Advice regarding stubborn dad

I think the incident of your daughter coughing may have brought home to him that he needs to do something.
Good luck!

He can’t babysit in the current climate. Please don’t worry on this front, it is covered and my children are number one priority.

The poster who mentioned the cognitive decline. I will follow that up, it’s become as an awkward issue that we have all noticed on the family quiz how poorly he does - I know that sounds daft but he’s always been the smart one worth an abundance of general knowledge! A few things are really adding up.

Oh and driving like I said the insurance company weren’t concerned and It doesn't seem to be all noises he struggles with, most apparent is voices and certain people he finds more difficult than others. Someone talked about hearing loss not being a straight line and that rings true in my dads case.

Just for the record he always worked in industries, big production factories. He was a manager away from the machines but more than likely that is what has taken its toll on his hearing.

Babyshark - after posting, I read that you thought you'd cracked it. Great news.

I think I'd try once more to talk to him in a calm and confidential way. Not perhaps at the moment because he can't really get a hearing test yet.

I agree with other posters who say that there is no reason why he can't drive with a hearing problem. Plenty of people who cannot hear drive although I accept it is true that your ears do assist with driving - hearing ambulance sirens before the ambulance comes into view etc.

People bring up children without being able to hear so I don't see why he shouldn't provide childcare.

Please tell me he is not going to babysit till he addresses this hearing loss.

"I recalled an incident at my house when my daughter was behind him coughing on a smarty (she could breath and wasn’t choking but still) and he didn’t even realise."

Hi all, I’m sorry I didn’t realise the thread was still going so Iv got some replies to read.

But UPDATE!
I decided that as impersonal as it seems to you I’m sure, I decided to text him. This is because I think as soon as I start speaking he immediately jumps to defense of why he hasn’t done it before and therefore just closes down.

I asked him to consider just going for a test, I told him the increased risk of dementia and that whilst he is an amazing grandad i recalled an incident at my house when my daughter was behind him coughing on a smarty (she could breath and wasn’t choking but still) and he didn’t even realise.

He just text back “ok I will” but then yesterday he came over for a SD visit and asked me about the risk of dementia, other questions etc etc. He said he will go for the test and I googled what hearing aids look like these days and I think we may have cracked it. Well never got this far with him before!!

Thank you thank you thank you. Even if I have to come back for advice about the next nudge he has never been as open as he was and he has never brought it up of his own accord.

Going to read the replies Iv missed. Thanks again for your advice and time

Despite the lockdown my DH managed to have his ears syringed at Specsavers about three weeks ago, cost £55 though!

I feel your pain...my Mother was particularly resistant to accepting she needed help with hearing, complaining we were “accusing” her of being deaf, getting angry when we would repeat an off-the-cuff remark a couple of times and then say “it doesn’t matter” when we couldn’t get her to hear...even when we got her to have her hearing tested and she was issued with 2 hearing aids she still swore she didn’t need them and her constant cry was “let me take these out, they block my hearing”... ...you can take a horse to water......

demi55 I take my hat off to you for successfully raising 3 children (alone) and becoming a Grandma of 8. And, you say that you are deaf. If that's the case, you don't say in your post whether you are profoundly deaf, were born that way or whether you became deaf early in life.

If you were, would you not agree that is a very different thing entirely from someone who has lived life hearing perfectly well but who is now, for whatever reason to be established, hearing impaired but won't do anything about it! You may feel that's his choice, but the OP was voicing her very real concerns about her Father's future and asking for advice.

I have 3 deaf friends. One has cochlear implants; another profoundly deaf who lip reads and signs, and one whose hearing was damaged as a result of a childhood infection. Not one of them makes me feel that they struggle or are anything approaching 3rd class citizens or those for whom special allowances need to be made! They all drive and they have all brought up families and been as determined as anyone to take their place in society.

You are clearly very knowledgeable and have a great deal of experience in the subject. You make (IMO) very valid points on what could be a difficult subject.... but then you say about Gransnet that you:

"*have never joined in as everyone sounds so articulate and probably better educated than me wealthier too not many of you in social housing from what I read only guessing by what's written and I know as fact that single mothers from council properties not so welcome*"

Are you being serious? I am at a total loss to understand why you would think that. Is there no room for people from a wide variety of backgrounds on a Forum of this size? Surely no one should need to apologise or explain if they have money or not? What's that to do with the price of fish ? ( As my old Aunt used to say! ) Everybody has the right to an opinion, to be heard, to help to inform or amuse others or simply to share a laugh, as well as to help educate - if they can - on subjects that they know a great deal about. Have you read many threads on here - there are people (mostly women/Grans) from all walks of life and who clearly never feel that they need to explain or apologise for who they are!

As for some of the comments which you criticise - well, I agree; but you would know there have to be regulars on many threads whose responses, even if well meant, are too often clumsy, harsh, undiplomatic...well, rude sometimes.

Maybe I need to read the posts through from the beginning again, although I did do that today, because I really don't see "an awful Victorian attitude" towards the deaf. On a Forum largely inhabited by Grans, how many must have hearing impairment to a moderate or major degree, or know that they may have to prepare for that sometime soon?

I really think you've reacted unfairly with regard to the 'type' of people here and I'd like to think you will post in future and perhaps change your view - certainly about the majority of regular posters on this site, who are generally welcoming and supportive.

I realised that I had to keep rewinding the TV to hear what was being said, so I did an online Specsavers test on my computer. This gives you an indication if you need to go for a full test. I did and got NHS hearing aids and batteries. All free if charge. More discreet, hi tech ones are available at a cost. Don't put it off.

My friend has it done free of charge at the hospital by an ENT nurse at the clinic. She goes every 6 months due to problem with excess wax. If left any longer it seriously affects her hearing.

Her hearing is perfect once the wax is removed

You can now (or could pre covid) have ear wax removed by vacuum at Specsavers, at least at some branches. My dh had it done. I think it cost about £50.

www.google.com/amp/s/feeds.aarp.org/auto/driver-safety/info-2019/driving-with-hearing-loss.html%3f_amp=true

Hearing loss severely impacts the driving skills and safety for OP's father and others on the road.
Looking at the car mirrors does not cover this gap. Plenty of times, you look at the mirrors because you first hear something, not the other way round.

I didn't say deaf people cannot drive or take care of their kids or grandkids.

Op's father needs to go to the doctor and bite the bullet - his ego is endangering other.

I'm stunned at some replies here with regards to sensory loss ie deafness deaf or hearing impaired.

Sodapop saying "I share your concerns about the safety aspect with child care". Why? do you think deaf people don't have children and raise families. I raised three by myself as a single mother Hithere wrote "I hope he is not driving in his current condition" ... seriously?? You think deaf don't drive? No, we wouldn't hear cars coming up fast but that's what mirrors are for plus far more attention paid to road than hearing people on their mobile phones, lets be honest!
Alexa "you're father sounds stupid" wow, how dare you. You have no idea of impaired hearing/deaf so what right have you got to label deaf not choosing to use aids as stupid. Kate54 " the grandchildren need him to be able to hear in the interests of safety" so it would appear in your opinion, children born to deaf parents are at risk? Or grandparents who are deaf are not to be left alone with grandchildren?
SueDonim lovely lady! Thank you for positive words on your deaf friends who drive. I have read a lot of posts here and never joined in as everyone sounds so articulate and probably better educated than me wealthier too not many of you in social housing from what l read only guessing by whats written and l know as fact that single mothers from council properties not so welcome but I've enjoyed reading posts but today l leave disgusted at the remarks about childrens safety with deaf parent/s or grandparent/s and an overall negative thread about deaf as drivers. I'm beyond sad at what l see is how people still think in 2020. My beautiful adult children are all healthy articulate well read intelligent individuals l have 8 grandchildren 6 boys and 2 girls. My children have always turned to me to look after children day or night. Eldest grandson was deemed potentially autistic but after l had him for week alone as parents exasperated, l knew he couldn't hear, glue ears common with babies/toddlers. ENT grommets (glue ears) drained he was fine, ironically his hearing parents couldn't figure out why "distant" or not responding to them. Hearing aids are not a solution for everyone.
What an awful Victorian attitude you have towards deaf. Have we been transported back in time to era where many were put in asylums or institutions?
Deaf have children and make excellent drivers and parents.
Again thank you Sue Donim (applauding you) sending you a bouquet and virtual hug

Don't assume he's lost his hearing both my husband 68 and my Mum 90 paid £60 each to Nottingham Hearing Centre for wax removal (we all thought they were both going deaf). Their hearing is fine now. It wasn't possible to get this done at the doctors & would be impossible at the moment but I'd try this 1st.

Lots of helpful advice here, Babyshark. It's clearly been very difficult for you to get to the bottom of what your Dad's problem with hearing aids might be!

He may be in denial but he knows he has hearing problems.

That's not just because you keep telling him but everyone else, including his GC's, can see that and they remark on it. He knows otherwise he would go and have a test just to confirm that his hearing's fine - and he can shut you all up!

The safety aspect - esp. with your children, the increasing social isolation, the increased risk of dementia. It's all there but it seems either out of vanity or denial, he'd rather go on not hearing and worrying about appearances. I've been there with an elderly parent, so know how you feel.

He's also setting a bad example to your children : they will increasingly recognise that he has a problem which can be easily corrected, but he won't deal with it. His actions are only showing that deafness - however mild - is something that can't be mentioned and can't be fixed. How does he explain that to them? How can he be the older and comforting voice of reason if they have some health problem one day that they need to face.

He certainly doesn't care that it's necessary for all of you to constantly raise your voices or shout each time you speak to him. How selfish is that? And he mishears or gets things wrong - doesn't that show him to be feeble-minded, rather than hard of hearing, if he's worried about what people think of him? On balance, I would think that his care for his GC's might be the thing which could just encourage him to do the right thing now. Do hope so, otherwise they're going to soon see him as a "poor old dear" for whom allowances have to be made. I'm sure he'd want to delay that for as long as possible!

Thanks to the OP for raising this and the info and advice from everyone.

Mistyfluff interesting to hear that HRT can have that side effect. Not a user of HRT but had been thinking about looking into it.

Similar problems with my late Mum, hearing loss and dementia. Although we persuaded her to get hearing aids she never got on with them because of her existing dementia, and in the end we had to put our mouths directly by her ear and shout for her to be able to hear. And the places she managed to lose her aids: the fridge, under the bed to name just a couple.

Now having seen the useful advice on here, could I ask if anyone can advise me please? I have had a few hints dropped my way about my hearing . and I suffer from tinnitus anyway. How do hearing aids fit with glasses? Both fit over the top of the ear so does one dislodge the other? I loathe glasses so generally use contact lenses but do use glasses as a backup for fine craft work. I also ride a motorcycle (and sometimes wear rider's sunglasses with the helmet) and it is recommended that riders wear ear plugs to protect our hearing from damage from the sound of air/wind past the helmet as we ride, so presumably hearing aids and ear plugs can't be used at once? There are a few posters on here who have been riders or currently ride, so wonder if they have any thoughts on this?

suan1 I agree. This is a very informative thread for those of us who have are may need hearing aids.

But possibly this man’s hearing is being obstructed by hard packed wax. Something that can be easily remedied if his poor daughter can persuade him to be examined. Any excess wax will need to be removed anyway prior to a hearing test.

Babyshark I hope you have luck in persuading your Dad to accept help. I can think of 2 stubborn men in my family who also dig there heels in and it’s not easy to get round them.

Your dad may not even need a hearing aid. He has said he has used ear drops and they have not worked. I use drops but sometimes they have gone past the drops stage and need syringing. He would have to go to the doctors to have this done and it may ease in a hearing test.

Specsavers supply nhs as well as private hearing aids. My husband has a nhs one and it's very discrete. Another of our male friends wears one and we can't even see it even when purposefully trying.

Can I tell you a funny story about my mum? She was going deaf and when I mentioned it she replied " I am not deaf I have cataracts and can't lip read." I rest my case lol.

I have partial hearing loss due to taking HRT (side effect for me unfortunately)Its made a huge difference to my life and hearing aids are getting smaller for the NHS

I’m glad this question cropped up as I have tinnitus and a hearing problem, but for a long time, living alone and particularly in lockdown, hadn’t bothered with my hearing aids. I’m off to sort them out, particularly with the connection to dementia. My late husband had very bad hearing loss, then dementia, like his mother before him. I remember him shouting at his mother in frustration, associating it with stupidity. How ironic that in time, it cane to him...

My dad is older but was exactly the same. ‘I’m not old and I’m not ready for any aids of any sort ‘. We said to him, you are desperate to stay in your own home as long as possible and not go into a home for ‘older people’ and if you want to do that you have to accept all sorts of help. Now he has thought deeply - for a very long while !! and has hearing aids which incidentally are so much smaller nowadays and so many youngish people have them. He’s also given into shopping trolley, walking poles, etc. Thank goodness. Maybe do a free test in Boots or Specsavers, etc. to start with that doesn’t seem like a medical institution. But tell him if we wants to stay in his own home independently overall........

It is only in some areas such as Warwickshire that the NHS Hearing Aid service is available from Specsavers. Other areas have a clinic for testing and Hearing Aids within a local hospital or clinic. On the website there is a map of which areas.

Is he a veteran: www.veteranshearing.org.uk/?fbclid=IwAR3Ao9U0JS9xVgRt4c2QhCt1jYk7knj7URHQnRXltbpgEurXcfsHbH-1k3k He might like the idea of this specialist service more.