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My daughter in law won't let us see our grandson after we brought him up first 5 years of his life

(19 Posts)
Butt Wed 06-May-20 13:14:12

Hi everyone I am a new member so have not yet got the hang of things please bear with me.
I was bring my grandson up for my son as his wife as she was busy with her work which was always put first then her son. But we all knew she did not want the responsibility as they had him 9months after the wedding.
He stayed with us up until January 2019.
She started talking nonsense to him like he came out of her tummy not mine.
I knew her and my son were having issues and she would often take it out on us and my grandson. She wanted to take him out of school and put him in a nearer school to her(which she never wanted before). We agreed that it was a good idea and would help their relationship, but she should take him at the end of the year. But she started the process with the schools and told the school she no longer wanted me to be involved in his present school maters. I was the one that went to all his parents evening, trips and plays. During christmas holidays we hardly saw him and when we did he would always be upset, sad and scared to go back. He always spent all his holidays with us and took him on all our holidays while she worked. However this time she worked but my son kept him with him all day. I had a feeling that he was not to bring him to us.
To cut a long story short she managed to restrict us seeing him.
When I tried saying her she keeps saying ask yourself.
Over the last few months she has used him in a tug of war and to a point when my son has been beaten up for wanting to bring him to us and now see she has completely stopped my son seeing him too and has locked him out and he stays with us. I wish there was something I could do to help him he has gone through so much with her and now this, it is tearing me apart. last week knocked on her door my grandson let me in by accident, she got very abusive, I had written her a letter asking for her forgiveness and begging her to put the interest of her son first also I asked to have mediation with us. I fear I have gone and made things worse for my son.
Who is a very gentle person and has never reported her abuse and I feel no-one is going to believe him as she has always pushed him react and I fear she has reported him for defending himself against her.
I fear for my grandson and I know is taking him on play dates risking Covid 19 no one understands what sort of mum she really is as to see her you would not believe what I am saying.
Please please if there is anyone who can point me in the right direction without making things worse for my son. I think as always he is thinking she will cool off and then go back to herself.

Septimia Wed 06-May-20 15:05:26

Your son needs to get practical and legal advice about his rights and responsibilities. His case carries more clout than yours, but obviously it will be to your benefit too.

You could start by looking for online support groups and information. A solicitor should be able to advise him and he coud also try Citizens' Advice.

Septimia Wed 06-May-20 15:06:07

*could, not coud!

paddyanne Wed 06-May-20 15:16:55

it looks like your DIL was working for her FAMILY ,like most young women do.The days of stay at home mothers are long gone maybe you need to see that.She wasn't putting her work first she was doing her best for them all.I have cared for all my GC from they were 2 or 3 weeks old but I'm just their gran their mothers must have the final say in all that I do with them .Maybe you need to take a step back,did you allow your MIL rights over your child?

Callistemon Wed 06-May-20 15:46:23

This must be so hard for you. I don't have any advice except to say to urge your son to seek advice as Septimia says.

I didn't just want to read and not comment. Your DGS will be the one missing out too on this wider, loving family.
Perhaps she is jealous of your relationship with him, trying hard to establish one with him herself but having difficulties as she has not been so close to him until recently.


Callistemon Wed 06-May-20 15:47:56

Ps I wouldn't go round there, much as you want to see your DGS.

Smileless2012 Wed 06-May-20 17:03:35

Your son needs to get some legal advice Butt. He has rights as the child's father and if necessary will need to fight for those rights for the sake of his son.

As Callistemon has posted it's the little boy who is missing out here. Why oh why do some parents chose to use their children in this way! Jealousy could well be a factor here too but there's no point in being jealous of the relationship a child has developed with someone else, because for what ever reason, you weren't there as often as the person you're jealous of was.

Butt Wed 06-May-20 17:03:52

Thanks for your message but she earned and kept her money and did not spend a penny on her son or husband we were not allowed to ask about her money.
My worry is she does not act in his best interest never has and does not know her son asshe never wanted to be apart of his life until now.

phoenix Wed 06-May-20 17:11:23

"Talking nonsense, like he came out of her tummy not mine" confused

Hetty58 Wed 06-May-20 17:15:36

Did your grandson live permanently with you for five years?

sodapop Wed 06-May-20 17:50:33

Yes I didn't understand that either phoenix maybe English is not the OP's first language as some of her post was difficult to follow.

I'm sorry to hear how strained relationships have become Butt I think you need to step back and let things cool down. It does sound as if your daughter in law is jealous of your relationship with your grandson. It really is up to your son to take action if he is being abused by his wife. Be there if they need help or support but otherwise leave them to sort things out.

Madgran77 Wed 06-May-20 18:30:06

Butt It is your son needs who needs to get some legal advice and move things forward so that his rights as a father and most importantly your Grandchild's rights are met!!

You are understandably upset but I do think you need to try and see your role as supporting your son as he works to establish the best relationships and scenario for his son. By doing that you will also be supporting your grandson.

I am not sure why you think that your DIL telling her son thqt he came from her tummy rather than his grandmother's is nonsense! It is actually just factual! I am wondering if she said it in the context of being upset or angry because of other things going on. It might be worth thinking about that to help you decide how to move forward in your support role flowers

Hithere Wed 06-May-20 18:52:21

I have the same question as hetty58, did your gs live with you full time?

Your son needs a lawyer.

OutsideDave Fri 08-May-20 01:36:10


Hithere Fri 08-May-20 02:26:25

Why was your gs in your care for five years?

HolyHannah Fri 08-May-20 08:20:33

Butt -- You say you 'brought him up' which means to me, you were one of his caregivers and/or played a large role in the child's life. That is hugely different from being a legal guardian. I would assume if you were the legal guardian you would have stated that, due to the overwhelming relevance of being in that position.

I was bring my grandson up for my son as his wife as she was busy with her work which was always put first then her son. But we all knew she did not want the responsibility as they had him 9months after the wedding. -- This is filler/distraction and smearing...

She started talking nonsense to him like he came out of her tummy not mine. -- Have you been suggesting/acting/telling your grand-son You are his "real" mother? Do you believe it is "nonsense" for his birth mother to tell him that SHE is his biological mother because she actually IS? If you answered 'yes' to either of those questions...

last week knocked on her door my grandson let me in by accident, she got very abusive, -- So you went, uninvited (I assume) to you DiL's home... Upon arrival you knocked on the door and your grandson opened it. Instead of asking him to 'ask the adult of the house' if it was okay for you to enter, you just walked in. Your DiL got "very abusive" at finding you in her home unexpectedly and then you blaming your grandson for his 'accident'/innocence instead of owning what you did? I'd say Her reaction was justified and then some.

Naty Sun 10-May-20 23:36:13

Sounds like you did the bulk of babysitting while she worked. I'm doubting she didn't financially support her child. She probably started stepping in more when she realized that having you around was far too overbearing and stressful. This "tug of war" only exists if you are on the other end, pulling. Sounds like you were trying to play mom, it backfired and now you are upset.

Leedee Mon 11-May-20 17:59:35

It’s difficult to side with either of these ladies, when we don’t know them. The DIL could have been happy to pass responsibility onto nanny as it may have been convenient at the time, some mums don’t automatically bond with their child. Equally the lady writing this post could be an over powering MIL, on the other hand she could be a fab nanny and is looking out for her son and cgtandchild. None of us will know and we should really make judgements... but I do believe you should back off a touch as if you are not legal guardian there is no more you can do than to support your son and when he is ready and strong enough he will fight his own corner. Maybe they both still feel for eachother? Again, something nanny will never know the extent of because he may not open his heart up to mum. It’s a completely separate relationship

Leedee Mon 11-May-20 18:00:50

Sorry.... NOT make judgements