Those of you with 'only' two older / adult sons, do you wish you had had more children?

Me...again: my sister in law had two girls. Then an accident baby who is a male.

The girls are 18 and 14. The boy is 9. The girls are close to their mother, but cause her the most issues. They are sullen, moody and withdrawn. But they are very good sisters to one another.

The 18 year old girl hates her little brother and the 14 year old barely tolerates him..

The joy of the family: THE BOY. He's sooo happy and bright all of the time. His grandmother even says that he's the most joyous person....

It's all down to personality...

In your position, I wouldn't have a third child. The risks to health, wealth and your relationship with your husband who you say is not keen, are too high in my opinion. As children grow up it is understandable to consider another baby but none stay babies forever and a third may put a strain on everyone . But I do understand your high levels of anxiety over your embryos and think the professional counselling might help you with this.

Go on mumsnet and ask this question. People will have a good go of it and they'll be peers

I have 2 , a girl and a boy . They were born 12 years apart and neither were planned . I was 30 when my son was born and 42 when my daughter was. I’m 62 now so they’re both adults . I work full days , four days a week doing a job I enjoy and which I started a year ago . Over the years I’ve had lots of ‘ifs, buts and maybes’ but no real regrets . Only you and your husband can make that final decision and ultimately it’s your body so you have to make the biggest decision. Good luck ?

I thought hard about having a third and decided to go for it. I already had two little boys age 2 and 4. For my life story my third baby would end up saving me emotionally. My 3rd was a little girl which was wonderful to complete our family. Roll on 22 years later and I lost my eldest son to cancer. My 2nd son would of become an only child of I hadn't of had my daughter. Instead he still has a sibling. My daughter found out she was pregnant just 8 weeks after my son died. It gave me a huge reason to go on, and a year after my son died my granddaughter was born. She's 9 now and I see her every day. The hard decision to have my 3rd affected my life more than I would ever have imagined.

Am I being stupid? I thought this was a site for grandmothers?

This woman obviously isn't so I'm not even going to try and read that interminable thread.

Is there no way to ensure those joining are the "right" age group?

One of the reasons I welcomed this site was because I thought it was dedicated to the Older Lady and I didn't want anything to do with youngsters! Been there, done that....

BelindaB - in general, it is perhaps a site for Grandparents but I guess the OP needed to post on here to get the answer to her particular question.

She seemed to want the opinions of people who had had two sons - did they regret not having more children?

I think the op wanted an older woman’s perspective on family size as we have ‘been there done that’
Mumsnet’s average age is probably around 30 so many of them haven’t even started their family yet.
Plus the op is in her 40’s so hardly a teenager.

I'm exhausted with your distress over this. I have had 4, my last at 41. I did want another one but we lost our dog at the same time. I was convinced by family members to get another puppy instead of another baby. So, such is life. If you adore children, you will always lament about having more. I'm 60 now and still toy with the idea of my youth and what it would have been like to have another. I was self-employed during the child years so had time to enjoy them. When my husband retired, I was kind of glad we didn't have the extra mouth to feed. But then in life, money ebbs and flows, and so does the desire to have children. I do know that when my youngest was 12, he hung with his dad more which gave me a freedom I hadn't had in 25 years. I guess what I am trying to say is yes, you do want more children. And having another one, doesn't mean that feeling goes away. Each child is a miracle and a delight if child rearing is your greatest hobby. If your career has a lot of meaning, then the freedom that comes with older children is remarkable. As for regrets, I would say yes, I often verbalize I wish I had had the extra 1 (number 5). I would have liked to have known that person. I would have had more joy, more grandchildren, more life fun as kids are definitely fun. If you are looking to make logic, or bring calm to your angst I don't think that is going to happen, now, with having another, or not having another. Rest assured at 60 you won't have the energy you have now and it will all come full circle for you. When my youngest was 10 I was able to reason that starting over at a baby was an easier no for me. The time had come and gone to have another one. The four I have now bring me so much joy. And their babies bring me even more joy than I can imagine. Had I only had 2, my grandchildren would have been fewer. As you age, the joy you get from your grown children and their children is irreplaceable. So, I am definitely glad I had 4. You create your own future.

What a lovely family photo Caligrandma

That's a tough call. I am mom to 5 sons, two sets of twins. My firstborn was a singleton. My first set of twins came from my desire that my first son not be an only child. Then I had in my head that 4 children would be perfect and ended up with another set.

I think if you really wanted more that choice would not be as agonizing.

All I can say is it is much much harder to divide your time between three, not forgetting the financial implications. I feel very guilty that my middle child somehow lost out as the other two were so demanding. Having said that I have no regrets now even though No. 3 was not intended!

I personally think two children are more than enough.

If I could go back, I would have opted to remain childless.

You never stop worrying about them, and I can do without it at my age.

Sounds like your husband doesn't want a third child. Conversation ends there in my view.

Bit harsh BelindaB the OP was just asking for advice. No need to read 5 pages of a thread if it doesn't interest you.

No response from the OP now, so many different opinions to go through here.

I have 5. When I had my second baby a friend’s husband who was a very “hands-on” dad told my husband, “trust me, two is plenty”. He had five children. I asked him about this and he said something like, well, as they grow you think , yes it would be easy and lovely to have another, but once you let yourself think it, it’s hard to stop.

I think he’s right. The hardest time is as the youngest gets to about four. It lasts for a few years and fades away. The family we have is loving and precious but we really didn’t need to have five. My husband was completely relaxed about more children, and I had no fertility or birth issues so I was lucky, but for every mother there comes a time when we stop conceiving and I expect for most of us it is a loss and a blessing.

So what do I think of your situation? In all honesty I think if you had one more, you would want to try for the other as there are two embryos there. Maybe in your position I would not want to go through this again. I couldn’t leave just one behind.

In your position I would seriously investigate the options for re-training, you certainly are not too old. You say your current job is boring so could you find something that challenges and fulfills you? Certainly the teaching, social work or nursing you mention all fall into that category. I think if you did this then you would find the dilemma over a possible third child would go away as you directed your energies into a new career, whilst continuing to care for your lovely boys. I do think the fact that your husband doesnt want a third child as much as he wanted the others should be an important factor in your decision, as should the possibility of problems with a third preganancy.

I had only two boys for various reasons but I would have loved three if not four, all boys or three boys one girl or two boys two girls. As GagaJo said you tend to be closer to a daughter and therefore the grandchildren. If I had more than two perhaps one or the other would have stayed here in the UK but you never know they could have all gone to live abroad!

Reading your post OP, my thoughts are that were you to have a third child it wouldn't be because your whole family would benefit, but because you feel like you ought to.

Could you donate the three remaining embryos to a childless couple? Perhaps that would ensure that the 3 remaining, would t be wasted but that you and your family could move on to the next stage of your lives, enjoying the things more difficult with babies

Caligrandma what a lovely family!

Coming from the prospective of being a sibling in a family of three children (all girls) I can tell you, I hated it, and still do. When there are 3, there always seems to be an "odd man out" and that person has always been me, a stigma still following me in my 60s. I feel if things had just remained me and my sister, our family dynamic would have been a closer one for me. Im ashamed to say, but cannot deny, I resented my younger sister coming along. As a mother myself, I had 2 girls, both grown. They only have each other, so they remain close. I think if I could have afforded more children, I might have opted for 4 and not 3. But, made the decision to stop at 2. Just for what its worth, my prospective to add to the many you have received. Its a personal decision, and I wish you luck on making your decision.

It is true that with three there is usually an odd one out. You can't compensate for this or avoid it because the world seems to build things in even sets. I felt more balanced when there were 4.
I think a lot of people will have opinions on the number of siblings they grew up with no matter what size it is. I wish I had more siblings but I know my parents couldn't have afforded it. I think it would have enriched my life now though. You get the number of siblings you do be that 0-10 (or even more!). I think there's always going to be things we'd like to change about our childhood. The only thing that is sure is that we don't know how it will all work out in terms of relationships in the longer term.

I have two children, a son who is now 44 and a daughter who is 41. We decided to not have another baby after my daughter was born and I was okay with that until my second eldest nephew (who is only 7 years younger than me) annouced that his wife (who is only 2 years younger than me) was pregnant with their first child. I did get moments of wishing for another child, but being one of three myself I always said I would never have three children, only an even number, so it would mean committing to having four children if we went ahead. My lovely husband didn't want anymore children, he thought I was just reacting to my niece being pregnant and wishful thinking. My niece went on to have two more children but, oddly enough, I didn't get the same maternal longing with either of those pregnancies and, having had to face my husband dying when he was only 46 and I was 42 I was grateful really that we hadn't gone ahead and had more children because they would have been just starting senior school/final years of junior school and how much harder would that have been for them to have lost their Dad then, rather than my two children who were 18 and 21 and already creating their own lives when their Dad passed away. If I were you I would stick with your two boys and enjoy all that the future brings with them but, it is you and your husband who must decide, hope all goes well whatever you finally decide to do.

I had 4 children, 3 boys, 1 girl. We moved about a lot for the first few years. We have lived in our forever house now for over 50 years. I wanted to have a fifth child who would be born into this house. Husband said firmly No. I still wonder about it. It would have changed everything - I would have had several more years before going back to work and circs would by then have been quite different. Don't exactly regret, just wonder, it's a little gap.

Were I in your situation I would use the embryos and try for the third.

I have one son of 31 yrs born of ivf, he was conceived when I was 33 yrs after many yrs of ops and fertility treatment and on my second course of ivf. At the time there was only Oxford and London hospital which provided treatment and we had to pay for part of it in Oxford as not on nhs. We had 3 further attempts without success and had to stop then because we had no more money already borrowing from family for the last attempt. There was no option to freeze embryos. Did I want more children, of course but it was not to be. We are very close to our son and his wife is like a daughter to us. The chose to move near to us and we see them several times a week.
While only you and your partner can truly decide if you really want to extend your family be thankful you have two happy boys. They can remain as close to you as a daughter would have.