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Domestic abuse shock, what to do?

(20 Posts)
MaryTheBookeeper Thu 11-Jun-20 09:15:18

I saw my best friend has a massive purple bruise. At first I thought she'd had a tattoo done so I took a 2nd look. She sheepishly admitted her dh had done it by an extremely tight squeeze, not by a violent hit, but deliberate. She also said it wasn't the 1st time it had happened either. I was massively shocked as I've known this couple for decades & we're best friends. I couldn't hide my shock & I told her that's really not ok. I don't know what to do now. I know she's had thoughts of leaving but won't due to reduced financial circumstances. Is there anything I can do or say to help beyond reminding her of Women's Aid etc?

tickingbird Thu 11-Jun-20 09:19:18

That’s a difficult one as you are obviously concerned for your friend. Apart from offering support and advice I’m not sure what else you could do.

dragonfly46 Thu 11-Jun-20 09:20:29

I have no real advice for you friend apart from urging her to contact Women’s Aid. You can go to any Boots consulting room and they offer help also. Things will only get worse I am afraid.

Iam64 Thu 11-Jun-20 09:21:56

Would your friend see a therapist? No point in couple therapy unless he's prepare to acknowledge he's an abuser.

Chuch Thu 11-Jun-20 09:26:25

Sorry to hear about your friend, give her these numbers, and encourage her to ring if only for a chat.
National domestic violence helpline 0808 2000 247. and women's aid 0300 0120 154. They can give advice. Hope everything turns out well for her.

Barmeyoldbat Thu 11-Jun-20 09:44:40

Sorry to hear about this but at least she has opened up to you and that is a step forward. I will say that the police will respond if its reported. My daughters late husband was a bully but one time when he will frightened her with his shouting and pushing she reported him to the police. They took him down to the police station and gave him a warning. It never happened again and the bullying did stop.

annodomini Thu 11-Jun-20 10:28:39

She must take a picture of the bruising before it fades. The police do have officers trained to deal with domestic abuse issues, so she will get a hearing.

EllanVannin Thu 11-Jun-20 11:07:11

Abusers never change and neither does the fact that a woman will always return to them so no amount of talking/advising will make a scrap of difference.
The police know this as well which is why they're never in any hurry to attend a " domestic " unless it involves firearms or knives.

EllanVannin Thu 11-Jun-20 11:08:36

Half the time people won't press charges either, so what can the police do in such circumstances ?

glammanana Thu 11-Jun-20 11:16:03

MTB How awfull for your friend she must as annodomini says and have a photograph taken also have it recorded at her Drs\Walkin Centre\Police Station.
Does she have any grown up children she will confide in I do hope so its so horrible for something like this to happen if he where mine he would be straight out of the door never to return again,I wonder how long she has had to deal with such a bully just no excuse.

eazybee Thu 11-Jun-20 11:18:51

Do what you are doing now, giving support and advice, but not being judgemental.
Reduced financial circumstances are a real deterrent to many victims who consciously weigh up the prospect of real poverty against occasional physical harm, until, as always, it escalates.
With advice from appropriate sources she can learn how to prepare for a future escape, and you can possibly offer a safe, secure place to keep vital documents and possessions, and a record of the violence against her.

Violettham Thu 11-Jun-20 11:24:05

I agree with MTB completly

silverlining48 Thu 11-Jun-20 11:43:23

Ellan there are many reasons why women change their minds about making a complaint, and I understand police can still pursue it but please dont dismiss this by putting the blame on the victim.

silverlining48 Thu 11-Jun-20 11:46:50

Mary suggest as has been advised she see her doctor if that’s possible these days, or the police, if not she should take a photo of the bruising before it fades. There’s always a next time. Sadly,

sodapop Thu 11-Jun-20 12:26:29

Good idea about a photographic, dated record annodomini. It's hard to help in these situations without making matters worse. If your friend knows you are there to help and not judge Marythebookeeper then that will be a support for her. Make sure you have relevant information and phone numbers to hand in case she needs help in a hurry.

moggie57 Thu 11-Jun-20 12:32:13

theres are plenty of womens refuges .like the lily trust.i would get her to contact them and see how things are .take photos of bruises and keep a diary...i would report it anyway...

grandtanteJE65 Sun 14-Jun-20 13:05:04

How did she react to what you said?

If she wants help, she may feel shy referring to the matter again, so you will need to.

If she isn't prepared to seek help, I am sure she will turn down your offers of help, but then at least you have made them.

If she wants help, but feels embarrassed asking for it, you should try to talk to her again about it, otherwise she may be wondering why you haven't referred to the matter again.

MaryTheBookeeper Tue 16-Jun-20 14:44:46

How did she react? By minimising & dismissing it as not an issue because it 'isn't violence'. I feel horrible about it but that's my problem. I won't mention it again. If anyone did that to me my relationship would be over that moment.

Oopsadaisy3 Tue 16-Jun-20 14:51:23

I think the clue was in your description of how she told you ‘sheepishly’ - it doesn’t sound as though she is ready to acknowledge that it’s abuse.
I’d be sheepish if a bruise was my own fault, scared or angry if it was inflicted upon me.
As you said it would only happen once and I’d be gone like a shot.

silverlining48 Tue 16-Jun-20 20:36:50

Maybe when it ( and it will) happens again your friend may have cause to think harder about her circumstances and how you reacted to this assault.