Worried about DD and bf relationship

DD does go for walks on her own, but she does also go upstairs with him, but again he would never stay downstairs if she asked him too, it's like she follows him but he doesn't follow her back, that side of it does bother me but I think he thrives on it if he's working, she's downstairs all the time chatting and being sociable, definitely more talkative, I like Monica's idea of being nice to him etc

well if he's living with you at the moment. i would say to him .dont talk like that in my house. ask him to do jobs around the house. .no jobs .no internet.......ask your daughter why doesnt she go for a walk with the baby ,get her some excercise...

A friend in a similar position, said nothing, did nothing, just acted in a warm and friendly way to both but quietly undermined him, encouraged her DD to act independently, when she wanted to train for a profession, in your case you could express sympathy for his families problems etc etc.

They were working on the assumption that showing any concerns about the relationship could be used by him to encourage their daughter to turn against them.

It was a very thin tight rope they trod, but it worked, their daughter began to see a few niggles herself and her parent's support began to worry her because she could see the problems - and it worked, she saw through him, the relationship broke down and she was so grateful to her parents for all the support she had given her and her ex.

At the same time another friend just barged in heavy handed, DD promptly got married to the boyfriend and had a miserable 5 year marriage,

Sorry to be blunt, but he sounds like an absolute arse.

A very tricky situation. If your daughter wants to go for a walk and he doesn’t could you or your partner/husband go with her instead? Opportunity perhaps for a little chat. Or, could your partner suggest to the boyfriend could he give him a hand with some job in the garden or something. Give him something to do. Could they cook a meal one night, give you a rest? Would that work?

I think that the posters who are acknowledging that potentially this relationship might be moving into/already be coercive control, based on the information given so far, are correct to raise it for consideration.

In a healthy relationship it is absolutely right not to get involved.
In a potentially coercive control relationship it is absolutely appropriate to consider ways to support the victim that enables them to consider their situation rationally. Rational thought is very very hard for a victim of coercive control.

Those who aren't seeing red flags in the OPs description have perhaps never observed and/or experienced a coercively controlled relationship.

I wouldn't dream of telling other adults what time to get up.
Sounds like they're looking after their baby and not expecting you to?
If your daughter fancies a walk and he doesn't, she should just go, not argue about it.
I'd be quite happy with him spending time upstairs if he's gaming rather than cluttering up my lounge! Why does that cause a row? Your daughter can surely stay downstairs without him?
If the boyfriend starts explaining their rows to you, I'd say jokingly, "Ooh dear, leave me out of it!"
We all need a bit of distance, even in the same house. It does sound like your daughter expects them to be in each others' company all day long, or does he expect her always to be with him?

My sister is controlling- Very much so- Its her life, her kids, her marriage- Her home- Not her husbands- It never has been- He puts up with it-

It's not a matter of meaning well, that others deem her behavior to be- Having her way is more important than people and relationships-

Issue 1: enabling - You know you need to address it.
This has nothing to do how your dd is treated by her partner

Issue no. 2: Arguments between a couple could look petty but they may not be. You may not know from the outside

I give you an example.

I have issues with my dh that people would call me controlling when it is not.
I am more of an organized person and has a spot for every day items that we always need (hair brush, baby wipes, nail scissors, etc)

He is more "I get this item, I drop it in a different location, I forget the location and then ask my wife where the hair brush is" or baby is poopy and baby wipes are MIA and I have a diaperless poopy baby running loose while I have to look for the wipes and clean the mess left behind by the baby.

It gets me so mad! We talked so many times to always have one essential item in the same location and he agrees.

A couple of weeks later, nothing is where it is supposed to be and he keeps asking me where everything is. He also wants to buy replacements as he doesn't want to bother looking for the missing brushes/baby wipes/ etc.

Then I blow up because it is a scab that doesn't heal and I am fed up with his irresponsibility - this has been going on for years.

So from the outside, I look like the overcontrolling neurotic mother and wife.
My POV - he makes me responsible for his actions and he wants me to deal with the aftermath of his mismanagement.

It sounds like an abusive/volatile/irresponsible relationship, one that's being fed more air in the current situation- Doing nothing about it only fans the flames by enabling it-

Totally agree with rosecarmels post

They get up, feed baby and go back to bed, then they get up at 11-12 to feed baby rice, then he goes upstairs for rest of afternoon til dinner, I understand the afternoon because there isn't alot to do atm, I am enabling them because they using the internet. I'm trying not to tell them to get up because I don't want them to think I'm interfering. I don't know why they fight but I do think most of it is petty as in she wants to go for a walk, he doesn't so they argue, he spends most of his time upstairs she doesn't want to and they argue about that but it's the way he talks to her and the way he explains the arguements to me and DH, he makes him look good and she's in the wrong which I already know in certain situations she isn't

It doesn't sound like a good situation
Let me play devil's advocate.

Are you sure you have all the facts about why they fight? A lot happens in a couple that only they are aware of.

Dont do anything. Dont intervene. Your dd has to decide if he is good for her and her child

You have another problem: they live with you to save for a house but they are not doing that. They get up super late and he plays videogames.... are you enabling them?

Kittymae do be careful, if your DD thinks you don't accept her choice she could react by rejecting you. I don't understand how they don't get up till 11 or 12 with a baby. Are you minding it?
I think you should simply demonstrate to your DD how a good supportive relationship works. So make sure you are always polite even to him. Encourage her to do things which build her confidence and self worth and praise her constantly. In other words behave exactly the opposite to the way he does. Perhaps chat to her about things from the past when she was more chatty and open. Gradually she may realise what is happening and want to do something about it. She has to decide he isn't good for her you can't tell her that.

He doesn’t sound much of a catch does he? Maybe your daughter sticks it because she doesn’t want to be a single mum. Buying a house together is a big step especially as he’s not exactly solvent financially. What is that saying ‘when poverty comes in through the window, love flies out the door’ or somesuch? Whatever, it’s added stress isn’t it?

However I think right now is that he might encourage her to estrange from you and your husband.

On that issue alone, I’d have a quiet word with your daughter. I would if she were mine. Just say ‘keep an open mind as it’s what I think he’s angling after’.

Maybe he needs the help but resents it too IYKWIM? Cheeky sod.

They don't contribute financially, they are meant to be saving for a deposit for rent on a house but don't seem to be, I'm wondering whether to suggest council

This is not a good situation, exacerbated by the current lockdown. Because you have generously provided this couple with a home you are unfortunately privy to information you would rather not know.
Try , by calling on superhuman powers, not to interfere, but make it clear, pleasantly but firmly, that he must look to providing a home for his family once lockdown is over. Instigate a rota for cooking and housework ; do they contribute to finances or are you supporting them all?
Try not to say anything to your daughter; she will have to make her own decisions about her relationship, which will be clearer once they are living independently.

He won't speak to her like that in front of anyone, he didn't think anyone was listening the other day

I actually believe her loyalty should be to her and her baby and if he is controlling her and berating her then she needs to decide if that is a good environment for the baby to grow up in

I wouldn't say he's affectionate, he may be a good dad but he can be very controlling when it comes to the baby, and it's not just me that's noticed it. It's when they're alone that worries me, they had an argument the other day because she asked him for some money, which he rarely gives, but at Christmas she lent him £600 of her savings for a deposit on a house for him to retrain as a railway worker and the job never happened, only on Wednesday he really laid it on thick at how guilty she made him feel, I wasn't there, my DH said it was like Geoff off coronation Street. I think the problem is what I'm noticing about my daughters behaviour, he says shes got more confident but I'd say she's lost it, she doesn't talk as much as she used to, she was a real chatterbox she could talk all day even if there was nothing to talk about! She's always apologising to him, he never seems to apologise back, they are arguing alot, not every day but they argue one day then fine the next. We do all the cooking he plays on his games all afternoon, they don't get up til 11-12. I'm too scared to open my mouth in case he takes offence and uses it against me.

Agree with your post rosecarmel, as alarm bells rang when I read the OP!

His behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud, but your daughter has to be the one to stand up to him, then he might respect her more.

Stop excusing men for their disrespectful behavior and pretending its healthy and normal no matter the circumstances-

It's everyone's business to notice behaviors and to bring attention to them when necessary-

There's playful banter and then there's badgering- If he's badgering his wife, he's not a loving and supporting husband or father-

Kittymae, pay close attention to your daughters expression and reaction when he speaks to her in the manner you described- Then decide if it merits mentioning-

Too many people living in one space by the sound of it because of the circumstances, it seems as if 2 families and at probably five of you are trying to live under one roof which is very very difficult to manage even if you all adore one another
It really is none of your business and under these circumstances everyone is going to be fractious
Try and keep separate as much as possible have a timetable so youre not all trying to cook in the kitchen at the same time etc etc try not to be in the middle of any niggles between them
They may be very different when they ve got their own space men don’t do these lock downs very well

This is one of those cases where a parent should NEVER get involved.

A parent's instinct is always to protect a child. That's normal. That's okay. That's what parents are supposed to do. But it also means that you are not an objective third party in their relationship.

Please do not bring this up. Don't make your daughter piggy in the middle. Her first loyalty needs to be to her partner, not you. That's a normal part of growing up and founding a family.

Can you please give examples of how he talks to her?