Son seperated and I feel betrayed

After a year or so we were able to negotiate a week every year when the grandchildren would come to stay with us. This year we will have two weeks. This has worked well although, as we live abroad, it is very expensive in air fares. Perhaps like us you just need to let things settle a bit and try to work with your ex-dil to get more time.

"I have a feeling that sadly she may feel giving you access will lead to your son seeing more of him and it sounds like she doesn't want that."

Jishere may be right about this, Elaine. Plus, XDIL may think it's up to your DS to make sure you get time w/ GS. So I think your only recourse is to focus on whatever time you get to share w/ DS. Hopefully, this will increase in time. So sorry about this, but glad you seem to be acting reasonable about it.

Sally, I feel for you, as well. I don't think XDIL and her new chap meant to hurt you though. It's just that their needs changed. Perhaps it's a little selfish of them not to include you in the kids' lives, anyhow, especially since the kids had a relationship w/ you. But if it's any comfort, it may just not fit their current schedule. It's kind of you not to ask DS to share his limited visitation time w/ you, but perhaps he could, say, once a month? That wouldn't be the same as what you were used to, but maybe better than nothing?

My x sister in law took the same path with my niece as the x daughter in law in the OP- When my niece became of age she reestablished contact with us on her own- It was definitely heartbreaking at first, for the cousins, for all of us- But after she reestablished contact it was like she didn't miss a beat- She's remained a part of our lives to this day-

My x sis knew she was being unreasonable and vindictive- And we let her- No sense acting the same way and taking her bait so that she could up her game- It wouldn't have been in the best interest of my niece to go down that path-

My first comment was in response to shandy. Not sure what’s more insensitive than suggesting this woman force her son to take his ex to court to fulfill her demands. Im absolutely being blunt but I truly can’t fathom how someone can in good conscience expect an exCIL to sacrifice THEIR parenting time with their child to accommodate their ex’s parents. Absolutely baffling to me whenever I see this suggested.

How insensitive and rude Outside Dave

The child is not a time share. Please stop expecting his divorced parents to consider anything beyond their own scheduling needs and enjoy any time your son is willing to share with you. Your exDil is under no obligation to reduce her time with her son to guarantee you have alone time.

Are you joking? Because grandma wants 1 on 1 time her son, who blew up the lives of his wife and child, should now drag them through more chaos and unpleasantness?? How incredibly selfish.

Such a sad and difficult situation to be in but it sounds like you’ve done everything possible to help and can’t do any more now. What’s your relationship with the other Gran like ? Is she approachable and understanding? maybe you could you speak to her about how you’re feeling and how you’d like to spend time with your DGS ? There might be an opportunity to build bridges that way and ultimately do some joint childcare or have outings together with DGS ? Just a thought ....

wee bit different Sally2019 teh OP's son gambled away his families savings ,her DIL didn't leave him for another man

I could have written this. Son and dil split up few yrs ago. Dil moved in with boyfriend, we got asked to pick kids up once a week and have them til about 9 or 10 at night. We willingly agreed. All went well for a bout 6 months. Suddenly dil stopped asking, as they had moved and the house and their work were at same place. Kept asking if we could still pick them up but always excuses. We just feel used. Our son only sees them every other weekend so we dont really want to to take any of his time with them.

Jishere perfect solution

A very difficult situation to deal with. If DIL wont talk to you then you have no option but to explain to your son that you now want 1on1 contact with your GS. So both of you will need to renegotiate this via the legal system, whether he likes it or not. You now need to protect your time with GC

Did your DIL lose her home because of the gambling? That will be something she would find it hard to deal with especially as your son now has a "lovely home" when the one she worked for has gone because of his behaviour

It's that old chestnut 'unconditional' love, isn't it? Naturally we hope that some of our 'fixes' will result in a happier and more stable relationship with our families. However hope is the word and not expect. That would suggest we are regarding any help as a debt either mental or physical or both. Seems to me it's early days in the healing process of such a gigantic upset. If you have any sort of reasonable relationship with Dil's parents, maybe try communicating with them? Try to realise that in the grand scheme of things you are currently a low priority. I'm not saying that is how it should be: perhaps just is. I feel for you. Good luck.

Have you gone to meetings like gamblers anonymous?

Addictions are a family disease and you do not want to enable your son.
He needs to process the full consequences of his actions, like making sure he pays his debts from his gambling, not his parents.

Elaine15 have you thought about writing to her saying how you miss your grandson and if she needs you to baby sit you are always willing.
I have a feeling that sadly she may feel giving you access will lead to your son seeing more of him and it sounds like she doesn't want that.
It all sounds like she's hurt and trying to move on and subsequently your son is being punished whilst feeling guilty for destroying the family and sadly you are as well.
Grand parents do have rights it would just be costly to fight for them.

I imagine the other gran might appreciate help with child care - as much as we love them it is often tiring. Maybe just let her know your DIL your love hasn’t changed and you’ll be there if they need help. Don’t mention “rights” - we don’t have rights to our grandchildren unfortunately, and that will just get her back up. Send little presents maybe? Time is a great healer and hopefully she’ll come round. Always keep the door of communication open with friendship and love. If your son has said to negotiate with her I would definitely try that, even though it might seem it’s “his job”. I would imagine he’s feeling very guilty and doesn’t want to rock the boat. Unfortunately the DIL holds all the cards in this type of thing, so it’s her you have to stay on good terms with.

I feel really sad for you, and you did so well in supporting your son and his family. However, and sorry to say this, your daughter in law and her family have been the innocent victims in this, and there is no reason why they should suffer from it. You are innocent too, but he is your son, and unfortunately, you and your husband would be first on the list to support him. It would be the same for any of us. I think all you can do is offer your help as and where needed, and then just wait. The dust needs to settle, and hopefully it won’t be too long, when your grandson starts asking about you. All the best.

Hard as it may seem, initially it has to be what is right for your grandson and his mother.

What a sad state of affairs. You sound as if you really love your family and have moved mountains to do your best.
Sometimes circumstances get in the way and there are no winners.
I think further counselling might help you express this anger you feel before it eats away at you. Your mental well-being is important.
Stepping back from your son emotionally maybe helpful, let him stand on his own whilst you take time to find some other joy in your life.
Maybe with counselling and some distance you will in the future be able to talk to him/ he may realise he needs to act more proactively to enable his son to better his family relationships.
At the moment thoughI don’t think much more can be achieved. Show your Ex DIL you are still there, with birthdays etc and can be trusted to not gloss over your sons actions.
Maybe a 2 pronged long term patient approach will help?

Hi. .. I’ve read and re read your post and I’m so sorry you have been through hell and back. Would I be right in saying that it is your sons actions (shouting at you) that really triggered this off?
I too have a son with whom I have been through the trials of addiction.. alcohol. ... and thank God he has come out the other side like your son. As time goes on I find it very difficult when I try and talk to him that he can get quite aggressive. I then become wary of what I say just in case I trigger off that slippery path again. I am now having to try and learn to step back and curb my critical and judgemental attitude. All because I care. It’s so hard,
It’s early days yet and your son is well has somewhere to live and is earning... take each day at a time and I’m sure he will come round to seeing how much you have done for him and what you have had to give up. Like me try to step back.. we can’t change them but we can ourselves.. so they say!! Actually that’s a saying I find very aggravating! But I’m trying and I’m sure it will ring a bell with some Grans!! Good luck

how about getting some advise like a meeting with all involved.or maybe writing a letter .missing out the bit seeing you paid the debts you have rights over her child. things need to settle a bit.....write her a letter .not a text.

I can only agree with what has been posted so far. You are feeling very hurt but I'm sure your son is trying his best to make amends to his child and ex-wife and perhaps hasn't managed to cope with your feelings as well. As things settle down you may find that things change and you will have more contact. Perhaps you could contact your ex DIL and suggest that you would like to arrange a special time out with him during the school holidays occasionally if she would agree. If you really needed to talk to someone Family Mediation do deal with GPs as well, but I think you would be better just offering to take him out. It won't be the same as regular contact but it may open the door to more.

I understand how upsetting this has all been for you and your need to vent your frustrations. That is exactly what we are here for its a safe place to say how your feeling. Hoping time makes a difference whichever way things go. My access with my lovely grandson is changing because he lives quite far away and he is about to start school this September and therefore he won't staying over anywhere as much as he used too. In fact no where near as much but it's something I know I need to adjust to and am also grategul for the time I still have with him as do many grandparents sometimes have contact denied.

This is a heartbreaking situation in which you have found yourselves. I think you have done wonderfully to get through things with hopefully getting your son back on the straight and narrow. I think perhaps you are underestimating the effect this may have had on your DILs family. They have had to support their daughter through a very difficult emotional time. It may have also affected your GSs behaviour. Its still early days and they may just be getting into a settled routine and be afraid to complicate things. Could you send a really nice letter to your DIL saying how sorry you are shes had to go through this and that you hope shes ok. Leave your son out of the equation. Say that you dont want to put any pressure on her, but when she feels able, could you come to some agreement so you could occasionally see your GS as you miss him terribly. I think, rightly or wrongly, everything is going to have to be on her terms. I wish you luck.