' is making him feel young again. I hope the rest of the family can make him see sense before it ends in a family rift.
And believe me, all this pushing herself to be 'nanna' will have the opposite effect than what she hopes.. None can take away the Nan that you already are, so please try and not let this upset you. It is very unlikely the relationship will last for long!

I think it might be different if she was the step-gran but they are not married or even living together as she has only been on the scene a few weeks. She also sent cards to the other grandchildren (on SIL's side) who are mainly all teenagers, young adults and they have been very upset by it as they can remember their 'real' grandma.