Feeling hurt, should I say something?

I think the advice given to ask her calmly and politely what the problem is may be the best solution. If she can’t answer I’m the same vein then the problem is hers. Leave her to it. Protect yourself. You have been hurt, understandably so. Make this one attempt when it feels the right moment for you, and as I suspect she won’t be able to answer in a kindly or open way- then avoid her at all costs. Your well-being is more important. Don’t feel you have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable for the sake of ‘the family’ Time to put caring for yourself first. I hope this is of some help.
Courage! Good Luck! At least you will have tried.

Phew @ Tonk & Starlady!

Was wondering for a bit why I was the only poster thinking its okay for adult siblings to get together with their kids without always being obliged to invite all inlaws every time!

It seems the OP has form for getting the hump at not being seen as one of the sisters, when she isnt one! Shes extended family and is invited to extended family things. The SIL os allowed an "inner circle" we all are!

I wouldn't walk on eggshells for her. I would say what I wanted, and if she didn't like it, oh well. Except for being "tactless." IMO, you really should try to watch that. But if that isn't the issue w/ her, then no worries.

If you simply can't tolerate her harsh reactions (and who could?), then I think your inclination not to be around her is correct, and you should avoid it. So maybe it's just as well you weren't on that girls outing, and sorry to say, maybe SIL feels the same way about being w/ you. The two of you may just be oil and water. Generally speaking, in fact, I would say to steer clear of her steer clear of her even if/when you have to be at the same event and try not to get into discussions w/ others in front of her.

But I just saw the post about these aunts being SIL's sisters. So perhaps it was mostly for her side of the family? Your DB (dear brother) told you she's only comfortable w/ them. Believe him. That probably explains it. Now please put it out of your mind and look forward to enjoying that party!

I was hurt because I was the only aunt not to be invited, but the others are my SIL’s sisters.

Hang on OP, was this a get together held by SIL’s side of the family? Do you even know if it was organised by your SIL? Could one of your niece’s aunts have organised it as a treat for their side of the family?

If this was a celebration your niece was having with the other side of her family, then I’m not sure why you’d be invited to be honest. There isn’t anything wrong with socialising with each side of the family individually. In fact, we can’t all be invited to every social engagement all of the time otherwise every get together would be the size of a wedding!

Well, although two wrongs don't make a right you could consider arranging an all female event yourself; spa day - afternoon tea - theatre trip etc and exclude the sister-in-law.

Alternatively, be the bigger person, rise above it and don't let her see that she gets under your skin. Many of us have that someone in the family that behaves just the same as your SIL, yes it's hurtful but stressing over it simply makes us miserable

Pat123. Thank you. So sorry you are lumbered with a horrible SiL. Do keep an eye on your brother as best you can. He may have a difficult life. At the extreme end one needs to just be aware that the narcissistic types who wreak havoc in people's lives always take their partner almost into captivity and cut them off from their family and friends. They also tell lies about them, well, they lie all the time actually. Not that your SiL is on the extreme end but she is keeping your brother away from his family... very unhealthy. What amazes me is just how common this is becoming! Honestly!

Mamma66.
I'm so glad you have decided to go to the Party on Saturday and "behave with good grace and rise above it". Good for you! It's not easy, when you have felt hurt, but you've done really well to come to this decision. I think going to the party in this way will help you, now and in the future. You sound much more confident. Don't let anything pull you down. Michelle Obama said, when asked how she coped with insults and nasty comments, "Always go above them". She was saying what you said really, be gracious and hold your head up and don't let them pull you into any kind of nasty row or horrible atmosphere.

As you can see, many of us have met people, within the family and outside, who have been upsetting towards us for no reason. It just happens. I can even remember a Teacher who came to our school when I was in the sixth form and for no reason any of us could work out, she kept picking on me. I had been very popular with the Teacher she replaced and always had good comments on reports from all my Teachers. But she could have ruined my school life. I had to be really tough to keep up my morale and know I was not the nasty person. When someone picks on you the only way to survive is to look after yourself and not take them seriously, and never get into arguments with them. Remember who you are, what others think of you. There will be plenty of people at the party for you to be with so you can relax and enjoy yourself and keep away from her.

I do hope that in the future you are able to maintain those relationships you want to keep without any interference from this person. There are lots of good ideas here from these wise Grans on how to meet up. As for the SiL, try to minimise the effect she can have on you, remember, it is she who has problems not you, and avoid her as much as possible, and avoid arguments with her, even leave the room if she starts picking on you. Just smile and say, "Excuse me, I must just pop to the loo."

Wishing you much happiness. I hope that your brother's worries soon are overcome. Wishing you all a great time on Saturday and that you all enjoy the 21st Birthday Party! (Please let us know how it goes! If it is not a cheek to ask!)

Well worked out Mama66. Enjoy the party

Mamma66 that's good to read - you have a great time with the young people who care about you and let the nasty one boil in her own bile if she must; set her an example of how to enjoy your life and you never know - you might make a better person of her yet!

Brilliant synopsis Ellie (Tillybelle) you've hit the nail right on the head. There are so many nasty people like this sister in law, I have one myself, she doesn't want me to speak to or see my brother, she turns down all invitations on my brother's side of the family. People like your SIL are selfish and self absorbed and they have very thick skins. Their nastiness is based on jealousy, low self esteem, bitchiness, it will never be their own fault, they will always blame the other person. Steer well clear, avoid them and pretend you don't care. Good luck xx

If all the aunts were sisters there is nothing unusual about them wanting a get together just them and their daughters without inviting all inlaws along too every time.

Well I would not lose sleep over it. SIL sounds as if she is not someone you would want to spend more time with than is absolutely necessary! When you meet, make sure you talk positively and cheerfully about your interesting life, do not sound pissed off you did not get to join the other event but be positive and smiley if/when they mention it. Then go home and get on with the things that make you happy.

Not everything has to be "invite everyone"

You are invited to the 21st. People can get together in all sorts of other configurations theres nothing wrong with that.

Were the other aunts all on her mums side? Maybe they wanted to do something just with that side?

From personal experience I completely agree with Rosina. It is so hurtful at the time, and to be on the receiving end of unkind treatment from family is really upsetting , but keep smiling, I wouldn’t raise it with your SiL , not worth all the hassle. You do sound like a lovely kind person, hope you can put the hurt to one side, continue being lovely, cheerful and friendly to all, in the end others will see her behaviour for what it is.

I've tried in the past to make things better between me and a couple of family members. I've tried writing letters, and in person explaining I want to clear the air, become closer etc .etc. and why. Wanting reasonable discussion and to find resolution.

It just backfired, caused more of a rift. People will read what they want to, see things how they want to see them, twist what you say and distort what you say to justify themselves. They won't change and as a PP said some hate to be challenged or confronted by their behaviours and attitudes. It can make things worse.

I learned the hard way to just leave it and it made me change my own viewpoint and find a different perspective. It's all one can do with difficult personalities. Your SIL sounds irrational. So maybe let it go OP, and know you are the stronger and more pleasant personality. Her problem.

I'd say nothing. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing she's upset you.

Someone suggested your sister-in-law might be jealous and I think this could be so.

Rise above it. I can see why you're displeased.

Today 11:27 marpau

“My stock answer to catty remarks is did you say that to be funny or just unkind?“

That is a great thing to say marpau .. strangely enough my hubby said to exactly that to people ... ive has alsorts if rubbish thrown at me recently and the worm is turning ... I will use that one

I have been on the receiving end of this kind of treatment over the years and it doesn't bother me now . I used to get hurt , angry upset but now I smile sweetly and ignore it. I think it's jealousy to be honest . I wouldn't give the satisfaction of letting her know you are hurt , after all isn't that what she's hoping to achieve and she'll only turn it around on you . When it's done to me now I just think who cares . Karma comes knocking eventually !

For some reason she is jealous of you. There is a saying that I think of about certain people, it goes something like this...

I am too old to worry whether people like me or not.
I strive to help and be kind to everyone.
If they love me, I love them.
If they like me, I like them.
If they hate me, I don’t care because life goes on with or without them.

My advise is. Let her get on with it. She is not important in your life. Is she?

I have got used to not being invited to family events since I was widowed 21 years ago - culminating in my sister in law telling me that I wouldn't be receiving an invitation to my gt niece's wedding as it was 'family' only. I just shrugged it off but my niece found out (not from me), spoke to her daughter and I received an invitation along with everyone else. Not the first time my sister in law has said something along these lines either - I do wonder sometimes what would have happened if I had died and her brother was still here, I doubt he would not have been invited along. My gt niece knew nothing about it at all so might be worth asking your niece to a special tea as she might not have any idea you weren't included.

May7 Love the Michelle Obama quote - very classy. I shall let that be my guiding light.

Menopausalbitch - she had a hysterectomy quite a few years ago, so not that.

I have really taken on board the responses given today. I don’t think that she is a very happy person, she certainly isn’t very happy in her own skin.

I am going to rise above it, I don’t think that she is being deliberately bitchy, I just think she is unhappy and I happen to be in her firing line. Time to pull up my big girl pants, practice my best smile and rise above it with as much grace as I can possibly muster

Thanks everyone, it really has helped ?

I’d ignore it - you won’t get any sense out of her and she’ll probably enjoy the fact that she’s got under your skin. You’ll be the bad one for ‘challenging’ her and upsetting her (which is how she’ll present it to the wider world) and your brother will be forced to side with her. No good will come of saying something to her

Perhaps you could take round your gift (or card if not giving a gift) for the 21st …..she may answer the door !!!! If not, and you know where the party is, why don't you and your partner ;unwittingly' book a table/ go for a drink/ at the venue of the party …...that is what I would do, but then I am like that !!!! Hope you resolve things if that is what you want …...difficult for the birthday person who may not know you haven't been invited ! OR you could ring your brother and talk to him …..good luck

If you are a kind and caring person and happy in your own skin that can be enough to rile someone like your SIL. Possibly call her out if she is nasty to you in a group setting by asking her if she meant to be so rude/unpleasant/unkind but I doubt that there is any point in reasoning with her. Rise above her attitude and enjoy yourself.

I wouldn’t be too harsh on your niece. Having her as a mother must be awful. I had a stepmother like this and for years she cast a damper on family occasions until I matured enough to let it all float over my head.

You could ask but she might come back with "why would you think that?" which might be awkward. Just be the bigger person, we can't get on with everyone and that's not always anyone's fault x