How do I continue living knowing contact with my family is over?

I am in a very similar situation. I have 2 daughters. Their father was a drunk/alcoholic. I divorced him when my daughters were 11 and 8.
Since then l have had good relationships with them, being there through quite serious Post Natal Depression for my eldest, a benign brain tumor with the other, plus the usual babysitting, sleepovers, etc.
I am particularly close to the little girl of 10 who is the daughter of my eldest. Our relationship started on day one. I found myself staying overnight st my daughters for most of the first 3 months of this little girls life. As l lived close by l had to be there as my daughter was convinced that she just wasn't able to be a Mum, l exlpained to her that she was ill and that the baby needed to be close to her until she was better, and l promised her that she would be better.
Eventually things improved, but her confidence was very low and her husband was embroiled in an investigatuon at his work, and was often getting home at 10 - 11pm.
I explained to my daughter that she may need to find something just for herself. that she enjoyed, outside the home, in the hope that this would build up her confidence and self esteem.
She eventually found a Gym and went regularly to sessions Then went back to work part time. ,l had my Grandaughter 2 days a week, and often overnight at the weekends.
My daughter trained and passed exams is now a Personal Trainer.
However now l am not allowed to see my Grandaughter, for reasons that are vague accusations of things l am supposed to have said to the little girl. Which are totally untrue. By this time my daughter was divorced.
Five years ago this Easter l had been trying to get in touch with my daughter, as l had made some Easter gifts for them. I kept getting the answer phone, then messages to say she wouldn't be in. I went to their house early on Easter Sunday as l knew that my Grandaughter was to be picked up by her Dad. Luckily l wad able to see her, and as soon as my daughter and l were left alone, she went upstairs, l sat in the living room thinking she had gone to the bathroom. It was quiet for a while, so l went upstairs and found her in her bedroom brushing her hair. I asked her was there something wrong. To which she exploded with accusations of how l had been a terrible mother.
I was so shocked , and she actually said "..and dont look shocked !"
She started to push me out of the room, and down the stairs, she was just was so angry and l was actually frightened, but l said l wouldnt go until l knew what l had done, to this she picked up the phone, and rang 999 l dont know whether she got through to anyone or not, but she said that " there is a violent woman in my house and she wont go." I was extremely upset by this was blubbering by now , she threw the phone down , picked up my boots threw them out of the front door and bodily shoved me out. I since found out that my ex husband, her father, had been staying there for a few days.
He had 'retired' . Now after having not much time for either of his daughters or Grandchildren he was there. From that day l have been pushed further and further away, and the things that l am supposed to have said/done have become more and more ridiculous. Apparently l am an alcoholic, a chainsmoker, l steal from shops,never smoked and rarely drink, and stealing well l wouldnt have the nerve ! Although l know that he has and still does, all of the above.. and the most shocking thing was when at 10 pm on a Sunday night l had a Policewoman come to my front door saying that my ex husband had seen me scratching his car and his van which were both parked outside my daughters home.
How do l sort this out, ?l have no chance whatsoever as my daughter will not listen to anything negative about her father. She does know that he has done some wicked things in the past, but l have never tried to stop her seeing him. He is so very manipulative and l believe that he has manipulated my Grandaughter into saying things that now they have stopped me seeing her.
I applied to Court for a Child arrangement order. My daughter didnt turn up, nor did she come to 2 mediation sessions that were arranged. My ex son in law said to me, " l dont know why, but she actually hates you ! " He did try at first to help me get to see my Grandaughter, but seems to now to have succombed to my daughters commands. I saw her one day in Town and l spoke to her, she completely ignored me.
Talking to other Grandmas, l have found that this is not uncommon for Mothers who have been through thick and thin for their children while suffering emotional abuse from husbands, that they are turned on in this cruel way. I have been told that l shouldn't have protected them so much from the sheer nastiness of my ex.. I tried to leave the door ajar , so that there would be a chance for us to communicate again one day, but she has told bare faced lies in Court. The pain is has many depths. Misty 22 l hope and pray that you get some relief in knowing that you did what you could as a mother. Sending you kind thoughts.

I totally agree with those who say you should use your money to make life better for yourself. If it was me, I’d sell up, move away and not tell your daughter where you have gone. That is unless you have lots of friends and a good support network where you are.

No way would I leave her money. Instead I would put it in trust for your grandchildren when they reach 21.

Hi misty
What degree was you studying for.
Did you work, and what hobbies do you have. Let’s concentrate on the positives.

Big hugs
Junie

Misty 22 such a sad state of affairs.

Definitely change your will so just your grandchildren inherit.
That keeps it in the family.
I wouldn't tell your daughter you've done this, it would just give her something else to get angry about.
It's none of her business anyway.

I'd say send cards or little gifts to the children occasionally but don't try and communicate with the adults.
To do so just perpetuates your bad relationship with them and does you no good at all.

Look outside your family for a purpose in life, there's so much to do for people who will appreciate you.

Very best wishes xx

I hope you will be able to make contact with your grandchildren when they are grown up.

In case that doesn't work out as well as it might, I suggest, like Maggiemaybe, that you write a letter for them, to be kept with your will. Don't fill it with recriminations about your D and SiL, instead use it to explain how things have been from your point of view. Tell you GC that you've always loved them and tried to keep in touch.

If nothing else, it will help them to realise that there is another side to the story. Hopefully, it will never be needed.

Sorry, I meant to say I think you could cut her out of the will together, if you have stated why. And in England, not the UK. Oh for an edit button!

Your post made me so sad, Misty22. As far as your D and SIL are concerned, I hope you can move on with your life without these people in it. Please don't allow them further opportunities to make you ill. As others have advised, make sure there will be ways for your DGC to contact you when they turn 18 if they want to. I do hope they do, but that may depend upon how you're being spoken about in the family. Just in case, leave them a letter with your will to tell them how much you've always loved them. And an inheritance.

I'm afraid I agree with Urmstongran. After hearing the way your D has gloated over the inheritance she will get, she wouldn't be getting a brass farthing. Do take legal advice though. In the UK you could cut her out of the will altogether, but some countries have laws that allow next of kin to inherit at least part of the estate, whatever the wishes of the legator.

If you don't want to completely cut your DD out of your will, why not leave her a percentage and leave the rest to your GC?

Grammatical

So many grammar errors- hanging my head in shame

Mediation can work IF the reasons for the estrangement are known and can be address.
Also IF both parties can compromise, are willing to work in it and dont want to be right/the other party is wrong.

It also depends on the estrangement reasons. Some cannot be mediated ever

Misty it might be worth trying mediation to see if the relationship can be repaired. If not then do as others have suggested and try to create a better life for you. Maybe volunteer in a primary school when covid19 is no longer a threat. Try and keep up to date with yout DGC’s learning by going on to BBC Teach so that you can ask them about their learning when you write to them. They may not reply but at least they know you care.
Petitfromage I wonder how long your DD has been in her relationship with SIL? Would it be worth using Claire’s Law to see if SIL has had convictions for domestic abuse in the past that DD could be informed of?
I feel so sorry for all of you suffering broken relationships and hope that you can find supportive relationships with other people.

Not even when punishment has been meted out from the other direction?

A bit too much ‘turn the other cheek’ for me I’m afraid.

Oh no no no umstrong can’t agree with that one that shouldn’t even be a vague thought it’s about fairness not punishment

Oh the temptation to send a short note to your daughter misty along the lines of ‘just to let you know that after the imposed lockdown here I intend to change my Will. I want to let you know so you won’t have a shock in the years ahead’.

Im in a similar position and have been for years. I did change my will and cut daughters and grandaughters out, no I do not feel guilty, they cut me out of their lives so I owe them nothing.

Since this coronavirus Ive had emails from both daughters checking I am ok. Yes Ive replied to them, wether the emails continue remains to be seen. The adult grandaughters Ive not heard from, Ive no idea where either of them are!

Its not easy to forgive when youve had vitriol thrown at you for years, yes I will keep the communication lines open if I get a reply but Im not holding my breath on that one. There has to be a time us estranged parents have to move on for our own sanity.

Thank you all so much for the time you spent in writing to me and all your very helpful suggestions and support for me to get through this. I feel more hopeful now and I will think on all your kind thoughts. Please keep yourselves and your families well regarding the coronavirus. X

Make sure that your grandchildren can contact you when they're older. Sign up to Facebook, Twitter etc. and/or use these to search for them later when they are 18.

Build up your own life for now. As everyone's said, counselling, legal advice, new interests and self-preservation for the moment - and hope for the future.

Misty your grandchildren are 10and 12 in 6/8 years you can make your own contact so it won’t be for ever keep yourself well until that day
I would write a letter and cards for each birthday and Christmas to give to them when you do eventually see them and I m sure you WILL see them hold that thought in your heart
Don’t give up on the thought of counselling because of money There are some charities that will offer counselling free or for a nominal fee Do look into it Even consider joining a support group for estranged grandparents you may even make a friend
Fingers crossed you find some local support as well as on here
X

I must respond now to the latest messages and thank you very much for your thoughtful comments. The will writing is one thing of course but it isn't really where the problem is. I clearly cannot say too much as this is very public. One message here stated that if there is no relationship with my DD there is therefore 0 relationship with my GCH. How very true that is! The 0 relationship with my GCH is the exact knife in the heart wording used by my DD to me a very short while ago when in one of her furious states. She has prevented me from seeing them, even as a new grandma I was told not to go and see the baby in the hospital as 'there were enough people here'. I tried discussing the whole thing with my daughter's father but to no avail, a man I helped and supported emotionally during dark times in his life years ago. He is the instigator of all this suffering and would never admit any responsibility. There is so much I could say but really it isn't possible and the accrued nastiness of my family over the years would be hard to read so yes you are right I have taken a first step and I must now work on myself to learn to accept that for now at least I won't be able to see my GDD and that my DD is not the loving youngster she used to be, that she no longer sees me as 'the best mother in the world' and that for my own self-preservation I must shield myself from her. Big hugs and heartfelt thanks to each of you.

I haven't read all the responses because it is such an awful situation, just the first couple. I agree with BlueBelle leave whatever you haven't enjoying in the rest of you life to your GC. You can ask your solicitor to make it clear why you have done so. I expect there is a way it can be held for them until they are of age if you die unexpectedly early.

Have you considered contacting your ex to see if there is any way to reconcile?

In the meantime I think you need to see your GP and also try to get involved in local activities. It is surprisingly easy once you have taken the first few difficult steps. At the moment of course it can only be done online. You've made a start by coming on here. Have a look at some of the threads and get involved with the ones which interest you.

Good luck

Misty. Sometimes we have to let the people we love go as they are bad for us. Your daughter is causing you much pain and heartache and you deserve to be happy.

Keep contact with your grandchildren. Send cards etc and definitely leave everything to them. Concentrate on your own life now. Get counselling to help you get back on track.

You will come through this as many of us have.

I’m so sorry to hear about your awful situation- one thing I do know though from experiencing it myself - is that your ‘counselling’ should encompass bereavement counselling- you are effectively mourning a loss - ie that of a relationship which has just as much of an emotional and psychological effect on a person. I wish you well and hope you gain some healing and closure ? and I should add you may realise that your daughter may have inherited traits/genes from her father - she sounds like an ‘affection less psychopath’ ( in psychiatric terminology) .

Misty, your situation is tragic, but it has been going on a a very long time.

There is a prayer, quite well known, that goes :
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Sadly, you can do nothing to change the behaviour to you of your daughter and family, but you have the capacity to change yourself, to learn to live with your tragedy, that I know will never leave you, and build yourself a new satisfying and independent life, which is not defined by you relationshp with your daughter.

Firstly you can leave you money and property to whomever you like. Just find a lawyer to write up your will. Secondly, things might be irrepairable with the DD but you are doing the right thing by keeping in touch with your GC, even if only by letter. Try to find a life or interest outside of all this, difficult at the moment with Covid but are there any voluntary organisations you could become involved with - anything to take your mind off things.