Feeling hurt, should I say something?

If she’s anything like my sister in law and (by association) my brother it’s probably a lost cause. Your experiences mirror mine over many years (especially the event with others which you weren’t invited to) and neither of them have spoken to me for 3 years and I don’t know why (by brother is dominated by his wife so no point I. asking him). This time I decided on an ‘oh well’ policy. As a widow my life is too short to worry about them so I concentrate on establishing a new life in a different part of the country with people who want to know me rather than those who one feels obligated to associate with as they are ‘family’. And it’s working ! Hope things resolve for you.

I'm with you JulieMM as I've had a similar situation. Once you realise jealousy is the problem things seem clearer. You can only control your own behaviour not other people's so the fault is theirs.

If your summery of the situation is correct, and I don't say that to intimate you are lying. More that we have a tendency to read things in context of our own thoughts and motives.
As you said you were once very close friends, I would assume something has happened to make her 'dislike' you.
Not that you necessarily did anything at all.

IMV the problem is in her head, and trying to winkle it out will get you no where but more trouble.
You will have to accept this recent hurt, but as granbabies123 said perhaps you can meet up with your niece separately?
Even if it doesn't work out this time, perhaps you could try to start a new tradition of meeting up with nieces and nephews on you own in future.
That way you will avoid her and the n&n's will be able to get to know you better, with the chance of making up their own minds about you, should they hear gossip.

I've been in the same position quite a few times, and it feels dreadful doesn't it? To be deliberately 'engineered' out of a group'
Can you make stronger bonds with other members of the family?
It would be better to deal with those that want to keep in touch with you, rather than focus on this misery guts.

I don’t think I would want to be with my SIL if that’s the way you are treated.

Let it go, and enjoy the party.

My SiL is the same was really nasty, I agree with vampire queen and the next post leave her to it.

Mamma66,
I doubt if you would get anywhere by trying to talk to her. She is unreasonable. She would be unreasonable and upset you even more. Hold on to what your younger brother said. Be sure that he is not the only one who thinks this.

I am so sorry she cuts you out. I am sure she is jealous of you. There are quite a lot of people like this in the world and we will all probably come across them in one place or another. I expect she is horrible to your brother behind closed doors. The best you can do is to show him you are there for him and to ignore her as far as is humanly possible.

I am truly sorry she hurt you by cutting you out of the girls' outing. I don't know if one of the other members of the group could keep you informed about any future events so you can get round her attempts to not inform you.

Being inexplicably hurt and cruelly treated by somebody, often in the family, is a common distressing problem brought to the forum of Gransnet. It shows how many of these cruel people exist. We are almost all likely to bump into one of them in some sphere of our life at some time. Such people will not change and will not be reasonable. It might be that they had an unhappy childhood, as you said, but research suggests that more people from unhappy childhoods do not behave like them. they choose to be nasty and are responsible for their behaviour. They get a kick out of it, as simple as that. Trying to reason with them is therefore completely pointless and only leads to more pain for you. They will turn anything you say against you and probably tell lies too. Avoiding them and learning how to protect yourself from their nastiness and not let it hurt you is the best way forward.

They will have been noticed by others in their evil deeds. Many people, scared of falling foul of their bullying, will suck up to them and try to cover up for them. They will become part of their gang, as with the gang of bullies in the school playground. Ignore those people. Just remain serene and do not engage in any kind of ''discussion" with the the nasty person or with those who are supporting her.

Good luck. I expect she is keeping you away from your brother, whom she is cutting off from his family. Make sure you keep in touch with him. Perhaps you can see him at a time and place away from her, maybe in his lunch break? He will need you one day. Right now he may still be trying to understand her and be embarrassed to admit she is horrible. Don't bring up her nastiness with him but let him talk about her if he needs to.

Wishing you all the best, lots of love, Elle x.

Ignore. It would likely be denied that there is any issue anyway.

What a horrible situation for you - I can sympathise fully.
However, through bitter experience I have learned that you rarely get anywhere with 'clearing the air' - having tried this there was a complete denial of all nastiness and I achieved nothing. (Except to give proof that I had been upset and noticed what was being said and done) I told myself then that the awful behaviour said a great deal more about the other person than me, and although I couldn't alter her attitude I could modify mine. I retained a cheerful, don't care attitude and at social gatherings I was light hearted and friendly to all. Gradually the poisonous behaviour didn't matter to me any more, and years later several family members commented on what a nasty piece of work this person had been - and seemingly it was not just to me. You sound like sensitive and kind woman, and often jealousy is at the root - ignore her, laugh, and enjoy your family times - the very best revenge.

I also like marpau's reply.

When someone is continually unkind for no apparent reason it’s often because they’re jealous! I always told my children this when they were growing up and it helped them to feel better about themselves. Sadly it’s your sister in law’s problem - don’t make it yours. X

You could ask the others,at the party,( the 1s who went on the outing?) Why you werent asked as well? See if their 'reasons' tally? As for the SIL 's comment about 'having a lot on'- is this where its stemmed from? Has something occurred which you have not realised,and offended her?- maybe another relative needed taking to an appt or somewhere for example & you didnt offer so theyve had to step up maybe? Hence the ' weve all got a lot on' comment?try think back & see? If not just ask her what(or if?) you have have done to offend her? Then answer her according to what it is.If you havent then say you would like to get along better with her& be included next time? Clearly theres something happened if she used to be ok with you previously?

If the situation is that bad then you don't lose anything by asking her if you've done something to offend her but if it's something you can put up with then do so with a smile on your face. I do wonder if your niece knows you weren't invited to the earlier get together.

I'd just ignore it completely. I wouldn't allow somebody like that to upset me in the first place.

I'd have a low opinion of them, obviously, (but keep it to myself) so anything they thought, did or said wouldn't matter to me. Why would I care whether they liked me or not?

My stock answer to catty remarks is did you say that to be funny or just unkind?

Some sound advise as usual on Gransnet.
Have you thought of inviting your niece out for afternoon tea just the two of you as a special bithday treat, much nicer than sharing her and being on eggshells.
Enjoy party

I disagree, she is a thick skinned sociopath and she won't feel a damn thing. However if you glide in and carry on, she will be raging. Oh and make up some fun thing you did while they were in their clique.

I would be very tempting to “call her out” next time. Something like “Do you find it easy to be so unpleasant, or do you have to work hard at it”?
Said, of course, with a beatific smile on your face ...

I tend to agree with Lukka. I would go up to the woman and ask her straight out what you have done to offend her. This will probably make her feel uncomfortable. She may tell you, or may not. Either way, you've got nothing to lose.

Are the other aunts your SIL's own sisters? If they are, perhaps your younger brother is right about her preferring to be surrounded by her own family... If, by your own admission, you can be tactless, perhaps you touched a particularly sensitive nerve at some point. It may be worth asking her in those sorts of terms...if you feel it is not already too late.....but, perhaps, NOT couched in terms of your hurt about the day's outing....

I agree. It's quite likely, from what you say, that she would wish you to feel the slight. So if you appear oblivious to it, you will have twice the satisfaction. You will know you behaved gracefully AND you will have won that particular little episode.

What vampire and urmston say is good advice. Let it lie. She probably won't have a coherent answer to such a question anyway. Read her behaviour.

Maybe your younger brother is right.

Shrug and carry on being you.

Oh I totally agree with previous posters let it ride over you and enjoy you’re relationship with all the others
I can understand your hurt at being left out I would be hurt too it was nasty but it’s past now give your positive vibes to all those who do care

You can't win a game like this! Who knows why she dislikes you - she probably doesn't even know herself. You will never make her like you. Just ride above it. Paint a smile on your face and go to the party!

Remember this, what goes around comes around. Bide your time and you may have the last laugh. Don't let anyone in the family know this has hurt you, that would be playing into their hands.

Ignore her
She has the problem.. Not you