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advise on telling my in laws about our pregnancy, please help!

(23 Posts)
Karherine1984 Mon 02-Mar-20 18:29:37

Thanks again everyone for your views. I can see the importance of being sensitive and honest with them so I will take that on board.

My partner has a vecetomy booked in for two months time so there will be no more children after this one.

My husband agreed to this on the basis he could work away more and go up north to see his friends every other month. I do most of the childcare and he works until 7pm 5 days a week. However he is a good father to his children being very hands on at the weekends.

His anxieties about having another baby are very much based on him wanting to travel the world when the children grow up but more importantly with what people will think of him (he says he gets laughed at at work ect). He really is very sensitive and worried a great deal about these things. He is less concerned about having to look after another baby.

pinkquartz Mon 02-Mar-20 16:14:22

DID OP ask for views on her number of children?

I didn't think so.

I still think be open and honest, add that you are worried because of the reasons you gave us.
You know the timing is off because of the other baby coming but you didn't beforehand.
Don't be defensive but do it sensitively. Which I am sure you will.

If a man really doesn't want a baby he can of course use contraception!
I think OP has been very open and posters on the attack are not helpful just very judgy

Baggs Mon 02-Mar-20 16:10:02

Which reminds me, after Sixtus Rees-Mogg was born, Jacob agreed with his wife's wish that that was enough because, as he put it "she had done all the hard work". He actually was aiming at twelve, apparently.

Baggs Mon 02-Mar-20 16:07:56

I think the issue raised in this thread about couples not agreeing about having children, or about how many, is potentially much more damaging. I don't actually see anything wrong with a husband agreeing to "go along with" his wife's wishes.

Baggs Mon 02-Mar-20 16:05:10

I've been thinking along those lines too, eaztbee. They'll notice soon enough, karherine. Maybe just let Nature take its course. Hope the rest of your pregnancy is fine.

eazybee Mon 02-Mar-20 15:42:47

if you are twenty weeks pregnant I wouldn't think you will have to wait long to tell them; it will be obvious.

grannypiper Mon 02-Mar-20 13:01:57

Just tell them, you are not a teenager so just get on with it. Maybe today you could also phone the Doctors and start the process of sterlisation before your poor Husband gets fed up and walks out the door

Hithere Mon 02-Mar-20 11:58:47

This is a huge dh and you problem. Forget how to tell the ILs.

Having kids is a two yes question - if both partners agree, go ahead.
You do not add another kid by negotiating with your dh or because you are depressed.

What's going to happen when you have your last kid and he/she is growing up and you are unable to have more? What will you do about the depression?

Chestnut Sun 01-Mar-20 23:30:42

Just be careful you don't turn into another Sue Radford who now has 21 and keeps saying it's her last but can't seem to stop. Her 22nd baby is due in April. It seems to be an addiction.

Txquiltz Sun 01-Mar-20 23:14:29

You seem to know what to expect...a couple with their first little one sharing the limelight, a husband overwhelmed at the idea of another child, possible pregnancy complications and yet, you are very much wanting this child. Try to find the inner strength to meet the coming days and love your little one as only a mom can. Only you will discover the way. Good luck.

pinkquartz Sun 01-Mar-20 23:12:11

I think you will do best to be honest with them.

Tell what you put in your post 22.55. I think you explain clearly your feelings and most people will respond better to honesty and you being open enough to tell them how you have felt.

Personally I think it's a bit late to rake over the rights and wrongs of this choice.
I only wanted one child, partly for health reasons but also it was right for me and I have had to listen to people calling me selfish for having an only child and my DD complaining about not having any siblings.
Well I did what was right for me and I respect your choice though I reckon six is probably as far as you should take it smile.

I hope all goes well and you update us on how your in-laws take the news.

Karherine1984 Sun 01-Mar-20 22:57:15

Also to add none of our children know, only my husband and a few close friends.

Karherine1984 Sun 01-Mar-20 22:55:32

Thank you for your thoughts. It’s interesting to hear what others thought. I was really depressed about not having another baby after my son was born. There is a very large age gap between him and his siblings and I wanted him to have what they have in terms of a play mate since the other children are less interested in him. My husband agreed to have this baby, are last, because of this and because of how unhappy it was making me. I have friends who told me to pretend to be on contraception which I thought was extremely dis honest and immortal so coming to this compromise with him seemed fair.

GagaJo Sun 01-Mar-20 10:42:03

MOnica, I too thought this but was hesitant to say it.

I know of several men who had extra children forced upon them. YES, as a feminist I know that if the man didn't make an active choice with contraception, then they need to accept responsibility. 100%.

BUT. I feel for some of those men.

* My brother. 1 child he didn't know wife was planning to get pregnant with (it WAS planned, she admitted this later) .

*My bloke. 2 children he didn't know were planned. His wife followed up by getting pregnant by ANOTHER man after he had a vasectomy to prevent more 'mistakes'.

*Good friend. 2 extra pregnancies her husband didn't know she wanted. She ended up getting an abortion with the 6th pregnancy because he said he was leaving and she had never worked so had no way to support a family of 5 children, let alone 6.

Personally, I can't think of anything worse than having a baby with someone who doesn't really want it.

M0nica Sun 01-Mar-20 10:35:13

You have already have a large family, why do you keep wanting to have more babies? Especially as you say ^ I have a high risk pregnancy linked to complications which have made miscarriage and premature birth much more likely^ and then add My husband on the other hand is less excited agreeing to have this baby to make me happy. He plans to tell his parents this.

The only way to deal with his parents is to just tell them and then get on with life, not talking too much about your expected baby, to them or your BiL and wife.

You sound kind and thoughtful, and obviously love children, but you have 5 children and a 6th on the way, Your DH is clearly less enthralled by this pregnancy. Is it not time you thought hard about bringing yet another child into an overpopulated world and put your husband's concerns and wishes first. He is, I presume the one having to support this growing family.

Grammaretto Sun 01-Mar-20 08:19:36

BradfordLass73 grin
What other way is there bar telling them. I find it hard to believe they've not guessed.
Every baby is a miracle and it will be nice for the boys to have playmates!
It's all about the babies now. Just tell them quietly without making a fuss. Do your DC know? surely they can't all be so unobservant.

Your 5th baby will not affect your B and SiL except in a nice way.
They will still have their longed for child and you will have yours.
Congratulations!! I hope you are prepared to do more childcare yourselves now.

BradfordLass73 Sun 01-Mar-20 04:47:07

Buy them this wonderful book:
"The Yorkshire Shepherdess : how I left city life behind to raise a family - and a flock" by Amanda Owen.

Give it time to sink in that she runs a farm, has 9 children and counting. Say how much you admire her and wish you could be like her.

Then when you've revived them, tell them this is only your 5th, a welcome baby who will be much loved and you hope they'll continue to be the marvellous suporters they've always been.

If they're not from Yorkshire, tactfully explain that there's summat special about the air and people up there and if you live south of Sheffield, 5 childer is nowt at

Hetty58 Sat 29-Feb-20 20:36:23

Just tell them soon - and emphasise how happy you are about it!

Karherine1984 Sat 29-Feb-20 20:12:40

We have waited until 20 weeks as I have a high risk pregnancy linked to complications which have made miscarriage and premature birth much more likely. Also we wanted to wait so his brother and his girlfriend can enjoy the excitement of their pregnancy without us overshadowing it at all.

Karherine1984 Sat 29-Feb-20 20:10:50

No I didn’t mean to post twice sorry.

harrigran Sat 29-Feb-20 19:11:42

Whichever way you break this news it will look as if you are deliberately taking the shine off the much wanted other baby.
Why wait until you are twenty weeks if it is a much wanted child ?

BlueBelle Sat 29-Feb-20 19:05:40

Did you mean to post this twice ??

Karherine1984 Sat 29-Feb-20 18:58:15

Me and my husband already have 4 children together and I have a daughter from a previous relationship and their grandparents, my in-laws, are very supportive and have them all every week and sometimes more. They even have my child from a previous relationship.

I am now 20 weeks pregnant again with number 5. This will come as a shock to them as we have told them in the past we were happy with 4. They already think we have too many as they worry about the space in our house and us not being able to afford things such as taking the children on holiday ect.

The timing of my pregnancy isn’t particularly ideal as my brother in law and his girlfriend are having a baby which is due within a week of ours. We have just found out it’s also a boy. My in-law are very excited about their baby since they are in their mid 40s and they were starting to think they might not get a gran child from him. They plan to move in with them for a couple of weeks after it’s born and be very hands on in the future too. This is great but I worry our pregnancy could take away the excitement from theirs for my in-laws and my brother in law who we haven’t told yet either.

Can anyone advise me on how to break the news to them? I don’t expect anything off them in terms of additional childcare or support. It may be worth adding that I am very excited about this baby which was planned. I wanted a 6th since their is a large gap between our 3 year old boy and his 8 year old sister so I’m very happy he will now have a play mate. My husband on the other hand is less excited agreeing to have this baby to make me happy. He plans to tell his parents this.