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Husband does not want to see son

(22 Posts)
east12 Thu 09-Jul-20 21:52:41

My husband foes not want to see our son or DIL. He says I should cut out of my life as well but I can't do that. We have a GS whom I adore, and t 2 is not allowed to sleep over at our place because of this he says I should not see him at all, I have him for a whole day sometimes than take him home.

Chewbacca Thu 09-Jul-20 21:58:34

But why east12? Why does your husband not want to see your family? Has something triggered it?

Esspee Thu 09-Jul-20 22:02:01

We really need to know a little more of the story to be able to comment.

east12 Thu 09-Jul-20 22:15:11

My son is currently not working and my husband is paying him, I am retired therefore have np income, now my son wants to buy a new house without a job, as they would like another child, his wife does not want to work.

Bibbity Thu 09-Jul-20 23:08:03

I don’t mean to offend but I am assuming that English is not your first language. Do you reside in the UK?
I can see why your husband is angry at having to bankroll two adults who have no sense of responsibility.
However it’s understandable that you would want to preserve the link to your Grandson especially if his parents can not be trusted.
You both need to sit down and discuss how far you are willing to go.
When does the money end?
And then tell your son the money will end in X months and they both need to find out how they will support their family. If they want another house and baby then they need to work it.

Hithere Fri 10-Jul-20 03:24:49

I still don't understand why your dh is behaving like this

It doesnt make any sense he is giving them money (enabling them) while asking you to cut them off.

We are missing the full picture here

BlueBelle Fri 10-Jul-20 05:57:44

East12 I don’t understand this either
You say you are retired so have no income surely you get a pension
Your husband is paying your son ? Why? if he’s unemployed surely he gets benefits
Your husband can’t tell you not to see them it’s up to you
I think there is too little info here to give much help

sodapop Fri 10-Jul-20 09:02:46

I agree Hithere

east12 Fri 10-Jul-20 13:14:54

Where to start, Ds got married a few years ago-was inbetween jobs than, he is a graduate with a masters degree, dh is self employed, he would like ds to take over the business but he is not interested, dil was working at that time but gave up when baby along, and now does not want to work.I have told dh many times to stop paying if it bothers him that much- at the end of the day I get the brunt of it, but whatever reason he has not done it, he thinks dil will leave if he stops paying. started again as I had gs all day and had to take him home, he wanted to know why he could not stay with us and said I was being used, if he not allowed than I should not look after him, I love to spend time with him.

GillT57 Fri 10-Jul-20 13:49:44

Your husband has no right to expect your son to work in the family business if he doesn't want to, but your son has no right o take money from a family business that he has no interest in running or being involved in, your son and DiL have no right buying a house or considering having another child without having the means to pay for either. Frankly, they all need their heads banging together, and you need to sort out your pension rights! Sorry for blunt reply grin

Hithere Fri 10-Jul-20 14:17:10

If your dh is paying his frustration on you, tell him to cut it off. You are not the one who is mooching and dh is volunteering for it.

It still doesnt explain why your dh asked you to cut your son off

Madgran77 Fri 10-Jul-20 15:14:38

There needs to be clear communication here!!

1. You and your husband need a proper discussion on what is going on.
*Why is he paying.
*Is he going to continue?
*For how long?
*Doers he realise he is enabling their approach to life?
*Is he hoping son will change his mind; if so, he needs to stop!
*What is his long term aim by doing this - paying etc?

*Why you like looking after your grandson
* Why you will not cut off your son
*Why you are willing to accept being "taken for granted" OR don't agree with his judgement on that, and you will carry on looking after grandson
*What is his long term aim in suggesting cu off? What would be the purpose?

Then there needs to be a conversation with your son and DIL depending on the conclusions that you as a couple come to from above discussion

I sympathise with the dilemma of being caught in this you need to start making your own viewpoint and needs heard and felt and noticed by others! Firstly by your husband! flowers

V3ra Fri 10-Jul-20 15:33:15

Presumably your husband will want to retire one day.
If your son does not take over the business, it would presumably be sold.
What is your son proposing to do for money then?

Oopsadaisy3 Fri 10-Jul-20 16:09:09

Well, when your DS applies for a Mortgage they will ask for proof of earnings, I assume that your husband will either carry on paying him, or he will stop and your DS won’t get a Mortgage.
Time for your husband to make a decision.
If you want to see your GCs then tell your husband that it is his problem regarding the business and not yours and anyway it shouldn’t have anything to do with the GCs coming to stay with you.

Smileless2012 Fri 10-Jul-20 21:00:17

Good replies from Gill and Madgran which I hope you give some thought too east.

You and your husband need to talk this through and get on the same page so to speak, then you need to sit down together and tell your son and DIL what you are, and are not prepared to do.

Paying for you son's and D's.I.L. lifestyle choices for fear of being unable to see your GS is I'm sorry to say, giving in to blackmail.

I agree with Oopsadaisy that none of this should have anything to do with your GS staying with you, but unfortunately for some, the reality is that it can and does.

ValerieF Sat 11-Jul-20 17:26:58

I can't get my head round this either. Your husband is telling you that you should have no contact with your son, daughter in law and grandson, but is still continuing to 'pay' your son for something? What exactly?

I am thinking we don't know the background to all this. Like for instance, did you all get on well at some point and then suddenly husband tells you not to contact any more?

Sounds like there is too much more to it all then simply telling you to ignore your husband and do what you want anyway!

I hope it all works out.

FarNorth Sat 11-Jul-20 19:02:55

Husband is paying son, as if he is an employee, but son does no work?

Husband is afraid that if he doesn't pay then DiL will leave, but husband wants you and he to cut off contact with them anyway, while still paying?

If son and DiL do not get another house & baby, and do allow DGC to stay the night with you, what is husband's plan then? To keep paying son happily?

Husband has got himself into a ridiculous situation and is now taking it out on you.

Tell husband you will continue to see your family and look after your DGC if you want to, and he has to sort out the money situation with son if it's bothering him.

FarNorth Sat 11-Jul-20 19:07:03

Btw, if your son was genuinely an employee it would not be his employer's concern if he wanted to get a mortgage, even if that employer was his dad.

Sounds to me like your husband is a bit of a control freak.

Oopsadaisy3 Sat 11-Jul-20 19:22:49

FarNorth surely the husband wouldn’t happily let the son get a mortgage based on his earnings and then stop paying him?
Or maybe he would, I assume that he’s also contributing towards his sons pension.

BlueBelle Sat 11-Jul-20 19:29:42

east12 do you come from a patriarchal ethnicity do you have a family business that your son is expected to follow in
To our western values it sounds strange that your husband wants the son to follow in his business the son doesnt want to but getspsoc for not working anyway and then tries to forbid you from seeing him and your grandchild
It’s all a bit of a muddle I m afraid perhaps you can fill us in a bit more

Urmstongran Sat 11-Jul-20 19:47:11

What did your husband think your son was aiming for when he did his Masters degree?

FarNorth Sat 11-Jul-20 20:38:12

Oopsadaisy3 who knows? It all sounds most strange.