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Any body married to an angry man

(24 Posts)
east12 Wed 13-May-20 21:55:23

I have been married 37 years to a man who drinks too much and doesn't remember what happened in the morning,I have though about living many tines but am still here but this lockdown has made me realise I need to change things but am afraid as have never lived on my own and how it would be at 63.

annep1 Wed 13-May-20 22:06:06

You're only 63. Imagine living on your own and the peace and quiet.
There isn't much to be afraid of. Many of us on GN live alone. I don't but I did for years. I would be more afraid of living with a drunken angry man. Be brave. Visualise your new life and then plan it.

tanith Wed 13-May-20 22:08:48

Take back your life and leave, it’s scary yes but to carry on as you are is scarier. Good luck.

EllanVannin Wed 13-May-20 22:15:10

I suppose a lot would depend on your financial position. Do you work ?

crazyH Wed 13-May-20 22:27:41

Don't suffer in silence . It's nice to know you have come here You will get .lots of sound advice here. I was married to a serial philanderer. I put up with the hurt and humiliation for years....wish I left earlier. Children and culture held me back. Eventually, he left me for someone else. I must say, he never drank too much or was ever violent, but the emotional abuse was enough to break me.
Only you know how you feel . My sister-in-law was married to an alcoholic (my brother) but she stayed with him till the end. ....for 2 reasons, love and money. She told me herself that she would lose a lot financially, if she divorced him, so she stuck it out.
I hope things work out for you flowers

Furret Wed 13-May-20 23:06:05

In the words of Mumsnet LTB.

lemongrove Wed 13-May-20 23:13:25

Let’s not bring the wit and wisdom ( joke!) of Mumsnet onto the forum.

East12 only you know your feelings for your husband, and you have been married for a long time, and presumably are used to the fact that he drinks too much.It’s not easy going it alone at any age, but particularly when older.
If you were to divorce, would half of the proceeds of the
house be enough to buy you both somewhere to live?If you rent a house, would you have enough money to rent on your own? Practical money concerns are very real problems.
Will your husband discuss his drinking problem?

Luckygirl Wed 13-May-20 23:15:34

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I agree that you need to make the break from this man - hard enough at the best of times, but a huge challenge in these troubled times. Perhaps you could use this period to think through in detail your finances and other practical considerations.

It is daunting to think of living on your own, but many here do just that and manage. Have you family or close friends who might be a support to you to make the break?

Most importantly you need to get the decision absolutely clear in your mind.

sodapop Thu 14-May-20 08:53:07

I agree with Luckygirl use this time to look at your options and sort out your finances etc. Don't make any drastic decisions whilst we are all in this strange situation.
I left a marriage around the same age as you are now and never regretted it. Better to be happy and content on your own than miserable with another person.

Coolgran65 Thu 14-May-20 09:04:47

I did it and have never regretted it. Got a much more modest home and only just managed the bills.
The feeling of going home without that sick feeling is indescribable. Pure joy.

glammanana Thu 14-May-20 09:05:55

You have many years ahead of you do you really want that time to be miserable as you are now? I think not.
Check out your finances and get support of your family if you can and make the break you deserve better than this.

BlueSky Thu 14-May-20 09:07:31

Sodapop I agree with your sentence Better be happy and content on your own than miserable with another person I did just that and never regretted it. OK I was 45 at the time and as it happened met a wonderful man but I would honestly been happy on my own if the right person hadn't come along. The main problem is financial, also accommodation. Good luck.

Missfoodlove Thu 14-May-20 09:21:09

I had an angry and violent father.

Nobody should have that fear of hearing someone coming into the house and knowing from the sound of the footsteps you are about to be on the receiving end of abuse or violence.

He is long dead but I still dream he’s alive and angry.

Get out and enjoy your life.

lemsip Thu 14-May-20 09:27:57

hope you have told your doctor all this! It helps to spill it out. Don't waste the rest of your life like this! There is help out there.

east12 Thu 14-May-20 12:09:50

I have has years of counselling to learn hoe to deal with this. The only that has held me here is my culture but now am thinking is it worth it, CrazyH will problely understand.Finacly I have everything , a nice car, a nice home, and money to spend whenever I want.I suppose this too is keeping me here as can't image not having all this.

sodapop Thu 14-May-20 12:32:02

Well all I can say is that things can't be that bad for you. For me peace of mind and happiness outweighed financial considerations.

Doodledog Thu 14-May-20 13:24:19

What is he like during the day? What is it that he doesn't remember?

If he is good company during the day, and 'just' doesn't remember what he was talking about when he's been drinking, can you spend evenings in separate rooms, so that his drinking doesn't have so much of an impact?

If, on the other hand, he forgets that he was violent or mentally abusive, and that spills over into the rest of the time, then it probably needs to be addressed more radically.

Does he accept that there is an issue?

FlexibleFriend Thu 14-May-20 14:32:37

I did it and actually found it much easier than expected financially. Only you know your finances and can figure it out but I manage very well. I get my state pension next month so looking forward to that. I've kept the same house and the same standard of living much to my ex's disgust. Until now I've done very well on my two private pensions even though I had to take on a mortgage to pay the ex off it was worth it just to be rid as he was a control freak and I can't be controlled. I'm disabled and even so life is so much better now I'm not constantly being told I'm putting my disability on etc etc. Do your sums and grab life by the balls you deserve it.

BlueSky Thu 14-May-20 19:10:23

Agree again Sodapop.

annep1 Thu 14-May-20 22:34:37

I had to settle for a much smaller modestly furnished house through co- ownership. But it was a happy peaceful home. I never ever missed the lovely home I had. My friend stayed with her husband to have all the material benefits, just like you. She had a miserable life and envied me. Depends what's important to you.

east12 Fri 15-May-20 23:11:15

Sodapop If you read my first paragraph you will see that I have mentioned that `I am having second thoughts during this lockdown.

Puzzled Sat 23-May-20 17:10:36

That is the accusation every time that I disagree with SWMBO!

TwiceAsNice Sat 23-May-20 19:25:31

I left a controlling violent husband at 62. Should have left much earlier . Am so much happier . Just knew going home one day I couldn’t put up with it any longer . Leave and have some happiness you only have one life

TrendyNannie6 Sat 23-May-20 19:43:33

While having a nice home , a nice car , and money to spend whenever you want .means nothing if you are unhappy. I would much rather be on my own, I admire your honesty though as you say you can’t imagine not having this, for me I’d rather have less, and be contented, can’t be much fun for you,