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How to cope with jealous daughter

(20 Posts)
JOJO60 Sun 09-Feb-20 11:37:18

My D seems to be jealous of anything I do for her brother. I have done my utmost to help her over the years - babysitting, financial help, emotional support, and I try to see her and my grandkids once a week even though she only brings them to see me when she wants something. My son has mental health issues and because I have been taking him out for lunch once a week, just to get him out of the house, she has flown off the handle, saying she would like to be invited too. I feel hurt and dismayed that she resents anything I do for him.. She has nothing good to say about him and criticises me for hoping he will one day get well. She can,t seem to understand that I love my son as well as her, and that he deserves help too. I feel like avoiding her, but I dont want to lose touch with my grandkids.. any advice would be much appreciated.

vampirequeen Sun 09-Feb-20 11:51:25

Does she believe that your DS is really ill? Sadly some people don't see MH issues as a 'real' illness.

JOJO60 Sun 09-Feb-20 12:12:18

She knows he is ill but because it is due to alcohol abuse when he was younger she thinks its his own fault, which it is. But he is trying hard to change his life. She is happy to write him off, but I cant.

leyla Sun 09-Feb-20 12:16:33

I have some sympathy with your daughter. Make sure you invite her (without grandchildren) for a regular treat too!

Tangerine Sun 09-Feb-20 12:20:25

You are in a difficult position.

Yes, it probably is your son's fault in the first instance but you say he's trying hard to change things now and he deserves your support.

It is a pity your daughter can't see things the same way. She has some right on her side, in theory, but she's making you and perhaps her brother unhappy.

Take of yourself too. Perhaps, to keep the peace, take her out to lunch or invite her to join you both on one or two occasions.

Hithere Sun 09-Feb-20 12:20:32

Does she think you are enabling your son? Is be doing everything he can do to get his mh under control?

Tangerine Sun 09-Feb-20 12:21:06

Sorry - I ought to have written "Take care of yourself too".

JOJO60 Sun 09-Feb-20 12:42:26

Thank you everyone, daughter had plenty of treats over the years. We took her and the kids on an all inclusive holiday 5 months ago plus spent Thousands on furniture and repairing her car last year when she split from partner and moved into her own home. Not to mention all the prams, cots, washing machines I've bought her since the grandkids were born. Son is now getting proper help and has a key worker. I just didn't want him to resort to drink again through depression and loneliness.

GrannyLaine Sun 09-Feb-20 12:48:15

JOJO60 for whatever reason she's hurting. It doesn't matter what you have given over the years, sibling rivalry is not rational but exists in the happiest of families. Why not simply take her out for lunch and have some one to one time with her?

Hithere Sun 09-Feb-20 12:49:16

Where do your dd and gc live now? Still with you?

When did your son start getting proper treatment?

When did your son start drinking?

I get a feeling this is not about money, but about attention and resentment from your dd due to the whole timeline of events, not about what's happening now.
There is a long history of alcoholism that is very harmful in a relarionship.

Are there any other addicts in the family?

I would stop throwing money right now. Money doesn't equal happiness. I feel you are using money to remedy this situation and it is not ovbiosuly working.

Does your dd feel there are strings attached with the presents and money?

Urmstongran Sun 09-Feb-20 13:04:30

Sit down in a cafe together and ask her what the issues are. Irrational, but maybe she feels hurt missing out on one-to-one time with you. It might be nothing to do with money.

MawB Sun 09-Feb-20 13:08:56

Is there any reason you could not invite her along too?
Sadly sibling rivalry does not stop when the children grow up and sometimes we have to tread warily.

JOJO60 Sun 09-Feb-20 13:17:48

Thank you again. I will invite her to join us this week.i know sibling rivalry can go on a long time, my daughter has been like this since she was little. Her brother who is older has never been like this.

Daisymae Sun 09-Feb-20 13:21:18

How to cope - well I think that the best way is to accept that she's not going to change. You can change your response to her though. You have done a lot for both of your children and that had to be enough. I would reply to her that you treat them according to their need. You can only do your best.

Grannyjay Sun 09-Feb-20 13:21:21

Some siblings can be simply jealous whatever you do to eliminate it. Sibling rivalry exist more in some families. Remind your daughter of the things you did for her to support her and that you love her and you love her brother too and supporting him in the way you think is best. Don’t fall into the guilt trip if you feel you have treated them both fairly. Sometimes this guilt trip is just a case of jealousy and greed.

JOJO60 Sun 09-Feb-20 13:37:58

Thank you everyone. It has helped me see things more clearly. I know in my heart I've done my best for both of them. D has never wanted to talk to me, even on holiday for 2weeks. Ignored my attempts to have a conversation and just glued to her phone. It's like I dont exist. I think I have to accept her the way she is, but do what I think is right whether she likes it or not. Thanks

Summerlove Sun 09-Feb-20 13:39:34

Alcoholism is often called a family disease.

The fact that you want to make sure your son doesn’t drink due to loneliness is admirable, but also sounds like you feel responsible for his recovery. You can’t put the work in for him, he needs to do it on his own.

I’ve seen it in my own family, the Alcoholic child without a family of their own is often coddled, while the functional child is emotionally cast aside and told to suck it up for their sibling. If they complain, anything ever done for them is thrown in their face.

Parents might be physically present with them, but are always emotionally with alcoholic child.

Please look into al-anon for yourself. You all need more support.

Hithere Sun 09-Feb-20 13:41:05


Wisest words ever written.

PamGeo Sun 09-Feb-20 13:45:37

It does sound like your daughter has had a lot of practical, financial help from you over the years but it sounds like your son hasn't needed this but he has needed your time and attention.
I'm wondering if, if she has always had the financial she doesn't feel as value of it as it's the easier option as opposed to individual time for you both.
Perhaps looking at the relationship you and your daughter have without the finances or grandchildren, maybe that's where she feels she's not getting her share of her mum.

I could be so far off the mark I know, but I do know someone who's daughter puts so many demands on her parents it's ridiculous.
They are basically running 2 homes financially but what she cannot see is how she never ever spends any positive time with her daughter. It is all about the grandchild, everything revolves around her child and I think the money they throw around is to ease their conscience because they know this.
It might be good for them if they could improve their own relationship with each other, that way you're not piggy in the middle.

Grannyjay Sun 09-Feb-20 17:47:56

Can I say some comments are well intentioned but you know you son and daughter better than anyone here and please don’t take some of the advice as blame towards you. We as readers see the little picture and advise on that or our own personal experiences. Good luck with trying to improve relationships with your children